Would like to get your thoughts

[bebe0912]

Hi ladies! I hope you've all had a good weekend. So I wanted to get your thoughts on something. I have been reading some past posts and was reading one regarding "the ultimatum" that got me thinking. So my bf and I have been together for a little over a year. We've been living together for seven months. Initially, our relationship moved very quickly and we talked about marriage/rings/the future very early (within weeks). After that we made a decision to buy a house (he bought the house so there is no financial tie there, but with the intention of it being "our house" one day). I moved out of my apartment, got a new job, and we moved to a city about 30 miles north of where we were living. I tell you these things only to illustrate the amount of change that happened in those few months, after only having known each other a few months. So after some time went on, I think we both began to realize the enormity of the decisions we had been discussing. Life was very stressful and there were a lot of adjustments. Eventually it sort of worked its way off the table and it's something that has taken a completely different turn now. Initially, he and I were equally party to discussing all of these things. Now, he feels very pressured if I bring much of anything up. When we first began dating, I let him know I had zero interest in being in a relationship that was "going nowhere." He said he understood and we agreed to let each other know if we ever felt we knew this relationship wasn't going to be long-term. Admittedly I have been pretty pushy with the ring talk. I just get so excited about it and I want to talk to him about it. I've come to realize that me bringing it up all the time and me directly or indirectly creating this "pressure cooker" for him, the more he just digs in his heels. That all aside, I can certainly stop with the talk, redirect my thoughts, etc. I am more worried if this should be a warning sign for me. Do you think by now he should be more certain about spending the rest of his life with me? Do you think it's reasonable that he doesn't or do you think it means he's probably "just not that into me"? And obviously please give me your honest opinions, even if they may hurt!

 

[amc80]

A couple of thoughts about your situation-

1) I think most people know within a year whether or not they want to marry the person. From personal experience (and those experiences of friends), after the relationship ended, I could look back and see that it was over WAY before it was actually over. You're either on the same page or you're not.

2) Guys are action people. If a guy wants to get engaged, he will. Or he will tell you about his intentions and make moves to make it happen (like save for a ring, get a better job, etc.).

I was in a relationship that sounds a lot like yours. It started off FAST. We were both hooked within a few weeks. I was hesitant and cautious at first, and I told him how I felt. He told me that everything was great and not to worry (blah blah blah). So I closed my eyes and jumped. And I fell, hard. Fast forward a few months. I felt him pulling back. He stopped talking about the future and started spending more time alone. Bam- he told me it was all going to fast for him and he wasn't ready. Yes, it sucked and I pretty much wanted to punch him. Still do.

I'm not saying this is your situation, but it does sound like there are similarities. I think you need to really think about your relationship from an objective standpoint. Pretend it was your best friend or sister and you were giving her advice. You know your situation best and you know your boyfriend.

Good luck, and I hope everything works out (whichever way it does!).

 

[mochamamasita]

Have you asked him yet why he's acting differently?

 

[redskins83]

So my bf and I have been together for a little over a year. We've been living together for seven months. Initially, our relationship moved very quickly and we talked about marriage/rings/the future very early (within weeks).

Just curious, how old are you?

I'm a guy and I ran away from my last girlfriend because, among other things, she pushed too hard to get married. All the pushing for marriage made her seem a little crazy, controlling, and mentally unstable. The more she pushed, whined, and begged, the more I looked for flaws and eventually I broke up with her. My girlfriend now is great -- totally laid back. She mentioned that marriage was important to her and that was that. I recently bought a ring too!

Remember that life is a journey not a race. After all, a lot of people who rush into marriage end up divorced. You guys have already taken it fast -- why not slow it down a little and enjoy each other's company?

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Argh! Sounds scary and emotionally charged!

Honestly I would stop talking about anything commitment related, pull yourself back a bit and just see how he reacts. Guys like the thrill of the chase but right now you are served up on a plate - there is nothing to chase.

If he asks why you are getting a bit distant just say you could tell he has been feeling pressured a bit lately, and you decided to give him some room to sort himself out. Definately dont get emotional.

Go out with your friends and have fun outside the relationship.

Dont put as much empathis on *pushing* the relationship forward, it will start moving forward again naturally when you're both ready.

Anyhows, I dont think you should be worried. He might even be testing you to see how you react when he pulls himself away. If you react level headedly and concentrate enjoying life outside the relationship he will see how strong you are, and that you love him, but you dont *need* him (to be happy and healthy).

