What do I do?

[bubbly1126]

So with the proposal coming by the end of April, I asked FF if we could go look at some diamond bands today since that was what I thought I wanted to go with instead of a traditional ring. We ended up finding a GORGEOUS 1ct 5 stone band that we both love.

HOWEVER... as I'm staring at the lovely 5 stone ring I tried on, out of the corner of my eye I see a BEAUTIFUL diamond ring with a halo and pave. I couldn't help myself and asked the SA if I could please see that one. He chuckles and says "Oh, see now you're totally switching it up on me! Are you changing your mind already!?!?" (jokingly, he was a nice guy) Anyway... I try it on and WHAM! That's it. That's the one. My heart went crazy. I didn't ask how much it was... I did ask FF what he thought and he said it wasn't his style and kind of brushed it off. I know it's a .60 center stone and .40 side/halo stones. I just can't stop thinking about it.

So we leave and I guess I was a little quiet and FF asked what was wrong. I insisted nothing, that I was fine but he kept asking and saying he knew something was wrong b/c he can read me well. (He definitely can!) Anyway, so I just say that I really loved the ring w/ the halo and he says so what? Now you don't want the original ring we picked out? And he kind of seems upset. I said that wasn't the case. I loved that one too but the other ring just spoke to me.

So we get home and I tell him I'm going to the gym and he just says okay in a upset voice. I ask what's up, what's wrong and he says "well now you're just making me second guess our original choice. I love that ring and I thought you did too and now I feel as though it's not good enough for you." I told him I loved it too and ultimately in the end WHATEVER he decides to get me, I will LOVE. He just shrugged his shoulders and said well, I guess.

So now I feel bad for making him feel bad. But at the same time, I can't stop thinking about this ring. I can't help it. And I told him that... that I can't help that I love that ring too. I didn't ask the price b/c I knew it would be a bit pricier than our original choice and I know in the end, he won't be getting that ring. So how do I stop thinking about it? Like I told him, I know I will LOVE the ring he gets me no matter what. So, I don't know. I guess I just shouldn't have tried that other ring on...

 

[Blair138]

I can understand that the both of you picked out the original ring and that is why he is attached, but I am a firm believer that you should get something YOU love because you will be wearing it everyday, not him. If you did not get the ring with the halo, would you be upset and/or compare the ring you do get to that ring? If that is the case then you should maybe find time to speak with him about the ring that you do like. He should not brush off your feelings just because he likes the original ring.

That being said, when I finally picked out the ring I wanted, I did stop searching for rings or even looking them up. I have my dream ring, but I always see new things I like. I think that if we weren''t already engaged, FI would be a little upset if I kept changing my mind.

 

[bubbly1126]

Thanks for your reply, Blair.

Just to clarify, we had never picked out a particular ring until tonight. Style, yes. But not the ring. We went to many different places today and the "original" ring I'm referring to is the one we both loved no matter what we saw at each new place. We had both agreed that we loved this ring RIGHT before I saw this new ring. And I mean, literally, right before. I could understand if we'd had the "original" ring picked out for a while and then I just up and changed my mind, but it was just today that we decided.

I know I should talk to him, but I don't want to upset him anymore today. I'll give it a couple days and think about it for a while... decide if I'll be upset if I don't get this ring and such... and then talk to him.

 

[Tuckins1]

Perhaps he has already purchased a ring and that''s why he''s so upset about your new passion?

 

[Blair138]

I think that''s a good plan Inhisarms. I was under the impression that this 5 stone ring had been THE ONE for a while. Since that is not the case, I think your FF should be a little more flexible. I would say give it a few days and approach him about it in a way that conveys why you like this new ring. Also, I would mention that it is not that you dislike the original style, but that you feel the new one is more ''you'' and that you cannot stop thinking about it. good luck and let us know how it goes!

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 1/17/2009 6:54:31 PM
Author: Tuckins1
Perhaps he has already purchased a ring and that''s why he''s so upset about your new passion?

That''s what I thought right off the bat.

In any case I do hope you get the ring you love! And that you both are happy about it!
good luck and lots of dust!

 

[bubbly1126]

Thanks ladies. I am about 99% positive that he has not bought a ring already. There is a always a chance but I truly don't think he has. I even asked him this morning before we left to go look if he had already bought one and to be honest b/c if he had then I didn't want to go look b/c I didn't want to make him second guess his purchase. You know? He swore he didn't buy one already. And I hope he was telling the truth b/c if he wasn't I would feel even more awful about the situation!

 

[brooklyngirl]

I''m sorry this happened, and that you FF is upset. However, I think you should have the ring you want (within reason and budget), because then you''ll always be looking around thinking you really wanted something else.

