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Working Moms - Advice on going back to work

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NovemberBride

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My DD is 9 weeks old and I will have to return to work full time in 3 weeks. DD will be attending daycare full time when I return. I spent a lot of time researching daycares and selected one while i was still pregnant. Today DH and I went to do a walk through, complete paperwork, etc. We did not even leave DD there and I started crying when we left. I have felt sick to my stomach the rest of the day. Staying home is financially not an option for me right now, nor do I think I want to stay home in the long run (although having a year to stay home like in most other countries would be ideal).

I am looking for advice from other moms who have BTDT for how you dealt with the transition back to work and leaving your baby at daycare. I am not looking for advice on how I could stay home, cut expenses, etc. nor do I want this thread to turn into a debate on stay-at-home vs. working moms (there have been plenty of those recently.)
 

Hudson_Hawk

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Could you transition the baby part time? So you''re at the office part time and home working with the baby part time? It''s going to be harder on you than the baby and if there''s some flexibility it might help you transition better. I''m sure it''s not going to be easy, I''m going to have to put my LO in DC too, but at 6 weeks
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NovemberBride

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Hudson,

I would love to do that, in fact, one of the reasons I initially took this job was because they told me they would be flexible with working part time or working from home a few days a week. Unfortunately, the company is in bankruptcy right now so I think that sort of changes things. I am going to eventually lose my job (we''re liquidating), but don''t want to give them any reason to lay me off sooner rather than later. I may still try to talk to my boss about it though to see if it''s an option.
 

ChinaCat

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November- I just went back to work on December 1, when my LO was about 3 months old. We have a nanny, but I think regardless of daycare/nanny, it''s a hard transition.

I''m not going to lie- the first two weeks were some of the hardest of my life and I felt seriously depressed. I wasn''t really expecting it to be that hard, so I think it''s good to know ahead of time.

For me, since we had a nanny, I had her come for a week or two beforehand, so that by the time I went back to work, my LO was used to her. But honestly, he''s at an age where he loves all strangers and he isn''t too aware of me being there or not, so it really didn''t seem to affect him that much. He LOVES our nanny and gives her the biggest smiles whenever he sees her.

It was hard because I was so exhausted, work was just overwhelming, then I had to go home to my "second job" of taking care of O. I felt guilty leaving him, I felt guilty that I was somewhat relieved to go back to work, I missed him terribly but then got home and was so tired that all I wanted was for him to go to sleep, so then I felt guility about that. It was a fun time.
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Once I got through the first few days/weeks and I got into a good routine and wasn''t as exhausted, it got so much better. Now, I honestly love being back at work. Except for missing O.

Bottom line: Expect it to be hard. Expect to cry and feel guilty. But know that your kid is FINE and probably having a great time at daycare. O is on a great routine now and it works for both of us.

One other thing I did was to give myself a break at work. I talked to my bosses and we agreed that the first month or two was a transition month and they didn''t expect me to back full steam. So I let myself come in late if I needed to, or go home early on a Friday to take a quick nap if needed.

Oh, one final thing- Seems like most babies regress a bit when mom goes back to work. O was a great sleeper but the first two weeks back he started getting up again at least 2x a night. It was killing me. But he adjusted and eventually went back to his great sleep schedule. So be prepared, but also know it probably won''t last.
 

so cal girl

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Well, I''ve only been back at work now for a couple of weeks, but I can tell you how it has been so far for me.

My situation is a little different in that my DS isn''t at daycare, but rather watched at my house by someone. Still, leaving your little one is hard. How far do you work from where the daycare center is? One of the things that makes it easier for me is that I go home at lunch a couple of times a week so that I can still see him during the day. I also called a couple of times a day. Not sure that would work with a daycare center, but I''m sure if you called a bit that first week just to check how things were going, I doubt they''d mind.

I know some people will think I''m a horrible mother, but I have kind of enjoyed being back at work. I need the adult interaction. And I seriously think it makes me enjoy my time with my son even more.

It will be harder on you than on him in the beginning. But once you realize he is okay there, it will get easier.
 

ChinaCat

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Removed post due to concern it would turn into working mom debate.
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Mara

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November, I will be in a similar situation when our son is about 6 months. I am lucky enough to have my Mom off in the summer from school to watch him from months 3-6 but after that we have to find care. I already get sad thinking about it, but from a financial perspective it just wouldn''t be feasible (at least at first).

