Would you tell a friend if something was possibly wrong with their kid?

[TravelingGal]

This is assuming it''s not life threatening, of course.

My friend (let''s call her Z) asked me that question after we both noticed another friend''s kid has a really flat head. I said, in that particular case, no I would not. I just figure if moms don''t notice their kid''s head is flat, that''s their issue, not mine and it might not be an issue for them anyway. No one wants to be told they are doing something "wrong." Z''s response is that she would want to know.

I noticed yesterday (and have been noticing on and off again ) that in some photos I took of Z''s son and Amelia, that Z''s son''s eyes seem to cross (or at least one of them does). He is over 2 years old. One eye has always seem to gravitate toward the middle in pictures, but I don''t notice too much in real life. This is probably because (and this will sound bad, but it really isn''t), he is Korean and has small eyes so sometimes it''s hard to tell. She asked her ped about it ages ago when he was several months old and he gave her the name of a well known opthamologist (or whatever they are) around here. She just shrugged it off and told me she thinks her son is fine.

It''s noticeable in the pictures, but it''s kind of what he always looks like so it is hard to tell if I think about it. The only reason I am inclined to say something is that eye issues are so much more easily treated if caught early. And then there is the part of me that thinks...eh, not my business...hate giving unsolicited advice.

Your two cents on the subject in general?

 

[Haven]

I''d tell her. My sister has Strabismus (cross-eyes) and she had to have surgery at a young age (7 months) to try to correct it. She then wore a patch over one eye for YEARS when she was little, and the problem was corrected to a point. She still has a bit of a lazy eye, especially when she''s tired.

HOWEVER, I cannot tell that she has a lazy eye when she''s tired. I''ve looked at her every day for years, and I really just can''t see it. I remember being very shocked when a high school friend of mine asked if she was born cross-eyed because I had no idea others could tell anything was off with her eyes.

SO, I guess what I''m trying to say is that it''s likely she doesn''t notice because it''s difficult to notice that (I know it''s hard to believe) when you see someone every day. And, eye issues are so serious, and should be treated early to get the best result. If he does have an issue it could affect his ability to learn to read, and then his performance in school. We (reading specialists) often end up having kids on our reading caseloads who don''t really have reading disabilities, they just have poor vision.

I''d say it''s serious enough, and easy enough for a mom to miss, that you''d be a good friend if you told her.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think it would totally depend on the kid, my relationship with the parent, and the issue.

For instance, in a situation like yours--where the mother has sought medical advice and then ignored it...I probably wouldn''t say anything. It''s sad that the child is going to have to suffer this, but clearly she doesn''t want to get the help required to remedy the issue.

Now, with that said, if it were a major issue--like I "suspected" something and I was close enough to the mother of the child to know that my advice wouldn''t be taken wrong...then yes, I''d bring it up. Sometimes I think parents get so conditioned to their kids they stop seeing things that other people see.

 

[neatfreak]

I probably would say something like "Did you ever follow up on that Opthamologist for "kid"? I was wondering because I saw a TV story where they said that eye problems are really easily corrected at young ages and it''s really common. I have another friend who has a kid with a lazy eye and I told her I would ask you about your experience".

I know it''s a little roundabout-but that''s a tiptoeing around way of asking if you aren''t super close to her. If she''s one of your best friends I would be more straightforward with her if she can handle it.

 

[TravelingGal]

Thanks for your thoughts...Haven, that''s interesting, and what I''m concerned about. I love the little boy...he''s full of energy and life.

Of course, I could be off anyway. I really can''t tell. Sometimes I think something is a little off, and other times, I don''t notice anything at all. I made a quick cutout of some of the photos I took. Is something wrong with MY vision here?

 

[iheartscience]

His left eye definitely does look like it''s crossed.

I think I''d take neatfreak''s approach if I were you...I know parents can be suuuuuper touchy about stuff so I would tread carefully! (My older siblings do not take kindly to hints from my mom/each other, even when the hinter is totally right!) Since I have no kids I tend to keep my trap shut at all times, even when my older sister mentions an issue she''s having with one of the kids.

As for the flat head, yikes! How can the mother not notice the kid has a flat head? That one''s pretty touchy-I''m not sure if I''d say anything in that case.

 

[fieryred33143]

I like Neat''s approach!

As for the flat head, how frequently are her pedi check ups? Is it every 2 months like it is for smaller babies? I ask because I know that this is something that the pedi checks for during Sophia''s physicals so I''m surprised the mom isn''t aware of it.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/23/2009 1:07:04 PM
Author: thing2of2
His left eye definitely does look like it''s crossed.