 

[swingirl]

You moved in together very early in your relationship and have been playing house for 7 months. That's very quick in my opinion. I don't think you've given yourselves enough time to really know each other. How long have you been pressuring him with ring talk? That kind of spoils it when one person is way ahead of the other in terms of the relationship. Why are you in such a rush to get engaged and married anyway? Why not just enjoy the relationship for now and see where it goes. I think you still have a lot to learn about each other. One thing is for certain, bf has what he wants (house and live-in gf). You, not so much. You moved away, changed jobs, are living in someone else's house, and have no commitment. Just curious, do you pay rent?

 

[FuturePsyD]

Thanks for sharing your story and I'm sorry you're feeling that your bf may be pulling back. That's not a good feeling at all.

Honestly, it's hard to tell what may be going on with your bf.
It could be any number of things:

you guys moved too fast and he's feeling pressured/scared/getting cold feet, etc.
he wants to make the decision on his own without input from you about the ring/engagement
he has things the way he wants it and is resistant to changing, he's enjoying being gf/bf, etc.
are the rings you are discussing within budget or at least reasonable to save for?
he's getting negative advice from friends, family, co-workers (this has happened to SO many of my friends where their bf's were getting earfuls about not rushing, taking their time, making sure the girl is "the one" does he want to make such a big commitment so quickly, etc. and the guys listened to all this from my understanding of what my girlfriends told me).

Without open communication with him, its hard to tell what he is thinking and if its just temporary and you guys will moved past it or if this change has a more permanent tone to it?

My advice is to see if you are able to engage him in a calm conversation (without talk of rings and such) and see how he is feeling about your relationship and where he is at. Let him know you're ok with whatever he has to say so that you can get the truth out of him no matter what it may be.

Generally, yes within a year I would say that most couples know if they have a common goal of wanting to be married. Doesn't mean it happens right after you decide this is what you both want, life throws curveballs, etc. But if he has doubts, I don't find that uncommon at all and it certainly doesn't mean the end of your relationship. Just a matter of getting past whatever mental obstacles he may have.

 

[bebe0912]

Good morning everyone! Thanks for your input. I guess I should have been more clear on some things, but then again, there is no way to really explain to a third party all of the nuances of a relationship.

To answer a couple of your questions, it's not as much that he is acting differently as that things have changed. When we first met and were talking about marriage and all of that it was really more of a fantasy than it was anything we were seriously planning. We got caught up in the moment, etc. I got a TON of resistance from people in my life who were saying, "SLOW DOWN, what in the heck are you thinking?" At the same time, his parents met and married within five months and mine within three months. So we were almost encouraged by our parents to move things along quickly. I kinda freaked out by having all of my friends become so concerned. (I think if most of the people in your life are telling you something, the least you can do is listen.) After that, things became much more fear based for me. (Am I making a mistake? How well do I really know this person? What if he turns out to be a bad guy? I don't want to get hurt!! What if him wanting to move so quickly is a red flag like my friends say? etc, etc, etc) So there were a lot of really serious conversations that took place very early. I (and I take full responsibility for this) created a very serious atmosphere very early with all of my fears (rational or not), that really put a damper on things. Anyway, we moved through that, things leveled themselves out. Then came the real stressors. The house was done (new build) and he moved in. I was trying to find someone to take over my apartment lease. I was working in a prison and was completely miserable there and I was commuting an hour each way. Any of you who have purchased a new house know about everything that's required to go into it in the first year or so. There were so many decisions that had to be made, tons of money that had to be spent, etc. He became extremely overwhelmed with all of it and had a very difficult time adjusting. I wasn't as much fun to be around since I was completely miserable at my job and allowed that to carry over outside of work. So we started arguing and bickering. About the dumbest things. It added to the stress, of course, and we didn't really know each other very well. We had no experience with the other person during stressful situations and here we are living together and also trying to adjust to everything that comes along with that! In retrospect, did we move in together too quickly? Probably. It was a lot of pretty big life decisions happening at one time. At the same time, I am very grateful that we learned very early on in our relationship how each of us responds to stress and we were able to enhance our communication to include being able to tell each other what we need when we're feeling overwhelmed, etc. So the 9 page answer to your question, mochamamasita, is no, I haven't directly asked him because it's already stuff that has come about during other conversations. During all of this stuff going on, marriage was the last thing on either of our minds because we were more concerned with, "is this relationship even going to work?" Fast forward a few months and I have a new job that is 1,002,569 times less oppressive and depressing, we've gotten through most of the large house projects (landscaping, etc), and have (through good communication) learned how to support each other much more effectively and live together happily. So I came quickly back to considering marriage because I feel even more confident now than I ever did about our ability to be excellent partners through life.

