what''ll I do?

[hazel_eyes]

Hi there everyone.

I''m totally new to the forum and have been reading up on rocky talky and show me the ring threads for a few weeks now.
Here''s my story. I''ve been going out with my bf for nearly 4 years now.
I owned a house in the city where we used to live, and he moved in with me a year and a half ago. I sold that house last year to move with him to his home town and buy a place together. We''ve been in our new place since before Christmas 2006.
I can''t seem to settle in this place. I''m lonely. I gave up alot of things to move here for ''us''. I only know a few people down here, and they''re all his friends and family.
I''ve got a good job here, but its not the kind of place you''re likely to make friends.
So........I told my bf that I''m not happy. That I thought things would play out differently. That it''s ok for him, he gets all the advantages of us moving here...someone to cook and clean and all his friends and family around him. What advantages do I get?
We''ve talked previously about the whole marriage and kids thing, and I really expected he would''ve proposed by now. I feel like I have no security at all. Am I being unreasonable?
Now he tells me that he''ll have a big tax bill to pay when he inherits his fathers business. So where does that leave us? Nowhere. He says he''s gonna propose before the end of September. I pointed out that I don''t want to do that if it means I''ll have to get a fake ring. So he''s not gonna do it now. I''ll be a lady in waiting for years to come and he seems fine with that. Well I''m not. I''m nearly 30 already. What am I gonna do?

 

[MustangFan]

How far from where you originally lived? canyou go for a geteway weekend sometime to be with your own friends and family?

I was in a similar situation as you, but we had a whole ocean between us and I felt like I gave up everything and he didn''t give up a thing. No compromise and it ended up being spiteful and bitter. I''d say he has to compromise in order to keep you.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 4/6/2007 5:28:31 AM
Author:hazel_eyes
Hi there everyone.

I'm totally new to the forum and have been reading up on rocky talky and show me the ring threads for a few weeks now.
Here's my story. I've been going out with my bf for nearly 4 years now.
I owned a house in the city where we used to live, and he moved in with me a year and a half ago. I sold that house last year to move with him to his home town and buy a place together. We've been in our new place since before Christmas 2006.
I can't seem to settle in this place. I'm lonely. I gave up alot of things to move here for 'us'. I only know a few people down here, and they're all his friends and family.
I've got a good job here, but its not the kind of place you're likely to make friends.
So........I told my bf that I'm not happy. That I thought things would play out differently. That it's ok for him, he gets all the advantages of us moving here...someone to cook and clean and all his friends and family around him. What advantages do I get?
We've talked previously about the whole marriage and kids thing, and I really expected he would've proposed by now. I feel like I have no security at all. Am I being unreasonable?
Now he tells me that he'll have a big tax bill to pay when he inherits his fathers business. So where does that leave us? Nowhere. He says he's gonna propose before the end of September. I pointed out that I don't want to do that if it means I'll have to get a fake ring. So he's not gonna do it now. I'll be a lady in waiting for years to come and he seems fine with that. Well I'm not. I'm nearly 30 already. What am I gonna do?

women tend to make men responsible for our lives. Men are not responsible for our lives - we are. It's a hard lesson and we all have to learn it. decide if you love him and make your decision to stay.

Lonely - Get out and make friends. This is not his problem. start hobbies, join a club, something that you do for you.

Someone to cook and clean. You are resentlful, so stop doing it. arrange to do half of the work, or hire a housekeeper. again, this is on you, stop making yourself miserable no sympathy here.

would you get engaged with a small ring- why or why not, after all you are marrying the man, not the ring. it's up to you to tell him you don't want to wait to get engaged and that you would like to get married now.. if he dallies, then set a mental deadline with yourself.

The taxbill. this is life, deal with it.

i understand the being 30 issue.

 

[poptart]

Well, I had to move across the country from my hometown where I grew up in order to be with my then FI. I knew absolutely no one and had no family or friends here at all. And neither did he since he was only out here because he got stationed in the area. The thing was, I was lonely but it never felt like a sacrifice because I knew I had chosen to be with him over staying in my hometown. It was the best decision I ever made. It took me quite a few months to make true friends, but now we have better friends here than we ever did back in our hometown. I guess what I am trying to say that if it feels like a real sacrifice, and you are really unhappy with your situation most of the time, then you need to decide on something pretty quick. Because the more lonely you feel the more you are going to blame your BF and the longer it will seem to take for an engagement. I guess that just being in a similar situation just a couple years ago, I would say that you have to be really patient and get out there and meet some people. Go to places that you enjoy, like the gym or something, and just be nice and talk with people. It also sounds like you think since you compromised and moved across the country that you should have to "give in" to anything thing else... like a fake ring or waiting this long for engagement. I understand the frustration but unfortunately compromise never goes away. So if you do want to get engaged soon and a fake ring is all you can get, wouldn''t that be better than not getting engaged at all? Or perhaps you can get engaged without a ring and pick one out later. There are different options, but I guess they all involve a compromise. You asked if you are being unreasonable and I don''t think that is the right word. Maybe a little unrealistic or a little impatient. And that''s probably just because you are really frustrated. But maybe you could hang out with his friends and family some more and they would introduce you to their friends and you can make some in the process. I don''t know if I even helped at all, haha. These were just my thoughts on your situation so maybe you can glean something from them

