Worried about mean people at wedding?

[nclrgirl]

Is anyone else out there worried about mean people at your wedding? Some of my FH''s "friends" are really cruel to me when he''s not around, and the thought of them being at the wedding actually has me dreading the date.

I just don''t want anything negative on our day. FH knows how they''ve behaved in the past. I don''t want to ask him not to invite people that he wants there. It doesn''t seem like a fair thing for me to do. How can I take back the excitement and joy about our wedding day without hurting FH?

 

[swingirl]

Your FH shouldn''t make you put up with his friend''s bad behavior on your wedding day. If he''s aware of their treatment of you he should have talked to them long ago, dropped them as friends or not invite them. His job it to protect his wife, not throw her to the wolves. I wouldn''t worry about hurting your FH, I would worry about his treatment of you.

 

[mimzy]

i agree with swingirl.

also, if the day rolls around and they are invited and you are still concerned, make sure they are seated far far from your table and just make sure that you surround yourself with your friends and family, which should be easy to do

. take as little time as possible with them in the receiving line or when you are going around to each table, or request that your FI takes on that table alone if you are really that uncomfortable with them.

a person would have to have A LOT of nerve to actively seek out a bride on her wedding day in front of a ton of people to be mean to her. if the presence of your FI was enough for them to be civil to your face in the past, then i imagine that they wouldn't have guts to do it when not only he, but also a ton of other people, are around.

yeah. just sit them in the back and don't give them another thought. you'll be so engrossed in the whole day that they won't even be a blimp on your radar. you're getting married! who cares about them

 

[neatfreak]

Can I just ask what seems like a basic question here? WHY would your FI want people who have been cruel to you, especially behind your back, at your wedding???

 

[nclrgirl]

Swingirl, THANK YOU for sticking up for me (getting tired of doing it for myself all of the time, even though I''m able to...)

I agree with you that he should stick up for me. He''s been trying... As he is a naturally run-from-confrontation kind of person, I know how hard it has been for him to talk to his friends about this (he has). However, me being a meet-things-head-on kinda'' girl, I can see that they''re not respecting him as real friends should. They say what he wants to hear to his face and say cruel and insulting things me when he''s looking the other way (they''re upset that I''m "taking their wingman"). These guys are in their mid to late 20s. You''d think they''d grow up.

I just don''t want FH to get hurt.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Wow! That''s really horrible of his friends. The fact that they are so mean to you that you are starting to dread your big day because of them really makes me angry. I just can not understand why people feel the need to be so heartless.

I would tell your FI how you are feeling about having these people at the wedding. See if maybe he can talk a little sense into them. I would just be honest with your FI telling him why you have involved these people and tell him that while you understand his need to have his guests too, you don''t want anyone to mar your special day. Hopefully your FI will stand up for you and keep distance between you and these awful people on your day.

 

[nclrgirl]

He''s always been shy and his family moved around a lot elementary through high school so he didn''t have a whole lot of friends. These are guys he''s met at work over the last several years and they have a little clique thing going on (only hang out with "the group"). I think he just finally felt a part of something and is having a hard time letting it go. He doesn''t always have the confidence in himself that he should.

I try to be sensitive to all of these things, but I have feelings too...

 

[brooklyngirl]

ITA with swingirl. If I were you I would have a conversation with FI and state firmly that you do not want people at your wedding who don''t wish you well, and treat you poorly. I would expect that your FI puts you above anyone else, and stand up for you no matter what the situation. As your husband, that is his job.

I must say that the whole thing about your FI''s friends treating you poorly when he is not around is patently odd. Even stranger is that your FI didn''t do anything about this when you told him about it. Did you tell him the whole story? I feel like there is something missing here.

P.S. Do not mean to offend you in any way.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Wow, welcome to my FI''s friend drama thread!

Yeah, I am also a bit worried about this, but the best thing is to talk to your FI and he needs to understand. I agree sitting them far far away would be good if they''re invited at all.

 

[nclrgirl]

Brooklyn, I''m not offended at all. I''m asking for advice, whether it''s what I want to hear or not! I really appreciate your input! You''re right. There is some information missing (was trying to "streamline" my post!)

To fill in the blanks: When FH and I started dating, he invited me to all weekend outings when we were in town, as we lived in different cities and the other weekends he was in my town. His friends felt that I was infringing on "guy time" and taking their "wing man". They were right, but it wasn''t my intention to ruin guy time, it''s just how it was working out with the long distance relationship...and FH CHOSE to spend his weekends with me. So they started making comments like "We liked the old girlfriend better" and "He doesn''t really love you", and the list goes on... I tried to just grin and bear it for a while, but finally said something to FH. He has talked to these guys on more than one occasion, and they apologize to him and say they''ll stop but then are up to their old tricks again. FH actually doesn''t even talk to or see one of the guys who was excessively cruel.

 

[nclrgirl]

Sarah, That stinks that you''re having this problem too. I hope it turns out well for you! And thanks so much for the advice and support!

 

[LegacyGirl]

I wouldn''t invite them. In fact I know several people I''m not inviting just because they like to be snarky.

 

[FrekeChild]

I wouldn''t invite them either. Heck, I don''t even plan on inviting my brothers because they''ve been jerks on plenty of occasions...

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 4/1/2008 6:55:37 PM
Author: nclrgirl


Brooklyn, I'm not offended at all. I'm asking for advice, whether it's what I want to hear or not! I really appreciate your input! You're right. There is some information missing (was trying to 'streamline' my post!)

