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May 31, 2005
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I have lurked about looking for my e-ring for a while, but never posted until now. I had a huge fight with my fiance this weekend, and I don''t know what to do. We ended up getting a ring from an estate shop and I like it. We have been fighting over the wedding details for some time now. I don''t know if it''s just the wedding getting to us, but if it''s also US.

Our parents are very unhappy about our marraige. I am formerly married (for a year), but divorced with no kids. His parents are Asian and pretty traditional, so they wanted someone different. When they met me they accepted me. After a big fight we had, they were actually there for the day after so we couldn''t really hide the fight. It was really bad and we considered breaking off the engagement. They are now even more tough on us, and are making it quite difficult.

On top of that my parents don''t like him either. They say that we are too different, as he is very quiet and traditional, and I am sort of a free spirit. I guess our differences made us work, but with all this pressure from everywhere, I don''t know what to do. Our religion and culture are different and everyone tells us how tough it will be to raise them in a cohesive form, but I just don''t know what to even expect anymore!

After everyone telling us so, I have started to notice that he IS more traditional than I first noticed. He has lived in the US for years, but still clings to lot of ideals that his parents have for him. He''s such a hard worker, as he works for a big accounting firm and does very well. I on the other hand work in the art field and although I do well, I do not make work my life. He used to be more outgoing and romantic, but now the problem is that he is such a robot!

I don''t know where to go with this, as we are planning on canceling the wedding by the end of the week, because he says maybe we just need more time to figure it out. I agree, but has anyone ever recovered from more time? Am I being stupid and getting cold feet, or how do you know that this is really the ONE. My first husband was a great big mistake when I was a young girl. I wasn''t in love, but I was in love with BEING in love...

I don''t want to make the same mistake again...

Please help! Anyone have any good ideas on how to repair this???
 
Joined
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What I feel is missing from our relationship is that sort of excellence. We don''t jive just right. He always does things so sloppy, and it drives me nuts! He does everything half way, including with me. We went out to dinner last night in a odd attempt to try dating again, and it just felt forced and a bit lack luster. It''s like he does enough to keep me happy but never enough to make me feel impressed.

Example was he chose Greek food, which he knows I am not the biggest fan of. It was a long drive and a pricey meal, but wasn''t the greatest. I got all dressed up and he wore a shirt his khakis that looked wrinkled and worn... The flowers he got me looked like something out of a deli, and he was not paying attention a majority of the time to what I said, he kept talking over me. All he can talk about is work and how well it is going... I am at my wit''s end...
 

con17

Rough_Rock
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May 6, 2005
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Hey Soon..

I don''t post a lot but when I read your dilema I felt bad. I think that it''s hard to give advice when I or anyone else doesn''t really know either of your or your relationship previous to these problems. From what you say, it really sounds like one thing is adding onto another and all the sudden the "little" things seem to be a big deal and are bothering you. I have a couple of questions..when is your wedding..is it this week? Have you guys talked about or tried counseling? I think that''s going to be the best thing for you to talk to someone that is a 3rd party and can give unbiased advice. After all, the two of you thought there was something there special enough for you to plan your life together it''s worth saving don''t you think? All relationships take work, compromise and understanding. Hopefully this helps at least a little! Good luck
 

MichelleCarmen

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Okay, you and your fiance (bf?) are under a ridiculous amount of pressure and stress from your families. Totally unacceptable for BOTH sets of parents to interfer as they are!

I think, under these circumstances, you and your fiance should hold strong and could possibly date and even live together for a while. If you''re unsure about him, why not just keep the relationship a bit lighter and let the bond you share with your guy build back up (if this is meant to be).

Try not to take every thing too personally. So he took you to a greek resturant? Really not that big of a deal in the sceme of things. My husband FORCES me to go to really violent war movies, like the third Lord of the Rings movie. . . we went three or more times and I just sat there daydreaming with my rear aching from lack of movement! This is what marriage is about. . .A LOT of comprimise. . .by getting the hang of this now, you''ll be more acclimated to this after marrying.

Oh, and my husband and I don''t mesh in every aspect either. . .my husband is totally organized with business where I am flakey and spend bill money on new makeup
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We also read different types of books, listen to different music, and he likes snowboarding and freezing his butt off, where i love swimming and laying around in the hot sun! Life would be VERY boring if you married a carbon copy of yourself.
 

aljdewey

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It''s really hard to say.....no one can tell you what''s right for you.

