Women proposing to men... stories?

[aaftabj]

So, traditionally a man proposes to a woman. But sometimes, rarely, women propose.
I would imagine that this is hard, given ingrained customs and traditions. But times change, and women forge new paths constantly.
I''d like to hear any stories of women proposing to men, and also, how they handled the whole ring part.
Did you postpone that, did you buy your own ring... did you get him a ring? Even the most uneventful proposal would still present interesting difficulties.
Perhaps even hearing from women who were tempted to propose?
Thanks,
Aaftab

P.S. for the record, I am a guy.

 

[SoonIHope]

BAH! You deleted the one I responded to!

Copying it over here....



I wasn''t too tempted to, but I did casually bring up the idea to my boyfriend once and was surprised by his reaction. He (& I''ve heard this from other guys since) said that he would be offended because it is traditionally the man''s role and he has just always expected that he would do it, and that having me do it would be stealing away his one chance at proposing, and also saying that I didn''t think he was capable of doing it right. I hadn''t ever really thought about it from that side before, but that conversation stopped me from ever even considering it at all! My fiance and I had already discussed the fact that we intended to marry each other in great detail, so who did the official asking wasn''t as important to me as it being a memorable and romantic moment, but he really felt he should be the one to get to do it.

Why do you ask? Do you think your girlfriend might propose to you?? How do you feel about it?

 

[aaftabj]

Honestly, I am making a mess on this forum. I will be more careful in the future.

I ask out of curiosity... but also because women have a very high expectation of proposals and the setting, etc. I wanted to know that, in the rare case that a woman made the proposal, what did she do to make it special?

I am planning on doing the proposal, and don''t expect one from my girlfriend. Trying hard to make it special too, but at the same time, not completely blindside her.

aaftabj

 

[midgirl]

Because it is traditional for a man ro propose, I bet there won''t be many people responding to this post!

I brought it up to my bf and he said NO NO NO WAY Absolutely not. I ended it there

 

[sk8rjen]

Well, OK< I''ll bite I actually made the mistake of proposing to my ex-husband. The mistake was in the marrying, not the proposing! Well, in all seriousness, we were young, had been together less than a year but had just moved in together, and really the idea of marriage just hadn''t crossed my mind yet. Then it just hit me hard out of nowhere -- a close friend got engaged -- and I was thinking "why not?" we''d already talked about the future, we both were in it for the long haul and I knew that, so I acted on impulse.

It was Valentine''s Day and I set up a treasure hunt through our new place, one that led him to his actual Valentine''s Day gift. But inside that I put a note to lead him to one more spot, which was a letter I wrote out telling him how I felt, etc (traditional proposal speech, only in writing) and then ended it by asking him to be my husband.

The whole thing went over pretty well until the actual proposal -- he had a great time with the treasure hunt -- and even though he of course said yes, he seemed deflated, almost disappointed. I don''t think I realized until many years later what it would have meant to him to propose. I actually thought I did him a favor at the time, sort of taking the pressure off.

For me it was just an act of love, not impatience (we''d been together 8 months is all), but I really regret it in hindsight b/c I would have LOVEd him to propose to me, and I found out later how much he would have loved that too.

Oh, and I got some of the weirdest and even rudest facial expressions and comments when telling people (people I knew well and loved) how the proposal went. Definitely a lot of "why didn''t *he* do it??" remarks.

So anyway, hope this helps.
jen

 

[sk8rjen]

Oh I forgot to add that he and I talked about the ring thing right away and I wanted to get him a ring --something he liked but not necessarily wedding-bandish, but he didn''t like that idea so we went and picked out an inexpensive solitaire for me (at JC Penney of all places--cringe away!). When we got married then, he surprised me with a really great wedding band.

 

[ms.codex]

I''m not sure if this thread still has readers, and I''m new to this site, but I thought I''d respond because I''m a woman who proposed-- sort of.

It has always sort of baffled me that marriage proposals are such theatrical events. For people who have already discussed marriage, or have taken obvious steps such as shopping for rings, it requires a kind of role-playing doublethink, don''t you think? My boyfriend and I had only been together for 4 (very intense and ecstatic) months when the idea slowing began to form in my mind, that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wasn''t sure if he felt the same way, and I was very nervous about broaching the subject, probably in the same way that people who are about to propose are nervous. I realized that I wanted to bring it up, and that it essentially amounted to a marriage proposal ("so whaddya think about us marrying someday?")-- so I decided to phrase it formally as a marriage proposal. I thought about how and when and where for two months, trying to pluck up the courage all the while. Finally I wrote him a long, mushy letter about how much I valued him and our relationship and ended it with the line, "Will you marry me?" I had considered whether or not to throw in a nod to traditional proposals-- by including a whimsical pipe-cleaner ring, or a ring-pop, in the envelope-- but decided against it. I stuck the letter under his dorm room door in the middle of the night (this was at the end of college). When I saw him next (after a very sleepless night), he said very tenderly, "of course I want to marry you," and put his arms around me and kissed me.

