when to call it quits?

[mariewest]

I have been dating my SO for almost two years. I am not yet ready to call it quits over an engagement. I''m only 22 so there really is no hurry yet besides my own impatience. I was just thinking though when is it time to call it quits if he won''t pop the question? My SO and I are currently in a LDR until end of February. The plan is to move in together after that. He is planning on continuing school to get his masters in education, and he thinks he can get a job out west (where he wants to move.) I''m ok with moving out west, and we have discussed it in the past. I have expressed that I really want to be engaged before I do that. Although I would probably move out there without a ring, I feel that I shouldn''t uproot my life here to move across the country if he can''t make that commitment. I love him so much, and I know the ring is coming, but is it really right to end a relationship that is so good? I hope it doesn''t come to that, but as we talk it seems to be getting closer and closer. He doesn''t really know what he''s doing yet, and that makes it difficult for me to know what I''m doing! I''m just frustrated. I''m sure everything will work itself out, I just had to vent a little. Thanks for listening.

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

Hi Marie,

I''m sorry things are so hard to plan on right now. I think a lot of us have been there. The right time to call it quits is really a personal decision-- it is different for every relationship. You are right that you guys are young so you do have plenty of time to worry about the future, but I certainly understand wanting a ring before you move across the country.

If that''s important to you, my best advice is to stick to your guns about it. Not in the sense of "Buy me a ring or you can go to California all by yourself, thank-you-very-much!"... but more like, "Moving across the country with a man-- even a man that I love so much-- is a huge commitment on my part, and if we''re going to move that far away together, I think that commitment needs to be a mutual one."

How long does his masters program take? Would he not be wanting to get engaged until he is done with school? It''s probably hard to buy a ring if he''s in school, which could slow things down some.


If I may, I''d like to also offer that things taking some more time may wind up being the best thing for you. If your relationship is strong and meant to be, you''ll grow closer and you''ll face some more adult challenges together. If there are problems, they will become evident in a pretty short amount of time. Make sure you''re taking time to continue to evaluate what you''re looking for in a lifelong relationship, too-- sometimes it changes in our 20''s!

Best of luck to you!

 

[misskitty]

Like the above poster said, there's really no "correct" answer to this -- it's about you, your relationship, and your own personal threshold. I know that sounds like a lame answer, but you're the only one who can decide if it's worth moving to be with him, ring or not. As far as when to call it quits if there's no proposal (regardless of whether a cross-country move is involved), I'd say that my threshold would be the moment I figured out that we were (a) not on the same page and (b) never going to be.

If it helps, I was recently in a very similar situation. SO got a promotion, but it required him to relocate out-of-state. Neither of us have any desire to be in a long-distance relationship at this time, and I had to make a choice about whether I would go with him, ask him to stay here (and hold him back from the promotion, which I wouldn't do), or end the relationship. Until the moment that situation was sprung on me, I had told myself that I would never live with a boyfriend without a ring on my finger (the whole cow/free milk principle), but I had come to that conclusion without ever having been faced with a decision about doing so. To make things extra complicated, he flat out asked me if he needed to propose to get me to come with him (I vetoed this option immediately, because it would feel like the entire thing was forced by the move instead of a natural step in our relationship). So, I can empathize...it's a big decision, and it definitely has an impact on your life, future, and happiness.

Ultimately, I decided that he was worth uprooting my life for, and we'll be moving in a few weeks, but I can't make that decision for you. You seem to be weighing both sides, and I hope you can come to a decision that truly makes you happy.

Good luck

 

[gwendolyn]

As someone who's moved to another country to give a long-distance relationship a fair shot, my advice would be that (at this stage in your relationship, unmarried/unengaged) you should want to move not just to be with him, but also for the experience of living somewhere else. I think you might find yourself growing very resentful rather quickly if you moved out there only for him (i.e. don't want to leave home but don't want to break up either). If you have the desire to live other places, then go! It could be a great adventure! But if you don't, then tell him you're sorry but you aren't willing to follow him without being engaged, which he may or may not be ready for. You have to make a big move as much for yourself as for him, so tell him what you need in order to keep things working. And I also think your feeling on what to do will become clearer when it's more imminent, so try not to stress about it too much.