I think I''d take neatfreak''s approach if I were you...I know parents can be suuuuuper touchy about stuff so I would tread carefully! (My older siblings do not take kindly to hints from my mom/each other, even when the hinter is totally right!) Since I have no kids I tend to keep my trap shut at all times, even when my older sister mentions an issue she''s having with one of the kids.

As for the flat head, yikes! How can the mother not notice the kid has a flat head? That one''s pretty touchy-I''m not sure if I''d say anything in that case.

Thanks T2, it''s so strange that sometimes I see it, sometimes I don''t.

I understand why parents are touchy...no one wants to think they are doing anything bad for their kid. And it''s human nature to get defensive when someone points out one is wrong.

I have no idea how anyone doesn''t notice a flat head...but maybe because it doesn''t turn that way overnight. I''m not kidding...this other kid''s head drops off a cliff.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/23/2009 1:08:27 PM
Author: fiery
I like Neat''s approach!

As for the flat head, how frequently are her pedi check ups? Is it every 2 months like it is for smaller babies? I ask because I know that this is something that the pedi checks for during Sophia''s physicals so I''m surprised the mom isn''t aware of it.

My ped checks for it. Some probably don''t. The mom with the flat head kid is another mom to took her older son to that same ped because one of her son''s eyes were seriously crossed. That ped said he would grow out of it. 6 months later she went again and also went and saw a specialist. At that point, they realized it was indeed and issue and he has been wearing glasses ever since he was 9 months old (he''s nearly 3 now).

 

[qtiekiki]

That's a toughie. I can't really tell if the little boy is crossed eyes from the pics. I know sometimes M's eyes look like that when she looks at things close to her face. When we asked the pedi, he said that it was normal. So I am curious if her pedi thought that something could be wrong since the referral was given, or if it was a proactive approach. Maybe you can just ask her if she ever follow up with the specialist.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/23/2009 1:14:39 PM
Author: qtiekiki
That''s a toughie. I can''t really tell if the little boy is crossed eyes from the pics. I know sometimes M''s eyes look like that when she looks at things close to her face. When we asked the pedi, he said that it was normal. So I am curious if her pedi thought that something could be wrong since the referral was given, or if it was a proactive approach. Maybe you can just ask her if she ever follow up with the specialist.

I can see how that''s normal when something is close to their face. In the case of the photos above, he''s looking at his mother who is trying to get the kids'' attention about 3-4 feet away.

 

[Camille]

In general, mothers can't stand people even relatives noticing something 'wrong' with their children. She probably seen it and hoping that it will go away?

I'm not an ophtamologist but it sounds like Brown Syndrome [stiff ligament in one eye, making the other wandering] size of the eye doesn't really matter, it's noticeable. As a parent I'd pay attention when he looks up to see how far the affected eye could go, in some cases children tilt their heads to 'see' better ie TV, sorry for the guessing, it's hard w/o seeing the child looking at the ceiling w/straight head.....who knows it may be Strabismus like others posted.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hmm, looks crossed to me.

I started developing scoliosis when I was young, but my mother didn''t notice until it was pointed out to her by my aunt. I know it sound a little crazy, but my doctor said it''s very common for mothers not to notice things that change gradually because they see the child every day.

I would say something.

 

[fieryred33143]

Looks crossed eye to me.

As for the flat head, I don''t know...that''s hard! It is more of a cosmetic issue (since it doesn''t cause brain damage or developmental delays) so the mom may get offended. How old is the kid? I read online that it typically corrects itself once the child reaches a year since they spend less time on their backs and learn to sleep in various positions.

 

[qtiekiki]

I guess it''ll depend on how close you are to that friend, and how touchy she is with comments.
Maybe you can tell her about Haven''s story, and suggest she has her son''s eyes checked out just in case.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/23/2009 1:23:34 PM
Author: fiery
Looks crossed eye to me.

As for the flat head, I don''t know...that''s hard! It is more of a cosmetic issue (since it doesn''t cause brain damage or developmental delays) so the mom may get offended. How old is the kid? I read online that it typically corrects itself once the child reaches a year since they spend less time on their backs and learn to sleep in various positions.

It can correct itself, yes. But by 7 months, things are hardening up, so if it''s pretty bad then, it''s not going to get rounded out as they get older. Usually it doesn''t look as bad when they get older because the hair has grown out.

 

[mia1181]

Yes I think you should definitely say something. Just use a veeery tactful approach like Neat suggested.

I am very sensitive to this issue because it can cause blindness in the turning eye. What happens is the brain gets mixed messages from the two eyes so begins to ignore the signal coming from the "bad eye." Eventually this weakens the neuropathways from eye to brain and even though there may not be structurally anything wrong with the eye when the kid grows up he will not be able to see very well from that eye.