I guess I didn''t worry, like some women might, that I was "stealing his thunder" because it''s just entirely not in his personality to pay attention to issues of leadership. Also, it was a very genuine question-- I knew I wanted to marry him (or spend my life with him, or whatever you call it), and I was anxious to ask whether he desired the same level of permanence.

Well, he said "yes" and here we are--wow--three years later, still madly in love.

 

[aaftabj]

Now that''s a lovely story. While I conformed to norms and proposed to my GF in a romantic setting, I would have been touched and honored if she had proposed to me. I wouldn''t have thought of it as stealing my thunder. And I did feel that it was wierd to kinda-sorta go to jewellery stores and look at rings... and I think it is VERY wierd for one person to have to say to the other, I want you to make the proposal ''special.'' To my mind, that''s asked and answered, and not really romantic, just someone deciding... it needs to be ''romantic'' and I need to tell people about my ''romantic story.''

I had to get her opinion because I know that she would be particular about the setting, but in hind sight, I should have proposed to her first, with a token ring.

Again, loved your story, and that the two of you are so in accord.

aaftabj

 

[ms.codex]

Thanks, aaftabj.

I agree with you on all fronts. To me, the weirdness of "planned" proposals is that they require so much pretending-- feigned surprise on the woman''s part, and feigned spontaneity on the part of the man (c''mon, she picked out the ring, you think she''s going to say no?). This is not to say the proposal can''t be entirely heartfelt, and actually, most of the difficulty seems to surround the logistics of buying an appropriate ring in advance. I really like your idea of proposing with a token ring first (maybe along with some preliminary research into engagment rings, like lists of local jewelers), and then making the other ring purchase a shared event.

I know what you mean, that you would have been touched and honored if your girlfriend had proposed to you. I''m surprised we don''t hear this from men more often. It''s an incredibly generous and romantic gesture when someone asks to be a part of your life forever-- no matter who''s doing the asking. After I "proposed" my boyfriend and I proposed to each other again many, many times by asking out of the blue, "Will you marry me?" It''s even better than "I love you" in terms of romance-junkie material. I swear, it sends chills down your spine.

I''m also surprised that a lot of women are committed to the twin ideas of the formal proposal and of men doing the proposing. Why do you think this is? Is it just a fantasy present in all our movies and fairy tales? I guess this question is for women too-- what''s at stake, i.e., why is this tradition important?

 

[Blenheim]

Ms. Codex, your story is lovely.

I agree about the weirdness of planned proposals, yet I am (hopefully) going to have one within a couple of months. We''ve discussed it in depth, looked at rings together, etc. The planned proposal is not an idea that I''m entirely committed to, for reasons that you mentioned. However, it is incredibly important to my boyfriend. Since I don''t feel that strongly one way or the other, I''d rather just honor his wishes and have him propose to me. It also helps that I know that it will be coming soon.

I''m pretty sure that he''s told me why it''s important to him, but I can''t remember exactly. I''m sure that part of it is tradition. His father proposed to his mother. His grandfathers proposed to his grandmothers. Men propose to women on TV and in movies. All of his engaged male friends proposed to their fiancees. It seems like society sets up expectations of men proposing, and although we''re not sure entirely why, most people go along with it. I wonder if some men kind of dream about proposing in the same way that some women dream about planning their wedding.


Another thought: it seems like women are often ready to marry before men are. There are some LIWs here who have been waiting for an engagement for years even, and their boyfriends have yet to be ready. While this isn''t always true, it would make some sense for the person ready later in the relationship to propose. Then each person has time to fully think through the commitment that they are going to make on their own time, rather than feeling pressured to give the person who asked a response immediately. (Admittedly, though, you shouldn''t say yes if you''re not ready. And this is just making generalizations about the sexes, which is often not all too accurate)

 

[rainbowtrout]

I actually always wanted to be the one who proposed, I thought it would be sweet and fun...I mean, there is a reason men enjoy it, and I *hate* wedding planning type stuff. i even had little fantasies about how I would do it, what kind of ring I would get...

But...he is dead set on it. And when he gets dead set on something there is no dragging his heels out of the mud. I''ve gotten a bit on board with the whole idea, mostly because it makes him so happy. Men get a bit hung up on the whole surprise aspect. Another thread expressed it best "Me caveman--you wife"--literally wonking your girl on the head with surprise isn''t the point, damnit. Surprises are for the person *giving* them, not the one getting.

 

[codex57]

Date: 3/31/2006 3:23:38 AM
Author: ms.codex
I''m not sure if this thread still has readers, and I''m new to this site, but I thought I''d respond because I''m a woman who proposed-- sort of.