When we initially began talking about marriage and rings and things, we were thinking about the first time homebuyers credit that would help pay for a ring. We both underestimated the amount of money that goes into the first few years of home ownership. That money was gone very quickly. There were several other large purchases made plus the downpayment he made. Essentially, his savings is gone and he is focused on getting these other debts paid off. He isn't particularly interested in acquiring more at this time. Which I completely understand. He told me a few weeks ago that he didn't want to buy a ring until he got some of the other things paid off (which would be late next year). I kinda huffed and said then it would be 2012 when we got married and then I would be 33 and I would be so old!! (Not my best moment admitedly, but I'm human and he knows how important having a family is to me) He said he didn't want to wait until 2012 either. Anyway, I am going into too much detail, I'm sorry. During the last conversation we had about it he said to me, "if our lives were back to normal, I'd marry you tomorrow." This, combined with other statements he has made, leads me to believe that his biggest hesitations right now are the financial piece as well as wanting some time to be "normal" before moving right into planning a wedding, etc. I guess my question to you all is, does that seem reasonable? It does to me, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of.

Redskins - I will be 31 in December and he will be 33 in March. I know that is a big part of why I feel (like it or not) some type of pressure. And you're completely right, I am sure I have created both direct and indirect pressure for both of us which most certainly negatively effects my behavior and is not helping the situation.

Natalie - Thank you! That's exactly what I've been trying to do. I found myself falling into this place of dependency and it didn't feel good. I am a pretty independent person and I finally was like, "what are you doing???" That seems to be helping a lot, mostly because I am not as focused on him and our future, and more on my own. If they coincide, awesome, if not I know I will be okay.

Swingirl - I kind of pay rent? Our finances are pretty much joint. We maintain all of our own accounts and everything but we make most of the decisions together and pay for most things equally.

PsyD - Thank you! I am not sure if he has talked to his friends about it much. I know he talked to his parents a few months ago and they were pretty much telling him that if he has doubts I am "the one", then I'm probably not. Which...is helpful! I personally don't believe in "the one" in the sense that there is only one person out there in the universe that anyone could be happy and have a successful marriage with. I know I have been in relationships and we loved the heck out of each other, but the relationship just wouldn't have worked long term. I guess I look at things more practically and although love is of course incredibly important, it's not necessarily enough. Also, like you mentioned, it has been very important to him for everything to be a surprise. He doesn't want me to have any clue about the proposal and doesn't want me to pick out the ring. The ring part has changed over time as he has seen the importance of having my input, so we've come up with a compromise on that. But yes I definitely think my talking about it as often as I had been was sort of "ruining it" for him in that regard. Several of my best friends just got married (with one getting married in June) and they were with their SOs for 3-5 years before they were married. All of their SOs were wishy-washy, inconsistent, hesitant one day and then sure the next, and needed their own time to come to their own conclusion about proposing. So they all tell me that what my bf is doing is normal and that I just need to back off and give it time. I just don't want to be ignorant and be ignoring obvious indicators that we are not on the same page, if that makes sense!?

Sorry for the novel everyone!

 

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your BF is definitely committed to you, and your relationship. It also sounds like you're on the right path in terms of communicating, working on your relationship, and working on yourself as individuals. Your relationship moved FAST in the beginning, and you sort of paid for that with having to work through cohabitation and really getting to know each other. Now you get to enjoy life together as BF/GF. It sounds like engagement is on the horizon, especially with what he said about not wanting to wait until 2012 either. Men just don't think in the same terms as women do regarding how long things like engagements, weddings, babies, etc. actually can take. I know my FI and I had a pretty big discrepancy as far as timing was concerned. Once I sat down and talked it out with him, letting him know how long things take, how long we had to make decisions if we want to consider having a child (which we still haven't decided yes or no to, but don't want to rule out), he realized that "a few years" wouldn't work.