With that said, I would advise you to go back to the jeweler''s and take a long look at both rings again, and maybe go back a third time too. When DH and I shopped for my e-ring we saw one that I thought was definitely IT, but when we came back to look at it, I wasn''t so impressed. Sleep on it for a couple of days, try on some different rings, and then go back and see if the new IT ring really is it.

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

My first thought was that he may have already purchased a ring...

However, I think my BF would be a little sad too even if he hadn''t purchased the ring. He probably just got used to the idea of finding (or deciding on) *the one.* And now in his head it may seem like it is back to square one.

Good luck in deciding. At least you are open minded and have let him know you would love anything no matter what!

 

[iheartscience]

Well if he hasn''t bought it yet, I don''t get why he cares that you like a different ring now!

I would just tell him that if he already bought you a ring, don''t worry about it, but if not, you want the one you tried on today.

You''re the one who''s going to wear it-you should get what you want! And it seems extra weird that he would care since it sounds like you''ve been looking at rings together. Maybe he really did buy it?

 

[goodfun7580]

Didn''t you guys decide to go with the band because of budget constraints so you could get engaged sooner? Its not like he doesn''t want you to have the ring of his dreams, its just that you guys decided to go with something more affordable and be engaged sooner. Is he totally against shopping online? You may be able to come to a compromise with a more affordable well cut diamond online. Have you guys decided whether or not you will eventually upgrade? Its hard when you can''t get the ring of your dreams, but luckily you are getting the man of your dreams, which is way better! Hang in there!

 

[whitby_2773]

hi inhisarms17

i''d like to give you my opinion, but i should say right off the bat - it''s different to most people''s, so pls take it in that light....

it''s a piece of jewelry. all the important aspects to it - ''he chose it'', ''it''s the symbol of his love for me'', ''he gave it to me when he proposed'' and so on can apply to anything from a 5 ct piece of perfection all the way down to a bottle top. sometimes i feel as tho we lose a little perspective on ''the ring''. when all is said and done - it''s a piece of jewelry.

you described the 5 stone ring as gorgeous - and it would certainly do you proud! there''s plenty of people out there, like me, who LOVE bands but who aren''t much fond of the current obsession with pave halos. two out of 3 rings these days seem to be a halo, and i believe it''s part of jewelry culture fashion which will pass in the next few years.

i also think we paint ourselves into a corner if we start believing that any piece of jewelry is ''the one''. i''m sure there''s pro''s and cons with both rings, and probably a thousand others, and if you continue to love jewelry in general, and rings in particular, there are going to be other rings you find just as beautiful.

so let me suggest another option...

why not go with the 5 stone band now (a gorgeous, classic design) and perhaps get a halo set stone, if you still want one, for your fifth anniversary? if you''re like most other women here, it''s not the only ring your husband-to-be will ever buy you!

when my husband and i were first dating, we went to some open air markets where there was a big flower stall. i was looking at some other stall and - when i next turned around - he was standing there with a bunch of red carnations. i HATED carnations, and i think it was written on my face. he said "dont you like them?" and i said "i don''t like carnations." his face fell, and he apologized. inhisarms17, when i think of my life and all the things i wish i could change, that''s right up there on my list. when i''m not happy with a young man who wants to buy me flowers, whether they be exotic orchids or something he picked from his yard, i''ve lost perspective. i''ve lost sight of him and am focussed on ''the thing''.

good luck with your decision - and remember - it''s not the ring which is ''the one'' - it''s the man

 

[LaraOnline]

Great posts! I also wanted to chime in and say, don't feel too bad about your behaviour, OP. Finding your perfect ring is a BIG shopping decision, and one that, as the other posters have pointed out, is likely to be a contested choice, as there are soooo many beautiful rings out there!

I guess this is one reason why the solitaire remains a popular classic. When I was engaged, I didn't really appreciate the beauty of the solitaire...now, I feel it screams 'love', and it is what I am one day hoping for. Similarly, I wanted a dainty diamond band for my wedding band at the time... now I often hanker to wear the traditional gold...and probably quite a thick one!

Tastes do change, and there will be time when I guess any ring will feel a little boring for the day! We are funny little creatures, and often we do like novelty, almost for the sake of it.

I would just take the purchase slowly, over a period of some months if you can, and shop like you've never shopped before! Just look, and look, and look (within your budget, of course). I guess that if you want the ring for the proposal, it kind of puts the pressure on. But after looking at all the rings, and falling in 'lerv' with a few, perhaps you will be firmer and clearer about what it is you want?

So...is your halo an infatuation.... or the real thing?

