What Should I Do?

[caribari]

What would you do if your friend’s SO was going to propose to her with a less-than ideal ring?

Short story is that he has enlisted me for help (at her suggestion), but ALREADY has a stone (heirloom) that looks badly cut and considerably smaller than she is hoping for. He is getting it appraised next week, and I (very) gently asked if he would consider buying a new stone if this one turned out to be of low quality. His answer was no, and I’m not sure if this is a budget or sentimental issue.

I know it’s really none of my business, but I also know that my friend specifically asked her SO to enlist me to help, and I sort of feel like I’m letting her down. If this stone comes back with a poor appraisal, should I:
a. Let him know what I think
b. Let it go (in hopes that my friend will love the sentiment behind an heirloom stone)

Feeling confused and bad

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Clearly this diamond means something to this guy...wether it''s your idea of beauty or not. If he''s not willing to replace it, so be it then...the decision has been made and while she asked you HELP, you cannot overrule him in this process.

A happy medium would be to interject where you can...maybe with a dynamite setting. If your friend ever gets uppity about the ring, you can explain that the sentimental value was priceless so instead of fighting a losing battle, you decided to focus your energy on getting her the prettiest setting ever.

I totally get that you want to help your friend...that''s sweet of you...but this is between the two of them...her and her SO. Helping is one this, unsolicited advice is another. Do what you can...but don''t make him feel badly about the stone and risk hurting any feelings.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 12/10/2009 12:47:15 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Clearly this diamond means something to this guy...wether it''s your idea of beauty or not. If he''s not willing to replace it, so be it then...the decision has been made and while she asked you HELP, you cannot overrule him in this process.

A happy medium would be to interject where you can...maybe with a dynamite setting. If your friend ever gets uppity about the ring, you can explain that the sentimental value was priceless so instead of fighting a losing battle, you decided to focus your energy on getting her the prettiest setting ever.

I totally get that you want to help your friend...that''s sweet of you...but this is between the two of them...her and her SO. Helping is one this, unsolicited advice is another. Do what you can...but don''t make him feel badly about the stone and risk hurting any feelings.

Ditto. If he''s not willing to *not* use the stone, then that''s what he (and you) are going to have to work with. So do your best to guide him to a setting that will 1) hide the imperfections in the stone, 2) play up any of it''s great qualities, and 3) make your friend insanely happy. Additionally, make sure he has the stone cleaned up really well...that should help it''s appearance in general.

Best of luck to you!

 

[caribari]

Italian- truly thank you for your perspective here. I think you’re right that I am confusing “help” with “overruling,” which I certainly don’t want to do. This is one of my best friends, and I don’t know this guy very well (we live quite far apart), so I think this was partly my friend’s way of helping us to get to know each other, and the last thing I want to do is start out on an awkward foot. I have a good idea of the type of setting my friend wants, so I’ll definitely be putting my energy into helping him in that arena. Again, thank you.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/10/2009 12:28:05 PM
Author:caribari
What would you do if your friend’s SO was going to propose to her with a less-than ideal ring?

Short story is that he has enlisted me for help (at her suggestion), but ALREADY has a stone (heirloom) that looks badly cut and considerably smaller than she is hoping for. He is getting it appraised next week, and I (very) gently asked if he would consider buying a new stone if this one turned out to be of low quality. His answer was no, and I’m not sure if this is a budget or sentimental issue.

I know it’s really none of my business, but I also know that my friend specifically asked her SO to enlist me to help, and I sort of feel like I’m letting her down. If this stone comes back with a poor appraisal, should I:
a. Let him know what I think
b. Let it go (in hopes that my friend will love the sentiment behind an heirloom stone)

Feeling confused and bad

First, the size of the diamond is not something I would concern myself with.

How "bad" is the diamond? Does it appear cloudy, yellow, full of inclusions, etc?

Honestly, if it was a diamond he bought and could return, I''d tell you to speak up. But this is an heirloom diamond, so you need to tread lightly.

Where is he getting it appriased? Our appraiser (Richard Sherwood in Sarasota, FL) was very honest with my BF (we had 2 heirloom diamonds to choose from). He told him which one would be acceptable for an engagement ring, and which one wouldn''t. However, I don''t know that other appraisers would be so helpful and honest.

You say you don''t know if there are budget restrictions coming into play here. Until or unless you can find out for sure whether or not he can afford to buy another diamond, I wouldn''t advise you to say anything.

You were enlisted to help, but you weren''t asked to take over the whole process, KWIM? The final choices are up to the BF to make.

Does your friend have any idea that he''s planning on using an/this heirloom diamond?

 

[LilyKat]

Hmm. Depends how bad it is. I agree with Lilyfoot that the size shouldn't be a concern. Would it look awful to the average observer (rather than to the PS obsessive

)? How does it compare to the average mall-store stone?

If it was truly awful, I would probably say something to him (tactfully), given that your friend requested your input. Or would he mind if you discussed it with your friend? It may be that she is so moved by the thought of an heirloom she doesn't care - or maybe she's not that sentimental and really wants a nicer stone, and will then be upset if he's splurged on a custom setting that then "locks her in" to keeping the ugly heirloom (if it is ugly). Personally, I would much rather know beforehand - but you know your friends best.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Why is he having it appraised if he''s set on using it for the ering? He''s just going to have to have the ring appraised again for insurance purposes.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/10/2009 1:35:14 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Why is he having it appraised if he''s set on using it for the ering? He''s just going to have to have the ring appraised again for insurance purposes.

