What sort of relationship do you have with your in-laws?

[setell]

I don''t know if it''s a question that''s too personal but I''m curious what type of relationship is "normal" and what others relationship is like. Personally, I am nice to my future MIL and FIL''s but I cannot for the love of me hang out with them. My mom grew up with the notion that your daughter in-law is your daughter and treat her as one. She keeps trying to get me to "open" up to my FMIL by hanging out with her like going to movies, shopping etc. My mom is shocked how I don''t call neither of the in-laws (we don''t live in the same city). I just don''t see the point as we got nothing to really talk about. I don''t see her calling me just to chat! My FMIL makes me nervous at times as she''s done a few things where I consider it a bit shady and out of it. One incident is listening outside the bedroom door when my fiancee and I were in his room back when we were dating (god knows how long she was there...thank god we weren''t doing anything kinky). Somehow after a few of those incidents and others I can''t see myself hanging out with her and she makes me nervous. I am nice to her but cannot really not let my guard down at times. I was ready to try to let my guard down till recently. She''s a dog owner and she did not say one word of comfort to me after the death of my cat 3 weeks ago. Somehow, it gets me really really upset as she knows how much my cat means to me. I feel petty how I want her to offer me comfort but part of me don''t consider it petty.

Sorry for the rant. ''sigh'' been a rough few weeks emotionally.

 

[yssie]

Oh, that sounds rather miserable

.



I love my FILs! They're like my second family. I visit them to "hang out" every time I'm back East, with or without FI, call to chat with FMIL and FFIL at least once every few days, email FSIL... I'm very comfortable around them, they've made me feel very welcome, and always assure me that 'I'm family'. My parents think of FI the same way

.



When one of our cats was very sick earlier in the year all four parents were wonderful, offering to help us with flight plans/vet bills, calling to check up, etc. I can't imagine how it would feel to have the passing of a loved one not even acknowledged

. I hope things get better for you, maybe the relationship just needs more time?

 

[bee*]

I get along very well with them however I wouldn''t usually ring them for a chat. I see them at least once a week as DH''s dad is always calling around to us and occasionally I''d go shopping with his mam.
That''s a pity that they didn''t acknowledge the death of your kitty-I think some people, even if they have pets themselves, just don''t think sometimes when someone else loses a pet. Doesn''t mean their bad, just different in the way they were brought up. I think if you want to be closer to them, then maybe give them a call on the phone or hang out with them a little next time you go visit them, however if you''re happy with things the way they are, then just leave them at that and tell your mam that''s how it''s going to be.

 

[April20]

My relationship with my ILs is fine. I like them. But I don''t call my MIL just to "chat" and we don''t "hang out". They live close to us and we see them probably every other month. DH probably sees them a bit more as he''ll occassionally drop into their house when he''s in the area.

I will say that my relationship with my MIL is NOT what she''d hoped and dreamed it would be. She told DH many years ago that she wanted a daughter and to "go get her one". The thing is, I already have a mother, two of them, in fact, when you count my step-mom, and I''m just not looking for another mother/daughter relationship. She hasn''t said as much, but I know it''s a disappointment to her. But it''s just something I can''t do.

 

[lilyfoot]

We aren't married, so I don't technically have in-laws, but I get along with my FMIL very well. She's been kind of busy lately so we haven't hung out in a while, but we would go to breakfast, go shopping, go out to dinner, etc. She lives 5 minutes from us, and I pass by her house on the way home from work, so sometimes I stop in to say hi and see how she's doing. She's awesome

I'm super glad we get along so well, I don't even have this type of relationship with my actual mother.

eta: FMIL has 7 children (all adult age), so her being so nice to me doesn't have anything to do with her not having daughters or anything. It's just the kind of person she is!

 

[janinegirly]

I got along with the IL when we were dating--I think b/c during that phase everyone is on their best behavior. After marriage though, it''s been quite strained. Bit of a power struggle I guess. Now everyone''s trying to be nice which is why it''s strained since it takes such effort. It''s definitely not easy. No listening outside our door though!!

