what to do with the FSIL...

[glitterazzi]

I''m going to leave as much emotion and "vent" out of this as I can. The bottom line is - I need a job, or title really, for my FSIL''s. My brother is standing up with DF and his sisters are hurt that they are not standing up with me. We get along well, but don''t really know each other that well. They don''t want a ceremony "filler" position - reading, etc. What do I do that''s not a "bitch" job AKA: personal attendant (I''m fairly certain they don''t want to tend to me all day). I don''t want to insult them with a "band-aid" position - I want them to know I''m sincere, and want them to feel included. Help!?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I would just tell them that anyone in bridal party on the groom''s side are also in his family while bridesmaids that are family are also family on your side. That is what we told people when they asked us. I''m up to 6 bridesmaids, no way could I add more bridesmaids from his side!!

 

[Deelight]

If you don''t already have one - MC, providing they are good public speakers it could be a shared position possibly.

My other suggestion would be ushers but that is kind of a fill in position as well.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I don''t know what to tell you, but I can offer my condolences. I''m in almost the same boat. My fi is asking his BIL to be a groomsman, their son is going to be a flower girl, but I don''t know what to do about his sister. I mean, she''s thirteen years older than me so it would be odd to have her as a bridesmaid, and I don''t know her that well. Oy

 

[meresal]

We decided all family or no family... I'm not sure what to tell you. It seems that if FI asked your brother, you should have his sister in the wedding, as a BM.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

What about offering her the role of usher? Different, I know...but it can be pleasently disarming to have a woman show you to your seat...

 

[ice-queen]

I''m with Meresal...If he asked your brother to be a groomsman, it doesn''t seem right you that you haven''t asked his sisters to be bridesmaids. In my opinion, it just looks bad. And considering that you don''t know them all that well, you don''t want to get off on the wrong foot.

My SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid in her/my brother''s wedding and, honestly, it never occured to me that she may NOT have asked me. I would have been very hurt to have not been a part of my brothers wedding. Honestly, even though I was HER bridesmaid...I saw it more as being part of the wedding party in MY BROTHER''S wedding. I think it makes mores sense to look at it in terms of a collective wedding party...and not simply your bridesmaids and his groomsmen.

Additionally, when my SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid in her/my brother''s wedding, I did not know her very well either (although just as you said, we got along well). BUT through that experience, we got to know eachother so much better and actually came away as friends. So...even thought you may not know them well now, it might be a great chance to get closer.

 

[bee*]

I kind of agree with Meresal too. I''m having D''s sister as a BM. I can understand if he has a couple of sisters that may be difficult to involve them all but there must be one that you get along with better that you could ask? I can understand that they might be a little disappointed that they won''t be in their brothers wedding.

 

[palomablancabride]

DH and I had a small wedding, in a small chapel, and we decided on two attendants each. My sister has been rather estranged from the family for over a decade now and I have not been close to her at all since we were very young, though our relations are improving. I know my mother wanted her to be in the wedding, but I just wouldn''t have felt right/comfortable with her in a BM role. DH didn''t ask my brother to be a GM since they aren''t really close either, and it turned out he was in Iraq at the time of our wedding. DH has two stepsisters that I don''t know well and I didn''t feel compelled to ask either one of them to be a BM, though we did ask the one he is closest to to be a reader.

I don''t necessarily agree with this whole they''re family they have to be in the wedding party philosophy.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/6/2009 12:57:03 PM
Author: palomablancabride

I don''t necessarily agree with this whole they''re family they have to be in the wedding party philosophy.

I don''t believe that if they''re family they have to be in the wedding... however, I find in only very FEW circumstances is it ok to ask one without asking all.

In my case, FI''s bro will be his Best Man, and his sister will be one of my BM''s. The difficulty came when we were deciding between asking my brother/sisters.(I should also add that my siblings ages range from 35 to 39). I have a very close relationship with my brother, but not so much with my sisters, but there are no hard feelings, just didn''t relate growing up. In conclusion, we decided, if I asked my brother, then sisters would be asked as well.

Just seems fare IMO.

Is there any specific reason they can''t be a BM? Can you make them wedding party, and have them hand out programs at the front of the ceremony?

