Wonderful & disappointing weekend...

[lovetorenovate]

My bf and I have been talking about getting married for a few months. We've been dating over a year. It's a second marriage for both of us (and we each have kids from our prior marriages) - we are both much older than the average bride/groom - we have homes, great jobs, disposable income... there's really no need for me to be a "lady in waiting". We looked at rings this summer - he bought one - it had to be sent back because the oval was East West (I have no idea why, jewel mistake).... anyway, it's been going on for ages. His proposal to his first wife was accidental - when she found the ring - and I guess proposals happen all sorts of ways - but that's not what I wanted. So I suppose I've teased him that he needs to put some effort into it (and maybe I've exaggerated how much - just joking - like ridiculous nonsensical things like jumping out of a plane with it, a sky-writer, etc). He's always said he wants it to be a surprise and his plan - no suggestions from me. But I have told him several times that I was joking, that I just want it to be something that is planned, no accidental.

Sooooo... a few weeks ago he said he was planning a weekend for us and he was taking care of all the details. I started asking questions, was quickly stopped - so naturally, I assumed this was his big surprise. He's got the ring now - he never plans weekends for us, so I really really really thought this was IT. We don't have many free weekends together (juggling kid schedules, etc) - so weekends together happen once a month, if that. So I really couldn't fathom that this WASN'T the weekend, because it is likely our only weekend alone until December. He drove us to a gorgeous bed and breakfast up in the mountains, it was really incredible. We went on a long hike to a secluded waterfall. He planned a romantic dinner at the bed and breakfast. The whole weekend was incredibly romantic, lots of quiet relaxing time together..... I kept waiting - thinking any moment he was going to propose and NOTHING.

Unfortunately, last night when we got home I couldn't take it anymore and broke down crying with how disappointed I was - that I felt like he missed his best opportunity for the next few months. Men are such clods - when we talked about it he was puzzled as to how I could have expected it then - and only after I walked through everything... he already has the ring, it's our only weekend alone for months, he planned a surprise weekend alone with all his plans - no input from me, etc... I think he finally got it. But then he was just upset because he hates when I'm disappointed in him.

I honestly just HATE this entire process. It's not fun, I find it ridiculous. Is this really how to start a lifelong partnership together... that I'm supposed to sit and WAIT for months while he comes up with an idea to blow my socks off. He tends to be very slow to make decisions... to me, it seems that he's had MONTHS to come up with his idea - and I can't fathom why he's still trying to think up something.

All that aside, the weekend was so nice - it's sad that the proposal, his need for some dramatic secret plan, my disappointment and the endless waiting has to cloud over the joy of being together...

 

[Indylady]

I'm so sorry to hear you're disappointed; I can imagine the feeling after waiting in anticipation all weekend.

I can understand hating the process--but I do think that you might have set yourself up for it. If you want a planned (on his part) surprise (for you) proposal, then, well, you have to wait until he plans a surprise. Its just the nature of the game. If you're willing to bend the rules a little, either a) propose to him or b) talk to him and tell him you want him to propose already and you're willing to forgo the conditions you set earlier. I really encourage you to enjoy and appreciate your SO for the last remaining months "dating"..chances are that he is planning a nice surprise proposal, but if you'd rather not wait, consider options a) and b). Good luck!

 

[UnluckyTwin]

I'm so sorry you're so disappointed. It is pretty insane that he didn't take the chance to do it then. And I imagine that if my partner was so upset that I didn't do something, I would do it right then and you would have had that ring on your finger about 2 seconds after you broke down.

What you said at the bottom hits the nail on the head-- why is it that such a big important process (marriage) starts by women having to wait and wait while men make a bunch of decisions? I've heard so many stories since joining LIW about how the guy has the ring and the moment was perfect and WHAT IS HE WAITING FOR?! To me, it creates a big power dynamic to have the man decide when the engagement will come (except of course if he's waiting for financial reasons, but if he already has the ring...) while the woman has to be passive. You and your SO both know you're getting married. He has the ring. I know it must be so frustrating to have to wait for it before telling family, starting to make plans, etc. I wish we lived in a different world, one in which men and women made the decision together and didn't have to wait for a diamond ring to get started.

 

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you're so disappointed. It is pretty insane that he didn't take the chance to do it then. And I imagine that if my partner was so upset that I didn't do something, I would do it right then and you would have had that ring on your finger about 2 seconds after you broke down.