 

[Lauren8211]

I have a good relationship with my inlaws. My MIL is trying *very* hard to have that mother/daughter relationship that she never had with her two boys. Both boys are married, so my SIL gives her that mother/daughter relationship more than I can. I''m just not *that* DIL. I dont hang out with my own mother, I''m not going to hang out with her. I''m super closed off and she always tries to "crack" me. Usually with wine.

She''s great. My FIL is great. They''re great people. Just not super close, don''t call them to chat or hang out with them alone.

 

[Callisto]

My relationship with my FILs is good. We don''t chat on the phone that often but we email frequently. When we were living in the same area they were we would hang out with them pretty often, which we all always enjoyed.

I have had a few instances where I didn''t feel 100% accepted like how they didn''t ask me to be in any of the professional wedding pictures when SO''s brother got married. I understand they would want just their family shots, but I thought I might get asked in to at least one picture as I had flown across the country to be there. (I talked to SO about it and he felt bad that I felt that way, and its fine now, but it hurt a little at the time).

Overall though I think we have a very good relationship. We all really enjoy spending time together. And we''re very lucky that both our parents live in the same area so they know each other quite well also and will go out to dinner or breakfast occasionally. I''m very happy with our relationships with them.

 

[anchor31]

I'm not close to my ILs. They don't like me much and seem to see me as a snob rich kid or something (which I'm not, I'm just more discreet, and according to DH, the fact that I was slightly more previledged has more to do with the way our respective parents handled their money than their actual income...). MIL has drama-queen-esque tendencies and our engagement was a nightmare, but things are a bit better since we got married. At least she's not throwing tantrums anymore. MIL and FIL's marriage has been crumbling for the last 10 years and they are constantly fighting and saying mean things to and about each other, so spending time with them can be very unpleasant. I'm not very comfortable around them and I don't make efforts to hang out with them any more then they do with me. I do make efforts to be as nice as I can with them when I do see them, though. We don't have to be close, but I figure we could at least be cordial for DH's sake.

DH is the lucky one, since my parents have welcomed him with open arms and they are very nice to him. He has a lot in common with my dad, and when we visit it's not uncommon to see them work on home-improvement projects or play video games together! Still, neither DH or my dad have called each other just to chat or hang out. DH has hung out with my brother on occasion, mostly because they were friends before DH and I met. Since we're married we mostly hang out with my brother together with his wife.

My dad had lost both his parents by the time he was 25 and he is pretty close to my grandmother, but otherwise, my family doesn't share your mother's view of IL relationships. My mom gets along with dad's brothers and sisters, but she doesn't call them. Like my mother, I tend to see marriage as the joining of two people rather than two families. My family is still my family, and his family is still his. As for DH's family philosophy, it seems to be similar. There's a lot of conflict and dislike though, so it complicates things.

Bottom line, everyone's relationships are so different and I think you should do what makes you most comfortable.


ETA: I'm sorry they didn't acknowledged the death of your kitty.

I learned of an auntie's death a couple of months ago while at my ILs' place and I was obviously crushed, but they didn't say or do anything. Just a month before, my parents had sent a card and flowers for a death in their family, so that was very disappointing.

 

[vespergirl]

I''m very lucky that I get along really well with my ILs - we hit it off right from the start, even though we''re from very different backgrounds. I think that we all really like & respect one another.

I will say that now that I''ve known my ILs for 5 years, we are definitely more comfortable around each other the more time that we''ve spent together. They are also wonderful grandparents, and have a great relationship with our son. So, even though we all immediately liked each other, it sometimes takes a little longer to really become close.

It was a totally different story with my ex MIL - she was a total psycho, and in a small way even contributed to the decline of my first marriage. A bad relationship with ILs can be devastating.

 

[setell]

Date: 11/30/2009 8:31:08 AM
Author: April20
My relationship with my ILs is fine. I like them. But I don't call my MIL just to 'chat' and we don't 'hang out'. They live close to us and we see them probably every other month. DH probably sees them a bit more as he'll occassionally drop into their house when he's in the area.

I will say that my relationship with my MIL is NOT what she'd hoped and dreamed it would be. She told DH many years ago that she wanted a daughter and to 'go get her one'. The thing is, I already have a mother, two of them, in fact, when you count my step-mom, and I'm just not looking for another mother/daughter relationship. She hasn't said as much, but I know it's a disappointment to her. But it's just something I can't do.