To fill in the blanks: When FH and I started dating, he invited me to all weekend outings when we were in town, as we lived in different cities and the other weekends he was in my town. His friends felt that I was infringing on 'guy time' and taking their 'wing man'. They were right, but it wasn't my intention to ruin guy time, it's just how it was working out with the long distance relationship...and FH CHOSE to spend his weekends with me. So they started making comments like 'We liked the old girlfriend better' and 'He doesn't really love you', and the list goes on... I tried to just grin and bear it for a while, but finally said something to FH. He has talked to these guys on more than one occasion, and they apologize to him and say they'll stop but then are up to their old tricks again. FH actually doesn't even talk to or see one of the guys who was excessively cruel.

Wow is all I can say. Your FI needs to ditch these guys ASAP, and I would forbid any of them from stepping foot onto my wedding

The nerve of some people! These guys sound like a bunch of immature losers-- oh, and if they like the old girlfriend so much they should date/marry her. If your FI really wants them at the wedding they need to *apologize* to you first.

On second thought, DO NOT under any circumstances allow these people to be part of your wedding. It's not about what they'll be able to do or if they will harrass you at your wedding (highly unlikely), but about principle. You don't need people at your wedding who wish you anything but the best.

I think it's time for your FI to find some new friends, who will act like friends. There was a poster on here a while ago who was losing sleep worrying about her FI's bachelorette party, and that his friends would encourage/make him cheat on her at the party. These guys sound like people who would make you worry anytime your guy is out with them. I'm thinking if they say such things in your presence, imagine what they say to your FI when you're *not* present.

ETA: Your FI shouldn't associate with anyone who is deliberately cruel to you. The wife is always #1, and should be defended/treated as such no matter what the situation or who is involved.

 

[nclrgirl]

Good points again Brooklyn. Thank you for your advice!

I''m just so confused that people would treat anyone like that. It makes me feel like I''m not a "likeable" person.

 

[princesss]

This sounds a lot like some issues I had with BF''s friends. I finally had to ask him, "I would drop any friend that didn''t treat you and our relationship with respect. Why would you continue to be around people that blatantly disrespect me and our relationship? Especially when, by disrespecting me, they''re disrespecting you and a choice you made and something/someone that makes you happy? How is that being a friend?" When he realized he couldn''t find an answer, he stopped hanging out with them as much, to the point where he rarely sees them anymore (for a variety of reasons, but that was a big part of it, I think).

It sounds like you need to make it clear how hurt you were by their comments and how upset you still are when thinking about it. ITA that these people should be nowhere near your wedding.

Best of luck with all of this. *hug*

 

[miraclesrule]

Mean people suck!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/1/2008 10:28:40 PM
Author: miraclesrule
Mean people suck!

I hear ya!!

 

[nclrgirl]

Thank you so much girls! You have no idea how much those supportive words mean to me.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 4/1/2008 7:36:14 PM
Author: nclrgirl
Good points again Brooklyn. Thank you for your advice!

I''m just so confused that people would treat anyone like that. It makes me feel like I''m not a ''likeable'' person.

You never know what someone is thinking when they''re making someone else feel bad on purpose. It sounds to me like these guys are jealous of either you or FI, and are showing it in a passive aggressive way -- by making you feel bad behind their friend''s back. Take pity on them, because obviously they have issues.

I wouldn''t worry about about your "likeability". It''s not important (nor possible) for everyone in the world to like you, what''s important is that you have a few who really like (love) you for the person you are, and are happy for you when you life is sweet, and support you when it isn''t (like FI) regardless of their own life situation. Unfortunately, such people are few and far between, so concentrate on relationships with those people, and forget about so called "friends" who try to make you feel bad.

To be perfectly honest, people who (claim) to like everyone, or are seemingly liked by everyone scare the bejeezus out of me

. There''s no way a person can get along with *everyone*. Just my .02.

Good luck!

 

[lotsofsparkle]

Date: 4/1/2008 7:13:57 PM
Author: LegacyGirl
I wouldn''t invite them. In fact I know several people I''m not inviting just because they like to be snarky.

I completely agree. I know you don''t want to be unfair to your FI but your wedding day should be about excitement and joy. I would just not invite them, just for peace of mind and its one less thing to worry about on your big day.

 

[diamondfan]

Why would you want them there, even if he does, when you are worried?

If you are going to marry this man, you need to let him know how you feel. No way should you have to be concerned on your wedding day about jerky people. Sometimes, in life, after marriage, friendships change. If they have been nasty to you, it needs to be addressed, not ignored. I hope he has the courage to not have them there and to be honest as to why.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/1/2008 5:30:32 PM
Author: neatfreak
Can I just ask what seems like a basic question here? WHY would your FI want people who have been cruel to you, especially behind your back, at your wedding???

Yeah. Ditto.

Would NOT be on the guest list. Don''t care WHO they are.

 

[Gemma12]

Nclr, I'm sorry this is happening to you!

I agree with those who said these guys shouldn't be invited. Your FI has chosen you over them, whether they like it or not. You're going to be his WIFE, and although friends are important, a wife trumps that. The comments you've listed are TOTALLY inappropriate in my mind.

If they confront you on it, I would just open my eyes wide and innocent like and say:

'Oh, I got the feeling you weren't happy about us getting married so I figured you didn't want to come to the wedding. We were only planning to invite people who will actually be able to celebrate with us and enjoy the day.'

PS. Is it possible that they are feeling a bit jealous that their 'wingman' is getting hitched before they are? Just a thought.

PPS. I'm sorry if this is snarky-I'm really cross about this on your behalf!

ETA: It is your wedding, I think that it is completely inappropriate that you should have to have people there who are likely to be mean or rude!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I hope everything turns out well for you, too! ((Hugs))!

 

[icekid]

Yikes. You absolutely have the right to say NO NO NO these people will not be at my wedding. It sounds like your FI needs some new friends! And he needs to know that you come absolutely first. He should not tolerate anyone who would treat you that way.

Is it possible that your FI might be able to start hanging out w/ your friends more, and maybe make friends w/ your group?