If I'm being honest, I don't think it's ONLY about finances because you both need some time together as a couple to just live normally together before getting engaged. For us though, once it did get to the point where he said (and I fully believe) the only thing holding us up was money, I did what I could to help out with expenses (picking up dinner tabs more often, paying additional bills, etc.). I wanted to help pay for the ring indirectly, since I knew he wouldn't let me help pay for it. We talked about it though, and I told him flat out that's what I was doing. In return he saved all the extra money that would have gone to those things. Anyhow, sorry for the long winded response. I just felt compelled to reply since at least part of your situation mirrors mine.

Good luck, and enjoy your bf/gf time together. You need this time for yourself! I know it's tough as we get a little older, but you still have a LOT of time left. You need to be sure for yourself that you're where you're meant to be. You can always opt for a shorter engagement, start trying right away, etc. if it ends up being a 2012 wedding. It's not the end of the world, as long as you know it IS what he wants and things keep going the way they sound like they are (in the right direction, together!).

 

[HappyNewLife]

something tells me he's thinking about all the same things you are, he's just not showing it outwardly. I have to agree with the guy poster above (sorry, forgot your name)-- there's nothing wrong with slowing down and just enjoying what you have right now. A little over a year is not a long time (trust me, I know how you feel-- I am impatient too) and particularly if you've already gone through SO much stuff in that short time. I hope you two can just enjoy your new life. Enjoy your house, your new job, make time with friends, go on dates. Really ENJOY what you two have worked so hard for. And keep getting to know one another. And stop focusing so much on the next thing and enjoy the NOW. It will happen, you will be engaged, married, a mother, etc. But you can't control WHEN without potentially driving him away.

HUGS!

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

I'm with everyone saying that you need to take more time to get to know each other. You really haven't been dating long and it seems that you've both jumped into some big decisions very fast. Take a little time to slow down and enjoy each other. It really sounds like he is just as committed to this relationship as you are so I don't think there are any worries there. Just because he wants a little more time before proposing doesn't mean that he doesn't want to marry you. I know that you feel like time is ticking away for you and a family is important but you aren't too old at all. No need to rush. I know its easier to give advice than it is to take it but I hope we've comforted you at least a little. If it's any help, my sister didn't get married til she was 34 and had her first child at 35 with no problems. Now she has 3 kids and she had the easiest pregnancies I've ever seen! Good luck with all of the stress and enjoy your relationship

 

[gemma.in.waiting]

I agree, it does sound like he is on the same page as you. I know that financial situations have the ability to create lots of issues, but it sounds like you two are getting through it. From my experience, if it feels like the issue is getting pushed by one person or the other...it's not the right time. My BF and I went through some issues last year around this time when we were thinking of getting engaged. We thought we were ready, but when it came down to it, I was more ready than he was. It caused a bit of a riff between us for a few months, because I think I resented him for it. In my mind, I felt like he didn't want to marry me rather than it just wasn't the right time for him. The important thing is that you guys keep an open dialogue about it, so that you don't feel afraid to tell him how you feel. It seems like you have that down, though. Keep your chin up!

ETA: I'm sleepy, and I need to learn to proofread. ah, grammar!

 

[Autumnovember]

Good morning everyone! Thanks for your input. I guess I should have been more clear on some things, but then again, there is no way to really explain to a third party all of the nuances of a relationship.

To answer a couple of your questions, it's not as much that he is acting differently as that things have changed. When we first met and were talking about marriage and all of that it was really more of a fantasy than it was anything we were seriously planning. We got caught up in the moment, etc. I got a TON of resistance from people in my life who were saying, "SLOW DOWN, what in the heck are you thinking?" At the same time, his parents met and married within five months and mine within three months. So we were almost encouraged by our parents to move things along quickly. I kinda freaked out by having all of my friends become so concerned. (I think if most of the people in your life are telling you something, the least you can do is listen.) After that, things became much more fear based for me. (Am I making a mistake? How well do I really know this person? What if he turns out to be a bad guy? I don't want to get hurt!! What if him wanting to move so quickly is a red flag like my friends say? etc, etc, etc) So there were a lot of really serious conversations that took place very early. I (and I take full responsibility for this) created a very serious atmosphere very early with all of my fears (rational or not), that really put a damper on things. Anyway, we moved through that, things leveled themselves out. Then came the real stressors. The house was done (new build) and he moved in. I was trying to find someone to take over my apartment lease. I was working in a prison and was completely miserable there and I was commuting an hour each way. Any of you who have purchased a new house know about everything that's required to go into it in the first year or so. There were so many decisions that had to be made, tons of money that had to be spent, etc. He became extremely overwhelmed with all of it and had a very difficult time adjusting. I wasn't as much fun to be around since I was completely miserable at my job and allowed that to carry over outside of work. So we started arguing and bickering. About the dumbest things. It added to the stress, of course, and we didn't really know each other very well. We had no experience with the other person during stressful situations and here we are living together and also trying to adjust to everything that comes along with that! In retrospect, did we move in together too quickly? Probably. It was a lot of pretty big life decisions happening at one time. At the same time, I am very grateful that we learned very early on in our relationship how each of us responds to stress and we were able to enhance our communication to include being able to tell each other what we need when we're feeling overwhelmed, etc. So the 9 page answer to your question, mochamamasita, is no, I haven't directly asked him because it's already stuff that has come about during other conversations. During all of this stuff going on, marriage was the last thing on either of our minds because we were more concerned with, "is this relationship even going to work?" Fast forward a few months and I have a new job that is 1,002,569 times less oppressive and depressing, we've gotten through most of the large house projects (landscaping, etc), and have (through good communication) learned how to support each other much more effectively and live together happily. So I came quickly back to considering marriage because I feel even more confident now than I ever did about our ability to be excellent partners through life.

