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What would you do?

House Cat

House Cat

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
4,602
One of my 16 year old son’s friends was raped. She has a very tumultuous relationship with her mom. It borders abusive. She doesn’t want to tell her mom about the rape because she is convinced that her mom will tell her that it was her fault. She has reported the rape to the police anonymously but nothing is being done about it. Now she wants to make an actual police report. She doesn’t have a ride to the police station. She and my son are asking me to take her. I would like to help her but I don’t like the idea of getting involved in a family with an abusive mom. I suggested the kids take the bus.

Would you help this girl or stay out of it?
 
@House Cat - would you kindly identify your concerns re the abusive mom that are giving you pause about chauffeuring the teens to make the report vs having them take a bus?
 
I would absolutely take anyone who wanted to make a police report. You don't have to be involved, but a crime was committed and she's just asking for her day in court which is fair. I personally would stay to make sure she's ok, and taken seriously but if you're uncomfortable with it you could always just drop them off.

Sadly many young girls who are raped are told that it's their fault by close family, so she is likely right. She knows her mom.

I honestly am not sure why you wouldn't take her. I get not wanting to involve yourself in another family's "drama", but this isn't that. This is just a ride so a young girl who had so much taken from her can report it and fight for her day in court. If you don't do this, it might make her feel like she has no one or that nobody believes her. She needs that more than anything right now. If after hearing replies from this thread it still makes you uncomfortable, I would arrange a ride. This is important for her.
 
I would take her. She needs as much emotional support as humanly possible right now. Her life as she knows it is forever changed. I would encourage her to seek counseling.

She needs to have a rape kit performed.
 
I'd take her. Period.

"Not wanting to get involved" is why a lot of bad things happen.
 
If the reasons for you not getting involved are protective of the girl - I’d ask her what she thought about the risks to her that you fear.

if the reasons for not getting involved are protective of anyone other than the girl -
I would ask myself ‘what if this child were my own and for some reason my child couldn’t come to me’. How would I wish the adult, that my child did choose to trust and ask for help, to proceed?
 
Asscherhalo_lover said:
Please add a trigger warning to the topic headline, I was not expecting to see this. FWIW I'm a mandated reporter, I would absolutely take her.
Click to expand...

I can no longer edit the topic. Go ahead and report it.
 
House Cat said:
Someone’s triggered feelings are much more important than a newly raped girl and how to help her.
Click to expand...

That's snarky. You came to an internet forum about jewelry to ask whether you should take a raped teenager to the police because you don't want to get involved with an abusive mother. Fer cripes sake, HC.
 
I would help her, then I would tell my son I was proud of him for being a good friend.
 
You can help her, woman to woman. We need to support each other when we can especially when it is in such traumatic circumstances.
She needs you. Her mother's wrath is irrelevant in the face of that need.
Your instinct is a true one, follow it.
Be her shield.
 
Help her. Just, be prepared that the police *might* be disappointing for her.

I will be frank, I expect it will be very difficult to get results if she is reporting rape weeks or months later. Without physical evidence...:((

...I only have anecdotal evidence to go off of so want to caveat. But it's terribly unfair to victims, many of whom are too scared to report right away...

If she needs to do this to regain a sense of control, she should. It may help her heal to admit to a police officer that something terrible happened to her. Just...be prepared. Hopefully they can help.
 
Matata said:
That's snarky. You came to an internet forum about jewelry to ask whether you should take a raped teenager to the police because you don't want to get involved with an abusive mother. Fer cripes sake, HC.
Click to expand...

I deleted that comment for that reason.
 
You've not yet indicated what concerns you have, @House Cat & I don't know how recently this happened. But I'd like to share my thoughts about another aspect of your original post that I didn't have time to address earlier. That is: I'm not sure that the local police station is the best destination for this particular purpose. For example, the closest precinct station to my NYC home is not where the Crimes Against Persons detectives squad for my borough is headquartered. So you wouldn't find any of those detectives at my local stationhouse & going there would not be immediately productive. And frankly, I have yet to see a stationhouse (even in rural sections of NY) with a warm, inviting atmosphere upon entering.