The only perspective I can offer is this: My husband married his first wife when he was very young. They had very BIG cultural differences.....her family very religious, his not, etc......opposite ends of the spectrum on SO many things.

Her cultural reference was much different than his. Over time, these things began to cause problems for them.

In the end, he realized that part of their problem was not having enough "common ground".....their cultural upbringing were just too far removed for each other, and it caused friction in the form of disappointments and unmet expectations.

If these can be ironed out, the time to do that is pre-marriage. If they are relationship-ending problems, then they are, and it''s better to know that before it is a legal commitment too.

Good luck to you.
 

MrsFrk

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 20, 2004
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Oh my, I am sooo sorry you are going through such a rough time!
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My husband and I come from very different cultures, I was born here, but am the child of Chinese immigrants, he is from a very traditional (china and silver and monogrammed stationery) WASP background. We are quite different temperamentally too. My mom adores him, and always has (my father was dead by the time my husband arrived), but his family didn''t quite know what to do with me. They were never overtly disapproving, as I am an American, and have excellent manners, know which fork to use, etcetera. But I do have this wacky immigrant mom in tow. Yet despite our differences, we have made it work, we have been together for 12 years.

I have to say that it seems that if you are fighting, REALLY fighting a lot, and when you have dinner together all you can do is keep a scorecard of all of his faults, it really does seem that things are not working. (I''m not criticizing you, just observing, okay?) My husband it my polar opposite in many ways, but we do share the same basic values and philosophies about life and money and our time (we work to live, not vice versa), but his quirks (scattering the mail, taking off his socks in bed) and mine (having to run every day, being high strung and a control freak) we find mutually amusing.

I definitely think that you need to work out these issues before getting married. Marriage can be wonderfully fulfilling, but it is not easy, and you need a mutually agreed upon framework to build a life together. Best of luck to you.
 

fire&ice

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Date: 5/31/2005 5:48:39 PM
Author: MrsFrk
My husband it my polar opposite in many ways, but we do share the same basic values and philosophies about life and money and our time (we work to live, not vice versa), but his quirks (scattering the mail, taking off his socks in bed) and mine (having to run every day, being high strung and a control freak) we find mutually amusing.

I definitely think that you need to work out these issues before getting married. Marriage can be wonderfully fulfilling, but it is not easy, and you need a mutually agreed upon framework to build a life together. Best of luck to you.
Yeah. You''ve got to share the same basic core. With this, you need to search if you are on the same page in the big scheme of things.

Best of luck. BUT, I do think you need to examine your feelings sooner rather than later. Could just be cold feet reality. Or, your reactions/feelings may be a cold reality.
 

Munchkin

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 3, 2004
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Wow. You are certainly going through a lot. As a perfect stranger, I can''t begin to pass judgement on your relationship. I can, however, offer you a couple of tools that helped me through a rough relationship patch.

The most useful was a book titled Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Each chapter begins with questions that you answer with regard to your own relationship. Overall the book was helpful. It helped me step back and really analyze the good and bad. I found it at a local Barnes and Noble in the relationship/self help area. I would not suggest going through the book with your partner, but rather ponder the questions and your response on your own. It was also a quick read.

The second is a website: www.theregoesthebride.com You will find an entire community of people who said "Close, but no cigar." It helped me to see that my relationship is actually pretty darn good, just going through some growing pains. If you should find that it really is time to leave, you have an online support system.

Finally, I would suggest counseling.

Good luck.
Munchkin
 
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May 31, 2005
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We are getting married in 60 days basically. Two months. We have been together through a lot. We fought our families, which are both close to us (or at least WERE), and it''s been a real rollercoaster for us. His older sister also does not like me and we have exchanged words, but have gotten better...

As for our issues, I don''t know what CORE values consitute. I am a grown woman who honestly doesn''t know what a good relationship is and a bad one. He''s wonderful in many ways, but his insanity over working to make more money than his older sister, than his accounting friends, or his other family friends that come over and lord their degrees and their job connections over us. I just don''t know if I can handle a life of being a work horse or even a work horse''s wife. I do so much as it is, and when we first started living together, he and I did equal shares of work. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Now it''s like "okay, wife...get crackin''..."

