Would you do it all over again/was it worth it?

[sirbenson]

Hello,

My finace and I have been engaged for 6 months and we can't make up our minds about what we want to do. We can afford a big wedding but hate the idea all together so we insist on having a small afair for 65 people IF we end up doing anything.

So far our best idea is to hold a ceremony/reception at an old lounge on a Sunday April 2011 afternoon for 65 people. Nothing fancy, no DJ, no formal seated meal. We are thinking hors d'oeuvers, grazing tables and food stations. Music from an ipod. Trying to keep it to a 15-20K budget (Toronto) not including rings, honeymoon. Paying for it ourselves.

The alternate is to elope. But with this idea....its still costs something, we don't get to see the place beforehand, we'd probably disappoint some people bc they couldn't attend, and we feel we'd still have to have some sort of gathering upon our return which means we still can't escape the party planning process (which, by the way, we find torturous).

I find that the married people I work with are saying things like "don't waste your money", "its not worth all the money for just one day", or "just make things easy and elope". I don't think one person has said that their banquet hall/restaurant wedding was worth the money and that they'd do it all over again the same way.

In the end we will definatley do want WE want, but its funny to not have a gut feeling etiher way. We seem to be on the fence 50/50 either way. We don't want to drag this out just becaues we can't make up our damn minds. If we go ahead with our 65 person plan, we just don't want to end the day thinking....man, that was too much $ spend on one day....we shoulda eloped. Vice versa, we don't want to elope and have feelings that we missed not having people see us wed.

So, for married gals, when you look back on your wedding--whether you had an event close to home, big or small, or whehter you eloped....was it worth it? Would you do it the same if you did it over again?

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I'd say have a small wedding. We eloped and it did piss a lot of people off. On our first anniversary we tried to hold a small vow renewal with me wearing a wedding dress and DH renting a Tux. Nobody came - seriously! I can understand it though because we had just moved to a new city away from everybody, and, we were already married. The florist messed up my flowers and put HUGE pink daisys in it and didn't have time to fix it. The fancy fondu restaurant wrote our reservation down for the wrong day and it took 6 months to get our photographs because our photographer went MIA. I can laugh now, but at the time I was in tears If you can afford it, then do a small wedding. As I have learned, there really are no re-do's with this kind of thing.

 

[sirbenson]

Eeesh, that sounds terrible. I guess it doesn't really make it any better that it wasn't your actual wedding day Though potential screw ups like that would definately put a huge damper on things on the real "big day". I had never even considered vendor screw ups yet. But then again I haven't booked anything, not put money out yet.

Funny thing is that even though we are planning to have a small wedding with only 65 people, its gonna work out to more money per person than if we do it in a banquet hall type venue. So yeah we *can* afford to do it and yeah will *prob* get some of the costs back as monetary wedding gifts but it still seems like a lot of er, bother?, for one day. Wierd that when we tell people that we hesitate to spend so much money on one day they usually say "Bah, you'll get it back in monetary gifts". But I find that is a funny game to play....spend 15K on a wedding and get 10K back

 

[violet3]

I would do it again in a heartbeat! We had months where the planning process was overwhelming, and we definitely thought - "why didn't we elope?" But the truth was that many people we love couldn't have come, and the day was so special and fun, the memories of it are so worth the money.

Let me add that we had an EXTREMELY limited budget - around $5,000 (gifted by my grandparents). It was such a blessing because we never got into how much we *would* be spending - it just was what it was. Having eliminated that stress, it was far more focused on the sentimentality of it. What we could afford was what we could afford, and the event was a GREAT time! our friends and family had so much fun -- we had so much fun -- and i can't imagine doing it without being able to share it all with the people who support us and who we love so very much.

I don't want to sway you, because many people i know eloped and had a great time, but for me...i wouldn't have done it any other way.

 

[pancake]

Yes yes YES!

