We''re moving to Shanghai and I am not looking forward to it!

[Phoenix]

DH got a job offer recently. It's a good package. He's always wanted to go live in China and now this incredible opportunity came up. We talked about it at length and decided that he would take up the offer. He's already moved and I'm to follow in a couple of months.

The problem is as much as I want this for DH and I have agreed that we'd do this, I am not looking forward to moving at all. In fact, I am trying to put it off for as long as possible. DH speaks and reads fluent Chinese and can write too. I, on the other hand, can't speak a word. I've given in my notice at work and have told my clients and colleagues that I am leaving. So, basically, I am moving to a new country where I don't have any friends, any colleagues and I'll have to start my life practically from scratch. I'm planning to study Chinese intensely for six months and after that, I'd like to work. I currently work for a "Big 4" (as an audit director) and have contacted three recruitment agencies in SH (one of who headhunted hubby incidentally), only to be told that my inability to speak Chinese would prevent me from getting a job there.

I realise this is hubby's life long dream and it *is* a good opportunity for his career. However, I am feeling very apprehensive. I've moved so many times in my life (with my family, on my own and with DH) and I thought Singapore would be our last stop (or at least "last stop" before our retirement). I *DON'T* want to move at all, let alone to another country where I know absolutely no-one, apart from DH. My last serious move was from the UK to Hong Kong thirteen years ago, but at least I was moving there to take up an expat job and I had my colleagues. Now, I have nothing to look forward too, at least for several months. When we moved house during the last few years, it was not so dramatic but still bothersome.

I am definitely moving to SH. I don't have a choice and as mentioned, I've supported DH's decision to take up the job offer. But I feel sooooo sad and am concerned I am going to be miserable in SH. I have so many friends here and DH and I have (or rather have had) a good life. I am putting off getting the house ready (fixing it up and all) for renting, though I realise I can't put it off much longer. I actually don't like SH as a city: it's crowded, it's polluted and the lack of hygiene there freaks me out (apologies to any Chinese PSer's reading this, it's just my own personal thing, not making any big political statement here or trying to be disparaging). I know I have to be positive and supportive towards DH but I am just soooo sad.

Do you guys have any suggestions to offer?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

yikes!
I think you need to tell your dh your concerns and worries. I had a similar situation when we moved to colorado and i knew nobody, at least it was the same country and language but i still felt isolated. after time to adjust im doing a lot better.
it wont be sooo bad, i promise and if it is, well then you can use the angry flaming face on me

 

[sba771]

Hi Phoenix,

This happened to me, but I ended up in Germany.

The best thing I did was look into joining some expat women's groups to start. That helped because there are other people in your exact situation. I also had a lot of trouble finding a job and you will feel those first feelings of anger, resentment and utter confusion, but what I found helped was blogging and actually PS- it helped me stay connected. I also talked through everything with my FI so we were always on the same page when I was feeling sad. It is a great job for your DH, but you are allowed to be a little selfish too and be upfront if there are certain things you need to have in order to make the transition easier.

I hope you have an easier time with the language than I have been having with German! Seriously, feel free to email me anytime as I have been (and still am) in your shoes and it has been hard, but I also know in the long run it is such a good experience for both of you together!

Think of all the cool traveling : )

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/18/2009 11:48:59 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles
yikes!
I think you need to tell your dh your concerns and worries. I had a similar situation when we moved to colorado and i knew nobody, at least it was the same country and language but i still felt isolated. after time to adjust im doing a lot better.
it wont be sooo bad, i promise and if it is, well then you can use the angry flaming face on me

Thank you for your reply. I have told DH my concerns and worries but not to the same extent. I don''t want him to feel guilty about us moving. He''s happy in his new job. I am sure that after a while I will be ok, it''s the initial period I am most worried about.

Thank you for your kind words of support. I am glad you''re doing better in Colorado.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/18/2009 12:13:40 PM
Author: sba771
Hi Phoenix,

This happened to me, but I ended up in Germany.

