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Would this upset you? (especially for dog owners)

february2003bride

february2003bride

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
3,558
We just adopted a 9 year old rescue Monday night. Being the proud "parents" that we are, I posted a few pictures on FB and titled the album "Sophia our last name". Yesterday FIL sent DH an email saying that I needed to remove the surname from FB and to never use it on our dog again. That it was insulting to his name.

I was so upset I started crying. I felt like he insulted our doggy (who has not nor will not do anything to FIL) whom we already love so much and is a member of OUR family, attacked me because I'm the one who posted the album name on FB, and I hate that he thinks he can control anything we do. I didn't tag anyone in the photo so only people on my friends list could see it.

DH had called me to tell me this and thankfully, he is mad. I did change it while I was on the phone with DH but in hindsight I wish I had kept it and said tough luck. It's our last name too, she's our dog, it's my FB page and just blocked him from seeing the album. Last night I did block him from see any albums on my FB page, including the ones of our kids. It's probably not mature but I hate the thought of him going through my FB, judging what's right and wrong.

I thought I'd be calmer about it today but I'm actually MORE upset. DH agrees that his parents are being ignorant, and he did shoot him back and email saying "its been removed" but now he wants to drop it.

To make matters worse, thye are probably leaving to go back home to India (they are living with my BIL right now) soon and will want to come visit one last time for a couple of days. I was 100% supportive and even encouraged a visit (and those of you who know my history with my inlaws know that is huge) before this happened. Now they thought of them visiting makes my blood boil.

Am I overreacting? DH is in total agreement that his dad is being silly, mean, and ignorant but doesn't want to turn this into a pi$$ing match with him. I'm just SO mad and upset over this.
 
Feb - I have a feeling that this might be something cultural related, since you mentioned the IL's are from India? I would honestly let it go as being that, a cultural difference. I think that if you blocked him from the albums then you can feel free to add it back in if it is important to you. I also think that you should continue to gush over her. I think though that in India, a name, and a person's position in a religious light, are very important (sorry to mention religion but just pointing this out) to them, and some people keep in mind the castes and they also look at animals differently there. To them a dog may not be viewed as a familiar, whereas they also value cows higher than we do here. I'm sorry that you felt like they insulted your pup, and I DO think he violated you by judging you on it, but again, I think the cultural difference is probably to blame.
 
It would have pissed me off, and I would have simply said "i'm sorry you feel that way" and left it at that. Of course, I might have a different kind of relationship with my inlaws than you...
 
I too would have been very, very upset. It seems like such a petty complaint. I am not on FB, at all, and am happy for it. It seems to give a lot of people a lot of good reasons to complain about nothing. I'm sorry I have no real advice for you on dealing with the FIL, but it seems like you will have to just grin and bear it, long enough, until they leave.

With that said, congrats on your new doggie! I'd love it if you started a new thread for her here. Pictures please! We will celebrate her with you, regardless of what you label your photos!!!!!!!
 
i'd put the last name back........his problem if he doesn't like it whether its cultural or not. your dog, your home, YOUR CULTURE.

MoZo
 
Hey Feb!

Calling someone a dog is a pretty common insult in India. Did your DH mention this? Naming your dog after your FIL (even if by proxy, by using his surname), well..makes for an awkward situation.
 
Wow. I think he completely overreacted! I agree with MZ. Even if it would be an insult in India, he needs to remember that you're not from India and do not live there, so you would have no way of knowing that this would go against his culture. Obviously, you didn't intend it as an insult to anyone, and he should have known that. I think he was totally out of line to e-mail your DH and demand that you remove the caption from the picture. That's not his decision to make. :nono:
 
Given the history, I understand why you're upset, as it sounds like your ILs have a tendency to be controlling and overly-involved.

That said? Yeah, you're sort of overreacting. It's a dog, not a family member, and I say that as someone who LOVES her pets. I may be a bit of a bitch on occasion, but I wouldn't exactly dig on a family photo that labeled me, my SIL, and their pooch as "the three Circe girls," or something, and I'm not even from a culture that has a cleanliness/purity thing about dogs. I wouldn't go out of my way to complain about it, but I'd think it was a bit demeaning to be equated with something that drank out of the toilet. Given your husbands parents antecedents ... I can see it.

I would guess this is bringing up a lot of baggage for you, and the best advice I can offer is ... don't let it. Enjoy your new dog, enjoy your IL visit as much as you can, and just try to let it all flow over you. My personal mantra in similar situations comes from a science fiction movie: I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar. It's v. soothing to just repeat to oneself ....
 