What you said at the bottom hits the nail on the head-- why is it that such a big important process (marriage) starts by women having to wait and wait while men make a bunch of decisions? I've heard so many stories since joining LIW about how the guy has the ring and the moment was perfect and WHAT IS HE WAITING FOR?! To me, it creates a big power dynamic to have the man decide when the engagement will come (except of course if he's waiting for financial reasons, but if he already has the ring...) while the woman has to be passive. You and your SO both know you're getting married. He has the ring. I know it must be so frustrating to have to wait for it before telling family, starting to make plans, etc. I wish we lived in a different world, one in which men and women made the decision together and didn't have to wait for a diamond ring to get started.

I wanted to write about the highlighted part because I think we do live in world where men and women can make the decision together, and don't have to wait for a diamond ring to get started. It's just a tradition that seems to be hard to let go of because it's one of the few traditional (albeit sometimes infuriating at times) big romantic events in our lives.

The OP has a choice. Recently being in similar shoes, I hope that I don't offend anyone...but when you get to the point where waiting and the big anticipated secret plan is driving you insane, causing relationship problems, it's time to sit down and talk. Some people aren't cut out to be completely in the dark, and I am one of them. My FI and I made most of the ring purchase decision together, saved for it together (mostly his, but I helped w/other things). Once it got closer, I had a meltdown similar to yours (though it was before the trip that would have been perfect, he said flat out it wouldn't be then and there wasn't really a good reason for waiting at that point). So we sat down, had a talk and figured out a compromise. He gave me the month that it would happen in, and nothing else. That was enough to keep me from going crazy. A lot of women have similar compromises to share a bit of the "power" in the situation without killing the element of surprise. I haven't heard a single one of them say they regret that, and all of them have said it's helped calm their nerves.

I hope your proposal comes soon, and that you can have a chat with him (if you haven't already) that will result in you still having a surprise, but also having a kernel of info to tide you over in the meantime.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

I'm so sorry you're so disappointed. It is pretty insane that he didn't take the chance to do it then. And I imagine that if my partner was so upset that I didn't do something, I would do it right then and you would have had that ring on your finger about 2 seconds after you broke down.

What you said at the bottom hits the nail on the head-- why is it that such a big important process (marriage) starts by women having to wait and wait while men make a bunch of decisions? I've heard so many stories since joining LIW about how the guy has the ring and the moment was perfect and WHAT IS HE WAITING FOR?! To me, it creates a big power dynamic to have the man decide when the engagement will come (except of course if he's waiting for financial reasons, but if he already has the ring...) while the woman has to be passive. You and your SO both know you're getting married. He has the ring. I know it must be so frustrating to have to wait for it before telling family, starting to make plans, etc. I wish we lived in a different world, one in which men and women made the decision together and didn't have to wait for a diamond ring to get started.

I wanted to write about the highlighted part because I think we do live in world where men and women can make the decision together, and don't have to wait for a diamond ring to get started. It's just a tradition that seems to be hard to let go of because it's one of the few traditional (albeit sometimes infuriating at times) big romantic events in our lives.

I actually read an article from a sociology journal about this a few days ago-- the researchers found that while some "traditional" elements no longer mean what they used to (e.g., the man asking "permission" from the father of the bride is not really asking permission, he is asking for a blessing), couples still enact them because they believe that the proposal is a performance that others will judge to determine how strong a couple's relationship is. So, even though for most women the proposal isn't really a "surprise" (nor is it even a "proposal" since no new question is being asked), both the man and the woman leave it up to the man to plan a surprise in which he asks her to marry him with a ring because it's a performance that will be evaluated by other people. The researchers found that when women asked men to marry them, it was often treated as a joke and the couple wouldn't really consider themselves engaged until the man proposed, nor would their friends and families take them seriously if the woman proposed or if there was no proposal at all and they just started planning a wedding without a ring. Also, if any elements of the proposal were nontraditional (the woman asked the man, there was no ring, etc.), people evaluated the couple as having a weak relationship.

All that is to say, we want people to take our relationships seriously and we want them to think our relationships are strong and appropriate for marriage, so that's why we still wait on men to propose with rings. So you're right, the performance is hard to let go of. But if we ALL agreed to drop the act, then other people wouldn't be able to use it as a criteria (not that their opinions should matter anyway, but of course things go more smoothly when everyone gets along).

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Honestly though, we measure "other peoples" relationships as weak, we probably measure our own relastionships by the same standard, we want to feel we are taking our own relationship seriously, and (and this is a generalisation) will probably feel like our relationship is weak on some level if we/he does it "wrong". I know I would feel some level of repect was missing from my relationship, whether that is right or wrong I would still feel that way. I also honestly feel that the girl asking the boy is emasulating to him.

Also I think some traditions are nice to uphold and the boy asking the girl is a nice one, it gets to me when I see sociaety dropping nice traditions left, right and centre.

