What sort of relationship do you have with your in-laws?

[princesss]

Not married, but can I use my BF''s family as an example?

I get along really well with his parents. Honestly, if I had to pick new parents and my own weren''t an option for some reason, I''d pick them. They''re really sweet people, very smart, very funny, and I genuinely enjoy their company. I don''t call them just to chat (actually, I think I''ve called them once in almost 5 years, and that''s because BF was sick), but I only chat with my own parents about once every other week. I have stayed with them without him, though, and would gladly go out for coffee or shopping with his mom. Heck, she, my mom, my best friend and I hung out a year or two ago and had a great time.

His sisters are a little different. I like one of them - I wouldn''t go out of my way to hang out, but if I''m in town I''ll stop by her job to say hi. The other sister.....well, I like one of his sisters!

 

[Haven]

My FIL and I have a good relationship. He''s had his moments when he was less than kind to us, but he''s an ill man and he lost his wife in 2002 so I give him a lot of slack.

We see him at least once a week for dinner, we either have him and his girlfriend over to the house, or we go out to dinner with them. I call him "dad" and he is very sweet to me, we generally have a nice time when we''re all together.

We don''t talk on the phone or anything, but we do have great conversations when we''re together. I try very hard to get together with my FIL and with DH''s brother and his brother''s kids as much as possible. DH lost his mom unexpectedly, and that really affected him, so I think it''s important to take advantage of the time we have with his father while we have it.

I don''t think it''s uncommon to have a polite yet distant relationship with your MIL. My married friends who do have living MILs have polite yet distant relationships at best, and volatile and definitely not polite relationships at worst.

 

[kama_s]

I didn''t want to write in this thread earlier, because i didn''t want to take away from the OP''s post. I have a really good relationship with my IL''s, which I''m so thankful for. I call my MIL all the time just to talk, and she does the same (Mind you, I''m NOT a phone person, I don''t even talk to my closest friends on the phone. The only one exception is my MIL). She e-mails me more than she e-mails her two sons. And we love hanging out together. We go shopping, browse art galleries, go for lunch, musicals etc and have a great time together.

That said, I do not talk to my ow mother. Another reason I''m grateful to have my MIL in my life!

 

[KimberlyH]

My MIL passed away 6 months after we were married; my FIL died when my husband was 19, I never met him. From the time I moved near my husband until she died I visited her almost every day, mostly with my husband present. She was elderly (85-87 years old when I knew her) and had late stage Alzheimer''s. We ate dinner with her most nights and when she was moved to an assisted living facility in the final year of her life we stopped by daily to check on and visit with her. I think had she been younger and not sick we would have been friendly but I wouldn''t have spent nearly the amount of time I did with her. I am so thankful to have been given the chance to know her, even if it was while she was so sick. I believe she loved me and I know I love(d) her very much. I miss her every day and wish the daughter I''m pregnant with could know her.

My husband gets along really well with my dad, my sister, and my brother-in-law (sister''s husband). He and my mom like have a lot of respect for one another but they are very different and have a hard time understanding one another. My husband makes a concerted effort to engage with her and their relationship seems to be growing into something very positive over time.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 11/30/2009 7:11:15 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Before I got pregnant I thought I won the inlaw lottery. Don''t get me wrong they are nice people but they will never be my parents. I will never fully understand their ways. I would classify his family as having hidden dysfunction. They treat their children different. Say things differently (*ahem* passive aggressive anyone?) Their sense of humor is different. I TRY to let things go and not take things personally (like my FIL living her for 6 months and never inviting us over, out to dinner, offer to babysit, etc...) because what''s the point? They will never change so I must. At the end of the day it just makes me SO grateful for my wonderful family. My inlaws helped me see how great they are.

Hahahaha! That''s how I''d describe my in-laws too.

I generally get along with my MIL and FIL, although things have been a bit strained lately. We moved in with them last September (long story) and it was always a short term thing. We wanted to save for a house, and we did, but not nearly as much as we''d hoped. We lived with them for 13 months and it was really hard for me. It was nice having help with our son but my MIL and I are just different people. Towards the end of our stay I was really starting to worry that my marriage was falling apart, so DH and I took the money we managed to save and bought our first place. As much as I appreciate the in-laws helping us out in a time of need, I will say that it is SO NICE having my own space back! Like Tacori''s in-laws, they treat their 6 children differently and are very passive aggressive. MIL is also a huge gossip so it''s best to not say anything to her that you don''t want repeated.

I will say that my one SIL and I used to totally not get along but we''ve became friends over the years and I like that. I guess it makes me feel included. She''s moving to Las Vegas this week though and I''ll miss her which is something I never thought I''d say about her.