The best thing I did was look into joining some expat women's groups to start. That helped because there are other people in your exact situation. I also had a lot of trouble finding a job and you will feel those first feelings of anger, resentment and utter confusion, but what I found helped was blogging and actually PS- it helped me stay connected. I also talked through everything with my FI so we were always on the same page when I was feeling sad. It is a great job for your DH, but you are allowed to be a little selfish too and be upfront if there are certain things you need to have in order to make the transition easier.

I hope you have an easier time with the language than I have been having with German! Seriously, feel free to email me anytime as I have been (and still am) in your shoes and it has been hard, but I also know in the long run it is such a good experience for both of you together!

Think of all the cool traveling : )

Hi sba,

Thanks so much for your reply and your offer for me to email you. I may actually do that. That's so sweet of you. Your kind words are actually making me cry!! I am soooo touched. And I am sure that I will feel some feelings of resentment and confusion, if I haven't already (trying not to, but I think subconsciously I am).

Joining an expat women group sounds like an excellent idea. You know, they have something similar here in SG but I've never needed to join such a group here, since everyone here speaks English and I worked when we first came here. Actually, I forgot to mention that we moved to SG, my hubby joined me. I had a job offer, moved and then he moved 8 months later when he managed to find a suitable job in SG. He refused to move without a job at the time. But this time, it can't be helped for me. I've tried but haven't been able to find a job in SH.

I definitely intend to continue to be on PS. I am most certain that you guys will keep me sane.

I find Mandarin incredibly hard. I actually tried to learn it whilst we lived in HK but never really picked it up. Hopefully, once we're in SH and I am totally immersed in the culture, I will find it a bit easier (fingers crossed).

I laughed at the bit you said about "cool travelling"!

.

You're very sweet. I really appreciate your post and yr offer.

Thanks so much.

 

[JulieN]

Sorry, Phoenix. My SO wants to move around, too, like Switzerland, or Wisconsin.

The idea about womens expat groups sounds like a great idea. Sometimes they are even company specific, if a company hires a lot of foreigners.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/18/2009 1:58:52 PM
Author: JulieN
Sorry, Phoenix. My SO wants to move around, too, like Switzerland, or Wisconsin.

Interesting choices! I can say that Wisconsin isn''t so bad...at least Madison isn''t!

 

[justjulia]

I second the xpat group connection.

I did that through the US embassy when we lived overseas. I wonder if you could tutor English somehow, without knowing Chinese. It be interesting googling texts, picture books, that might address this...

For a while, I subed in an international school where they spoke English...I wonder if you will be near something like that...

Maybe you could work in a travel agency where you could assist English speaking travelors by phone/email (and the staff was bilingual)..

I''m just thinking out loud...

 

[justjulia]

I''m googling around.. interesting info
I haven''t read all the way through, but here''s one site...
http://www.shanghaiexpat.com/

 

[justjulia]

Hey, lookie what I found. An English job board!
http://www.newchinacareer.com/index.html

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Oh gosh, that is a big move...and I''m so sorry you''re feeling sad over it...that''s the worst feeling in the whole world.

I have never moved (at least not seriously). Last year my husbands company did a little rebalancing and we were slated to move to NC...I was sick for weeks. Literally. The thought of leaving my whole life broke my heart. So, I cannot even being to imagine how you''re feelings.

I hope you find a way to look at this relocation less as a scarafic, and move as an adventure. Hopefully it won''t be forever....

Big hugs.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 1/18/2009 2:31:44 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 1/18/2009 1:58:52 PM

Author: JulieN

Sorry, Phoenix. My SO wants to move around, too, like Switzerland, or Wisconsin.

Interesting choices! I can say that Wisconsin isn''t so bad...at least Madison isn''t!

All I can think about when I think of Wisconsin is snow...and the character in the movie "Love Actually" who goes to Wisconsin on a quest to get laid.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/18/2009 3:06:19 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 1/18/2009 2:31:44 PM

Author: neatfreak

Date: 1/18/2009 1:58:52 PM


Author: JulieN


Sorry, Phoenix. My SO wants to move around, too, like Switzerland, or Wisconsin.

