Who Is Right? Who Is Wrong?

[SuiteLady]

FFi and I have spent the last couple of nights talking about "The Wedding".

My FFi seems to think that if we have an intimate wedding (70 family and close friends) in our home city, that "someone will get mad that they aren''t invited." Or at the very least have hurt feelings.

I believe that nobody really cares that much about our wedding. I think that some folks may be disappointed, but I doubt that anyone would lose sleep or stop being our friends because of this. That''s one less Saturday evening to waste and in this economy, one less gift.

I wanted to pose this question to my past, present and future brides (and wedding enthusiasts) about this. What say you?

 

[LaraOnline]

He''s obviously quite a social person, I don''t either of you are right or wrong particularly, it''s all about the kind of atmosphere you are trying to achieve.

Personally, I went for a very intimate wedding. I had about 50 guests all up, but both of us are pretty private people, and we got married in front of family, with only a few of our bestest friends, basically.

Big weddings can be fun too. Up to you!

 

[Sha]

I don't believe that this is a right/wrong situation. There's no hard and fast rule as to whether people are more likely to feel hurt by not attending the wedding, or whether they'll won't care as much as you think, because the economy is bad. It really depends on your family/social circle/community, and how close they are to you, as well as how much they might expect to be invited to your wedding. You are the ones who know them best, so I believe you and FI would have a better idea of how they would feel.

That said, it sounds like you both of different opinions on it. But maybe you're both right! - maybe some persons will feel very hurt, and maybe some persons will feel somewhat relieved. There really is no black/white here.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/11/2008 6:39:39 PM
Author: Sha
I don't believe that this is a right/wrong situation. There's no hard and fast rule as to whether people are more likely to feel hurt by not attending the wedding, or whether they'll won't care as much as you think, because the economy is bad. It really depends on your family/social circle/community, and how close they are to you, as well as how much they might expect to be invited to your wedding. You are the ones who know them best, so I believe you and FI would have a better idea of how they would feel.

Agreed. That being said we had a 30 ish person wedding, so suffice it to say that many people were not invited. Randomly, we heard this summer that an estranged brother of my FIL (who hasn't seen my husband in YEARS) was offended that he wasn't invited to our wedding. What the heck? Even if we had a big wedding he wouldn't have been invited most likely! But yet friends of ours who were not invited were not offended in the least...so I really think it depends on the individual people and really whether or not you care that some people will be offended. We didn't because we both really wanted an intimate wedding, and the majority of relatives and friends were super happy for us regardless of whether they were invited or not. And almost everyone understood our desire to have a tiny wedding.

The bigger issue sounds like that you guys have different views on your ideal wedding...which is what really needs to be worked out.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I think 70 family members and close friends is good enough. It''s YOUR wedding. I''ll probably end up with roughly around the same amount of people or more than likely, even less than that as you. If you are inviting the family and close friends, the others will get over it. I''d just say that "This is what we want. Sorry if you don''t like it!" Maybe he is overly concerned but I don''t think you should have to worry about people''s feelings when it''s your wedding...

 

[SuiteLady]

It isn''t an issue, per se. It was a fun and enlightening conversation. He gave the budget, I initially balked, but now I think it is a good idea and a challenge. But it is one of those situations where we have the wedding he wants for $$$$$ or have everyone that he wants and make major sacrifices.

Ultimately, it isn''t anything that we can discuss and work through. The budget talks for us.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

My sister and her hubby wanted a small wedding (and they had about 30-40 guests) and it was perfect.

The way they got around it: Only immediate family and close friends of the bride AND groom (to make the guest list, you had to be friends with both of them).

It worked out beautifully, and if anyone asked- that''s what they told them. People will get over it.

 

[KimberlyH]

We invited about 30 people to our wedding, 24 showed up. My family is huge, DH''s was all but gone (his only living relative he knew was his mom). Trying to balance those things was difficult, so we decided to keep it small. It was a wonderful night and a great start to our lives as a married couple.

Neither of you is wrong or right, this is simply the beginning of a long series of compromises you will make to create a happy life together. The "no" wins in our house, you''ll have to decide what works for you in yours.

 

[anyname]

Just to reiterate what others have said, its not really a right or wrong issue. It''s your wedding and i can tell you that no matter what you do, someone is going to complain and someone''s feelings are going to get hurt. i wanted a small 70-100 people wedding, i was quickly vetoed and the wedding ballooned to 225 people, and you know what, people were still complaining that they weren''t invited or they didn''t get a wedding favor or something. Weddings can bring out the worst in people. So, in the end do what you both feel comfortable with and too bad to everyone else, if they really care about YOU and YOUR UNION they will respect your decision. Good luck with the wedding planning.