 

[FuturePsyD]

Honestly, how frustrating!!! I mean did he have any good reasons to give as to why he didn't take that opportunity to propose or did he just shut down because you were so disappointed?

My ff is still in the process of saving for my ring, but once I have a good idea that the ring is finally in his possession and he continues to drag his feet for NO apparent reason, I'm gonna have a few choice words for him. I don't take well to the power trip aspect of the man making all these decisions in regards to proposing when these decisions affect MY life just as much as his.

I really hope that your ff is in the process of planning something and that you get your special, surprise proposal in no time. Perhaps he really wanted to do something around the holidays! Holiday proposals can be quiet lovely!!!

 

[lovetorenovate]

Thanks everyone. Feels better to vent about it. Sooo... the reset of the diamond (from east-west to north-south) took longer than expected because he's really slow to make decisions. When I saw it back in early September and told him that it did need to be sent back (he wanted to be sure I saw it in case he needed to send it back, which he thought it did because he hadn't expected E-W either -so he showed me the ring), he took about quite a few days to mail it back (busy at work? slow? I don't know) - then we had also discussed switching the setting to one with stones on the band. I guess he agonized over that for a week or more - but last I heard he had made that decision by Sept 20 - but it could have taken him longer - because he just doesn't seem to be in any rush....

So, bottom line, the ring just shipped back to him the day before we left to the mountains. He said he didn't think he'd have it in time so he didn't even consider proposing on that trip. And he said he'd never consider planning a proposal for a place he's never been.

I find it all crazy - because I would have put pressure on the vendor to do it quickly since they had made an error - and I would have told them I had a proposal planned and needed the ring asap. And I guess I'm different about planning, I would have brought the ring and found an ideal opportunity to propose - but that's just me.

I know he'll want to propose before his 30 day return period is up with the vendor this time too - so that's why I was so sure it would be soon. The trouble now is that we don't have much time alone in the next 25 days anyway - just a handful of weeknights when our kids are with our exes.

So last night we watched the season finale of Mad Men... have you seen it? There's a proposal scene in there. I joked with him that it was super expensive for me to convince the producers to incorporate that into the story. I think he feels horrible that I'm disappointed. But I'm still disappointed so I feel horrible too. I guess I just need to do my best to forget it and focus on all the great things about him, our relationship, our life together.... which really is the whole point. I'm sure he'll come up with something very nice within the next few weeks.

 

[Pushin40]

AWW! Just relax and try not to be disappointed!

You are at the final countdown! Leave him alone, don't talk about it, don't pressure him, let him do it....he will do it! He obvioulsy wants to make this special for you...let him do that. You can't take away what you've already said and any expectations you may have directly or indirectly set....it is what it is.

He has the ring!!!!!! That is 99.9 percent of the battle!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Lovetorenovate, I'm going to probably give you some really unpopular advice, but IMO, from this point forward, you're really going to have to stop the "jokes" about other proposals (that you see on TV, for example) and your own upcoming proposal. You're putting so much undue pressure on your SO that he has to live up to, that your constant prodding isn't helping you both get there any sooner.

Men don't want to feel like they've let you down, but in their minds, the more you talk about getting engaged, the farther away the "surprise proposal" needs to be, as if you'll just forget about it in the interim. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the fastest way to a proposal where you've set the bar so high is to just close your mouth and not utter another word about it.

I've worked with lots of men (we're talking into the dozens here, perhaps almost 100), helping them with engagement ring shopping and casually talking about plans for proposal. The only constant I've found is that men who want the proposal to be a surprise will take months to plan the perfect proposal, and they will derail those plans if he thinks for a second that the surprise is going to be ruined.

As many men will tell you, though; if a man wants to be engaged, he will do it, regardless of the road blocks in the way.

You have the ring in the house, so (I know, easier said than done) please try to enjoy this time as a pre-engaged couple - you won't ever have this special time back. Best of luck to you!

 

[StonieGrl]

This will also be an unpopular sentiment, but you're both adults, so he knew you'd probably be expecting a proposal; after all, the ring had been purchased and getting married was a done deal per the two of you and a romantic weekend trip was planned and taken. My point is, is that if there was to be NO proposal that weekend the humane thing to do on his part would have been to preface the trip by saying, "I have no plans to propose this weekend, lets just enjoy the time together, I love you, etc etc."

This would have helped you manage your expectations and everyone would have been off the hook. Yes, it might have started a conversation that possibly you should be having: The ring is bought, what is holding you back from proposing?

But that might be a worthwhile conversation right about now.

What kind of man/woman dangles a ring or a proposal over their beloved's head? Its unkind and its tacky. That OR someone who is having second thoughs.

He'll be lucky if your response when you finally get that proposal is: "I'll think about that!"