*M*

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 4/6/2007 5:28:31 AM
Author:hazel_eyes
I pointed out that I don''t want to do that if it means I''ll have to get a fake ring. So he''s not gonna do it now.

I agree with what others have said... there''s no shame in wearing a small ring, especially if it means you''re officially engaged. Perhaps you can talk to him about coming up with a ring budget. You''d be amazed at how far you can stretch even a small amount with all of these great on line vendors.

Have you ever considered putting some money towards the ring (or towards other expsenses so that he can save more for a ring himself)? A lot of women contribute to the costs of their rings these days--it''s not the traditional thing to do--but in the long run, what''s it matter?

 

[ladykemma]

now that older lady has knocked you upside the head, let''s do some coaching

what did you like to do when you were in your former city? what are your interests? hobbies? anythjing you would like to do that you have never done before?

we went through the resentment cooking and cleaning thing. I think all women do this. one day I up and quit. the slogan was: "the maid quit!". the house went totally cluttered and messy. then I tried dividing the chores in half, but hubby is someone who had to take a blowtorch to his bachelor toilet, and vacuumed one time without a vaccum cleaner bag, so that didn''t work. now we pay an excellent housekeeper twice the going rate to run our home for us. she does everything from laundry to changing lightbulbs, to changing the air filter. she is a true english housekeeper and runs our home as if it were her own. may i suggest you hire help so that you can have a life of your own?

we got married with a tiny 1/4 carat ring. would you do the same - why or why not? when circumstances are better you can get a better ring. the ring in my avatar is the ring on my middle finger. I do not take off the 1/4 carat for sentimental reasons.

 

[KimberlyH]

I too made the choice to move 600 miles to be near my now husband. But we had discussions about what that entailed prior to my packing, quiting my job and not renewing my lease. Did you guys discuss anythng about what the future would entail before moving? I get the impression that the answer is "no" and that a lack of communication is what is at the root of all of your problems.

If he isn''t willing to pitch in, stop taking care of him. He''s your SO, not your child.

Qhen I moved, it was very difficult. I left a group of very close friends and landed in a place where I knew no one. But I knew that only I could make new friends, no one was going to do it for me. So I made the effort to meet people and establish new friendships.

As for the fake ring, that absolutely shouldn''t be your priority. If he''s making a smart business move that will be beneficial to his future, and yours if you stay together, you should be proud of him and pleased to have chosen someone who cares about his future.

As for the perpetual LIW status, go back to my first paragraph, it''s time for you to start communicating your needs, in a constructive manor, and see if the two of you can come to some sort of conclusion that works best for both of you (keep in mind, a piece of paper and a J.P are all one needs to say "I do."). If you have to have a ring, buy a plain band for now and start saving for the rock of your dreams, buy it when you''ve saved enough, but don''t let that be the deciding factor as to whether or not you''ll get married.

 

[Becky P]

Hey there. I also moved across country to be with my BF, and we just moved again to a new city for his job, so I can definitely sympathize with being in a new city and not knowing a soul. Here''s an idea for you, and anyone else out there who likes to volunteer. When I moved to Pittsburgh, I ended up joining the Junior League. It''s an international organization with groups in hundreds of cities comprised of women committed to volunteerism and bettering their community. It was the best choice I ever made! I''ve met so many friend through the league, and now, no matter where I move, I have an instant way to meet women in my new community. Check it out sometime... www.ajli.org

 

[firebirdgold]

Well, I see two main problems. 1) you''re unhappy and lonely in your new location. 2) You and your bf have not been communicating clearly. If you want to get to the lowdown, skip to the end of this long post!