Is it that men wait until the honeymoon stage is over to become exactly what they are? Isn''t that false advertising? Yes I am picking petty issues with him. Many. It''s like I can''t stop because there have been some serious fundamental differences with us, like how to raise the children, their religion, etc. He loves his comfort zones and I get bored easily, so I explained that in the future I wanted to try different activities together, travel, take a cruise, be a very active married person with a partner in crime. He says I would like to do the same, but we NEVER do. For 3 years we have had nothing but the SAME routines every day...

Are these core values? That I need a bit more excitement, human contact, emotion, sentiment, romance, etc... not just a guy who can brag at a party about his job and how the partners are really impressed with his work...

Have we watched too many movies with all those sultry, romantic men and am I just too idealistic? Are there any men out there who do something with exacting detail, who are considerate, and thoughtful, out going, exciting and romantic?

Plus, how do you stop the wheels of a marraige? What do you tell people? How does it all play out? Has anyone ever done it? For me, I went through a marraige and a divorce, so stupid as it is, it was actually easier to go through it and divorce. Plus I was young and my mother basically took care of so much then to help me...

Thanks all for your replies. I know I am not going to find an answer outside of my relationship. Today we are seeing a joint counselor so let''s see how it all goes. How do you give up 3 years of something to be alone and single again, with no reassurance you''ll EVER find the right guy...???
 

Jennifer5973

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2003
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Oh boy. I too feel for you. I think the details other posters have shared about their own culturally different marriages--some working out, others not--are valuable in helping you evaluate your relationship.

The best thing I can say is around "core values." Do you two want the same things out of life? Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? Does he see himself in the same place? What about children? It sounds like you both want them but be sure--and how many. To me core values means that you both are on the same journey. Two people can be on the same journey but have very different superficial attributes. I have read that we often seek out a mate whose traits complement ours--not mirror ours. For exmaple, i am very animated anf "firey" and my husband is very calm, patient and pragmatic.... It's okay to be different as long as there is balance.

One thing I know for sure is you cannot compare life to the movies! We've all been guilty of this from time to time, i am sure, and sometimes, we have "movie moments" in our lives but the day-to-day isn't a romatic fantasy--it's just twop people with a strong bond of love and trust, who want to be together on the same path with the same ultimate destination.

Have you tried having a heart-to-heart, emotions on the table, soul-bearing discussion? When you imagine your life without him (him, as is the person he is and all his "stuff") how do you feel inside? Sometimes, love isn't enough. Only you will be able to figure this one out but hopefully the various perspectives here can help you through the thought process and sorting your own feelings out.

I wish you luck and peace.
 

codex57

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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I agree with what Jennifer described as core values. How long were you together? People change. However, if you still have certain common core values together, you should be able to work through it. But seriously think about what are your core values, and what are his. Counseling may not be such a bad idea.

That comment about the "honeymoon" period really worries me b/c it''s a particular sticking point with me. Do you mind telling how long you guys have been together? A honeymoon period can only go so long. It''s possible the honeymoon period ended some time ago and this is just wedding stress. Wedding stress has certainly strained my relationship, but we''re working through it. My fiancee thinks we''re still on our honeymoon period (after 7 years) but if I look at it objectively, I can see a honeymoon period that ended years ago.

I also second that comment about compromise. It requires a lot. Hollywood is great at showing romance. Unfortunately, real life is rarely like that. I try, but I think my g/f realizes I''m just never going to be as romantic as she''d like. I notice both of us compromise lots of things for each other. Maybe that''s why we''re still going so strong.
 

onedrop

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 24, 2006
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2,216
Wow. Sounds like you are dealing with quite a bit right now. I have no advice to offer as I 1) don''t like to give advice and 2) have never been married. But I did want to say that I hope that everything works out in the end, whatever the outcome. Hang in there!!!
 