I'm a dog lover, but especially hearing your IL's are from India, I can understand why they responded that way. Most cultures do not understand why we anthropomorphize our pets the way we do.
He insulted your dog? I'm sure your dog doesn't care whether you call him him Sophia or Sophia + your last name. They just care if they are given a place to live and lots of love.
 
Thanks everyone!

I'm well aware this is a cultural issue but as DH said, it's our name too and our dog. Today we got her tag and put "Sophia our last name & phone number" on it. If they visit and are upset by it, so be it but we're not removing her name tag.

partgypsy, I know my dog wasn't actually insulted by it as if she knows the situation, lol. But to think that our dog can't have our last name? That's silly. We went to her first vet appointment today and they asked for her first and last name! Obviously we just call her by her first name but really, I cant name a FB photo album with her full name on it?

DH wants to just drop the issue and has told me to not let it ruin my day. I'm trying but I'm still really irritated by it.

ETA: DH said I could put our last name back on the album since I've blocked FIL, but BIL would likely tell him and it would cause a fight between DH and FIL. I'd rather not DH go through that stress right now (he was just diagnosed with a hernia and will probably have surgery for it soon).
 
Our dogs have their own FB pages using our family surname, so obviously I completely understand where you are coming from.

Regardless of whether it's right or wrong in a particular culture, I'd just do what is least stressful for you (and it sounds like that is what you are doing). If it's going to cause a huge rift between your DH and his father, it might not be worth the battle. That being said, if my in-laws had a problem with it and asked me to remove it, I wouldn't. If it bothered them, I wouldn't care. It doesn't affect them in any way, so however they choose to react is their issue.
 
Circe said:
Given the history, I understand why you're upset, as it sounds like your ILs have a tendency to be controlling and overly-involved.

That said? Yeah, you're sort of overreacting. It's a dog, not a family member, and I say that as someone who LOVES her pets. I may be a bit of a bitch on occasion, but I wouldn't exactly dig on a family photo that labeled me, my SIL, and their pooch as "the three Circe girls," or something, and I'm not even from a culture that has a cleanliness/purity thing about dogs. I wouldn't go out of my way to complain about it, but I'd think it was a bit demeaning to be equated with something that drank out of the toilet. Given your husbands parents antecedents ... I can see it.

I would guess this is bringing up a lot of baggage for you, and the best advice I can offer is ... don't let it. Enjoy your new dog, enjoy your IL visit as much as you can, and just try to let it all flow over you. My personal mantra in similar situations comes from a science fiction movie: I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar. It's v. soothing to just repeat to oneself ....
Click to expand...

Sorry, ditto. I mean, I could understand this reaction if it were over a child, but a dog you literally JUST adopted? Really? I think you're well aware it's a cultural thing... don't let them interfere with whatever it is that makes you happy. Do your own thing, sometimes you just have to shrug it off and roll with the punches.
 
I read every post so far and what I get out of this is: DH doesn't want you to put your surname back and DH is going to have surgery. Therefore I would do what he wants.

Considering everything I've read this seems like the most important thing to me.
 
Personally, I wouldn't have deleted the last name. Good call on blocking him from viewing your pictures.

I don't think it is something I would cry over but I'd have a couple choice words I'd say to myself..
 
I would probably be upset as well but I think this is one you just have to chalk up to cultural differences. I understand how previous issues with your ILs would make it even worse though...I'm sorry your FIL was not more diplomatic in his request. He could have nicely explained why putting the surname there was offensive to him and then asked you to remove it.

Ultimately, I do agree with Imdanny that you shouldn't start a family feud when your DH is about to get surgery.
 
lucyandroger said:
I would probably be upset as well but I think this is one you just have to chalk up to cultural differences. I understand how previous issues with your ILs would make it even worse though...I'm sorry your FIL was not more diplomatic in his request. He could have nicely explained why putting the surname there was offensive to him and then asked you to remove it.
Click to expand...

I agree with this too. He certainly could have been more diplomatic. I'm sorry he wasn't.
 
I think it would be a good idea if you could just let this go and try not to be so upset. Feeling irritated is only going to make you miserable and won't change anything. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, and I just don't think this one is worth fighting. Your fil feels he's right, and I don't think any discussion with him will change it. And I can't see any good in starting an argument between dh and his father over this. Just chalk it up to the cultural differences and enjoy your new doggie! I agree that your fil could have been more diplomatic, but...it is what it is.
 
We have always had cats. My darling MIL HATES them with a passion. We are currently sharing our house with a 13 year old rescue, Oscar Madison. We always call him Oscar {real last name} and include him when we send cards--birthday, holiday, etc.