Anyway, I work with a fair amt of working Moms and they all are pretty up front about it being difficult, esp feeling like they are missing out on seeing some of the baby''s first milestones. They''ve been able to mostly work in flexible schedules, and/or 1-2 days home a week working from home. Is this an option for you? I am hoping to do something similar--we already work from home 1 day a week but I hope to take it to 2.

Good luck ...I know it''s tough.
 

Blenheim

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I'm just going to talk about things that made going back to work easier on me. I'm not sure how many of these are feasible for you - DH was a SAHD for a couple of months there before George started in daycare, which obviously helped with some of these.

--Going back to work on Thursday, instead of Monday. Getting through two days seemed a ton more manageable than getting through five in one stretch.
--I used vacation days (plus there were some holidays in there) so that I didn't work a full five day week for a month or two, which further helped.
--DH brought George into the office for lunch at least once a week.
--Cosleeping helped me to feel like I saw him during the week.
--Daycare filled out daily activity reports and took pictures, so I could still feel connected to what he was doing during the day.
--Choosing a daycare that I felt 100% good about helped immensely as well.

And I won't lie, it was hard. I really wish that my maternity leave was longer than it was.


ETA - just saw what Mara posted - as far as milestones go, the daycare that we chose had a policy that mom and dad were the ones who got to see all of baby's "firsts". If a baby rolled over for the first time in their care, the most that they'd say to parents was that it looked like the baby was close to rolling so that we still felt like got to be the ones to experience it for the first time. It was kind of a weird policy, but it did help us keep that excitement about everything. I'm honestly not sure if George had any firsts while in daycare.
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vespergirl

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Date: 1/15/2010 5:05:35 PM
Author: Blenheim
I''m just going to talk about things that made going back to work easier on me. I''m not sure how many of these are feasible for you - DH was a SAHD for a couple of months there before George started in daycare, which obviously helped with some of these.

--Going back to work on Thursday, instead of Monday. Getting through two days seemed a ton more manageable than getting through five in one stretch.
--I used vacation days (plus there were some holidays in there) so that I didn''t work a full five day week for a month or two, which further helped.
--DH brought George into the office for lunch at least once a week.
--Cosleeping helped me to feel like I saw him during the week.
--Daycare filled out daily activity reports and took pictures, so I could still feel connected to what he was doing during the day.
--Choosing a daycare that I felt 100% good about helped immensely as well.

And I won''t lie, it was hard. I really wish that my maternity leave was longer than it was.


ETA - just saw what Mara posted - as far as milestones go, the daycare that we chose had a policy that mom and dad were the ones who got to see all of baby''s ''firsts''. If a baby rolled over for the first time in their care, the most that they''d say to parents was that it looked like the baby was close to rolling so that we still felt like got to be the ones to experience it for the first time. It was kind of a weird policy, but it did help us keep that excitement about everything. I''m honestly not sure if George had any firsts while in daycare.
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Blenheim, that''s a fantastic policy. Here''s a funny story - I missed it the first time that my son rolled over, and I was just in the next room! He was laying on his back on his Gymini mat when he was 4 months old, and I walked into the kitchen to refill my coffee. When I came back, he was on his tummy! I was like, "How did you just do that?!?!?" Then I spent the rest of the day trying to get him to do it again
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MustangGal

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I went back to work when Kyle was 8 weeks old. My first week back happened to be the week MIL is off work for spring break, and I think not having to drop him off somewhere really helped with the transition. My second week back I had to take him to the sitter (I use a SAHM that takes in a few other kids). I did do a few hour trial with her the week before.

Blen''s suggestion to go back mid-week is a good one, that was originally my plan until I had a c-section and took off longer than expected.

Make sure you can call the daycare a couple times during the day to "check-in", I did that about once a day for the first week, it probably annoyed the sitter, but it made me feel better.

Would your work be close enough that you could drop by on your lunch break for the first week or two? Or even do the first week like 6 hour days?

It gets much easier after the first 2-3 weeks, so just stick it out and get into a routine.
 