Erin

Ideal_Rock
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How do you give up 3 years of something to be alone and single again, with no reassurance you''ll EVER find the right guy...???
Yikes! Am I on the wrong track here by wondering if you''ve greatly considered putting a halt on the wedding but ''this'' is your fear? If so, it''s the wrong reason to just go ahead with it.
 

fire&ice

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Date: 6/2/2005 8:44:13 AM
Author: Erin

How do you give up 3 years of something to be alone and single again, with no reassurance you''ll EVER find the right guy...???
Yikes! Am I on the wrong track here by wondering if you''ve greatly considered putting a halt on the wedding but ''this'' is your fear? If so, it''s the wrong reason to just go ahead with it.
This struck a chord with me as well. Fear of being alone is never a reason to marry. No guarantees in life you will find the "right guy". Certainly doesn''t mean one should "settle".
 

elephant

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 5, 2005
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Hi there! I understand your dilemma. I was there once -- I decided to leave just because enough was enough -- we just didn''t have enough in common. But, that may not be the case for you. I wholeheartedly endorse seeking couples counseling. I think it''s a really great way to sort out both of your feelings. Although, I wouldn''t rule out cold feet. I know that in my relationships, I start getting nitpicky when things get more serious and I have to step back and remind myself to love/accept him as he is or leave. And I also have to remind myself that nobody is perfect. :) But, sometimes there are times when it''s best to walk away because who he is doesn''t mesh with who you are -- make sense?

BUT, I did want to address your feeling like there is nobody else out there. I wanted to remind you that there are 100 million or so men in this country and all you need is one. (And there are many more throughout the world.) So, just remember that when you''re thinking that you''ll never find someone again. :) It helps keep me sane. :)

Best of luck to you and keep us posted!
 

aljdewey

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 5/31/2005 6:21:19 PM
Author: Soon 2 B Mrs. Sparkles

Yes I am picking petty issues with him. Many. It''s like I can''t stop because there have been some serious fundamental differences with us, like how to raise the children, their religion, etc. He loves his comfort zones and I get bored easily,

Are these core values? That I need a bit more excitement, human contact, emotion, sentiment, romance, etc... not just a guy who can brag at a party about his job and how the partners are really impressed with his work...
Yes, these ARE fundamental differences....right down the the heart of it differences. If you both haven''t come to accord on these things yet, marriage isn''t a good idea, and it''s not going to solve the differences.

He''s a work horse, and you don''t want to be a work horse''s wife. Doesn''t that say it all? He is who he is, and you won''t change him. You only need to decide now whether you can be happy with who he is.


Date: 5/31/2005 6:21:19 PM
Author: Soon 2 B Mrs. Sparkles
Plus, how do you stop the wheels of a marraige? What do you tell people? How does it all play out?
How do you tell people you are ending a marriage AFTER the fact? It''s no easier in either situation....both are difficult.

What do you tell people? You tell people that you were hoping your love for each other would help you overcome some fundamental differences, but that you''ve come to realize that those differences will not dissipate. You tell them that you have too much respect for everyone involved to go forward when you know in your heart that the relationship isn''t going to last, and that you don''t want to put everyone through this AFTER the marriage.


Date: 5/31/2005 6:21:19 PM
Author: Soon 2 B Mrs. Sparkles
How do you give up 3 years of something to be alone and single again, with no reassurance you''ll EVER find the right guy...???
By having enough respect for yourself and valuing yourself enough to realize that you deserve more than just "anyone"....and by having the courage to gamble to get the right guy.

There are no guarantees. I didn''t meet my husband until I was 37. I, too, thought "what if I never find the right guy". For me, the answer was "I''d rather do without than make do." I would rather forgo marriage than marry the WRONG guy. Is it more important to be married for the sake of being married, or is it more important to marry your soulmate?

I was totally OK with the knowledge that I might never meet the right guy, and that might mean I never married. I was willing to accept that outcome.

Being willing to take that gamble meant that I was unattached when the right man did come along, and he is all that I ever wanted and more. You don''t get that by settling.

Good luck to you.
 

kanne

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 17, 2004
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Glad you two are seeing a therapist.

My FI and I are from completely different backgrounds too. We also went through a rough period but ended up happy..after a LOT of work. We needed to sort through and evaluate the values and expectations from our very different families..then decide what we needed for US to be happy together. Now we have our own "culture" (only way I can think to describe it). And we always stand together as a couple instead of taking sides (with outside family). This works for us...
 

MissAva

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