Although my eye doesn''t wander, I am nearly blind in one eye because of this process. My eye does not cross or anything which is probably why it was missed, but despite wearing glasses from age two, my vision has deteriorated to the point that if I were to damage my good eye I wouldn''t be able to drive or read even with glasses. I should have been patched as a child and now it is too late and there is nothing I can do about it.

 

[qtiekiki]

Flat head - OT
DH''s cousin is 25, and totally has a flat head. MIL and all the aunts kept telling to turn M''s head constantly when she was a baby.

 

[Ara Ann]

A tale of two neighbors...each one had a child with these issues.


Friend one, adopted her son from Korea and he had a crossed eye. They started patching when he was around a year old. I''m not sure if he had corrective surgery or if the patch worked, but he''s 10 now and is fine. He also started wearing glasses when he was about 3 years old.


Friend two''s daughter had an extremely flat head (large too) and they resorted to using a medical helmet to correct it, beginning at around age 1.5. Not sure how long she wore it, but it was very flat and very noticeable...I think she had to wear it for about a year, it was a long time and a big commitment. The helmet was no fun, but kids are SO mean to each other in school, why give them an easy target, if it can be fixed? She looks good now too.

 

[KimberlyH]

It would depend on our friendship. I have a friend who talks to me about childrearing a lot, she seeks my opinion as a teacher and I'm happy to provide it. I would be comfortable telling her if I noticed something was a bit off. I have other friends w/ kids that I would never say anything to, because I think they would be offended and it's not my place/business.

My sister has a lazy eye and has worn glasses since she was two and a patch before that. It didn't cause any life-long issues but her eye never was corrected and it's still noticable, especially when she's tired.

 

[soocool]

I wouldn''t want to point out any flaws that I think exist in someone else''s child for fear of retaliation (pointing out my DD''s flaws). Of course, if they bring up the subject first and came to me and asked what I thought, I would be honest then.

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, here''s an update....

I think I phrased it well (although I was probably more direct than neatfreak''s approach) and she took it very well! She''s a laid back person which is why I do like her so much. Turns out she DID take him to the opthamologist - twice actually and has scheduled check ups every year.

So how''s this for something I didn''t know:

Apparently his eyes are perfect, it just so happens that he has no bridge on his nose, which gives the illusion of crossed eyes. So because there is no bridge, the extra skin is covering the inside whites of his eyes. As he gets older, his bridge will grow and the skin will pull away, so it will show more of the eyes.

Who knew?

I was so relieved, I actually got all teary. I think I must have been stressed out wondering if I should say anything because I am so not an intrusive person. I''m just so happy there isn''t anything wrong with his eyes!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/23/2009 3:03:35 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Well, here''s an update....

I think I phrased it well (although I was probably more direct than neatfreak''s approach) and she took it very well! She''s a laid back person which is why I do like her so much. Turns out she DID take him to the opthamologist - twice actually and has scheduled check ups every year.

So how''s this for something I didn''t know:

Apparently his eyes are perfect, it just so happens that he has no bridge on his nose, which gives the illusion of crossed eyes. So because there is no bridge, the extra skin is covering the inside whites of his eyes. As he gets older, his bridge will grow and the skin will pull away, so it will show more of the eyes.

Who knew?

I was so relieved, I actually got all teary. I think I must have been stressed out wondering if I should say anything because I am so not an intrusive person. I''m just so happy there isn''t anything wrong with his eyes!!

Who knew indeed, so glad nothing is wrong with his eye and will correct itself.

 

[fieryred33143]

Awe what a great update TGal.

 

[qtiekiki]

I am glad it all works out and nothing is wrong with his eyes. For a while, I was worried since I was the only one who couldn''t see the crossed eyes in the pics (like I can be missing it on M).

 

[packrat]

I''m glad it worked out!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I''m glad to hear the little boy''s eye are alright!

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m so glad the kiddo is okay and that you were able to talk to your friend w/o upsetting her.

 

[iluvcarats]

I wouldn''t say anything. Little kids are at the Pedi so often, that I am sure it would be picked up. Coming from a Dr. it is a diagnosis, but coming from a friend it may seem more like criticism. Just MHO

 

[MissGotRocks]

Good for you! It takes courage to risk damage to a friendship for the child''s sake. How wonderful that there is nothing wrong - I would have never guessed that explanation!

No one likes to have flaws pointed out but I think I would want someone to inquire about something they thought I may be overlooking. On the other hand, I think that I''d have to bring something up that I thought could be a real problem. It''s just good common sense and caring but there are some people that would possibly be very offended.