I can''t speak for the OP''s situation, but we had our heirloom diamond appraised out of a setting, because Jeweler''s Mutual will insure the stone during the setting process if you do this (and then a re-appraisal after it''s set).

 

[Lauren8211]

My stone is an heirloom stone, and no... its not as nicely cut as the diamonds on PS.

But... it has GREAT sentimental value, and I wouldn''t trade it for the world.

I would let it go. Sentimentality is worth more to most than stone quality, IMO.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/10/2009 1:35:14 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Why is he having it appraised if he''s set on using it for the ering? He''s just going to have to have the ring appraised again for insurance purposes.

Some appraisers prefer to appraise the stone loose, lest the setting interfere with their grading.

 

[luckynumber]

sometimes you just can''t have the ring you really really want.....

...and just appreciate what you have....

 

[Circe]

I don''t think that there''s much that you *can* do, outside of helping him to choose a really pretty setting, and talking up the value of family heirlooms if your friend is disappointed in what she''ll be receiving ....

 

[tyty333]

I might would try to find a way (without giving too much away) to tell your friend that you did your best but the stone
was already a foregone conclusion.

I just hate to see her get her hopes all up and then be really dissapointed when she doesnt get what she thought (or
hoped) she was getting. I also hate for him to be saddened by her reaction.

Good luck

 

[caribari]

thank you for all these responses. it really is nice to step outside yourself sometimes, and hear unbiased opinions.

i''m not sure why he is getting the stone appraised before setting it? i know he is doing it at an independent appraiser recommended by pricescope-- should he have set it first?

i haven''t seen the stone in person, so am judging how "bad" it is from the pictures he sent (cloudy and dull), which i know is probably not the best idea. my friend does not know about the stone, but im sure she would LOVE the idea of an heirloom provided its not bright yellow and full of huge black spots. if the stone is truly unusable in an e-ring sense, maybe the appraiser will say something?

i think you all hit it on the head though. this is their process, not mine. i''m happy to give my opinion and help in anyway, but at the end of the day this is their ring.

 

[junebug17]

I feel badly for you, I think you've been placed in an awkward position! I'm getting the impression this guy doesn't want any help, he's already decided on the stone and already decided he will use it even if it's poor quality, so I don't think you can give him much more input. Maybe he will be more receptive to suggestions about the setting, but I have a feeling he still won't be interested in much help. If your friend is disappointed in the stone, I would be honest and just tell her the fiance decided on the heirloom diamond...and stress how wonderful it is to carry on a family tradition. Who knows, she may very well love it! I can see how it would be hard to discuss something so personal with someone you don't know very well. Your friend meant well, but I think she unknowingly placed you in a situation that's a little weird! But I think you've done all you can at this point.

eta: I just re-read your post, and that the diamond is smaller than she wanted, maybe you could gently let him know this, just to be able to feel you've done all you could? Again, I'm sorry you've been placed in this position, doesn't seem fair to you!

 

[katomm]

Date: 12/10/2009 2:46:21 PM
Author: elledizzy5
My stone is an heirloom stone, and no... its not as nicely cut as the diamonds on PS.

But... it has GREAT sentimental value, and I wouldn''t trade it for the world.

I would let it go. Sentimentality is worth more to most than stone quality, IMO.

As the recipient of a family heirloom I totally agree. I would steer him towards a really nice setting that will compliment, not outshine, the stone. My FI did this and even though my stone has a visible inclusion and is I color, I would not want another stone. It means a TON to me that he and his family wanted me to have it.

 

[jewelz617]

A nice polish and a beautiful setting can work wonders

 

[junebug17]

I didn''t mean to imply there is something wrong with an heirloom diamond, quite the opposite, I love the symbolism and tradition associated with a family stone. I think they are special and priceless because of the meaning and history attached to them. I was just sympathizing with OP because the stone doesn''t coincide with what her friend has told her she would like, and OP has been put in the position of "helping". And I agree, caribari should give input on the setting and make it a fabulous one! I''m sorry if I inadvertently offended anyone, that wasn''t my intent at all!

 

[AustenNut]

I think you''ve been given some great advice so far, and I think others are right when saying that you''ve really been put in an awkward position, particularly since you don''t know the bf well. Have you thought about asking each of them about how they view your role? Maybe they only want you to present you with setting ideas and say which one you think she''d prefer. Does the bf even know that you''ve been asked to serve as adviser?

Anyway, best of luck with all of this.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 12/10/2009 2:46:21 PM
Author: elledizzy5
My stone is an heirloom stone, and no... its not as nicely cut as the diamonds on PS.

But... it has GREAT sentimental value, and I wouldn''t trade it for the world.

I would let it go. Sentimentality is worth more to most than stone quality, IMO.

Ditto+Ditto. My stone is under the average on here, yet i get many compliments. Why - all in the setting! I would focus your energy there as well.


good luck, and congrats to your friends!