We eloped (in Italy); I had some niggly little insecurities at the last miunte about whether it would feel anti-climactic or "not special enough", but I seriously could not have hoped for a better, more intimate, more joyful day!

We are having a reception in the new year for our friends and family. I'm not as excited about this as I feel I perhaps should be but I think that is just because I feel completely sated by our tiny little wedding and don't feel the "need" to do the big celebration any more. I think when the time comes it will be fun and special, but our actual wedding day has a particular magic about it that I doubt we will reproduce.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I had a wedding with 55 people, and yes the planning was stressful, but I do not regret it. It was a wonderful day, and I will have a lifetime of memories. Our two families got to meet and get to know each other.

But than there are people who eloped and had a great time. Also, at my bachelorette party, we went to a rooftop bar, and there was a bride and a small wedding party (about 10 people) having a low key reception in a blocked off area.

There are many options, the most important thing is that the 2 of you figure out what you want and don't let others pressure you into what they think is best.

 

[mrscushion]

I had a destination wedding for 85 people, which is not that much larger than the small wedding you'd have, though for me it was the perfect size and large enough for sure.

I did not enjoy the wedding planning process, for several reasons I won't elaborate on, and many times during the process I regretted having a "big" (in my mind) wedding. Frankly, I didn't think the party would be worth it at all.

Long story short, I had an amazing time at our wedding and, to my surprise, it truly made up for the stress I felt during planning. That said, it being a destination wedding that almost everyone took vacation days for, I did have several days with my closest friends and family in a beautiful location. Also, the people were amazing, and I got to spend a lot of time with them, which undoubtedly made everything as wonderful as it was. So yes, it was worth it for me in the end because of the longer format of my wedding. Had I had a 5-hour wedding, though, I think the scale might tip the other way.

 

[stephbolt]

I would do it again in a heartbeat! We had months where the planning process was overwhelming, and we definitely thought - "why didn't we elope?" But the truth was that many people we love couldn't have come, and the day was so special and fun, the memories of it are so worth the money.

This. When DH first started talking about our priorities for our wedding, one of them was being able to have our closest family and friends there with us. We ended up having 115 people attend. Was it the most money we've ever spent in one day? Yes. But it was an unforgettable celebration, and I'm so glad we did it the way we did.

 

[purselover]

For me and DH - no it was not worth it nor would I have done it all over again.

I had really wanted to have a small destination wedding while DH wanted the whole big shebang, almost a year later now we BOTH agree we should have done the small destination wedding. I feel like it just wasn't worth the money my parents spent and we could have used that money for our own place (if we had an inexpensive wedding my parent's planned on giving us the difference they expected to save). Honestly we really only wanted about 20 people there and DH invited a lot out of obligation that really just didn't add anything (in fact many took away) from our day.

Don't rush into a decision really think about who you want there and figure out a away to make sure they can come and forget about anyone else's expectations/desires. Don't feel like you have to do a reception after you elope just to please others, honestly giving into what everyone else wanted was my biggest regret. I thought if I just gave in a little to DH and his family it'd be easier for everyone, but they took a little and really ran with it.

 

[Amzizzle]

We are having a wedding also around 65 people in about a month and a half. I think the most part the planning is what you make of it,yes I have had my share of people asking to bring extras,and just a couple months ago my photographer backed out,but these were all things that were not that stressful if I didn't make it that way.

We are also paying for the wedding ourselves,just have the wedding you can afford and you won't feel like you wasted a bunch of money. My FI and I have had a lot of fun planning our wedding,and I can't imagine that in a little over a month I will regret any of it. good luck!

 

[sirbenson]

Thanks for all your honest replies

The wierdest feeling at the moment is not having a true gut feeling about what to do. There's only one person who has specifically told me that they will be upset if they are not there when we marry....my best friend. Even my own parents have said that if we want to elope, they support us bc they understand that its a lot of planning and a lot of money to spend on one day. They agree that the money would be better spent on the honeymoon or furniture for our new home. Though I wonder if deep down they really want to be there but will avoid saying such so that they don't make us feel pressured in any way.