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Even though I can totally understand why he is upset - lots of ladies change their minds a million times! I mean - common - we have to wear this thing for the rest of our lives! I am sure he will get over it and understand - he probably just needs time to cool off. Just make sure next time you tell him which ring you want - you are absolutely sure. Until then, tell him you like a setting but want to keep looking until you are 150% sure.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 1/17/2009 9:57:23 PM
Author: goodfun7580
Didn''t you guys decide to go with the band because of budget constraints so you could get engaged sooner? Its not like he doesn''t want you to have the ring of his dreams, its just that you guys decided to go with something more affordable and be engaged sooner. Is he totally against shopping online? You may be able to come to a compromise with a more affordable well cut diamond online. Have you guys decided whether or not you will eventually upgrade? Its hard when you can''t get the ring of your dreams, but luckily you are getting the man of your dreams, which is way better! Hang in there!

Yes, we decided to go with the band b/c of budget constraints right now. Regardless of what ring he gets me, I don''t ever want to upgrade. I''ve never asked him how he felt about upgrade but that''s b/c it''s really not necessary since I never do. The ring we both agreed on is actually over the budget we had already set so I didn''t really see why this new ring was so out of left field for him.

I don''t know if I came off wrong but I would just like to say that I wasn''t upset about not getting this new ring, I was upset over his reaction and not being open minded about it. I told him last night that he can choose the ring and even if it were a 25 cent ring from walmart, I would be the happiest woman in the world, and I mean that.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 1/17/2009 10:01:42 PM
Author: whitby_2773


hi inhisarms17


i''d like to give you my opinion, but i should say right off the bat - it''s different to most people''s, so pls take it in that light....


it''s a piece of jewelry. all the important aspects to it - ''he chose it'', ''it''s the symbol of his love for me'', ''he gave it to me when he proposed'' and so on can apply to anything from a 5 ct piece of perfection all the way down to a bottle top. sometimes i feel as tho we lose a little perspective on ''the ring''. when all is said and done - it''s a piece of jewelry.


you described the 5 stone ring as gorgeous - and it would certainly do you proud! there''s plenty of people out there, like me, who LOVE bands but who aren''t much fond of the current obsession with pave halos. two out of 3 rings these days seem to be a halo, and i believe it''s part of jewelry culture fashion which will pass in the next few years.


i also think we paint ourselves into a corner if we start believing that any piece of jewelry is ''the one''. i''m sure there''s pro''s and cons with both rings, and probably a thousand others, and if you continue to love jewelry in general, and rings in particular, there are going to be other rings you find just as beautiful.


so let me suggest another option...


why not go with the 5 stone band now (a gorgeous, classic design) and perhaps get a halo set stone, if you still want one, for your fifth anniversary? if you''re like most other women here, it''s not the only ring your husband-to-be will ever buy you!


when my husband and i were first dating, we went to some open air markets where there was a big flower stall. i was looking at some other stall and - when i next turned around - he was standing there with a bunch of red carnations. i HATED carnations, and i think it was written on my face. he said ''dont you like them?'' and i said ''i don''t like carnations.'' his face fell, and he apologized. inhisarms17, when i think of my life and all the things i wish i could change, that''s right up there on my list. when i''m not happy with a young man who wants to buy me flowers, whether they be exotic orchids or something he picked from his yard, i''ve lost perspective. i''ve lost sight of him and am focussed on ''the thing''.


good luck with your decision - and remember - it''s not the ring which is ''the one'' - it''s the man

I thank you very much for your reply, whitby. Again, I want to reiterate the fact that I don''t care what he ends up getting me in the end, I will love it no matter what. It''s coming from an amazing man that I love more than anything in the world and he knows the ring is not even very important to me. HE is important to me. That''s why I felt so bad for even upsetting him about all of this. (And I didn''t even know that me saying I liked a different ring would upset him the way it did... which in turn upset me.)

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 1/17/2009 10:26:39 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Great posts! I also wanted to chime in and say, don''t feel too bad about your behaviour, OP. Finding your perfect ring is a BIG shopping decision, and one that, as the other posters have pointed out, is likely to be a contested choice, as there are soooo many beautiful rings out there!


I guess this is one reason why the solitaire remains a popular classic. When I was engaged, I didn''t really appreciate the beauty of the solitaire...now, I feel it screams ''love'', and it is what I am one day hoping for. Similarly, I wanted a dainty diamond band for my wedding band at the time... now I often hanker to wear the traditional gold...and probably quite a thick one!


Tastes do change, and there will be time when I guess any ring will feel a little boring for the day! We are funny little creatures, and often we do like novelty, almost for the sake of it.