 

[havernell]

To piggy-back on Amanda's post, I think that no one (or no one who is reasonably sane at least) would get offended to not be invited if others in their same "category" were/were not also not invited. For example, if a good friend you've had for 15 years wasn't invited but your new co-worker who you've known for six months was invited, I think your friend would be upset (and justifiably so). However, if you were having an extremely small wedding and just your parents and siblings were invited I don't think that same friend would be upset in that case.

So, if there is a place around 70 where you can clearly draw the line between really close family and friends and a category of "secondary" friends, you shouldn't have anyone mad a you. And if some secondary friend IS mad at you, then it's more their problem than yours.

Finally, I subscribe to the mantra "no one cares as much about your wedding as you do". I had to teach this to my fiance recently when he was getting upset that no one was leaving comments on the wedding website he had worked hard so to set up.

Good luck figuring out what type of wedding to have! Deciding those things up front will save you a lot of headaches later on down the road, believe me.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I think if you have a lot of close friends around and you didn''t invite them or if you didn''t invite your close family they would be upset.If he is referring to all his frat buddies thats different....

Do what suits you and what you want to do...you are the ones paying for it, so you might as well get your moneys worth....

 

[fieryred33143]

I say that if you can get through a wedding without pissing off one person, then play the lotto.

 

[Bia]

I think my BF would rather have NOT been invited to all the weddings we''ve been to over the last few years. Me? I like weddings, so...

I think, no matter what, someone is always going to say something. Do what you need to do and don''t worry so much about upsetting anyone. As long as the people most important to you are there, that''s what matters. Its your wedding!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 12/11/2008 6:29:54 PM
Author:SuiteLady
FFi and I have spent the last couple of nights talking about ''The Wedding''.

My FFi seems to think that if we have an intimate wedding (70 family and close friends) in our home city, that ''someone will get mad that they aren''t invited.'' Or at the very least have hurt feelings.

I believe that nobody really cares that much about our wedding. I think that some folks may be disappointed, but I doubt that anyone would lose sleep or stop being our friends because of this. That''s one less Saturday evening to waste and in this economy, one less gift.

I wanted to pose this question to my past, present and future brides (and wedding enthusiasts) about this. What say you?

I hear ya. Trust me, I do. I don''t think either one is right, it''s just a difference of opinions.

SO and I can''t agree on a traditional wedding size. He wants more like 300, I want 60-80. Quite a significant difference. (There''s also a strong possibility we will just do the destination thing instead)

He thinks that if we have a traditional wedding, it must be massive so as to avoid offending people. It doesn''t help that he''s from a small town and has been invited to tons of weddings over the years. I don''t see the issue, personally - it''s our wedding and I doubt most people care about it as much as we do.

My personal rule of thumb as far as friends/acquaintances go is: if we won''t notice someone''s presence or absence either way, I don''t think that person should be invited. We''ve been together long enough that we have met all of the important friends- even ones who live far away- and I really have zero desire to have strangers to me our wedding (aside from something like his extended family, most of whom I have met).

Also: I am seriously shocked by how many people have the NERVE to comment on being invited or not being invited. Seriously. I hear about this all the time. What is wrong with people nowadays!?

 

[musey]

Well, honestly I don''t like questions of "right" and "wrong" between significant others.

In almost all cases, you are both right in different trains of thought or different circumstances.

If he thinks that there are people who will be offended, then he''s probably right. Then again, if you invited people based solely on not offending people, you would have a MASSIVE wedding. Inviting one person means you have to invite these 20 other people in the same category, and their significant others, and their children... it never ends. You have to draw the line somewhere. It''s totally up to you (BOTH of you) where the line is drawn. You both should be happy with your wedding and guest list. It may seem impossible, but it really isn''t.


We talked about the guest list free of names. We laid down ground rules, deciding what "types" of people were important to us to be there, and what our cutoff rules were. We decided that we wouldn''t invite anyone that we hadn''t talked to for more than a year, with the exception being family. Family we chose to invite, extended only to first cousins. Things like this. THEN we made up our guest list based purely upon our ground rules, and tried to decide if we felt like anyone was "missing." Turned out there were 3 or 4--not enough to disagree over. That all made it very, very easy. (That''s not to say we didn''t encounter difficulty with our--mostly his--parents wanting to invite people who didn''t fit into that framework, we did, but there was no conflict between US.)

THEN we discussed what location and venue type would work best or be the most fair for those we were inviting.

For us it was first about who we wanted to share our day with, and THEN where the wedding would be. It didn''t make sense to us to make those decisions the other way around.