My best friend has since said that she'll understand if we elope though she'd really prefer to be there. Can we elope and just invite our MOH, best man and their SOs? Would that be too much of an insult to family? I guess only we can decide that......

I'd love to have a DW but I hate the feeling of obligating people to spend all that money and take time off of work. Also, I wouldn't want that to be my honeymoon so that would mean additional time off work for us.

Since everyone has been so honest thus far lemme ask another blunt question: Is it worng to feel that if we eloped or just ran off to city hall to get married that we'd miss out on getting dressed up and having photos taken by a professional photographer to capture the moment?

 

[mrscushion]

Since everyone has been so honest thus far lemme ask another blunt question: Is it wrong to feel that if we eloped or just ran off to city hall to get married that we'd miss out on getting dressed up and having photos taken by a professional photographer to capture the moment?

Why couldn't you get a fabulous dress and a photographer for your elopement? You totally can.

 

[audball]

Since everyone has been so honest thus far lemme ask another blunt question: Is it wrong to feel that if we eloped or just ran off to city hall to get married that we'd miss out on getting dressed up and having photos taken by a professional photographer to capture the moment?

Why couldn't you get a fabulous dress and a photographer for your elopement? You totally can.

Agreed, do both! PSer mia1181 and her San Francisco City Hall Elopement comes to mind... hope you don't mind mia!
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/our-elopement-story-pro-pics.97046/

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I loved our wedding. We had 100 people. The banquet reception with seated dinner. Live band and DJ. The whole shebang. Would I do it again? Nah. I was torn b/c growing up, I'd always pictured myself having the big party with all the bridesmaids and schmancy centerpieces. But DH and I are definitely more "barefoot in the sand" people. We ended up spending $25,000 in the end. I would have loved to have flown our families to a resort and had a week long celebration instead.

Is there a happy medium for you? Maybe cut your budget in half and do a small destination wedding so your closest friends and family would be there to witness it?

 

[sirbenson]

Since everyone has been so honest thus far lemme ask another blunt question: Is it wrong to feel that if we eloped or just ran off to city hall to get married that we'd miss out on getting dressed up and having photos taken by a professional photographer to capture the moment?

Why couldn't you get a fabulous dress and a photographer for your elopement? You totally can.

Agreed, do both! PSer mia1181 and her San Francisco City Hall Elopement comes to mind... hope you don't mind mia!
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/our-elopement-story-pro-pics.97046/

Oh my word! Thanks for posting mia's pics!!!! I had to stop looking at the thread and write here right away about how much I love the pics, city hall, the idea, everything.......

And now I'm thinking: why one earth couldn't we do the same thing? I haven't looked into Canadians wedding in the USA but I've always wanted to visit SF....

Just wow. This is almost groundbreaking for me, lol. Maybe there are gorgeous city halls in Ontario. The beach pics are really nice too though....wonder if that could be done in Ontario as well.

Wow this has so much potential I'm gonna spend the whole weekend researching it. If any PS'er is familiar with Ontario or the GTA area (long shot, I know) please chime in with ideas for which city hall, photo venue to use.

Thanks a million! Back to viewing the thread....

 

[vc10um]

Since everyone has been so honest thus far lemme ask another blunt question: Is it wrong to feel that if we eloped or just ran off to city hall to get married that we'd miss out on getting dressed up and having photos taken by a professional photographer to capture the moment?

Why couldn't you get a fabulous dress and a photographer for your elopement? You totally can.

Agreed, do both! PSer mia1181 and her San Francisco City Hall Elopement comes to mind... hope you don't mind mia!
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/our-elopement-story-pro-pics.97046/

Oh my word! Thanks for posting mia's pics!!!! I had to stop looking at the thread and write here right away about how much I love the pics, city hall, the idea, everything.......