1) It''s hard to meet people and make friends in a new area but not impossible, it takes effort and some research. For instance we''re moving to an area where my dh has friends and family and I don''t, so I''ve researched things like art classes and gym classes, and the local MEETin.org chapter. I''m also planning on through a few casual parties so I can get to know his friends better. It helps if your bf''s male friends are in a relationship so you can strike up a friendship with the other half of the couple. Do you like his friends??
You might want to see if MEETin.org has a chapter in your new area. It''s a loose web-base organization solely designed to help people meet and make friends with other people in the area.

2) As for the communication thing. It sounds like you sold your house, moved to his home town, and bought a home jointly with him assuming that the commitment you wanted was imminent. Did you guys ever expiclity discuss getting engaged in relation to you uprooting your life to join him? To women there''s an obvious coorelation between the two and therefore a good reason to be upset when nothing happens, but guys don''t always think like us. I bet he feels kinda blindsided. Men are literal beings, not mindreaders... you have to be really clear and direct when talking to them. Men also don''t get the whole engaged/married = security kind of thing.

I wouldn''t be surprised if you felt resentful because you''ve been putting him first and giving up a lot of things under the expectation that you''d be shortly engaged with a lovely ring to symbolize your comittment to each other. It''s a totally normal way to feel. You shouldn''t have done it to begin with, but it is normal. You''re partners... or at least you''re supposed to be. A move like this should never be made without each person being very clear about the other''s needs and wants and expectations. Does he know you feel insecure and vunerable? Why was the tax bill a surprise rather than something planned for?
My now-dh and I have talked about our move for awhile. I''ve told him I''m scared of being isolated and lonely, that I''m scared I''ll get depressed in the climate, and a bunch of other things. We''ve come up with answers and plans together, including things that will take a compromise on his part. We''re partners.

You have two choices. Leave or have an honest talk with your bf. If you don''t think you can tell him the root of what''s bothering you without being accusitory, and if you don''t think you can tell him what would make you feel better about the situation and ask for his help ... Then you should leave. Ask him to buy out your share of the house and move back to your home area!

Sorry for being harsh but that''s the deal. Either both of you guys start acting like equal partners or you should spilt up before you waste anymore time and energy into this relationship.

 

[NYCsparkle]

re-think your relationship. are you really just lonely there or is it because you want more than it seems he''s willing to give you right now? what exactly did he say when you told him you aren''t happy? how long are you willing to be unhappy there? i was in your situation and i left. i realized i''d never be happy living there even with a commitment, which he wanted. what is going to make you happy? i wish you the best.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 4/6/2007 5:28:31 AM
Author:hazel_eyes
Hi there everyone.

I''m totally new to the forum and have been reading up on rocky talky and show me the ring threads for a few weeks now.
Here''s my story. I''ve been going out with my bf for nearly 4 years now.
I owned a house in the city where we used to live, and he moved in with me a year and a half ago. I sold that house last year to move with him to his home town and buy a place together. We''ve been in our new place since before Christmas 2006.
I can''t seem to settle in this place. I''m lonely. I gave up alot of things to move here for ''us''. I only know a few people down here, and they''re all his friends and family.
I''ve got a good job here, but its not the kind of place you''re likely to make friends.
So........I told my bf that I''m not happy. That I thought things would play out differently. That it''s ok for him, he gets all the advantages of us moving here...someone to cook and clean and all his friends and family around him. What advantages do I get?
We''ve talked previously about the whole marriage and kids thing, and I really expected he would''ve proposed by now. I feel like I have no security at all. Am I being unreasonable?
Now he tells me that he''ll have a big tax bill to pay when he inherits his fathers business. So where does that leave us? Nowhere. He says he''s gonna propose before the end of September. I pointed out that I don''t want to do that if it means I''ll have to get a fake ring. So he''s not gonna do it now. I''ll be a lady in waiting for years to come and he seems fine with that. Well I''m not. I''m nearly 30 already. What am I gonna do?

My situation is somewhat similar to yours, hazel eyes. About 6 years ago I was living in Indianapolis on my own, had a great post-college job, and carefree lifestyle with great friends and was only about 1.5 hrs. away from my immediate family. One fateful night I was in Chicago about 3.5 hrs away and met my now husband...I moved to Chicago to pursue a life with him, not knowing a soul, but found a better job and his circle of friends and his family all fell in love with me and I with them. There are definitely times, though, when I have started to feel resentful and that I gave up a lot so that he could stay in his comfort zone, and I also felt sometimes (and still do although not as often) that I was the one making all the sacrifices for the relationship. The cleaning/cooking thing will go on forever, I think. I honestly have my own standard of "clean" and we''ve had three different housecleaning co''s come in and clean over the last couple years and none of them were up to par in my book, lol! So that I deal with on a day to day basis. My DH is very willing to do household chores, he just asks that I ask him specifically to do certain things because he doesn''t always remember (bringing his laundry downstairs, cleaning up the kitchen after himself, etc.) and it seems to work out ok. I just get tired of having to ask now, but that''s my problem.