When we initially began talking about marriage and rings and things, we were thinking about the first time homebuyers credit that would help pay for a ring. We both underestimated the amount of money that goes into the first few years of home ownership. That money was gone very quickly. There were several other large purchases made plus the downpayment he made. Essentially, his savings is gone and he is focused on getting these other debts paid off. He isn't particularly interested in acquiring more at this time. Which I completely understand. He told me a few weeks ago that he didn't want to buy a ring until he got some of the other things paid off (which would be late next year). I kinda huffed and said then it would be 2012 when we got married and then I would be 33 and I would be so old!! (Not my best moment admitedly, but I'm human and he knows how important having a family is to me) He said he didn't want to wait until 2012 either. Anyway, I am going into too much detail, I'm sorry. During the last conversation we had about it he said to me, "if our lives were back to normal, I'd marry you tomorrow." This, combined with other statements he has made, leads me to believe that his biggest hesitations right now are the financial piece as well as wanting some time to be "normal" before moving right into planning a wedding, etc. I guess my question to you all is, does that seem reasonable? It does to me, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of.

Redskins - I will be 31 in December and he will be 33 in March. I know that is a big part of why I feel (like it or not) some type of pressure. And you're completely right, I am sure I have created both direct and indirect pressure for both of us which most certainly negatively effects my behavior and is not helping the situation.

Natalie - Thank you! That's exactly what I've been trying to do. I found myself falling into this place of dependency and it didn't feel good. I am a pretty independent person and I finally was like, "what are you doing???" That seems to be helping a lot, mostly because I am not as focused on him and our future, and more on my own. If they coincide, awesome, if not I know I will be okay.

Swingirl - I kind of pay rent? Our finances are pretty much joint. We maintain all of our own accounts and everything but we make most of the decisions together and pay for most things equally.

PsyD - Thank you! I am not sure if he has talked to his friends about it much. I know he talked to his parents a few months ago and they were pretty much telling him that if he has doubts I am "the one", then I'm probably not. Which...is helpful! I personally don't believe in "the one" in the sense that there is only one person out there in the universe that anyone could be happy and have a successful marriage with. I know I have been in relationships and we loved the heck out of each other, but the relationship just wouldn't have worked long term. I guess I look at things more practically and although love is of course incredibly important, it's not necessarily enough. Also, like you mentioned, it has been very important to him for everything to be a surprise. He doesn't want me to have any clue about the proposal and doesn't want me to pick out the ring. The ring part has changed over time as he has seen the importance of having my input, so we've come up with a compromise on that. But yes I definitely think my talking about it as often as I had been was sort of "ruining it" for him in that regard. Several of my best friends just got married (with one getting married in June) and they were with their SOs for 3-5 years before they were married. All of their SOs were wishy-washy, inconsistent, hesitant one day and then sure the next, and needed their own time to come to their own conclusion about proposing. So they all tell me that what my bf is doing is normal and that I just need to back off and give it time. I just don't want to be ignorant and be ignoring obvious indicators that we are not on the same page, if that makes sense!?

Sorry for the novel everyone!