 

[trillionaire]

My boyfriend of 5+ years asked me to move to where he lived. I am still working on school where I live, but both of us are tired of LDR. I told him, unequivocally, that I would not consider moving without a commitment (even though I LOVE where he lives, and am not fond of where I live), and I didn''t think it was fair for him to even ask (since it involves so much sacrifice on my part!) And it is only 4 hrs away! I did tell him that I would move if I decided to, in my own time and on my terms, but he couldn''t ask me to do so without a commitment. One is a decision about me, the other is a decision about us. If you want us to make US decisions, then just say the magic words!

That''s just me.

LOL, but if I was Gwen, I too would have jumped at the opportunity to live abroad!!!

But, I have already lived in the mid atlantic, the south, in the midwest and on the west coast, so...

 

[neatfreak]

I think you''ve said it yourself. Your own internal timeline is that you don''t want to uproot your life for him in a few years without an engagement. Makes sense to me. You don''t need to tell HIM that, but it''s good to have an internal timeline and stick to it.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/8/2008 3:29:01 AM
Author: trillionaire
LOL, but if I was Gwen, I too would have jumped at the opportunity to live abroad!!!

But, I have already lived in the mid atlantic, the south, in the midwest and on the west coast, so...

Heh, yeah, it sounds all glamorous, but it''s not really.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/8/2008 11:25:15 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 12/8/2008 3:29:01 AM

Author: trillionaire

LOL, but if I was Gwen, I too would have jumped at the opportunity to live abroad!!!

But, I have already lived in the mid atlantic, the south, in the midwest and on the west coast, so...

Heh, yeah, it sounds all glamorous, but it''s not really.

It''s not?!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/8/2008 2:22:54 PM
Author: Addy

Date: 12/8/2008 11:25:15 AM

Author: gwendolyn

Date: 12/8/2008 3:29:01 AM


Author: trillionaire


LOL, but if I was Gwen, I too would have jumped at the opportunity to live abroad!!!

But, I have already lived in the mid atlantic, the south, in the midwest and on the west coast, so...

Heh, yeah, it sounds all glamorous, but it's not really.

It's not?!

Maybe if James was actually David Tennant or Richard Branson. Why, who'd YOU marry?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/8/2008 2:29:02 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 12/8/2008 2:22:54 PM
Author: Addy

Date: 12/8/2008 11:25:15 AM

Author: gwendolyn

Date: 12/8/2008 3:29:01 AM


Author: trillionaire


LOL, but if I was Gwen, I too would have jumped at the opportunity to live abroad!!!

But, I have already lived in the mid atlantic, the south, in the midwest and on the west coast, so...

Heh, yeah, it sounds all glamorous, but it''s not really.

It''s not?!

Maybe if James was actually David Tennant or Richard Branson. Why, who''d YOU marry?

Way to shatter my dreams Gwen!

Anyway, I just wanted to live abroad for a few years, not for permanant, so maybe it could be semi-glam?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think you should call it quits when you are no longer happy within the relationship. It''s different for everybody!

That being said, I think this is an important time in your life where you need to put yourself first. I dated my husband in my late teens/early twenties...in fact we were living together by the time I was 20/21 (though he moved to come live with me). I found the most challenging part of that time in my life to be growing as an individual vs. being a part of a couple. I made it clear that my own life came first--college, my career, etc. It wasn''t always easy, but it was necessary for me. And for him...he had his own individual journey to take. I would advise against uprooting your life right now if it''s not what YOU want.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 12/8/2008 9:22:08 AM
Author: neatfreak
I think you''ve said it yourself. Your own internal timeline is that you don''t want to uproot your life for him in a few years without an engagement. Makes sense to me. You don''t need to tell HIM that, but it''s good to have an internal timeline and stick to it.