As far as loneliness, although his friends'' wives and girlfriends have been so great to me and a lot of them have become good friends of mine, I have taken the initiative to develop friends of my own, whether they''ve been people I''ve met through these wives or work, or activities I''ve gotten involved in, or even the internet meetup groups I''ve discovered. I joined a women''s only gym and did a Breast Cancer Walk last spring, and I''ve done another cancer walk on a smaller level in our own neighborhood...my point here is you need to get involved in activities, make friends, take initiative, all that good stuff. Join your local friends of the library, it''s a great way to meet people also. This way, you have your own life going on outside of his/your network together, so you won''t feel so resentful that everything seems to be "his."

As for the ring, or engagement...what''s to stop you two from just going off somewhere and eloping and having a reception later, or buying a ring you really want somewhere down the road? Life doesn''t necessarily have to follow this a,b,c path, it can go c,a,b, or whatever other combo! No path is necessarily the "right" path, is what I''m trying to say. If you are really in love with each other and it''s meant to be, that is what matters most, not that you got your dream ring and had a fabulous expensive wedding before you turned 30 and had 2.2 kids with a great house by the time you''re 32. I think it''s good that you came here to vent about your situation, though, it''s always nice to get perspective here on PS. I also think what you''re experiencing and feeling is very normal and that you are not being unreasonable. You just need to take a long hard look at your priorities in life and decide what''s most important to you, and then decide what YOU are going to do about it. Lady Kemma is right, a lot of times we women inadvertantly put men in control of our lives, and it leaves us feeling like something''s missing, and it doesn''t have to be that way. You can very much be in control of how your life goes, it''s all about the choices you make. Good luck to you!

 

[hazel_eyes]

Guys, thank you all so much for your input. It has given me much needed perspective.
I had a good chat with the bf over the weekend, and I expressed everything I was feeling, and why, in a calm manner. We''ve agreed to hire a housekeeper, and I''m going to go to gym classes with a girl from work. Also, I''m looking into further education. I''m bound to meet friends there.
I realise now that I have to take charge of how my life goes. I think I was wallowing a bit last week, but I''m getting it all sorted out now.
Bf also told me that he''s had a plan for ages of the day and location where he''s going to propose to me! Its this year sometime, that''s all he''ll say. But that''s more than I needed so I''m happy. The tax bill is a bit of a surprise, so we''ve agreed on a fake in a nice setting to be replaced in a couple of years.
Again, thanks for all your great advice ladies. Much appreciated.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 4/10/2007 5:20:47 AM
Author: hazel_eyes
Guys, thank you all so much for your input. It has given me much needed perspective.
I had a good chat with the bf over the weekend, and I expressed everything I was feeling, and why, in a calm manner. We''ve agreed to hire a housekeeper, and I''m going to go to gym classes with a girl from work. Also, I''m looking into further education. I''m bound to meet friends there.
I realise now that I have to take charge of how my life goes. I think I was wallowing a bit last week, but I''m getting it all sorted out now.
Bf also told me that he''s had a plan for ages of the day and location where he''s going to propose to me! Its this year sometime, that''s all he''ll say. But that''s more than I needed so I''m happy. The tax bill is a bit of a surprise, so we''ve agreed on a fake in a nice setting to be replaced in a couple of years.
Again, thanks for all your great advice ladies. Much appreciated.

I hadn''t seen the first post, but I''m very impressed with the outcome! I firmly believe that we are in charge of our own happiness, so go girl for taking charge! It''s amazing how we can get such great result when we ask for advice and receive it with an open mind, and communicate clearly with our partner.

Good luck with all your projects, hazel_eyes!

 

[diamondfan]

You have done a lot in a couple of days!

I know it is hard to feel you have given up so much, compounded by feeling lonely. It is easy for resentments to build, especially if there is a lack of communication. I am so glad that you sat down and spoke calmly, instead of letting yourself get all upset and having things escalate. As long as you two are on the same page, things can usually be resolved. Hate cleaning? Housekeeper. Lonely? Find some YOU things and make them a priority. Tax bills? Unexepcted expenses? Totally part of life, and so just something to deal with together.

I hope you continue to feel empowered and positive, and when you find yourself feeling otherwise, talk, do not let it fester!