Thanks for all the response ladies! I was curious and I guess I’m not the odd ball. I agree with what April20 said, I already got a mom and I don’t need another daughter/mother relationship. I do everything with my mom when I was in the same city as her. I still call my mommy every other day to just chat about random things that are just weird like what I ate/she ate, how work was for both of us etc. for usually 1+ hours. It’s just one of those things where I can’t ever see myself doing stuff like that with my FMIL. I like the current relationship where we’re nice to each other and that’s it.

EDIT: we don't chat and that includes phone, msn, email etc. which is fine by me!

 

[monarch64]

SO doesn''t have any family left. One of his first comments to me about that was "that''s great, right?--no in-laws!"

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/30/2009 10:38:12 AM
Author: setell

Date: 11/30/2009 8:31:08 AM
Author: April20
My relationship with my ILs is fine. I like them. But I don''t call my MIL just to ''chat'' and we don''t ''hang out''. They live close to us and we see them probably every other month. DH probably sees them a bit more as he''ll occassionally drop into their house when he''s in the area.

I will say that my relationship with my MIL is NOT what she''d hoped and dreamed it would be. She told DH many years ago that she wanted a daughter and to ''go get her one''. The thing is, I already have a mother, two of them, in fact, when you count my step-mom, and I''m just not looking for another mother/daughter relationship. She hasn''t said as much, but I know it''s a disappointment to her. But it''s just something I can''t do.

Thanks for all the response ladies! I was curious and I guess I’m not the odd ball. I agree with what April20 said, I already got a mom and I don’t need another daughter/mother relationship. I do everything with my mom when I was in the same city as her. I still call my mommy every other day to just chat about random things that are just weird like what I ate/she ate, how work was for both of us etc. for usually 1+ hours. It’s just one of those things where I can’t ever see myself doing stuff like that with my FMIL. I like the current relationship where we’re nice to each other and that’s it.

EDIT: we don''t chat and that includes phone, msn, email etc. which is fine by me!

I have to agree with that too. I love my mom and we chat and hang out, and I don''t feel the need to do that with MIL.

 

[Bia]

I have a great relationship with my future in-laws. I try to be *that* DIL because my FI''s family is very important to him AND keeping it ''close'' makes him/them/me very happy. Sometimes his mother gets on my nerves (but my own mother does that - doesn''t mean I don''t adore her) and when she does I either remove myself or just don''t call her back. Over Thanksgiving I had to sort of put her in her place which I think she wasn''t expecting

But I made my point and that''s what matters. FI loves my family and they love him. Luckilly we both come from very affectionate/tight families, so there wasn''t much of a transition for either of us. Close-knit-in-law relationships DO come with headaches, don''t get me wrong, but the benefits outweigh the alternative, imo.

I do call my FMIL on occasion and we email frequently. We talk about hanging out more than we actually do but that''s mostly just logistical. That and the fact that we usually see them as a couple.

 

[vc10um]

Like lily, I''m not yet engaged, but after just meeting ALL of the FILs (the whole extended family!) this weekend, I can safely say that I get along with his parents, but I wouldn''t call them up "just to chat" as we don''t really have that much in common, and my SO doesn''t frequently call them up just to chat anyway! I would, however, probably be really good friends with a few of his cousins and one of his aunts if we lived closer to them. We''ll probably send eachother facebook messages on occasion and such between visits, and that will probably be enough.

I got along with them really well for a first meeting...all are relatively laid-back and easy to talk to...but like the OP, I''m not looking for another mom...mine''s pretty awesome already!!!

 

[AdiS]

Well, it used to be pretty strained, but now it''s safe to say it''s nonexistent.

DH loves my parents though, and they love him.