I guess I didn''t worry, like some women might, that I was ''stealing his thunder'' because it''s just entirely not in his personality to pay attention to issues of leadership. Also, it was a very genuine question-- I knew I wanted to marry him (or spend my life with him, or whatever you call it), and I was anxious to ask whether he desired the same level of permanence.


Well, he said ''yes'' and here we are--wow--three years later, still madly in love.

Whoah! When I saw your name, it scared the crap outta me. I thought my wife had found this site (and the secret to my success

).

 

[partgypsy]

I didn''t propose to my husband, but we didn''t do the traditional type proposal either. For both of us, the big change in our relationship was his decision to relocate with me to where I went to graduate school and live together. Marriage, maybe because my parents are divorced, didn''t seem like as big of a deal. But after 5 years being together, thought it might be nice. When he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said a ring, thinking he''d know what I meant. And he did buy me a ring, a beautiful pink tourmaline in a handmade 18k gold setting that he was very excited he picked out. I open it up, he asks me if I like it, and I love it, but I am a little puzzled and explain why. He feels our relationship is the same regardless if married or not, and I kind of agree. Fast forward to around Christmas time, we are lazing in bed and he announces "let''s get married." As we were eloping we didn''t really need an engagment ring, but heck, excuse for me to pick out a ring and we did (an emerald ring) but I didn''t wear it until right before was going to get married.
So it was just a natural progression in our relationship. I sometimes wonder if more proposals are like mine (very informal) but we only hear about the really planned elaborate ones.

 

[froufrou]

i think it makes the most sense for the couple to discuss it together. then after that it seems kind of strange to me for the man to come up with something elaborate and propose, but I would take any excuse to have the guy do something romantic !!!

 

[kschmid5]

I am actually currently planning a proposal (a totally romantic story that will have to wait until after I propose to be posted, lest he actually decided to read pricescope- I did mention PS a number of times)

He actually made a deal with me. We had gone ring shopping for several days, and it was down to 2 rings, and he was willing to get me the ring I was interested in, if I proposed. I think for him, shopping for the ring together took some of the fun out of it, and being surprised would be great. I am not a huge fan of surprises, so this was a great idea from my standpoint.

I actually had already ordered him a titanium ring with an inscription, after I cunningly figured out his ring size and style by discussing wedding rings... plus I knew he thought titanium rings were pretty cool, but maybe not the best in the long run because of the diffculty of cutting the metal in emergencies. So far, I''m planning on bringing my ring at the same time, (his dad has it so I can sneak it out) but I may leave it behind and let this be his special night. Plus, we''ll be over water, and I''m super clumsy, so I''ve considered leaving both rings behind at the hotel safe. Not sure yet.

Personally, I''ve had a few moments of doubt because part of me always wants to have that story of being proposed to, but now I have the story of what I had to go through to make sure everything ran smoothly, and we''ll have an even cooler story. I think I am going to ask him to write me a letter of why he wants to marry me though... I think I need to hear him be romantic too.

by the way- historically, women were only allowed to propose on 1 day every 4 years- Feb 29th on a leap year.

 

[anchor31]

About a year ago, the idea formed in my mind to propose to J if he hadn''t proposed by our 5th anniversary. Turns out he''ll propose this year, I''m guessing around our 3th anniversary since the ring is bought and being done.

I mentioned proposing to him once a few months ago and he said: "Wait, what? Isn''t that my job?" I think he''s been dreaming of proposing to the woman of his dream as much as I''ve been dreaming to be proposed to by the man of my dreams.

 

[sanfranciscoellen]

I proposed to my husband. And I''m proud of it! And it makes for a heck of a good story.

We were high school sweethearts, and after college, were living together. We were planning a move across the country for grad school, and it was important to me to be married--not as much to him. But we knew we were in this forever, just placed different value on the actual marriage.

So I decided...why not? Why is it that only the gal gets the honor of being wooed? And why is the guy the one to set the timing?

So I bought a plain gold band. It sat in my bedside table for several weeks, and I will FOREVER know the nerves men go through. It was a simple ring, but it meant so much. He''d take a shower, I''d go sneak a look at the ring. He''d go to work, I''d sneak a look at the ring.

One day we were hanging out thinking what to do and I suggested we go to our favorite SoCA place, the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena. We went there a lot...no big surprise. So we drove there, ring in purse and he thought I was crazy when I swatted his hand away from my purse when he was looking for chapstick.

I thought we''d go find a lovely grassy nook. HE wanted to go in the museum, because they had a great exhibit with Linoln''s possessions. I was a wreck. he wanted to read each and every single word on every singlt thing exhibited. I was like an impatient kid, tugging him along, "come on! come on!" But no, had to look at the bullet that shot lincoln. had to read every word of the letter he wrote his wife. Sigh.