Ditto. But I''d actually tell him that so he knows how you feel.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

If it helps at all, you can try to do what I did-

I''m 20, almost 21 (this weekend) and I wanted to be engaged soooo badly during the summer. But then we sat down and actually talked about what would be practical for us- if we got engaged now, there was NO WAY we could even afford to have a wedding anytime in the next 4 years. So we figured once we were out of college we will do everything- get engaged, get married within 12-18 months.. kids.. we kind of mapped it out. Since you are so young, (like me) I know how it''s so hard waiting for something you want so bad... but think about it- if you move across the country and have to get new jobs, you guys will be discombobulated for a while, not in any shape to plan anything like a wedding. At least, I would be. I think if you really think about when the right time is for you guys, it will help you have peace of mind. Sorry if this sounds all jumbled, but I think you get the drift. I also think since you have expressed your concern for being engaged before you move in, so hopefully he listened to that. I finally had to take a step back from asking my BF about it, and let him plan the proposal himself.

And like everyone else said- talk to him! Is he your age too?

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/8/2008 3:45:28 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 12/8/2008 9:22:08 AM
Author: neatfreak
I think you''ve said it yourself. Your own internal timeline is that you don''t want to uproot your life for him in a few years without an engagement. Makes sense to me. You don''t need to tell HIM that, but it''s good to have an internal timeline and stick to it.

Ditto. But I''d actually tell him that so he knows how you feel.

Ditto to both posts above.

And just a side note--if your bf wants to become a teacher after he earns his MEd I would highly recommend that he either earn his degree in the state where he plans to teach, or he speaks with an academic advisor and a state office of ed rep before he commits to a program. He should ensure that he can get his cert. in his desired state immediately upon graduation. Teaching certificates are given by each state, and while a few have reciprocity for each other, some states make it very difficult to get your cert if you were certified in another state. (I live in Illinois and they make people jump through serious hoops to get certified here.) It also helps to study where you want to teach because student teaching often leads to a job offer.

Okay, sorry for the aside, but I wouldn''t want to see him make a devastating mistake.

 

[princess_natalie]

I''m going to echo the consensus that has been ''ditto-ed'' a few times.

The internal time clock is good to have. However, you really need to be prepared to stick with it. If you are to talk with him about it - which I would advocate for - you need to be prepared to follow through. If you don''t, it is really setting you up as seeming like a doormat, and no girl wants that.

I am 21 and my bf is 22. We have our time line ''planned out'' and we always talk about everything.. Maybe this is a good opportunity in your frustration to open the lines of communication with your SO about this. Think of it this way - if he is open to discussing it and appreciative of your feelings and your willingness to share them with him, then it is a very good sign - as communication is KEY for any successful relationship. However, if he gets defensive or is not understanding or anything along those lines, then it may be better to rethink if you two are on the same page.

To me it sounds like (and I hope I am wrong) you are having doubts - you say the relationship is really good but you are not willing to wait? I know it is tough to be a LIW. I have known I was going to marry my bf since first year university and I''m now finishing up my 4th! However, I also know that it will happen when the time is right. Mind you, I don''t have this impending huge move to face...

Ultimately, you need to do what is right for you - but if you can take any piece of advice from my post - please, try to talk with him!

Good luck <3

 

[purselover]

You''ve only been dating 2 years, and you''re only 22, and you''re thinking about when to leave if there''s no proposal? I''m sorry but what''s the rush? If the relationship is good why end it??? You have plenty of time to get married, and you''ve been long distance. Don''t you want to spend time together in the same place to make sure you''re truly compatible? I can''t imagine being so young in a long distance relationship and wanting to get engaged so badly that I''d actually consider ending an otherwise great relationship. If you know a ring is coming than don''t you already pretty much have your commitment?

 

[audball]

Every relationship IS different and you ARE young. I, too, am young (just turned 22 last week and BF and I are but a few weeks apart). We have been together for 3 years, living together for just under 2 1/2. People ask us all the time when we''ll get married. Deep down, I KNOW this is the man for me and that we WILL get married. PS enables me to want to do it now, but we have plans for post graduate school. Why mess up something that is great now! NewEnglandLady makes a great point. At this time in your lives you should be trying to learn everything about yourselves and what you want out of life individiually while functioning as a team at the same time. YOUR TIME WILL COME! IF moving across the country is a deal-breaker, well then it may be time to call it quits if he''s not ready to commit to marriage. You''ll have to see how it plays out. I would, however, discuss your feelings with him about this NOW so he is aware of your feelings and either has time to get there himself or know that it''s not going to work out. Goodluck!