Interesting choices! I can say that Wisconsin isn''t so bad...at least Madison isn''t!

All I can think about when I think of Wisconsin is snow...and the character in the movie ''Love Actually'' who goes to Wisconsin on a quest to get laid.

It''s not that bad at all I promise (says the transplanted east coaster). And normally we don''t even get much snow here, just cold!

 

[WishfulThinking]

Phoenix, I am so sorry you''re feeling down about this. I can''t even begin to imagine what it must feel like to move to a country where I don''t speak the language, have no friends or family, and wouldn''t be able to find a job. It sounds like a huge transition for you.

I am in a similar but extremely minor in comparison situation as I am moving from Massachusetts to California with my DW in order for her to pursue graduate school. I will eventually go back to school as well, but it''s complicated and for at least the first year I will be alone while she is busy with school, and thousands of miles away from friends and family. I am happy in some ways and sad in others about the move.

others have given much better advice than I can, but I just wanted to say that we will be here any time to listen if you''re feeling down and to keep you company. I know it might not be much, but I know for me at least it helps to have people to talk to who are willing to listen. Sometimes all I need are some understanding and sympathetic words.

I know it''s hard to talk to your DH about the full extent of your feelings about moving, especially since you don''t want him to feel guilty, but it might be best just to be completely forthcoming about it. I am sure he loves you and wants you to be happy! Perhaps since he is already situated there he would have some ideas about things you could do that would help ease you into the transition. I think he could probably understand how you want him to be happy and pursue this job while also understanding that it''s hard for you to deal with and makes you very sad. Your emotions right now are a balancing act between the two and I know from experience that it''s a difficult task to work through conflicting emotions.

Good luck, dear. We''ll be here for you. *big hugs*

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/18/2009 1:58:52 PM
Author: JulieN
Sorry, Phoenix. My SO wants to move around, too, like Switzerland, or Wisconsin.

The idea about womens expat groups sounds like a great idea. Sometimes they are even company specific, if a company hires a lot of foreigners.

Thank you, Julie.

I actually chuckled when I read your post. There''s big difference between moving to Switzerland and moving to Wisconsin

. I generally support the idea of moving to a different country. It does open up one''s mind. But this will be my 7th country and umpteenth move!

I will definitely start to explore the woman expat group now. Hmmmm, I hadn''t thought about other executives'' wives in DH''s company. I think it''s mostly a Chinese workforce, but definitely there are expats there - including some from SG and some from the US. It''s sure worth exploring.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/18/2009 2:58:48 PM
Author: justjulia
Hey, lookie what I found. An English job board!
http://www.newchinacareer.com/index.html

Thank you so much, justjulia, for both your emails and links. I will definitely explore them.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/18/2009 3:00:04 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Oh gosh, that is a big move...and I''m so sorry you''re feeling sad over it...that''s the worst feeling in the whole world.

I have never moved (at least not seriously). Last year my husbands company did a little rebalancing and we were slated to move to NC...I was sick for weeks. Literally. The thought of leaving my whole life broke my heart. So, I cannot even being to imagine how you''re feelings.

I hope you find a way to look at this relocation less as a scarafic, and move as an adventure. Hopefully it won''t be forever....

Big hugs.

It is a big move and I am sad because I am leaving my whole life behind in SG, or at least that''s how it feels right now.

I remember when I got offered the job in HK, I jumped at it and couldn''t wait to move. But that was thirteen years ago and I was sooooo ready for adventure then.

Fast forward thirteen years (and mind you, during this time, we moved from HK to SG and moved house several times) and I find myself too old (early forties) and too settled to want to move at all, let alone to another place where I know nobody and have no job to go to.

I guess I wrote my OP first to talk about it, and second to ask for practical suggestions on how to make my life in SH a little easier. Thanks for all your kind words and support.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/18/2009 8:18:50 PM
Author: WishfulThinking
Phoenix, I am so sorry you're feeling down about this. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to move to a country where I don't speak the language, have no friends or family, and wouldn't be able to find a job. It sounds like a huge transition for you.

