what kind of wedding?

[lucyh]

My boyfriend and I are "engaged to be engaged!" We''ve chosen a ring together (see my picture!) but the rest of it will be a surprise. I know he wants to ask my Dad and I also know it''s going to be 3-4 weeks until the ring arrives (that is if he''s ordered it yet!). The only thing I am running up against are our diverging thoughts on what sort of wedding to have. In his ideal world, it would just be the 2 of us... i.e. an eloping. I''m not all for a big wedding either but I''d like to at least have a small one with my family, grandparents etc. His thought is that making it ''public'' turns it into an occasion that revolves around everyone else. Any ideas on how to converge?

 

[robbie3982]

You could elope and then have a party afterwards. Then the wedding is about just the two of you but everyone can celebrate together.

 

[lucyh]

Considered that but I know my family would be upset.

 

[poptart]

Maybe you could look at a venue that has a limited number of seating. The place where my husband and I got married only allowed eighty people if you wanted the ceremony outside (which we did), so that allowed us to have a more limited wedding group and then invite a lot of people for the reception (up to 200 since they could be inside and outside, and they would be wandering around). We didn''t want too many people there either and so it was SO much easier just telling everyone we could ONLY invite family (which was true). I think we actually only had about 60 to 70 because we had it on a Wednesday rather than a weekend. So that might help, too.

Marisa

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Poptart, that is a GREAT idea! I wanted a small, intimate wedding SO badly, but it looks like it will be a tad bigger than that. We should have looked for a small church, like a chapel! Then there wouldn''t have been any way to add people on! You''re a smart one!!

 

[lucyh]

That''s going to be really still pushing his limits. Our wedding, if he''s persuaded, will probably have no more than 30 people , all family.

 

[SoonIHope]

Could you have the small family-only wedding the way you want it, but beforehand have a separate time set apart just for the 2 of you? I know some people are sentimental about walking down the aisle being the first time they see each other that day, but I kind of like the idea of sharing a private moment before the ceremony. You could say a few things to each other, or even give each other letters to read, and share a private "we''re getting married" moment just between the two of you for maybe a half hour, then go on to have a small making-it-official ceremony, but the most emotional part could be with just the two of you beforehand? I know it''s pretty untraditional and he might not even think it''s a compromise since "the wedding" would still be the way you wanted, but just thought I''d put it out there!

Good luck!

 

[poptart]

Have you already made a list of how many people you want to come? And does he want to invite anyone, like parents or friends, because that may add to the list. I am sure you could find a venue that allowed an even smaller number and then just don''t invite over your limit and have a party later on with everyone that you want to celebrate with. I forgot to mention that we sort of had to elope also, due to complications with his leave (navy husband) and so we ended up getting *legally* married on the beach about ten minutes from our apartment, but then went back to our hometown and had the ceremony with our family and what not. So at our first ceremony there were seven people, including my husband and i, and the officiant. So if you could find a way to work out something like that and then have a bigger ceremony/ party for anyone who also wants to share the day with you. Wedding planning can be so difficult... I remember crying over all the confusion and the questions! I know you will be sure to think of something wonderful though!

Marisa

 

[lucyh]

That''s a very sweet idea. I like it.

He''s also thought about getting married in a civil ceremony, just the 2 of us and then showing up at our ''other wedding'' and saying "surprise, we''re already married!'' I don''t think I could do this though!

 

[ImpatientOne]

I feel your pain, Lucy! My BF and I have both been married before, so neither of us really wants a big wedding. We''d both be happy enough to elope and then have a reception after the fact. He doesn''t have much family and they are on the opposite coast, but my family is all here and my children (16-24) have made it clear they will be hurt if we elope, as have my friends. What''s a girl to do?

 

[firebirdgold]

I had originally wanted a traditional wedding but my fi is like yours and wanted something very small. We're going with his idea and I couldn't be happier! We're going to have a DW on a beach in Hawaii with just our parents, siblings, and siblings-in-law. I did have a few qualms about not having my grandmother or this or that person, but I realized that opening the door even a crack lets in a flood of people.

We went to two weddings in a row this summer, including his sister's, and that made us even happier that we're not doing a traditional wedding. Seeing the brides the day before killed off any desire to put myself through that! There were so many last minute details not done and so many other details that were going wrong. They were both wrecks!

No offense to my fellow BIW's but reading some of their threads often reaffirms our decision! A little wedding takes away so much of the stress! No worrying about favors, or seating charts, table decorations, bridesmaid's dresses or any of that stuff. It's soooo easy doing it this way! I can't begin to recommend it enough!

My sister got married this past summer in Italy with about 20 people, and then had a big party in DC a month or so later, and a smaller party in LA about a month after that! So she had her small wedding yet was still able to celebrate with everyone later!

ETA: I wanted to point out that I'm still keeping some of those wedding-y things that I was looking forward to. For instance everyone is getting decked out in flowers, our sole table will still have a floral decoration, I'm still having the decorated two tier cake (just a really small one), and I still get to pick out fancy stationary for the wedding announcements.

 

[CrownJewel]

I''m so glad this thread exists. My boyfriend and I have been struggling with the same question. We have a few obstacles:
1. His parents didn''t have a wedding. His brother got married twice and never had a wedding. They just had dinner with family and two or three close friends. His parents want us to do the same thing, because they think weddings are too expensive.
2. Everyone in my family gets married with a wedding. My parents don''t have any money to pay for my wedding, so it would be up to me and my boyfriend to pay for it all. It is Chinese tradition for the groom''s family to pay for the wedding. My boyfriend is not sure what the Russian tradition is, but his parents think we should have an immediate-family-only wedding anyway.
3. He has one aunt and maybe 2 first cousins. I have 12 aunts/uncles (+12 spouses too) and at least 3 first cousins per aunt/uncle (at least 36 first cousins).

We''ve already bought an e-ring, and although we can afford an 80 person wedding or so (even that would cut out many many good friends and some of my family), it seems smarter to put the money toward a house or apt.

I''m starting to like the idea of a family-only ceremony and dinner, but can you ladies tell me how you (and your sister IndieJones) had larger parties later? I will definitely want to celebrate, and I know my parents will be heartbroken if they don''t get to have at least a small extended family celebration.

 

[lucyh]

It''s a tough one for sure! It''s come up in conversation a couple of times this week but I think we need to sit down and have a proper discussion about it soon.

 

[firebirdgold]

It was really very simple. She sent email invites asking people to join them in celebrating their marriage. They rented part of a park with an old mansion in DC. Had a buffet inside with nice yet simple food (think advanced picnic food), and a beer & wine bar. Although most people drank soda. Oh, and they had a cellist.
In LA it was at our Parent's place so it was a slightly fancier catered buffet with passed whatchma-callits and a wine and beer bar. The music was courtesy of an ipod and stereo system. There were tables for people to sit at (outside on the lawn) with a zen-like orchid and black rock decoration. Some of the items on the buffet table (with a good luck red tablecloth) were raised up on little boxes that were disguised with twists of paper, so the bowls looked like they were resting in this decoration. They also had good luck red napkins with their names and wedding date on them. It was just as fun as the traditional wedding receptions I went to this summer.

 

[sunkist]

Date: 10/20/2006 5:55:03 PM
Author: lucyh
That''s going to be really still pushing his limits. Our wedding, if he''s persuaded, will probably have no more than 30 people , all family.

If you''re still looking for the small venue route, small enough to limit it to 30 people, perhaps you could do it at someone house? Inside, or out in the back yard if it''s nice enough and can accomodate your group.