 

[mariewest]

I just want to stress that I was just wondering what everyone''s take on the subject was. I am truly not at that stage in our relationship where I am going to up and walk out. I was just thinking down the road years from now. We have been through a lot and have a realistic understanding what we want and what marriage takes. And I do wish to move at some point out of the state that I''m currently in, so it''s not the move itself that I''m concerned about. We have been very supportive of each other and our individual goals in our futures, so I don''t feel that we''re holding each other back in anyways. He does know how I feel about all of this, because we have discussed our plans in depth the best we can right now. I am not having doubts about the relationship. We are doing really great, and I have a feeling that I will receive a proposal within the next six months. This was just something I was wondering about. I also want to clarify that the LDR we are in is temporary. We met and went to school together where I saw him everyday. We see each other every other weekend while he''s still finishing and I am living at home three hours away. So there really is no need for concern based on that. There also really isn''t a hurry because we''ll probably have a long engagement over a year just to save money for the actual wedding.

I hope I can clear up any misconceptions of my posting. I do feel though at a certain point in any relationship, whatever that point may be, if it is not going where you want it to go, or are not receiving what you need from it, then there is a time to go your separate ways. I would absolutely hate that to happen with my SO now, but being realistic, I think it''s important to know when that point may be.

Haven: Thanks for your post about the teacher cert. He''s aware that that is the best bet for him to get his cert. in the state he plans on teaching. He is actually planning on attending a expo in the spring where schools come looking to hire students and will help them receive their cert and masters with their five year contract to teach. He is really looking forward to this. He has been researching and talking to counselors, so he is well prepared.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I had posted this in another thread, but it seems to be appropriate here:

I dated someone I met on Match.com for a year and nine months. I broke up with him last May. While we were dating (never lived together), he was very very generous to my children and myself when it came to basic needs help (groceries, making sure there was enough oil in the tank, etc.), but there was never anything that really stood out to me as something to make ME feel special. I'm sure you ladies know what I mean. Anyway, after we were dating for a year and half, I was starting to question his sincerity (basically the "why buy the cow" thing), and I broke up with him. We got back together after a week apart, and honestly I was very surprised to see him cry when I broke up with him. He never saw it coming, despite me thinking I had clearly communicated to him my various thoughts and feelings about the relationship and how stagnant I feared it was. So, there were issues with his teenage daughter (basically I was more of a mother to her than either of own parents) and him not backing me up, and I just really did not see him making any plans to move the relationship forward. We had the ultimatum talk, and he told me straight out that he couldn't make the commitment at that time because he didn't know where his business was headed, and I'm sorry but when you truly love someone, you would want them by your side if you knew you may be about to go through a rough transition.

I thought about the ultimatum conversation, did some soul searching, and told him flat out that there was no way I was going to stay in a relationship with someone for two years without a possible future. Believe me, it was not easy to say goodbye to him, but I had a weekend husband (the ex-husband was only around on weekends because he worked an hour and a half away, so he stayed at his mom's during the week), and the weekend boyfriend thing was getting old quick...especially with six kids between my crew and his. I reminded him that back when we started dating I told him that I was not interested in a sugar daddy or dating for half a decade with no future in sight. He couldn't imagine that I would rather be on my own than be a kept woman who really didn't have to worry too much about financial issues because he had money and could help me out, but that's not what I am looking for. I want a real partnership, and I'm not willing to compromise on what I want for me and my children.

I always thought that it is the younger guys who have a hard time moving forward and asking that four-word question, but the man I dated (who had his own house, his own money, his own investments, etc.) was 46 years old, and well-established. We are far from our early 20's. I think when you come to the realization that you and your SO are not on the same page with your personal goals and plans for the future, and you find yourself questioning "what is the point of continuing on?", it is time to call it quits. Honestly, if I had been in my 20's, I am pretty sure I would not have broken up with him. Thankfully with age comes wisdom, and a better ability to know exactly what it is you want for your life. That is why I was the one to call it quits with him.