 

[partgypsy]

I love my husband''s parents and they do treat me as one of the family. But I guess like all family member my MIL can drive me crazy!!! If you read through my threads you have heard how one time my MIL bought a gift for my daughter that both my husband and I basically told her not to give, and was like WWIII when she heard I returned it.

Apparently tonight is an example. So my daughter''s b-day is this week. I made certain decisions about the party, including as alot of kids were coming that were were not having a typical sit down meal (as there is no room to seat everyone at once) but heavy appetizers people could carry around. And as my daughter hates the store bought heavily iced cakes, she requested a carrot cake. My daughter has already warned a number of kids that''s she''s going to have that so it won''t be a surprise (we will also have fruit and chocolate and vanilla ice cream). The cake also goes along with a theme, and I had gotten the materials to decorate the top so it will look like a rabbit''s face. My husband on his trip forgets to get the cake. My MIL asks my husband what she could do, and my husband says get a (round) carrot cake, agreeing on a specific store. So what does she do? She gets 2 giant sheet cakes from some random store, the kind with intense and heavy multicolored icing, explaining her decision "oh the kids won''t eat carrot cake". She also asked when she should call to come by tomorrow to help with cleaning. After I say I cleaned the all day day Sunday she says, "well it''s not really dirty, it''s just..." Anyways by the time she left I was in a horrible mood. I really wished my husband just said all you need to do is show up for the party, because maybe we are a little different the way we do things, but I''d rather have people understand that, than someone looking over my shoulder and second guessing my choices (even though I know she is trying to be helpful and well-meaning)!


OK rant over.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I''ve known my inlaws since I was 5 years old. My MIL babysat me and my SIL was my best friend in kinder etc. and we stayed in touch over the years. If you recall ''were you a problem child'' thread - I really was and it was hard for my MIL to realize I''d grown up. She also didn''t approve of us getting married so early. Before we got together she would introduce me as her daughter and then I got demoted to daughter in law lol

Now I know they love me, they know they''re stuck with me, and I love them. I worry about living too close because they live so differently from us and spillover concerns me. They''re all much more into drama than I am. I hate personal drama. I avoid people who like it, I am just not a gossipmonger trouble maker. I create drama in my life by moving to other countries lol

But to focus it more to your question - I don''t think there IS a norm. Some situations are better than we could expect and others are worse than we ever feared. I don''t think there is a baseline to shoot for other than maybe peaceful.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I thought I''d add.... it''s tough the whole son cleaving unto his wife thing. It is normal and natural for the guy to leave his mom and create a new home with you and it is normal and natural for the new wife to want to establish boundaries and maybe even look for reasons to create them and it is normal and natural for the mom to feel threatened by that and push them.

The best thing you can do is acknowledge them and try to work with them. I didn''t realize how much I was like that until I had sons and realized some day a woman would "take them away" and since then I''m always (to my husband) call your mom! go give your mom a hug! I bet she''d like to cuddle with you for old time''s sake!! LOL

I don''t know that you should be a friend, but the closer your relationship is with her, the better, truly. Work on it

 

[trillionaire]

Interesting question!

My FIL''s are great, and I feel so fortunate! They are very close with FI, though they don''t talk everyday, and they are young and vibrant (a decade younger than my folks), so it''s fun to talk to them on Facebook and Skype, lol! FI and I live across the country, so there''s no real chance to just hang out or drop in, but when we do make it out to visit his parents (about once a year), I make sure to do girly stuff with his mom, like shopping, mani/pedis, going to the winery, or cooking/sharing recipes. His mom is super lovely and easy, now I am just trying to incorporate FSIL into the fold, which is a little harder, but getting better (we''re just really different). I do call the FIL''s just to chat, but not often. Probably once every 3 months, or for holidays and birthdays, etc. or after a big trip or event. I really look forward to talking to and seeing his family, there is no strain at all. Likewise, my family loves to tease and be playful with FI. They''ve spent enough time with him that they are totally themselves, and it is quite hilarious with all of the back and forth between everyone. My parents definitely call him ''son,'' which surprised me, but I''m happy about it. I really want to do a dual family vacation!

I might be crazy, but I think it would be fun!!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 12/1/2009 11:20:43 AM
Author: trillionaire
I really want to do a dual family vacation!

I might be crazy, but I think it would be fun!!!

I used to think that too. Haha.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/1/2009 12:19:19 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 12/1/2009 11:20:43 AM
Author: trillionaire
I really want to do a dual family vacation!

I might be crazy, but I think it would be fun!!!

I used to think that too. Haha.