I would just take the purchase slowly, over a period of some months if you can, and shop like you''ve never shopped before! Just look, and look, and look (within your budget, of course). I guess that if you want the ring for the proposal, it kind of puts the pressure on. But after looking at all the rings, and falling in ''lerv'' with a few, perhaps you will be firmer and clearer about what it is you want?


So...is your halo an infatuation.... or the real thing?

I completely understand what you are saying and I thank you so much for your input. Taste changes a lot. That''s why I would love for him to just pick out what it is that speaks to HIM and not necessarily me. Yes, that other ring was beautiful and it''s still popping in my mind here and there but I know that the ring he chooses will be more special to me than any other ring I could have picked out myself. It''s coming from him and I know I will love it.

As for the other ring... infatuation vs real thing? Not sure, really. And I don''t think I''ll ever know, really. But that''s okay with me. I want what comes from HIS heart.

 

[goodfun7580]

Date: 1/18/2009 2:15:47 PM
Author: inhisarms17

Date: 1/17/2009 9:57:23 PM
Author: goodfun7580
Didn''t you guys decide to go with the band because of budget constraints so you could get engaged sooner? Its not like he doesn''t want you to have the ring of his dreams, its just that you guys decided to go with something more affordable and be engaged sooner. Is he totally against shopping online? You may be able to come to a compromise with a more affordable well cut diamond online. Have you guys decided whether or not you will eventually upgrade? Its hard when you can''t get the ring of your dreams, but luckily you are getting the man of your dreams, which is way better! Hang in there!

Yes, we decided to go with the band b/c of budget constraints right now. Regardless of what ring he gets me, I don''t ever want to upgrade. I''ve never asked him how he felt about upgrade but that''s b/c it''s really not necessary since I never do. The ring we both agreed on is actually over the budget we had already set so I didn''t really see why this new ring was so out of left field for him.

I don''t know if I came off wrong but I would just like to say that I wasn''t upset about not getting this new ring, I was upset over his reaction and not being open minded about it. I told him last night that he can choose the ring and even if it were a 25 cent ring from walmart, I would be the happiest woman in the world, and I mean that.

If you never plan on upgrading, you really should discuss this more with him and make sure you get a ring you will love forever! Plus, if the rings are around the same, I don''t see how that would upset him? Unless he is totally in love with the band you chose. Even if he was, he should really want you to have something you love (since you''ll be the one wearing it

). I''m sure you''ll work it out! Good luck!

 

[Rhea]

I understand that you want a ring that he likes too. But reading your original post it sounds like you really like the halo ring. It sounds like he hasn''t bought the ring yet. Can you have a discussion about what you like and why? Maybe go to the store and try both on again just to make sure.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I posted a comment about this for a woman a few days back about getting all lusty over another ring which was outside of her FF budget...basically, it''s okay to like nice things--it keeps you motivated. But, when you''re in a jewelry store the whole purpose is to draw your eye towards the bigger, better, bling...but the moment that 5-stone ring is on your finger nothing else could compair to the beauty and meaning of it...

I mean really...isn''t anything better than no ring at all???

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/18/2009 9:50:27 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I mean really...isn't anything better than no ring at all???

Um...no?

Seriously, I'd rather have no ring at all than a ring my fiance got me because he liked it and not because I liked it. I know that isn't necessarily the case here because inhisarms liked the 5 stone for a long time, but that's what I think!

Besides, I think it's a lot easier to say "Any ring's better than no ring" when you probably have the ring of your dreams!

 

[Haven]

I don''t think you''ve lost perspective, inhisarms, I think it''s very responsible to put serious consideration into this purchase. You definitely should not feel badly about being a bit torn about this.

Your idea to give him a few days and to then brings it up sounds like a solid plan. It''s important to address the issue, and to make sure that he understands that your wandering eye is not due to any unhappiness about the ring you two chose together, it''s just that that particular halo sang to you and you couldn''t resist the music. If the halo is in your budget, I think that you should get that ring. If not, then the original ring you chose together sounds like the most responsible choice.

Of course you know it''s about the man. But this is also a big purchase, and it''s something you will wear for years and years to come, and I commend you for taking the time to carefully weigh this decision.

Good luck. Of course, this is a wonderful dilemma to have, and I''m certain that if you have this talk with your SO, you will end up with a beautiful ring and a wonderful man in the end.

(And not to threadjack, but where did that gorgeous ring in your avatar come from? I think I''ve asked you before, so I apologize for my bad memory, but if a ring can sing to me from a computer screen, the one in your avatar picture does it every time!)