And now I'm thinking: why one earth couldn't we do the same thing? I haven't looked into Canadians wedding in the USA but I've always wanted to visit SF....

Just wow. This is almost groundbreaking for me, lol. Maybe there are gorgeous city halls in Ontario. The beach pics are really nice too though....wonder if that could be done in Ontario as well.

Wow this has so much potential I'm gonna spend the whole weekend researching it. If any PS'er is familiar with Ontario or the GTA area (long shot, I know) please chime in with ideas for which city hall, photo venue to use.

Thanks a million! Back to viewing the thread....

sirbenson...we have a lot of Canadian PSers...but if you have questions specific to the area, I would suggest posting a separate thread, maybe over in Hangout, asking for suggestions since many of them won't just drop in to a BWW thread, but if they see a thread specifically asking about Toronto, they'll chime in!

 

[sirbenson]

sirbenson...we have a lot of Canadian PSers...but if you have questions specific to the area, I would suggest posting a separate thread, maybe over in Hangout, asking for suggestions since many of them won't just drop in to a BWW thread, but if they see a thread specifically asking about Toronto, they'll chime in!

Good idea! I've never checked out the Hangout thread but based on your suggestion I'll head over there right now and see if anyone bites.

 

[lovemybling]

Just a lurker checking out other forums and thought I would add my thoughts. I have been married for 13 years. we had a SMALL wedding of about 40 people. In Vegas because it was 1/2 way for both of our families. Am I glad I did it yeah, but would I spend the money and do it again. I don't think so. If it is only important for you and FI, take you MOH and BM and elope. SAVE THE MONEY. Have a great honeymoon. Have a get together with family and friends to celebrate after( small dinner or cocktail at someones home to share photos of elopement and honeymoon). Really it isn't about a "wedding" it is about getting married something between you two.

Good LUCK either way

 

[mrscushion]

FWIW, sirbenson, my legal ceremony (pre-destination wedding) was in San Francisco City Hall with just us and the maid of honor. It's a gorgeous venue and makes for beautiful pictures.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Our wedding was low key, under 60 people, married on the beach with a cocktail reception to follow. I never added up what it cost but i am thinking somewhere around the $7000 mark? def under 10k and yes, i would do it all again in a heartbeat.

 

[kama_s]

Sirbenson, there was a huge thread on this on the Newlywed forum a few months ago, and the OP received a lot of differing opinions that I think you might find useful:

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/was-it-worth-it.136300/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/was-it-worth-it.136300/[/URL]

FWIW, my response is still the same. We aren't big spenders, but without doubt, it was a day we look back fondly at. Yes, it definitely is a lot of money to throw on one day and the number still makes me cringe just a teeny bit, but the memories are absolutely priceless.

Hope you decide what's best for you and your fiancee

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Since everyone has been so honest thus far lemme ask another blunt question: Is it wrong to feel that if we eloped or just ran off to city hall to get married that we'd miss out on getting dressed up and having photos taken by a professional photographer to capture the moment?

Why couldn't you get a fabulous dress and a photographer for your elopement? You totally can.

Agreed, do both! PSer mia1181 and her San Francisco City Hall Elopement comes to mind... hope you don't mind mia!
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/our-elopement-story-pro-pics.97046/

I have a friend who did this in July! Went all the way from Australia to get married in SF City Hall. I'm pretty sure mia's pics were the inspiration. Needless to say her wedding was fabulous and the pics were to die for.

 

[AustenNut]

Long story short, I had an amazing time at our wedding and, to my surprise, it truly made up for the stress I felt during planning. That said, it being a destination wedding that almost everyone took vacation days for, I did have several days with my closest friends and family in a beautiful location. Also, the people were amazing, and I got to spend a lot of time with them, which undoubtedly made everything as wonderful as it was. So yes, it was worth it for me in the end because of the longer format of my wedding. Had I had a 5-hour wedding, though, I think the scale might tip the other way.