 

[elrohwen]

My relationship with my MIL is great. She's very nice and likes me very very much. Sure, sometimes she gets on my nerves, but mostly in the same way my own mom does. I do find it a bit hard, because with my own mom I might make jokes or call her out on something silly, but I don't feel I can do that with MIL - her kids can call her out, but I think if I did it her feelings would be hurt. She's also overly emotional and I'm afraid of saying something that will really hurt her feelings, so I say less than I normally would. For example, DH told her that it seemed really crowded when we had everyone over for Thanksgiving last year, because our place is small and it felt like everyone was sitting on top of each other (7 people including us in an apartment). He was contrasting this with going to our friends' house this year which is huge and roomy. MIL called him back half an hour later crying about how he didn't want her to visit anymore

Stuff like that is why I try not to say a lot at times.

I wouldn't call her up to chat, though she has called me once or twice. I dunno, I guess DH and I each have our own mom to talk on the phone with, so we aren't calling up our MILs. But honestly, she's a great MIL and I'm very lucky.

ETA: Our mothers talk on the phone all the time and we spend holidays together as a big group (my family is just my parents, DH's family is just his mom and sister, so it's a small group). So I can say we've definitely joined families, thanks to our moms getting along so well.

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 11/30/2009 12:22:50 AM
Author:setell
I don''t know if it''s a question that''s too personal but I''m curious what type of relationship is ''normal'' and what others relationship is like. Personally, I am nice to my future MIL and FIL''s but I cannot for the love of me hang out with them. My mom grew up with the notion that your daughter in-law is your daughter and treat her as one. She keeps trying to get me to ''open'' up to my FMIL by hanging out with her like going to movies, shopping etc. My mom is shocked how I don''t call neither of the in-laws (we don''t live in the same city). I just don''t see the point as we got nothing to really talk about. I don''t see her calling me just to chat! My FMIL makes me nervous at times as she''s done a few things where I consider it a bit shady and out of it. One incident is listening outside the bedroom door when my fiancee and I were in his room back when we were dating (god knows how long she was there...thank god we weren''t doing anything kinky). Somehow after a few of those incidents and others I can''t see myself hanging out with her and she makes me nervous. I am nice to her but cannot really not let my guard down at times. I was ready to try to let my guard down till recently. She''s a dog owner and she did not say one word of comfort to me after the death of my cat 3 weeks ago. Somehow, it gets me really really upset as she knows how much my cat means to me. I feel petty how I want her to offer me comfort but part of me don''t consider it petty.

Sorry for the rant. ''sigh'' been a rough few weeks emotionally.

In-law relationships can be very difficult. Unfortunately, my MIL passed away 6 months after we were married, but I have a great relationship with my FIL and his girlfriend of 7 years, and my DH has a great relationship with my parents. But I call my parents and make plans, touch base, chit chat, etc. and he calls his dad and does the same. DH would not call my dad to just chat unless he needed advice or help with something (building project, backed up plumbing, etc.) and I talk with FIL''s girlfriend about the kids birthday parties, holiday plans, etc.

And the part I highlighted...not shady at all. Just wait until your a mom.

 

[ladypirate]

I get along really well with my future in laws. We''re not best friends or anything, but I do look forward to seeing them and I speak to them on the phone probably at least a couple times a month.

 

[setell]

Date: 11/30/2009 11:49:13 AM
Author: Girlrocks
In-law relationships can be very difficult. Unfortunately, my MIL passed away 6 months after we were married, but I have a great relationship with my FIL and his girlfriend of 7 years, and my DH has a great relationship with my parents. But I call my parents and make plans, touch base, chit chat, etc. and he calls his dad and does the same. DH would not call my dad to just chat unless he needed advice or help with something (building project, backed up plumbing, etc.) and I talk with FIL''s girlfriend about the kids birthday parties, holiday plans, etc.

And the part I highlighted...not shady at all. Just wait until your a mom.

I do consider it shady regardless if you’re a mom or not. Being a mom is not an excuse that allow you to listen at the door. We weren’t teeny boopers too where we’ll need constant watching (even then I still think it’s inappropriate) but 20 something year old adults. Her doing that gives me a really sour impression of her. To me, it’s an invasion of privacy.

 

[tlh]

I like my inlaws. My MIL is the only chick in my family that likes jewelry like I do... so that is kinda fun, and always a point of chit chat! Sometimes there are awkward pauses, as to be expected w/ people you only see 2 or 3 times a year... but when that happens, alcohol helps!