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 1/6/2009 12:22:21 PM
Author: ice-queen
I'm with Meresal...If he asked your brother to be a groomsman, it doesn't seem right you that you haven't asked his sisters to be bridesmaids. In my opinion, it just looks bad. And considering that you don't know them all that well, you don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

My SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid in her/my brother's wedding and, honestly, it never occured to me that she may NOT have asked me. I would have been very hurt to have not been a part of my brothers wedding. Honestly, even though I was HER bridesmaid...I saw it more as being part of the wedding party in MY BROTHER'S wedding. I think it makes mores sense to look at it in terms of a collective wedding party...and not simply your bridesmaids and his groomsmen.

Additionally, when my SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid in her/my brother's wedding, I did not know her very well either (although just as you said, we got along well). BUT through that experience, we got to know eachother so much better and actually came away as friends. So...even thought you may not know them well now, it might be a great chance to get closer.

I most agree with ice-queen. It actually seems like a really cool idea to me to think of it as a collective wedding party. More like his family's there for both of you, and yours are there for both of you (not just for one or the other). And all the girls just happen to wear dresses, and all the guys wear suits. I even think it'd be a neat thing to spread them out on the sides if you're open to something different - put guys and girls on BOTH sides of you, not just all girls with you and all guys with him. Or along that idea you could put all his family on his side, and all yours on your side. Then his sisters would still be there but it wouldn't seem as much that they're "your" maids, and your brother there on your side as part of your family. Just a cool thought, I think.

If you did something along those lines, I also agree that it could be a chance to get closer to them, (unless you've already tried and they're not people you want to do that with).

And a final thought... if you're not up for any of that, I agree with the comment about handing out programs. I was asked to do this for a high school/college friend's wedding - I knew them well but not well enough to be in the wedding party, so another girl and I were asked to hand out programs and direct people at the front. The groomsmen ushered everyone in, but we were there to make sure they signed the guest book and got programs, and to make sure the programs went out in steady streams so there were enough left for everyone. So I think program hander-outers or even female ushers would be neat ideas. I don't think they're filler jobs at all - most people like to help out, plus this sort of job has no other commitments!

ETA: I however don't necessarily think that just b/c your brother's in it, the sisters should be though. I see where people come from with this, but I'd rather have people up there who I am close to. BUT I say that from the point of view that they're there for ME and his would be there for HIM. If you decide to use the standpoint of a communal bridal party, then I'd say by all means let the sisters be up there for him.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/6/2009 12:16:04 AM
Author:glitterazzi
My brother is standing up with DF and his sisters are hurt that they are not standing up with me.

Seriously?? This actually happens? Sheesh, I guess that's why my brother's fiance asked me to be in her BP. I was so confused. I went through a very confused day after she asked me, "Really? I'm not her family, or a close friend, or much of a friend at all yet she wants me to be a bridesmaid?!!"

Anyway, hmm... a position? And there are two of them? Do they have any talents that you could utilize, musical that could be used in the ceremony, or maybe one is a great speaker and you could ask them to do a reading?

If they're gonna make a stink about it maybe it would be best to have them as BMs. I admit though that I DO NOT GET this weird "fair is fair" approach to bridal parties. It's not about including people, it's about celebrating relationships. If the relationship isn't there, the person shouldn't be included. I guess that's also why we were okay with equal sides... none of this adding extra whoevers for the sake of symmetry.

Then again, my family has never been one of those "well, if you give bobby a ______ then you'll have to give susie one, too." There was no jealousy, or sense of entitlement to equal treatment in that way.

 

[JSM]

Are his sisters a big part of his life? From the other side of the coin, I love my brother SO much and was honored that his fiance asked me to be in her bridal party. She has no siblings, and my brother has three sisters, and it was so, so gracious of her to ask us to stand with her when she marries my brother. I don''t know her well (happens when you live two states away) but we ARE family now. It certainly wasn''t required, but it meant a lot to me.

You of course don''t have to have anyone as your bridesmaid that you don''t want to. But it will mean a lot to them to include them in some way, and I''m glad you''re trying to do so!

 

[Izzy03]

Because your relationship with your fiance's sisters is good, you really should ask them to be bridesmaids. After all, it is also THEIR brothers wedding, not just yours.

Besides, that saying about you "marry the person, not their family" is a load of crap. Unless he cuts his family out of his life, they WILL be a part of yours. You don't want them to resent you for this.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hmm...are you, by any chance (or have you considered) having a photo guestbook with polaroid pics of all the guests? That would be a cool thing for them to do at your wedding...