I am in a similar but extremely minor in comparison situation as I am moving from Massachusetts to California with my DW in order for her to pursue graduate school. I will eventually go back to school as well, but it's complicated and for at least the first year I will be alone while she is busy with school, and thousands of miles away from friends and family. I am happy in some ways and sad in others about the move.

others have given much better advice than I can, but I just wanted to say that we will be here any time to listen if you're feeling down and to keep you company. I know it might not be much, but I know for me at least it helps to have people to talk to who are willing to listen. Sometimes all I need are some understanding and sympathetic words.

I know it's hard to talk to your DH about the full extent of your feelings about moving, especially since you don't want him to feel guilty, but it might be best just to be completely forthcoming about it. I am sure he loves you and wants you to be happy! Perhaps since he is already situated there he would have some ideas about things you could do that would help ease you into the transition. I think he could probably understand how you want him to be happy and pursue this job while also understanding that it's hard for you to deal with and makes you very sad. Your emotions right now are a balancing act between the two and I know from experience that it's a difficult task to work through conflicting emotions.

Good luck, dear. We'll be here for you. *big hugs*

Thank you soooo much, Wishful, for your kind and detailed reply and suggestions.

When are you moving to California? Do you have a thread about it? Just as you're here for me, i'd like to be here for you too should you wish to reach out for some company. Are both you and yr DW doing a PhD? I know you've written on the thread about theses/ research students etc, and I have to confess I haven't read the whole thread but am aware you're writing a paper. Gonna scoot off and read the thread in a short while

. Well done to both of you for going to graduate school (albeit at different times). As someone who *loves* studying and whose dream is to get a PhD, I wholeheartedly applaud you

. Actually, I was thinking perhaps I could look into doing a PhD there but this is not really feasible as I'd really like to get back into work and earn some money.

It's kind of hard for me to really talk to DH to the full extent about this, for several reasons: He's not really a "social butterfly" (for lack of a better phrase) like I am. He's quite happy with his own company and has never really needed to have loads of friends. Sure, he has friends that he goes out with from time to time, but I can count the number of good friends he has on one hand. I've always been very independent and have taken care of myself (both financially and emotionally), so I think he's kind of not fully into why I am sad and apprehensive, nor can he really perceive this. He's travelled to China extensively for the last couple of decades and does not find it as strange and difficult as I (will) do. I will definitely try to make my feelings clearer to him, but to be absolutely honest, I am not really sure what he can do about it. I will explore the expat scene there and see if we can get ourselves into some kind of functions where we can make friends with like-minded people and expand our circle of friends.

Thanks again for your kind words. Good luck to you and DW too. Big {{{HUGS}}} back to you both.

 

[WishfulThinking]

I promise not to threadjack too much, but I''ll answer a few of your questions here.

We are both graduating undergrad this May, and will probably move mid-summer. I think I will start a thread about it once we know more about where we are going and sort out everything about our marriage and other details. We will know a lot more about the move when S gets her replies back about graduate school. We don''t even know where we''ll be moving to at this point, so everything feels very up in the air for it being not too far in the distance. DW is hopefully starting her PhD this coming fall, and I plan to wait a year, although the year might turn into two. We both need PhDs for the careers we want to pursue so we figure the sooner we can start and finish the better off we will be in the long run. The paper I am writing is actually my undergrad thesis, so nothing fancy like the other brilliant ladies I converse with in the student thread. Like you DW and I both love studying! I understand it''s difficult to go back after entering the workforce and needing to earn money. I hope someday you get to fulfill your dreams!

It does sound like there''s not a lot your DH can do about the situation. Hopefully he can just be there for you as a companion and rock as you''re adjusting to the change of moving. I completely understand your feelings about now wanting to move again-- it seems like you''ve done so much traveling in your lives, and although travel is great, it''s nice to settle down someplace. Do you think that you will stay in China for a long while? Although mandarin is a hard language to learn it will be much easier once you are there and immersed in it. I admit I don''t know much about Shanghai; do many people speak English there? Finding expat groups as others suggested sounds like an excellent idea and way to make friends who speak your language and perhaps make you feel less isolated.