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 11/30/2009 12:28:23 PM
Author: setell

Date: 11/30/2009 11:49:13 AM
Author: Girlrocks
In-law relationships can be very difficult. Unfortunately, my MIL passed away 6 months after we were married, but I have a great relationship with my FIL and his girlfriend of 7 years, and my DH has a great relationship with my parents. But I call my parents and make plans, touch base, chit chat, etc. and he calls his dad and does the same. DH would not call my dad to just chat unless he needed advice or help with something (building project, backed up plumbing, etc.) and I talk with FIL''s girlfriend about the kids birthday parties, holiday plans, etc.

And the part I highlighted...not shady at all. Just wait until your a mom.

I do consider it shady regardless if you’re a mom or not. Being a mom is not an excuse that allow you to listen at the door. We weren’t teeny boopers too where we’ll need constant watching (even then I still think it’s inappropriate) but 20 something year old adults. Her doing that gives me a really sour impression of her. To me, it’s an invasion of privacy.

Hate to break this to you, but regardless of your age you have NO expectation of "privacy" when you are in someone ELSE''S bedroom in a house neither you nor the BF owned. Since sonny boy was still living with momma, she can hang out in the hallway all day long if it suits her

 

[that_someone_special]

I don''t care for my future in laws. I haven''t seen them in 18 months or so. I''m not even sure if they will be there when we get married.

Fiance sees them about once a week. I just cannot bring myself to go anymore. There are many reasons, some silly, I''m sure- but oh well.
It makes me sad, but I am DONE trying.

 

[AprilBaby]

I have a MIL and I am a MIL. I see it from 2 perspectives. My MIL and I have no relationship because she is mean. My DIL has a lovely mother of her own, so she doesn''t need a mother. I try to be friendly and not get in the way. She is hot/cold depending on the day. I am actually confused on HOW to be the MIL. For those of you who bash your MIL, I hope you have all daughters, because you might find yourself in the SAME situation when it''s your turn with your son and his wife. I wish there was a MIL handbook.

 

[katamari]

I love my ILs as much as I love my own family. We have very consistent visions of what our relationship should be like (which is extremely open and friendly without expectations for excessive interactions) which was painfully similar to my own family which caused for an amazing integration into each others lives. I really hate to read that this is not the case for everyone.

 

[iluvcarats]

Not to brag, but I am really, Really, REALLY lucky. My IL''s are awesome, and I love them. (my parents - that''s a different story)

Sorry yours aren''t

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Before I got pregnant I thought I won the inlaw lottery. Don''t get me wrong they are nice people but they will never be my parents. I will never fully understand their ways. I would classify his family as having hidden dysfunction. They treat their children different. Say things differently (*ahem* passive aggressive anyone?) Their sense of humor is different. I TRY to let things go and not take things personally (like my FIL living her for 6 months and never inviting us over, out to dinner, offer to babysit, etc...) because what''s the point? They will never change so I must. At the end of the day it just makes me SO grateful for my wonderful family. My inlaws helped me see how great they are.

 

[diamondringlover]

My relationship with the inlaws isnt the best, I cant hardly stand them and they dont like me, we tolerate one another but it does get rough at times, we are always polite because of my kids and hubby but for the most part I just keep my mouth shut and play nice

 

[zoebartlett]

I get along really well with my in-laws, although they are like night and day from my parents. My in-laws don''t tend to go out much -- they are much happier at home. My parents, on the other hand, are very social (always having friends drop by, vising others, etc.). My husband and I were raised very differently, and there are many things about his upbringing that I don''t understand and don''t agree with. I''ve never spoken about it with my in-laws though. Like I said, we get along, and I do enjoy seeing them, but there''s something that makes me a little sad when we get together. I feel like they''re missing out on things, but if they''re happy, who am I to judge, ya know?

 

[zhuzhu]

My relationship with the inlaws is unpredictable at best. MIL and her new husband are mostly the source of uneasiness due to her pushiness and judgmental mentality. FIL and his wife are reasonable people and I enjoy spending time with them a lot more than the other family.