When self-esteem and waiting collide

[Squid_Runs]

I'm sorry this is so long and self-centered. I'm registered under a different username here but scared to post under my "real" name.

The bf and I have been together for a little over 5 years (we're both 2, and they've generally been good ones. I've always had terribly low self-esteem. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and, though she loves me, at best is completely unable to demonstrate loving feelings. At worst, she can be very emotionally abusive and was unable to protect me from multiple sexual assaults as a young child. In high school I was extremely depressed, attempted suicide multiple times and I spent some time living in a residential program just to avoid the awfulness that was home.

Since then I've worked very hard to move on. I'm in therapy and working on self-esteem stuff, but there are a LOT of residual issues. Some people say that they've dreamed about getting married since they were very young, but I didn't because I honestly thought of myself as being so monstrous that it would be a waste of time to think about getting married since no one would ever want to be with me.

So after being in therapy for a long time I'm finally beginning to allow myself to want that marriage. I want to marry the bf. He says he wants to get married, but I doubt very strongly that he does. He's very sweet to me, and many of my girlfriends are convinced that he'll propose once he gets his job situation straightened out. Well, recently he got a huge promotion and I just know that there is no proposal coming. At this point I'm beginning to think that it'll never happen.

I still think of myself as so fundamentally flawed that it seems obvious that he wouldn't want to marry me, and this is clearly something I need to overcome before we can move forward as a couple. I'm still in therapy, but I feel so alone. So many of my girlfriends are confident, beautiful women and wouldn't understand where I'm coming from at all. I feel like I can't speak to anyone irl about my feelings because they would just try to convince me that my feelings are wrong. Is there anyone else who can relate?

 

[chemgirl]

I think that a lot of the confident women you're referring to probably have insecurities that you don't know about. I'm sure my friends think I'm a confident person, but that's the farthest thing from the truth. I honnestly grew up thinking I was ugly, and I always developed crushes on guys who were totally not interested, so that confirmed my opinion of myself. I was sure I'd never get married so I chose a career where I could live comfortably off of one income. I have always wanted a family, but I assumed there was no way it would happen. I know its totally stupid, but that's how I thought. I was in my mid twenties before I thought that I actually might be ok looking. I'm six feet tall so I was always towering over the boys in highschool. Nobody ever wanted to date me back then so I think that's what started it.

It really took a lot to change my opinion of myself. I remember talking to a friend about this guy I really liked. At one point I said "but he's so hot, he'd never be interested in me" and my friend looked at me like I was crazy and said that I was out of his league. I thought my friend was just being nice, but now I look back and I think the guy was average looking, and kind of a jerk...I managed to do way better with DH. I remember a few years ago this really really hot guy (sorta looked like Jason Statham...really really in shape) asked me out and I thought he was joking. It always surprised me when he actually showed up for dates or remembered to call. I made it go on a lot longer than I probably should have just because I thought I'd never find somebody who looked like that who would want to be with me again, so I might as well take advantage while I could. Even the night when I realized that DH was interested in me, I saw him dancing with one of my friends and thought she was so lucky...that a guy like that would never want to dance with me. It ends up he had a crush on me and was dancing with my friend as a way to get in to our group (they're good friends so she didn't have the wrong idea or anything). Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that I know a bit of where you're coming from, but now I'm married so clearly I'm not totally flawed. I know that you know logically that there's nothing wrong with you, but its really really hard to get rid of that feeling.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I can not relate on a personal level but I just wanted to say you might find it useful to build up the courage to talk to your SO about this. Everytime I ever experience strong feelinsg of confusion or unhappiness I always feel like I can't talk to him about it, but when I get my courage together and sit down and have a chat he is always so amazing and makes me feel so much better every single time.

Remember, you two are a team, and he has your back, I am willing to put money down that if you talk to him about it he will make you feel better.

Anyhow I am sorry that you didnt want to post as yourself :'( **hugs**

 

[4ever]

I don't begin to think I have been though nearly as much as you, but like alot of other women here I can relate on several points.

I grew up feeling ugly. When I was little I did drama classes and really wanted to be an actress when I grew up. I still remember watching TV and "realising" that all actresses were really beautiful and so I couldn't be one because I was too ugly.

I remember giving myself chemical burns on my face trying to get rid on my freakles, and laying on my bed reading or watching tv from when I woke up till dinner time where I would allow myself somthing to eat, because if I was just 5kgs thinner, or if I had no freakles or any number or other things I found to obsess about, then I wouldn't be so ugly.

At University I hung out with the same two girls alot and I remember one time they said somthing about me being the pretty one of us and I thought they were making a really mean sarcastic joke.