She has told me she doesn't want him included on her cards. I told her he was a member of this family and will be included as long as he is alive. She had the choice of not getting a card, or getting one from ALL of us.

Some people just don't get how animals weave themselves into fabric of our everyday lives.
 
Amber St. Clare said:
We have always had cats. My darling MIL HATES them with a passion. We are currently sharing our house with a 13 year old rescue, Oscar Madison. We always call him Oscar {real last name} and include him when we send cards--birthday, holiday, etc.

She has told me she doesn't want him included on her cards. I told her he was a member of this family and will be included as long as he is alive. She had the choice of not getting a card, or getting one from ALL of us.

Some people just don't get how animals weave themselves into fabric of our everyday lives.
Click to expand...

VERY well said, Amber! :appl:

Our pets truly ARE family members, and should be treated as such.
 
Let's just say, you and your FIL both overreacted. If he had asked nicely and explained why, you would have been sensitive to his wishes.
 
But that's how their vet identifies them. Louie, Winston, Margaret and Ivan "my last name". Heck, I considered hyphenating since I never changed my name to DH's-lol.

Change it to your maiden name.
And I had to edit a second time to say God bless you for adopting an older girl. She must be so happy. And if I were your MIL I'd be coming over with a basket of dog toys.
 
lulu, I was thinking the same thing regarding how the vets label them! Feb, if your FIL comes over, sees the tags, and throws a hissy fit, if I were you, I would politely tell him that most veterinarians file their paperwork as "animal's name, owner's last name" and for that reason, the dog does have the same last name as you because the dog is your legal property. Perhaps he wouldn't see it as being insulting if it were put to him in the context of ownership--isn't his last name on the deed to his home or the title to his car? Granted, his reaction was impolite and could have been handled better, but I wouldn't take his feelings over the dog's name as an insult to you or your dog, just like he shouldn't have taken the dog's name as an insult to him. Chalk it up to a cultural understanding, let bygones be bygones, and baby the puppykins to pieces. Again, I'm seconding lulu--good job on taking in an older dog. They're so often overlooked, but they make such fantastic pets!
 
It would annoy me, yes, but I would let it go. It sounds like there are cultural differences, and like he may just be a somewhat angry and controlling person in general. I don't think you have to change anything on FB for him - do what you want.
 
Your last name, your dog, your family. My dogs are as much my family as my parents and fiancee are.
 
Yeah, a lot of this is cultural. I won't let my response be influenced by the history of issues your ILs have caused and will focus only on the question on hand. My father was here visiting last month and one day he exclaimed "why do all these white people have animals. It's so dumb". I am quite blunt, so I responded with a "yes, but they're more loyal than your ex-wide ever was". He agreed, but in his mind they are still animals.

My opinion, kick FIL and BIL off your FB. The less contact you have, the better.
 
I'm not a pet person. At all. And I have my opinions on comparing your pet to a child BUT everyone has their own definition of family which I do respect. If that is your furbaby then I get the excitement.

That said I agree that with your DH's surgery coming up, this argument is not worth it. I would try to keep things stress free for DH and after you can decide to put it back or not.

And honestly, if that were me I would restrict my inlaws from seeing everything.
 
I would be pretty pissed. Both my kittens have my last name, both my mom's puppies have her (our) last name. We feel very strongly that pets = family. That said, I wouldn't make this an issue since your DH is going to be going through a tough time with the surgery (good luck to him btw!).

Instead, I would 1) unfriend or block your FIL from seeing anything on your FB profile ASAP; and 2) put a surname back on...your maiden name.

If your FIL is going to be looking at your FB profile to pick, criticize and intrude, then I don't believe he has the right to see the profile. You can't control his attitude, but you CAN control what he has access to.
 
oh screw him!!! It's not HIS name it's YOUR name. He's an *******.
 
I'd be irritated too, and I'd put the last name back on and block whoever needs blocking from being able to view it. Our animals have full names at the vets too, and my cat's names are short enough that their middle names are on file. I understand people have different cultures but if it's not your culture or even if it is and it's not something you hold to, it's nobody else's business. I'm a bit of an Eddie Murphy "S'MY house, don't like it get the F out"-and that would apply to everyone. It's his culture not to do it, but you could say it's your culture TO do it, and I would tend to say that whoever owns the dog gets to name it.
 
My personal opinion is that they overreacted and you overreacted also. You can't change their reaction, only yours. In the spirit of picking your battles, I'd try to deescalate this one.
 
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