I think your SO is definitely in this for the long run. I think allowing him to take the time he needs to BE ready is the best thing for the both of you (even if it means you'll be 33 by the time you're married). I don't think there are any indicators here that are supposed to be red flags. Everyone becomes 'ready' at their own pace. I'm 22 and SO is 37. We were dating for 3 years and living together for 2 and I was much more ready for an engagement for much longer than he was. He knew he wanted to marry me in the future he just wasn't ready to make that step yet. A year and a half isn't awfully long. I completely agree with your friends that what he is doing is pretty normal and you definitely just need to give it time. A lot of the time I felt like me and SO weren't on the same page because I was ready to be engaged but he wasn't but now that I look back on it, I realize that everyone has their own pace.

 

[amc80]

It seems like you are doing your relationship in reverse- and I don't mean that in a negative way. Rather than getting to know each other while dating and then getting serious, discussing your future, and moving in together, you switched it up. Just look at it as you still need to go through all of those steps...spend this time really working on your relationship really getting to know each other- without the distractions of the new house, moving, new jobs, or planning a wedding. Just spend some time dating!

 

[monarch64]

Bebe, just have fun and stop worrying about dates and timelines! Make a checklist:

Do I have a great guy who cares very much for me? Yes/No

Do we have a great relationship in which we both communicate well with each other? Yes/No

Do I want to marry this man? Can I see myself physically/emotionally/mentally with him for the rest of my life? Yes/No

Do we have fun together when we aren't discussing VERY SERIOUS THINGS? Yes/No

Are we committed to each other? Yes/No

Will it kill me to allow him to have some time to work out his finances? Yes/No

Will it kill me to wait until I'm 33 to be married? Yes/No

Will it REALLY matter, in the long run, at what age I say "I do?" Yes/No

Do we both agree on fundamental issues such as having children, religion, money? Yes/No



Iron out some things on your own. Figure out where YOU stand on these points. It sounds as though he's already been doing some thinking on his own and maybe you guys just haven't done a really thorough job of communicating about the tough points (the fundamentals) or the little things. Get involved in your new community. I'm glad to hear that you BOTH made a move together, btw. Sometimes it's harder for we ladies to make a move to where the guys are... Anyway, volunteer, find an activity, sport, something that is JUST YOU. I think he needs to know (and this is a general comment) that you have your own life, that you do not depend on him for your happiness, that you are willing to take initiative and be your own person. That is probably who he fell in love with--the strong, capable woman who didn't pin all her needs and happiness on him. (That's a lot of pressure on someone, whatever their role is in the relationship!)

I think you'll be fine. You've already taken a big step in posting here and looking for unbiased opinions about your relationship. No matter what happens, always cultivate yourself and your life so that you DON'T have to depend on someone else to make you happy. I have always thought and said that you can't be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself, and it's totally a two-way street, that. Btw, what does HE do? Does he have lots of friends, is he very involved in the community? Or does he work and come home? Just curious.

 

[texaskj]

Great post, Monarch. Excellent points.
I always have the same question for people thinking they want to get married...Would you still marry him/her at city hall with a plain gold band? No fancy dress, no attendants, no shindig, it's the same result in the end.
You've both made some really big life changes in a short period of time. (I built two houses with my ex-husband and that's a huge stress.) You both need some time for things to calm down.
There is almost nothing more pathetic than a woman who thinks she needs to be engaged by age XX, married by age XX and have a minivan with 2.2 children by age XX. This is a guaranteed way to still be single at 40.
Give the man a little breathing room.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Also, there is a big difference in society's and biological expectations of women in their 30's compared to men in their 30's. There is far less pressure both biologically and socially on men to settle down by their early 30's, a 40 year old man can still have kids as easily as a 20 year old man.

So while you are feeling like you want to be married by the time you're 33, he is feeling like "I just want to enjoy being young together".

My 30 year old SO has less of a desire than 26 year old me to settle down and marry because the same amount of pressure is not there.

 

[bebe0912]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies! It's nice to hear different opinions.