Bella_mezzo

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Blenheim-That''s kind of a cool policy. I think I might like to find a center like that when I have a bebe (still TTC right now, but live in NYC so seriously, I''ll have to start making decisions ASAP once we get pregnant--hopefully soon
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)
 

fieryred33143

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One thing to do is to get really comfortable with your daycare and the quality of care. I would suggest even leaving DD there for an hour or two once or twice a week. That way, it isn''t a major shock to you the day you leave her (or a major shock to her). I was very nervous about leaving DD with MIL because her interaction with DD when she was visiting was scary to say the least (she didn''t know how to give her a bottle
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). So I started leaving Sophia with her for an hour or two while I went to the grocery store, mall, or just rested at home. By the time I went to work, I felt really comfortable.

Also, as a 9 week old she seems really small but once she hits 3 months and you notice her personality come through a bit more it won''t feel like you''re leaving this tiny baby alone.

Know that it''s ok to cry but also know that when you do get to work, it''s ok to actually enjoy being there. My first day back they had a big breakfast for me and I felt guilty because I really enjoyed it. I got to eat with adults, chat about adult things, and I even served myself a second plate. It was great.

Other things to keep in mind if you are BFing: sometimes babies go into a reverse cycle (eat more at night, less during the day) so it''s important to tell the daycare to feed her on a schedule in the event it happens. You''re going to be exhausted (like when you first got home with the baby) but it eventually gets a lot easier.

And remember that you are doing what you need to do for your household. Keep telling yourself that. The pain goes away. You''ll have moments where you wish more than anything to be home but it''s ok.
 

Mara

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Blen that is an awesome policy...I am making a note for the future here.
 

steph72276

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I went back to work with my first son at 9 months. We had my sister in law come to our house to watch him. Although I was lucky in that I got to stay at home with him that long, in a way I think it is better to go while your daughter likely won''t even notice you''re gone b/c she will be entertained by people. I still remember that first day back...my son was crying for me at the door, and I was crying in my car on the phone with my husband asking "why did I decide to go back to work?" But I called about 30 minutes later and she said he cried for maybe 2 minutes after I left, then they started playing and he was totally fine! Just know it will be hard, but you can do it. It will become routine for the both of you. I also had my sister in law come over for a few hours a few times beforehand to get him used to being left with her. Is there anyway you could pay for a few hours during the week where you drop her off and go to the grocery store or go shopping, just so you both can get used to things? I also like the idea of trying to start on a Wed or Thurs that first week back and maybe try to get DH to take day off too? Also, what about letting your husband drop her off that first day so you won''t have to be emotional and then go into the office?

Just know it will all work out. I actually enjoyed going back (which I also felt slightly guilty about). But it was nice to have adult interaction again and also was nice to bring home a paycheck again. Good luck!
 

curlygirl

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I went back to work when my first was 12 weeks old and I thought it would be absolutely devastating but it wasn't! Our place actually let me have a transition week, so the week before I went back, I kind of used them as a babysitter for a few hours each day. I got a mani/pedi one day, hair done one day, etc. I didn't leave her there all day but just a few hours to get used the whole idea and to have some time to get my act together before going back to work. On those days, I also hung out and spent some time with her so I could see what they do and also get to know the teachers a little bit. It definitely made it much easier when I had to drop her off full time.

Like Blenheim, our daycare also gives a daily report of what they do, when they pee, poop, nap, etc. and they took tons of pictures. And they have the same policy about not revealing "firsts". Maybe that's why I never felt like I was missing out on something. If I didn't know something had happened and it was the first time I saw it, it would be considered a first.

It's not easy at first but it will definitely get easier, especially if you are in a good place where you like and trust the people who are taking care of your child. Just remember that you are going back to work to give your child the best life you possibly can. I know I say this a lot but it's my mantra to myself too!
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cdt1101

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I went back to work when my DS was 6 months. I can remember the night before I cried and cried and honestly didn''t know how I was going to drop him off in the morning. So, I know how your feel. A couple of things I did to make it easier were:

I enrolled him part-time 2 weeks before I went back to work, that way I dropped him off for only a few hours a day to help us both transition. I''m not sure if that''s feasible for you, but I think it really helped.

I also spoke to my boss before I came back about leaving a little early each day the 1st week, that helped me a lot because I wasn''t sure what our nightly routine would be, so having an extra hour in the evening helped me figure it out.

That''s really all I did, but both things helped a lot. And I also felt 100% comfortable w/ the daycare we chose. Also, most (if not all) daycares will let you call 10 times a day if that''s what you need to feel better.