And, if all else fails we will be here as a support system for you. PS dust and well-wishes seem to be a truly magical thing. You are in my thoughts right now!

 

[clammer]

Phoenix - I casually lurk here, but had to log in to reply to you. I went through the exact same ordeal that you are going through. We were in Shanghai for a year and now live in a small town of six million in the northeastern part of China.

I will try to answer any questions you have and I can recommend some groups that I have found helpful. Just let me know.

If it makes you feel better, I have been here almost five years and can speak just enough of the language to get around, order at restaurants, etc... In Shanghai, it is reasonably easy to go about day to day activities without knowing the language.

 

[D2B]

I can totally understand your concerns. we have also moved countries a few times for DH work. We lived for a while in a non-english speaking country as well.

For me what worked was research, preperation and getting out there and networking my butt off. For me it helped me feel in control of a situation where I had no control.

I would recommend reading all you can about the culture, buisness environment
joining expat web forums
definately learning the langauge
joining the local expat network
what help will your DH''s work be in helping you find suitable work? My husbands previous organisation, provided job help, contacts and in fact I was hired in the same company, different division.
any business womens networks you could join (which also speak english?)
do the meet and greet with other wives to get local contacts / networks. (It is the simple things like finding xy shop, how to send letters, etc that can be so daunting, unless you have other expat wives to talk to and ask.

My advice is get out and mingle, mingle, mingle - and from what I have read from your posts, you will have no problem with the networking side

good luck, it is daunting, but exciting and will open up a whole new world of opportunities and experiences.

d2b

 

[sba771]

I wanted to add an extremely superficial potential positive, but since you are on PS you will probably appreciate it. We moved right around my birthday and I had my eye on a bracelet from Cartier, but things got hectic with the move and all. Well fast forward 2 months and one random Tuesday night my FI surprises me the Love bracelet so if there is anything special you have your eye on, maybe now is the time to nudge your DH

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/18/2009 11:06:46 PM
Author: WishfulThinking
I promise not to threadjack too much, but I'll answer a few of your questions here.

We are both graduating undergrad this May, and will probably move mid-summer. I think I will start a thread about it once we know more about where we are going and sort out everything about our marriage and other details. We will know a lot more about the move when S gets her replies back about graduate school. We don't even know where we'll be moving to at this point, so everything feels very up in the air for it being not too far in the distance. DW is hopefully starting her PhD this coming fall, and I plan to wait a year, although the year might turn into two. We both need PhDs for the careers we want to pursue so we figure the sooner we can start and finish the better off we will be in the long run. The paper I am writing is actually my undergrad thesis, so nothing fancy like the other brilliant ladies I converse with in the student thread. Like you DW and I both love studying! I understand it's difficult to go back after entering the workforce and needing to earn money. I hope someday you get to fulfill your dreams!

It does sound like there's not a lot your DH can do about the situation. Hopefully he can just be there for you as a companion and rock as you're adjusting to the change of moving. I completely understand your feelings about now wanting to move again-- it seems like you've done so much traveling in your lives, and although travel is great, it's nice to settle down someplace. Do you think that you will stay in China for a long while? Although mandarin is a hard language to learn it will be much easier once you are there and immersed in it. I admit I don't know much about Shanghai; do many people speak English there? Finding expat groups as others suggested sounds like an excellent idea and way to make friends who speak your language and perhaps make you feel less isolated.

And, if all else fails we will be here as a support system for you. PS dust and well-wishes seem to be a truly magical thing. You are in my thoughts right now!

I don't know whether I am just extra vulnerable right now or it is just you guys being so amazing supportive that I just found myself tearing up again!! {{{{HUGS}}}

Threadjack as much as you like. In fact, since I am the OP and you're answering my questions, very kindly and in great details, it's absolutely fine. Please threadjack away!!