Like Amzizzle, I'm getting married in 50 days. So I can't speak from hindsight yet. But I think we're going to really enjoy it. Why? Because even though we're getting married in the town we live in, for 90% of our guests, it's going to be a destination wedding. So they're coming in days beforehand so that we can all hang out and have fun together. So I'm with MsCushion about it being totally worth it. We're going to have around 60 guests (1/3 of them kids) so it should still feel fairly intimate, and I'll get to spend a lot of time visiting with them. And we're spending about $7500, which includes the rehearsal dinner (which is all the guests). So it's definitely possible to stay on a smaller budget but still have a non-elopement wedding.

Also, it's possible to have a very intimate wedding. As in your maid of honor, your best man, and the parents, or parents and siblings if you'd like. You can have it be as small or as large as you want. People who are not as close (cousins, aunt/uncles) will understand that they're not invited if you're only having 8-10 people at your ceremony. And your costs would go way down too, and you can still have your fabulous dress and photographer.

 

[NakedFinger]

Sirbenson, there was a huge thread on this on the Newlywed forum a few months ago, and the OP received a lot of differing opinions that I think you might find useful:

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/was-it-worth-it.136300/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/was-it-worth-it.136300/[/URL]

FWIW, my response is still the same. We aren't big spenders, but without doubt, it was a day we look back fondly at. Yes, it definitely is a lot of money to throw on one day and the number still makes me cringe just a teeny bit, but the memories are absolutely priceless.

Hope you decide what's best for you and your fiancee

Kama- Thanks for posting that. It was mine and I was just looking for it to post it here too!

Anyways Sirbenson, as someone how posed that same question, decided on having the traditional wedding, tripled my budget, paid for it myself, and now married with all said and done.....do I regret it??? A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y NOT!

The tears, the laughter, and the complete and utter joy shared with my friends and family that day could never have a price on it. My dad being there to walk me down the aisle, my sister as my MOH, my little sister and brother as my ring bearer and flower girl, my younger brother reading, and my older brother singing at my ceremony.....my first dance with my husband and my dad, my parents dancing to their wedding song....I wouldnt trade those moments for anything in the world.

I had debated a destination wedding, with a dinner afterwards. Many friends and family would not have been able to go (possibly even my parents), and I could not imagine them not being there. And being able to dance with my husband and my dad, the speeches, etc everything that we wouldnt have had at a desination wedding or eloping...I coudnt imagine not having those memories. I had my moments during planning when I thought to myself, "what am I thinking?", but I am so glad I did it.

At the end of the evening, as things were winding down, and my dad was staring at my mom, looking out onto the dance floor as his family were all dancing, he said this is why you did it. This is why it was worth it. And I agree, I loved seeing everyone share in the joy of the day, celebrating with family that were all truly happy for us. I wouldnt change it for the world (could I have done it for less? Yes. But it was all worth it for me. Right down to the firework show! ).

 

[RissaLou]

I believe that every couple should do what's best for their own relationship. Our wedding was absolutely perfect for us, it was everything we wanted. We could not imagine such an important thing like a marriage not being shared with all our close friends and family. I loved the planning and processing and the final product. It was such a memorable and special day to me my new husband and our families. A wedding doesn't have to be a certain way. In the end you are marrying the person that you love, and however you chose to celebrate it should be right for you, whatever that may be.

 

[sirbenson]

FWIW, sirbenson, my legal ceremony (pre-destination wedding) was in San Francisco City Hall with just us and the maid of honor. It's a gorgeous venue and makes for beautiful pictures.

I should seriously look into eloping to SF....I wonder how easy it is for Canadians to wed there?

On the other hand, though Ontario doesn't seem to have its share of gorgeous city halls we do have a tonne of historic buidlings in Toronto that would make a gorgeous backdrop for photos. Not sure we can hold a ceremony there but its definately something I will look into.