Our daycare also does not reveal any firsts at all and also gives the little baby grams at the end of each day. I look forward to them now when I pick him up
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One last thing...keep an open mind. Once I went back to work I was surprisingly OK (no tears other than when I dropped him off), and I think it''s because I made a real effort to NOT look at daycare as a bad thing. I focused on the good. I think it makes for a happier baby (and mommy) if you just remain positive about it and TRUST that your child will be fine and often times thrive!
 

DivaDiamond007

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I went back to work when DS was 6 months old and it was a very hard thing to do. Like you, I don''t have the option of staying home so I knew going into it that we''d have to make childcare arrangements.

My MIL is a nurse and doesn''t work every day so she watches DS on her days off and DH''s aunt recently retired so she takes DS once a week and then we have an in-home daycare provider that has DS otherwise. I love our daycare provider! She is a mom herself and is wonderful with children. She also sends home a report for each day that DS is there and also does not tell if DS reaches any milestones while in her care so we don''t feel like we''re missing out on anything. Like most daycare providers, she has an open-door policy, meaning that we can drop in at any time (unannounced) while DS is in her care to check on him if we feel the need.

It was hard at first going back to work because I missed having my little guy with me all the time, but I love my job and I need to work - not only out of financial necessity but for my sanity
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NovemberBride

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Thank you all so much for your responses. I am going back on a Thursday, so I''ll only have 2 days that week, so that makes me feel a lot better (babysteps). I think I will also take DD to the daycare for a few hours a couple of days before I go back so that we can both get used to it. That way I can also bring in all of her sheets, diapers, etc.

I totally agree about having to love the daycare providers. Today I felt like I hated them, until DH reminded me how much research I did and how many centers i visited before selecting this one. Then I realized I didn''t really like anyone that would get to spend all day with my DD.

I really like the idea of not telling parents about milestones and I am going to bring that up with them since they do provide the dialy log sheets. I would rather be blissfully unaware and think that the first time she sits up or rolls over for me is the first time she does it.

I know that the first few weeks will be rough and that it will get easier. I actually love my job (I''m an attorney) and have always liked going to work. I know once i get back into the swing of things I''ll be glad to be back, but I know I''ll miss DD as well. Since I know this job will be coming to an end in 2010 due to the bankruptcy, I am definitely going to try to get a job that allows me to work from home a day or two if possible.
 

janinegirly

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hi november,

You've gotten some great advice already. I guess the key is to focus on the big picture--you've already done all your research and it all makes complete sense, so now it's really the emotional aspect. Like Curly said you're doing this to give your child the best possible future! And you'll have more options this way down the road too should you want to find a new job at a company with more work-life balance or if you choose to take a year off etc. Going back now allows those to be very real options! That's what keeps me going at least.

A realization I had to come to though, is that companies which claim to be work/life focused (ie open to working from home) can change their minds v. quickly due to the market so it's always best to assume a full time scenario while working towards something more ideal (days from home,etc). I had to fight like hell to get 1 day home, and am trying again for 2. There's so much red tape and b.s. but I keep fighting and reminding myself that each week I make it is another paycheck in the bank for that time I decide to do things differently! So maintaining focus on the long term goals coupled with selecting the best childcare possible (which sounds like you've done) are my *general* suggestions. I didn't use daycare so the other ladies will have much better specifics on that. Hugs and know you have lots of support here and people who can relate!!

ETA: Re-reading what I wrote it sounds like I hate my job--I don't, I enjoy it and it provides that much needed balance and outlet on a personal level. I just would really love a little less time in the office and a little more time with my baby girl at home knowing that I'm still fully capable of getting "it" all done. Those wasted hours on the train getting to work or downtime surfing the net at work is what really frustrates me. Sorry to inject my own situation, just wanted to provide some context.
 

taovandel

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we are leaving E with a family member of a close friend....I was going to ask her to not reveal any firsts so that I thought it was happening on my watch....I got some weird looks from my husband...glad to hear I''m not weird for wanting that.
 

D&T

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it''ll get better once they get older, I cried soooo hard the first day I dropped my seven week old off. One thing I would suggest is possibly go back midweek so you can transition a little easier, I wished I would have done that instead of starting right on a Monday, it was the worst longest week of my life!
 
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