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 1/18/2009 9:50:27 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I posted a comment about this for a woman a few days back about getting all lusty over another ring which was outside of her FF budget...basically, it''s okay to like nice things--it keeps you motivated. But, when you''re in a jewelry store the whole purpose is to draw your eye towards the bigger, better, bling...but the moment that 5-stone ring is on your finger nothing else could compair to the beauty and meaning of it...


I mean really...isn''t anything better than no ring at all???

Well, yes. But not in a materialistic way AT ALL b/c that''s not me. If he were to want to get engaged but not buy me a ring, that would be 100% okay with me. All in all, I would take anything he was willing to give me b/c it''s about him, not the ring.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 1/18/2009 10:20:54 PM
Author: Haven
I don't think you've lost perspective, inhisarms, I think it's very responsible to put serious consideration into this purchase. You definitely should not feel badly about being a bit torn about this.


Your idea to give him a few days and to then brings it up sounds like a solid plan. It's important to address the issue, and to make sure that he understands that your wandering eye is not due to any unhappiness about the ring you two chose together, it's just that that particular halo sang to you and you couldn't resist the music. If the halo is in your budget, I think that you should get that ring. If not, then the original ring you chose together sounds like the most responsible choice.


Of course you know it's about the man. But this is also a big purchase, and it's something you will wear for years and years to come, and I commend you for taking the time to carefully weigh this decision.


Good luck. Of course, this is a wonderful dilemma to have, and I'm certain that if you have this talk with your SO, you will end up with a beautiful ring and a wonderful man in the end.


(And not to threadjack, but where did that gorgeous ring in your avatar come from? I think I've asked you before, so I apologize for my bad memory, but if a ring can sing to me from a computer screen, the one in your avatar picture does it every time!)

Thanks for your very kind words, Haven. I, too, feel this is a very big decision and that's why I would like to give it a couple days and approach him about it. I think I've gotten over the initial wow factor of the new ring and have been brought back down to earth (haha) and realize that I do love the 5 stone ring just as much as the halo ring. They are two entirely different styles, after all, so it is hard to compare them. I originally wanted a *band* type ring b/c I LOVE the idea of stacking rings... and I think in the end, that might be the best choice for us as I think I might be easier to "switch up" if I get bored with the look. (Get some gemstone bands to mix and match, etc.) But I don't know. Again, in the end, I'll be happy with whatever we/he decides!

Again, THANK YOU!

Oh and the ring in my avatar is a piece by ExcelDiamonds. My sister has a ring just like it and I've always loved it and this one was the closest to it I could find. She is puurrtttyyyy, isn't she? hehe.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 1/17/2009 10:01:42 PM
Author: whitby_2773

hi inhisarms17

i''d like to give you my opinion, but i should say right off the bat - it''s different to most people''s, so pls take it in that light....

it''s a piece of jewelry. all the important aspects to it - ''he chose it'', ''it''s the symbol of his love for me'', ''he gave it to me when he proposed'' and so on can apply to anything from a 5 ct piece of perfection all the way down to a bottle top. sometimes i feel as tho we lose a little perspective on ''the ring''. when all is said and done - it''s a piece of jewelry.

you described the 5 stone ring as gorgeous - and it would certainly do you proud! there''s plenty of people out there, like me, who LOVE bands but who aren''t much fond of the current obsession with pave halos. two out of 3 rings these days seem to be a halo, and i believe it''s part of jewelry culture fashion which will pass in the next few years.

i also think we paint ourselves into a corner if we start believing that any piece of jewelry is ''the one''. i''m sure there''s pro''s and cons with both rings, and probably a thousand others, and if you continue to love jewelry in general, and rings in particular, there are going to be other rings you find just as beautiful.

so let me suggest another option...

why not go with the 5 stone band now (a gorgeous, classic design) and perhaps get a halo set stone, if you still want one, for your fifth anniversary? if you''re like most other women here, it''s not the only ring your husband-to-be will ever buy you!

when my husband and i were first dating, we went to some open air markets where there was a big flower stall. i was looking at some other stall and - when i next turned around - he was standing there with a bunch of red carnations. i HATED carnations, and i think it was written on my face. he said ''dont you like them?'' and i said ''i don''t like carnations.'' his face fell, and he apologized. inhisarms17, when i think of my life and all the things i wish i could change, that''s right up there on my list. when i''m not happy with a young man who wants to buy me flowers, whether they be exotic orchids or something he picked from his yard, i''ve lost perspective. i''ve lost sight of him and am focussed on ''the thing''.

good luck with your decision - and remember - it''s not the ring which is ''the one'' - it''s the man

You are a wise woman who gives great advice.