Kudos to you for finishing your undergrad first before embarking for grad school. One step at a time, I'd say. You sound very intelligent (and I mean that sincerely) and I am really happy for you that you both know what you want and how you're going to make it happen. If you don't mind my asking (and pls feel free not to answer if you don't feel comfortable sharing), what careers do you and yr DW plan to have? I do wish that finances were not an issue and I could pursue my dream. Thanks so much for your kind wish. In fact, you know, theoretically, I could do it if we were to cut back on our spending (particularly my diamond purchases, God forbid, he he

), I could totally do a PhD. But you know what it's like, once you get used to a particular type of lifestyle, it's really hard to make changes. In any case, neither one of us has any inheritance to speak of (not that we'd wish to have the inheritance instead of our parents - we'd much rather the latter) or money passed down to us, so we're basically on our own and have to plan our retirement (I know, pretty depressing!!

).

I realise that there's really not a lot DH can do. He's pretty much a practical kind of guy. It's all about :"Just get down to it and get on with it"! His contract is five years, so it's not so short but not forever. You're right too, about once I'm there and am immersed in the culture, the language, it'll be easier (I hope!!). But at the moment, the whole idea of moving freaks me out. You're also right that we've both travelled so much, me particularly, that it'd be nice just to settle somewhere. I just want him to be there for me, as you said, and to be a rock that I can rely on. The problem is, as mentioned earlier, I've always taken care of myself (since the age of 14 really), and certainly during the time DH has known me so it just does not occur to him (or at least that's how I perceive it) that I may feel vulnerable at times. Hopefully, I can learn to be a bit more vocal and get him to be more supportive once I am there.

I have personally found SH to be a very non-English speaking place (which is totally understandable, why should they be otherwise?!). Other people have told me otherwise and that you can get by without being able to speak the language, but I have yet to find this to be true. Perhaps because I am Asian that the Chinese automatically assume that I am Chinese (again totally understandable) and insist on only speaking to me in Chinese and expect me to reply in Chinese also.

Hopefully, once I've made some friends, things will get easier.

Thank you soooo very much for your very thoughtful and detailed replies. I very much appreciate your kindness.

{{{BIG MASSIVE HUGS}}}

 

[akw94]

Hi Phoenix,
I can relate to many of your feelings. Over the summer, I moved to another country (was in the US). They speak another language, which I am learning, but nowhere near bilingual. I moved b/c my husband was transferred here. I also have a son who had to transfer schools and learn the language. He goes to an English speaking school and is picking up the language faster but still, it''s a challenge.

While in the US, I practiced law, always worked, had friends and family, knew the area, spoke the language, etc... I came here and everything is different. No job, inability to communicate effectively, no friends, no family (other than the immediate). It''s not easy, I won''t lie to you. But it''s getting better. I have to actively make a decision to put myself out there as I''m not very outgoing and social. We live in a great area where there are other Americans and English speakers so that helps. But even with them, I have to push myself to go and talk to the other moms and be friendly. Especially when I am down, I feel it''s even harder to be social but I make myself. I''ve also become actively involved in my son''s school. That helps to keep me busy and make other friends. I''ve become friends with wives of my husband''s co-workers. That helps a lot b/c many are in a similar position.

I also Substitute Teach at the English speaking private schools here. It keeps me busy, gives me a little income and also broadens my network. I have such a need to keep busy that I started my own business, a cupcake business. Nothing I would''ve thought to do before but having the free time has opened my options a bit. Like you, I can''t continue with my career b/c of language. I would have to take the bar here, classes aren''t in English nor is the local bar. Even if I could manage that somehow, I wouldn''t be able to practice due to the language. In some ways, I''m lucky b/c I decided that I don''t want to take the bar and continue to practice anyway, so it''s not such a huge issue that I can''t practice. But not being able to work is a huge issue for me. It''s also not just not working but not having a career, not doing something that fulfills me and satisfies me, that is hard. That''s why I really try to fill up my time and pursue other interests and see where this opportunity will take me.

I make an effort to go workout, get together with others, Substitute teach, go to the school, whatever I can to pass the time and make me feel better. Finding others around you that are experiencing a similar situation helps b/c it reminds you that what you are feeling is normal.