LOL, I totally concede that this is one of those things that sounds better in your head that in reality. My family spent a few days over the holidays with his family 2 years ago, and everything was perfect. I totally think we could pull off a beach vacay and everyone would have a good time. Everyone is really easy going, and the personalities are all nicely suited. FSIL would be the wild card... and the niece and nephew. Cranky kids and babies = no bueno, since I''m used to vacationing with adults. My dad loves kids though!

 

[winternight]

We get along ok, definitely things have been getting better over the years. Mainly its just that we''re so different, different interests etc, so I can''t imagine really hanging out with MIL and shopping or getting our nails done or other girly stuff. Too bad, since my mom isn''t so crazy about that stuff either.

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/1/2009 12:48:37 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 12/1/2009 12:19:19 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 12/1/2009 11:20:43 AM

Author: trillionaire

I really want to do a dual family vacation!

I might be crazy, but I think it would be fun!!!

I used to think that too. Haha.

LOL, I totally concede that this is one of those things that sounds better in your head that in reality. My family spent a few days over the holidays with his family 2 years ago, and everything was perfect. I totally think we could pull off a beach vacay and everyone would have a good time. Everyone is really easy going, and the personalities are all nicely suited. FSIL would be the wild card... and the niece and nephew. Cranky kids and babies = no bueno, since I''m used to vacationing with adults. My dad loves kids though!

We''ve done this and it was good-another week of it and we probably would have killed each other though! Everyone seemed to have a great time though and we''re probably doing it again next year.

 

[dragonfly411]

I don''t have legit in laws. BUT SO''s mom and I are two peas in a pod. She''s a country girl like me, loves horses like me, loves to be outside like me, loves to cook like me, is a softie when she sees strays... like me... so unhealthy lol. We''re very similar, same tastes same movie interests, both like reading, both love to learn.


SO''s father and I were just starting to get close... I hope he knew how much I truly enjoyed him.

 

[HollyS]

I tolerate my MIL.

She thinks I''m wonderful. If only because her son is happy. Works for me.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

My husband has an interesting family. I like to think I can get along with everyone, and while I love my ILs, I have definite moments of discomfort. Still. After nearly 8 years. I love them all, but forget hidden dysfunction - these people have it all out in the open!

My FIL and MIL divorced when my husband was 13 - a couple of years after she had a bout with breast cancer, a mastectomy, a ruptured reconstructive implant, and then spiraled down the road to traumatically induced paranoid schizophrenia. She retreated into a world in which her husband (my FIL) was plotting against her (in her mind), the government implanted microchips into everything from contact lenses to La-Z-Boys, and the only people on her side were her children (my husband and his sister).

FIL remarried a couple of years later. My StepMIL is a sweet woman, but she's incredibly difficult to start a conversation with. I think I am much too outgoing for their comfort level. I was raised on the West Coast, by educators, and my political and social leaning is in stark contrast to my FIL and StepMIL who are conservative and very reserved Texans. I have pleasant conversations about mostly shallow subjects with my ILs, but I always feel like the one person in the room driving the conversation, so it gets stressful, and often times, uncomfortable.

Luckily, MIL can put on a sane face 2-4 times a year just long enough for a 2-3 hour visit. We catch up with what we've been up to, and hopefully clean up the dinner plates before MIL can dig out her book of Native American leaders and ask DH to write various letters to lawyers to grant her permission to live on a reservation, all the while insisting that she doesn't need her contacts because of the microchips. I wish I had hours - I would type up some of her stories . . . depressing that she lives in a world of such grand illusions, but she has an interesting and unique perspective, that I can't help but be fascinated when she decides to send us on a "mission".

My SIL is awesome, and so is my nephew. Not as much a fan of her husband, but he's an amazing chef.

 

[wsu12]

They made me realize how wonderful my family really is

I''m thankful for this post because I thought I was the only one stuck with the "lemon" in-laws.

 

[zhuzhu]

I wish parent-in-laws in general will respect their adult children''s decisions with life. I think the problems come when they try to interfere with the decisions their children and spouse made together.

When parent in-laws offer advices against what has already been decided, it just sounds like bothersome interference to their children in-laws.

 

[MissMina]

I am so glad that I read this thread.
Ever since I realized that I wasn''t going to have a biological daughter, I have been looking forward to having a close relationship with my future DIL.
My son''s girlfriends have always called me Mom, conversed via phone or email and generally seemed comfortable with me
In our family it is not unusual for a MIL and DIL to go shopping or to the movies together. not to usurp the mother role but to build a relationship of their own.
So it was a big surprise to see so many express the opposite viewpoint. But I am glad they did and I see that I will need to change my expectations. There is no one in the picture right now but I will start fresh with the next one.

I thank you all for enlightening me.