To address an issue some of you have made about being 33 when I'm married, I am now totally okay with that. My bigger concern would be staying in a relationship that he had no intention of turning to marriage and then finding myself "starting all over again" in a few years. But I also know there is nothing I can do about that right now except trust that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. in all honestly we could get married tomorrow and if it wasn't right, I would still find myself in that same place down the line, only much worse. Since I committed myself a few weeks ago (as many of you have also suggested) to laying off the talk and really just focusing on the relationship and how much happiness that brings to my life, it all seems a lot less serious! I can't control the future, I can only control how I behave each day, and I choose to be grateful, positive, and content with what I have. (I may need a reality check in a few months so I should probably save this! )

Monarch - I can definitely say YES to each of those questions which does make me a very lucky lady!!! (Uhm, I mean YES to the good ones and NO to the "will it kill" me's!!! And to answer your other question, he definitely does spend time with his friends and have his own interests. That was one thing that was definitely missing during our "rough patch" and I really had to encourage him to take time to do the things he enjoyed doing. He was always afraid I would be angry or upset if he did things with his friends or made plans without me, even though I had never given him ANY indication that would be true. Must have been expectations he brought into the relationship because I've always thought it is crucial for each of us to maintain and develop the things we love to do. Neither of us see our friends probably as often as we would like to as all of my best friends live in San Diego and my closest friends here live about an hour away. His friends all live at least an hour away. We still definitely make it a priority to see our friends when we can though!

Thanks again! I think hearing this feedback was just enough to allow me to give myself permission to let go and just trust everything will work out okay, one way or the other!

 

[gemma.in.waiting]

I don't think anyone at any age would like to be in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, thinking that eventually it might end leaving you with nothing more than wasted time. Just keep doing what feels right for you two. It has been a struggle everyday not to inundate my SO with marriage talk, but I love him so much that I must trust that it will happen when its supposed to!

 

[monarch64]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies! It's nice to hear different opinions.

To address an issue some of you have made about being 33 when I'm married, I am now totally okay with that. My bigger concern would be staying in a relationship that he had no intention of turning to marriage and then finding myself "starting all over again" in a few years. But I also know there is nothing I can do about that right now except trust that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. in all honestly we could get married tomorrow and if it wasn't right, I would still find myself in that same place down the line, only much worse. Since I committed myself a few weeks ago (as many of you have also suggested) to laying off the talk and really just focusing on the relationship and how much happiness that brings to my life, it all seems a lot less serious! I can't control the future, I can only control how I behave each day, and I choose to be grateful, positive, and content with what I have. (I may need a reality check in a few months so I should probably save this! )

Monarch - I can definitely say YES to each of those questions which does make me a very lucky lady!!! (Uhm, I mean YES to the good ones and NO to the "will it kill" me's!!! And to answer your other question, he definitely does spend time with his friends and have his own interests. That was one thing that was definitely missing during our "rough patch" and I really had to encourage him to take time to do the things he enjoyed doing. He was always afraid I would be angry or upset if he did things with his friends or made plans without me, even though I had never given him ANY indication that would be true. Must have been expectations he brought into the relationship because I've always thought it is crucial for each of us to maintain and develop the things we love to do. Neither of us see our friends probably as often as we would like to as all of my best friends live in San Diego and my closest friends here live about an hour away. His friends all live at least an hour away. We still definitely make it a priority to see our friends when we can though!

Thanks again! I think hearing this feedback was just enough to allow me to give myself permission to let go and just trust everything will work out okay, one way or the other!

Good! (Second paragraph reaction on my part here)...I really do think you guys are on the right path. It's possible that he was in a relationship previously where he was hounded or goaded into thinking he had to maintain a certain lifestyle to make an ex happy, and maybe that's where some of his fears are coming from...I guess patience on your part and positive reinforcement might help. Keep encouraging him to see friends, family, etc. outside of what you typically do as a couple and I'm sure that his anxieties will go away over time.

This is a great, and I think, really healthy thread. More so than some of the ones we've seen here in LIW that turn negative. Bebe, I think you have a very healthy outlook on your relationship and I think you and your SO definitely stand a chance. I look forward to hearing about your progress, or your future engagement and subsequent marriage!

ETA: and good points all around...everyone here has really valid and interesting points. Again, I really like this thread!!!

 

[bebe0912]

So tonight I went out to walk the dog and when I got back, SO came downstairs and said he wanted to talk to me for a minute. My heart instantly dropped and I was like, "oh crap." (He never "wants to talk" in any serious manner.) Then he got a little teary and said he is so sorry that my instant response is that something is wrong since he never tells me what he wanted to talk about. He then told me how much he loves and appreciates me and thanked me for my patience and understanding. Then he was mushy and gushy and sweet!! We were both crying. You'd think he had proposed the way we were carrying on! But it was a phenomenal moment and I just had to share!!

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

Aww, that's so sweet! It really sounds like you have a great relationship. Keep enjoying every minute of it.

**Dust** for a proposal in the near future