I have no idea where you live, but if your local District Attorney's Office has a Special Victims Unit (should be listed on the Office's web site) that would be my recommendation for where she should start. Think the development of those units -- and Victims Services, which were a non-existent component of a DA's Office and localities in general, except on the most rudimentary & informal/ad hoc level when I began my career as a prosecutor years ago -- is the most gratifying aspect of my professional life. For example, here are web pages from the Brooklyn (Kings County) DA's Office to give you an idea of what's available at the 5 DA's Offices in NYC:

SPECIAL VICTIMS BUREAU – The Brooklyn District Attorney's Office

www.brooklynda.org www.brooklynda.org

VICTIM SERVICES UNIT – The Brooklyn District Attorney's Office

www.brooklynda.org www.brooklynda.org
Granted, not every DA's Office in the USA is going to be as well positioned-well staffed, but think she should consider going to the DA's Office regardless. Best if she calls first, so she's not left cooling her heels while waiting for the appropriate staff member(s) to see her.

My advice might be different, however, if I knew how recently the assault happened.

Special, tender thoughts for her, and your son, tonight and in the days ahead ~ Molly
 
@House Cat - I'm sorry that you are presented with such a difficult situation. However, without second thought I would take her and try to help her as much as possible. She most likely needs a bit of adult support - a mother figure to hug her and tell her that it will be ok. I know you will do what's right for you and your family. My heart and prayers for this young lady.
 
I would help her in a heartbeat anyway I could.
Prayers are outgoing.
 
I’d drive her. I can understand not wanting to get in the middle of another family’s private matter, but from what you’ve shared it doesn’t seem like that’s the situation. I am having a hard time understanding your hesitation, so perhaps there are more details I’m missing.

Ditto to the posters who mentioned that police dept. might not be fully helpful for her. If it were me I’d help with the ride and also look into some local counseling/women’s group resources to share.
 
I would drive her to the hospital if recent and to the police if not. It may be unpleasant, but she felt safe speaking with you. I would also be ready to have her stay in the house if needed and file protection ordered if it comes to that. You can follow up with a family law attorney if needed (if it were to come to her needing to stay with you) and be prepared to help from the sidelines if she ends up having to stay with her unsupportive mother. She will have enough trauma ahead with reporting. Best she have someone she can turn to along with her.
 
Police all the way. I get the sense that this young woman knows the perpetrator. (Otherwise what would the possible point be of her "anonymous" reporting?)

Family member had a bad experience as a preteen (but not this bad). Our local medical professionals (crisis center) were very empathetic and helpful. They gave her a little hand-made blanket that volunteers had donated. She kept it for years and years.
 
If someone I know asked me for help such as this scenario, I would not hesitate to help.

DK =)2
 
I would definitely take her, and if she needed someone to stay with her during the interview and subsequent examination, I would offer to be there.
 
I’d offer all the support possible. This kid is definitely in the vulnerable category for all the reasons described. I might encourage her to confide in an authority figure who knows about child protection, such as a teacher or family doctor.
 
Yep, I would do whatever she needed me to do for her right now. She needs help & she clearly can't get that from her own mother.
 
I would take her. I would not want her to go by public transport. She has been traumatized and it would be helpful to have an adult in her life she can trust and lean on for support. I understand you don't want to do this behind her parents back but it seems she is in a challenging family situation bordering abusive as you write. She is in desperate need of help. I am sorry for her and glad she has your son and you to lean on and to support her through this. And with your help she can get the necessary professional help she needs. Sending you all best wishes and healing vibes.
 
You are already involved, by virtue of your son being one of her confidantes. Possibly her only confidante.

At this point there seems to be little to lose but potentially lots to gain by taking her. Being shunned by trusted adults must be a terrible and heartbreaking way to start a journey to recovery.

I'm so sorry for all of you. Her most of all. I hope she is able to find herself, and the closure she's needing.
 
Thank you everyone. I’m going to help her. I see now that the mom factor is minor compared to getting her the help she needs.
 
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