"Why parents hate parenting"

[waterlilly]

http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

Interesting article I just read....

 

[Bliss]

Awesome! Thanks for sharing that article, waterlily! I'm sure if you ask me at 3am while the baby is screaming whether I am enjoying myself, I will probably say no. LOL... Parenting is like marriage in a lot of ways. It takes work and effort - and you don't enjoy it 100% of the time but think of the incredibly rewarding journey and meaning it brings to your life. I think a lot of why parents hate parenting in the U.S. is that people are overworked and stressed out. Women do not have the support they do in other countries - no 1-year paid maternity leave, like the article mentions. Or state subsidized child care. Insane health care costs... Of course parenting is harder in America, where many families live far away from their parents and siblings without a lot of built in support. Corporate jobs here also work people to death and burn people out, so I'd imagine adding parenting to that adds stress.

But I think, as the article so eloquently shows, people are more likely to regret the things they haven't done than the things they have. How many of us look back upon our lives and say we wouldn't change a thing? Our mistakes and challenges in life made us into who we are today. The only regret most people seem to have is "What if?" - all the things they never got to experience. Life can be really hard...and really incredibly beautiful -- so awe inspiring that it can bring you to your knees. I think parenting is like that. No one expects it to be enjoyable but ask any parent if they'd trade it for anything in the world. Maybe it's biology, maybe it's just as simple as the word Love. Isn't that why we do the crazy things we do?

 

[kenny]

Thanks, I enjoyed the article.

I'm firmly in the, "I don't want kids" camp.

 

[waterlilly]

I liked this paragraph and the discussions about how we evaluate happiness, I find that all very interesting.

“I think this boils down to a philosophical question, rather than a psychological one,” says Gilovich. “Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?” He says he has no answer for this, but the example he offers suggests a bias. He recalls watching TV with his children at three in the morning when they were sick. “I wouldn’t have said it was too fun at the time,” he says. “But now I look back on it and say, ‘Ah, remember the time we used to wake up and watch cartoons?’ ” The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight.

 

[Jennifer W]

Very interesting. I think Bliss is spot on about the external pressures on families and the contribution they make to happiness or otherwise.

Maybe my experiences are atypical, but I don't relate to the article as a parent. Our marriage is stronger, closer and happier post-baby, we probably do fewer chores (because the stuff that seemed important before we had a child doesn't really any more) and we both seem to be a lot happier and less stressed generally. We spend a lot of time just hanging out, the three of us. There's nothing more likely to make me fall in love with my husband all over again than seeing him hold my child when she's sick or upset and watch him make her giggle again.

I had 14 months maternity leave, DH had four months paternity leave, then a phased return to working 3 - 4 days a week in the first year. We had time to relax and enjoy each other and our baby. I know that was a luxury that many, many people cannot have. We share parenting, so neither or us feels put-upon or overwhelmed, which helps a lot I think. Plus, DH has a creche at his office and some very family-friendly working policies, so we don't have to fret about childcare or spending long hours away from DD.

I wonder if it depends on the child, too? Some kids are easier to look after and be around than others in my (limited) experience. We have an easy going kid with a sense of humour and a reasonably long concentration span, so it isn't difficult to hang out with her. She's good company. Don't get me wrong, the girl has her moments, but mostly she's happy and fun to be around.

Until my 30s, I was firmly in the no-kids camp. As in, never ever and I don't like them. I had no particular expectations or images of parenting being a positive or rewarding experience, and I've been very pleasantly surprised.

Overall, our lives are nicer and more fun since we had a child. Of course that doesn't make the research wrong, but it does suggest that decreased happiness is not inevitable and that external pressures of work and expectations between spouses may also have a role in determining happiness.

Jen