At high school I was badly and deeply depressed and at Uni my insecurities gave me some crippling social anxiety issues.

I have broken down and cryed in my BFs arms at least twice in the past couple of months because my insecurities wisper in my ear that the reason he is waiting so long to propose is because I've done something wrong or I'm not good enough.

Anyway, a lot of women has these kinds of issues (some of us worse then others), you just deal with them best you can and do your best to be happy with and love yourself.

If it's ment to be, your BF will propose to you, and It will have nothing at all to do with the way you look. He's stuck around for 5 years, there is obvously a crap load of really great things he sees in you to make him really WANT to be with you.

 

[blacksand]

It does sound like you have made a lot of progress, and you should definitely be proud of how far you’ve come! And it’s wonderful that you have someone who cares about you and obviously wants to be with you. But if I may be completely honest, I think you need to focus on getting yourself to a place where you feel you deserve his love, and you deserve to be engaged, and of course someone would want to marry you—before you can actually start stressing about whether a proposal is coming. It sounds like you have made great strides toward that, which is wonderful, but I still think it’s important to feel you deserve it. What concerns me is that, even if he does propose to you tomorrow, at best, you will feel unworthy, and blindly lucky. I just don’t think that’s a great foundation for a marriage. You both need to recognize how much you contribute to the relationship. If you have a great relationship, it is because of the type of people you are and what you have both done to get there. You have earned that great relationship, and you deserve every bit of it! I think you start a marriage by celebrating that fact and continue by working together to maintain and improve that. On the flip side, if you don’t realize what you deserve, you run the risk of settling for much less, because you feel you are lucky to get anything. Know that that is not the case. Understand that you are a good person, that you have worked very hard to get to where you are now, and you deserve the best. Then you’ll be ready to go get it.

 

[TooPatient]

I understand what you're talking about.

You ARE "good enough" to marry! You ARE a wonderful, intelligent, talented woman who DESERVES happiness and good things (and people!).

Keep reminding yourself of this. Write down the wonderful things you bring to your bf's life -- ask him to write a list of the great things about you (looks, personality, quirks, things you do, things you do for him, just.... YOU) that he appreciates.

 

[Amys Bling]

Does he know about your history? Is he involved in any counseling sessions with you?

I think it is great that you have come so far.... the issues you discussed are not things that are easy to overcome. That takes a strong and confident person to begin to accept the past, move past it, and move on with your life- and be in an open and loving with another person.

Does he know how you are feeling about getting engaged? Maybe he doesn't really know....

 

[Squid_Runs]

Thank you all for your kind replies. I agree that I shouldn't assume that other women are all as confident as they seem, when I also would appear very confident on the exterior. I also definitely need to work on feeling worthy of love, as it feels like such a vague, elusive thing. I know how to work toward work/life goals, but I can't get my brain around this one.

The bf and I have definitely had marriage conversations, but I have never really been able to express how I feel. I'm scared that he'll feel pressure or just try to talk me out of my feelings. He has his own issues and anxieties about marriage, and so the combination of the two of us makes for a couple that will likely be together for several more years before making it official (not that that's a bad thing).

I appreciate all of your kind words. Each post offered something new for me to think about, and you all made me feel so much less alone. Thank you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Although I cannot personally relate, I wanted to reach out and let you know that (in my opinion) you're incredibly strong, and you're not feeling anything else every other LIW hasn't felt, although the reasons may be your own.

I would suggest talking to the BF. Yes, I would. If this is the man you want to marry, then you need to practice taking those walls down, even if it's uncomfortable for one or both of you. I think so many LIW's have a hard time telling the BF "listen, I want to get married, so are we on that path" because they fear becoming a nag or applying pressure. But when you're thinking about something as monumental as sharing your life with another person, it deserves the heart-to-heart. Opening that line of communication doesn't mean you need to obsess over it day after day...but it does mean getting the answers you want and no more than you deserve if you're investing time in the relationship.

You're worth more than you're giving yourself credit for...go into the talk knowing that. If he doesn't want to be married, well, that's on him and chances are it has nothing to do with you. I hope you're doing okay and I wish you the best.

 

[mariewest]

I'm sorry for your awful past, but it sounds like you are taking the right steps to help you overcome what you've had to live through.

As for the whole self-esteem thing, I feel it to. Sometimes I think if I was just more ___________(fill in the blank: thinner, athletic, taller, prettier, successful, etc.) that he wouldn't hesitate to want to marry me. That it must be something wrong with me and our relationship. I do think that even the most confident, prettiest, successful people have insecurities. It is just human nature. You're not alone.