So we finally went out and were walking around, and I told him I wanted to sit down. "There''s a bench..." he said, pointing to a bench in a not so SIGNIFICANT, GETTING PROPOSED, kind of place. No! I said, and dragged him on. He must have thought I was insane. We passed about five different benches that he pointed out, but on I trudged.

So we finally sit in the grass, I pull out the ring box, turn to him and say.....

And say.....

"BOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO BOO HOOOO" because I couldn''t speak because silly me started bawling.

So he is sitting there with a ring box, and me sobbing, saying nothing. So he was like, "Is this a proposal?" and I''m nodding yes and sobbing. So he said yes.

The deal made was that we were "half" engaged, until he asked me back. We were too broke to consider an engagement ring for me, but he surprised me one day by casually giving me a box that was a box in a box etc etc and in the tiny box was his great great great grandmother''s ring which his mother gave him to present to me.

And now we''ve been married eleven years!

It worked for us.

 

[kschmid5]

He said Yes! And so did I

I actually was the one who set up the weekend engagement, it was meant to be a sort-of surprise. We went ring shopping last week, and he thought it would be fun to be proposed to, and I agreed. (I hate surprises, he loves them)
So I told him it might take me the summer to plan (hee hee)
and I told him we were going to go downtown for my birthday, to a german Mayfest (beer, brats and pretzels-mmmm) and we did go, but then after heading back to the hotel we went to Belmont Harbor and went out on a 30 foot sailboat with 3 other passengers and a captain. The sailboat then went out to Navy Pier, and the captain sailed the boat around a bit, and that''s when we went up to the front of the boat (the water was much calmer inside the protected area by Navy Pier) and asked each other and broke open the champane he bought (very nice stuff). I had written out a card with all the reasons why I loved him and wanted to marry me, since I was sure that if I relied on my memory I would freeze up and forget or that I would cry the whole way through or say something idiotic. I gave him his titanium ring (it has a dark hammered finish) After I asked him, he asked me (he had figured out what was going on before we left his house, but this means I didn''t have to wait very long for my ring!)

Then we watched the Saturday night fireworks from what seemed to be only 200 yards away from the barge the fireworks were being shot off from. Very cool. The night wasn''t a total surprise though, he sort of guessed at what was going on that Thursday, and as the weekend went on, he guessed more and more. But it was lovely and romantic and fun. YAY!

Of course- we had been talking about getting married and engaged for a while now... and HE was the one who asked me to propose to him, which I thought was a great idea, but I still wanted to be asked. So if you''re considering it but not sure how your guy will react, perhaps a little more discussion might be in order. good luck ladies!

 

[Selkie]

Congratulations! I love this story! Did he give you your ring at the same time? It sounds like you both got what you wanted from the proposal(s), and will also have a unique story to tell.

 

[BloodyRoses]

I went out today ring shopping for my boyfriend. I am a little nervous, so now I know how the guys feel. I have been dropping hints to him here and there, but he hasn''t caught on just yet, which is good...lol. I have some of the details in order of how I am going to do this...I will be proposing to him in a few weeks. I would really like to see more women doing this...and love to hear their stories.

Kahlee

 

[Larissa]

We had a long distance relationship. Me in Atlanta, GA, him in London, England. We decided to get married while we were on the phone and considered ourselves engaged from that point, Aug 2004. He was coming to GA in Oct 2004 to visit me. We both looked for rings that we liked online as we both wanted to wear one. We set a budget for both rings and I decided on an antique one. About a week later he stated that he couldn't afford what we budgeted and shortly after that my beloved antique ring went offline.

I got his ring and had it engraved. He agreed that I'd get a ring at some point in the future when we found another antique one we liked and we could afford it.

I made a picture book, a mini photo album, of our relationship so far. At the bottom on each picture I wrote a little caption. I tied his ring in the last page and wrote "will you spend the rest of your life with me?" under it.

Halloween isn't celebrated the same way in England as it is in the States and he had never carved a pumpkin. So when we came to visit in Oct I took him pumpkin shopping. After we bought our pumpkins we went for a walk along the river to the library. In back of the library is a beautiful gardens that overlooks the city's main street. We sat on the steps leading up to the gazebo and I handed him the picture book. He attempted to cheat and look in the back of it first

After that we walked back along the river and had pizza and wine on my screened-in porch (which both of us had taken a liking to and spent every chance we could on it - it's huge with a swing).

After dinner I brushed my teeth, changed and got ready for bed. He was still on the porch and asked me to come sit by him. I sat down and we chatted for a couple of minutes before he opened a box and put down the antique ring in front of me. He had bought it 6 weeks earlier, right before the budget conversation, and had convinced the company to leave it up on their website for a bit longer so I didn't get suspicious about the timing of it disappearing from their website.

So we proposed on the same day, me first, him later. Most of his friends are only aware that I proposed to him...and all gape over his ring just like what usually happens to the female part of the couple.