 

[sirbenson]

Our wedding was low key, under 60 people, married on the beach with a cocktail reception to follow. I never added up what it cost but i am thinking somewhere around the $7000 mark? def under 10k and yes, i would do it all again in a heartbeat.

I'd love to have a beach ceremony for just a handful of people Ontario has some beaches but I'm not sure that any would be suitable for a beach ceremoy.

 

[sirbenson]

Sirbenson, there was a huge thread on this on the Newlywed forum a few months ago, and the OP received a lot of differing opinions that I think you might find useful:

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/was-it-worth-it.136300/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/was-it-worth-it.136300/[/URL]

FWIW, my response is still the same. We aren't big spenders, but without doubt, it was a day we look back fondly at. Yes, it definitely is a lot of money to throw on one day and the number still makes me cringe just a teeny bit, but the memories are absolutely priceless.

Hope you decide what's best for you and your fiancee

Thanks, I'll check out the thread!

 

[sirbenson]

I have a friend who did this in July! Went all the way from Australia to get married in SF City Hall. I'm pretty sure mia's pics were the inspiration. Needless to say her wedding was fabulous and the pics were to die for.

So its doable for foreigners....good news!

*Is there some way to respond to more than once post at a time? If so I seem to be missing it...

 

[sirbenson]

Sirbenson, there was a huge thread on this on the Newlywed forum a few months ago, and the OP received a lot of differing opinions that I think you might find useful:

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/was-it-worth-it.136300/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/was-it-worth-it.136300/[/URL]

FWIW, my response is still the same. We aren't big spenders, but without doubt, it was a day we look back fondly at. Yes, it definitely is a lot of money to throw on one day and the number still makes me cringe just a teeny bit, but the memories are absolutely priceless.

Hope you decide what's best for you and your fiancee

Kama- Thanks for posting that. It was mine and I was just looking for it to post it here too!

Anyways Sirbenson, as someone how posed that same question, decided on having the traditional wedding, tripled my budget, paid for it myself, and now married with all said and done.....do I regret it??? A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y NOT!

The tears, the laughter, and the complete and utter joy shared with my friends and family that day could never have a price on it. My dad being there to walk me down the aisle, my sister as my MOH, my little sister and brother as my ring bearer and flower girl, my younger brother reading, and my older brother singing at my ceremony.....my first dance with my husband and my dad, my parents dancing to their wedding song....I wouldnt trade those moments for anything in the world.

I had debated a destination wedding, with a dinner afterwards. Many friends and family would not have been able to go (possibly even my parents), and I could not imagine them not being there. And being able to dance with my husband and my dad, the speeches, etc everything that we wouldnt have had at a desination wedding or eloping...I coudnt imagine not having those memories. I had my moments during planning when I thought to myself, "what am I thinking?", but I am so glad I did it.

At the end of the evening, as things were winding down, and my dad was staring at my mom, looking out onto the dance floor as his family were all dancing, he said this is why you did it. This is why it was worth it. And I agree, I loved seeing everyone share in the joy of the day, celebrating with family that were all truly happy for us. I wouldnt change it for the world (could I have done it for less? Yes. But it was all worth it for me. Right down to the firework show! ).

Thanks for posting and for asking the question earlier, I will check out the advice you got in your thread.

As for all the things you would have missed out on should you have eloped (dad walking you down aisle, speeches, first dance, etc.) well those are all examples of things that I don't want at my wedding anyway should I end up having a ceremony/reception with invited guests. I'm not saying this in a bad way....just proves that in hte planning process I must choose what is most important for my fiance and I and stay true to that. I can't honestly say it wouldn't bother me to never celebrate getting married with family/friends so I think a happy medium where we have a small wedding for 12 ish closest people and then maybe some informal gathering in the future to celebrate could be a good idea. My biggest problem right now is not being passionate enough about any single idea.