I have good days and bad days. I try to stay positive, but I also realized lately that it''s ok to admit that this is hard. It''s ok to admit you aren''t happy but then try to find out what you can do to change that. Rather than wallow in it for too long, try to find your own path to happiness. It''s out there! I am finding mine but it takes time and a lot of personal effort. My inclination is still to stay inside, but I keep pushing myself and it gets better and easier. Although my friends are not the same, I am making friends. Although it''s a new language, I am learning it and will be better off to know it. Although I''m not working, new opportunities are opening up for me and that''s exciting. One path I''m pursuing is teaching. I thought about this a lot while in the States but could never find a way to leave the law. Now, I have a way and have the chance to try something new. Yes, my options are limited to English speaking schools but there are some here. I just have to make the effort to stay in touch with them and make something happen.

I find that I really am in charge of my own happiness here. I made a commitment to this new life, and I owe it to myself and my family to give it everything that I have. Please don''t think that it means I am happy every day and don''t complain about this or that, but I am trying my hardest to make it work.

I know what you mean about saying there''s nothing your husband can really do about how you feel. I understand that but what he can do is listen. He may not be able to solve your problems but being able to talk to someone about them does help, at least it does for me. I need to be able to talk about it. I don''t always share my thoughts day to day b/c a lot of it is my own mental struggle but when I do, I know he''s there for me. He''s willing to listen and tries his best to offer up ideas and thoughts to make things easier for me. Knowing that someone is there, in my corner, when I am feeling very lonely is important to me. After all, he''s the reason that I moved so I have to keep communicating with him and not let this move put distance between us.

I know that was very long, sorry, but I hope it was helpful in some way (I guess I needed to hear it too, even from myself).

Write anytime!!

 

[LadyluvsLuxury]

Phoenix you''ve been given alot of good advice already, but just remember you won''t ever be alone. You''ve got us here at PScope

But also once you move over there you''ll find alot of spouses in a similar situation, and imagine the kind of friendships you can forge being expat''s! I''ve never lived overseas long term only a few months here and there but it never ceased to amaze me how many different types of people I met (and many were English speaking, although not necessairily Americans). Also, think about all the neat places that you can easily travel to while you are in that part of the world. It''s not going to be easy and you WILL have a period of adjustment but there are alot of positive memories and experiences that can come out of this too. Please keep us up to date on your move!

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 1/19/2009 8:15:16 AM
Author: Phoenix


I don''t know whether I am just extra vulnerable right now or it is just you guys being so amazing supportive that I just found myself tearing up again!! {{{{HUGS}}}


Threadjack as much as you like. In fact, since I am the OP and you''re answering my questions, very kindly and in great details, it''s absolutely fine. Please threadjack away!!

Kudos to you for finishing your undergrad first before embarking for grad school. One step at a time, I''d say. You sound very intelligent (and I mean that sincerely) and I am really happy for you that you both know what you want and how you''re going to make it happen. If you don''t mind my asking (and pls feel free not to answer if you don''t feel comfortable sharing), what careers do you and yr DW plan to have? I do wish that finances were not an issue and I could pursue my dream. Thanks so much for your kind wish. In fact, you know, theoretically, I could do it if we were to cut back on our spending (particularly my diamond purchases, God forbid, he he

), I could totally do a PhD. But you know what it''s like, once you get used to a particular type of lifestyle, it''s really hard to make changes. In any case, neither one of us has any inheritance to speak of (not that we''d wish to have the inheritance instead of our parents - we''d much rather the latter) or money passed down to us, so we''re basically on our own and have to plan our retirement (I know, pretty depressing!!

).


I realise that there''s really not a lot DH can do. He''s pretty much a practical kind of guy. It''s all about :''Just get down to it and get on with it''! His contract is five years, so it''s not so short but not forever. You''re right too, about once I''m there and am immersed in the culture, the language, it''ll be easier (I hope!!). But at the moment, the whole idea of moving freaks me out. You''re also right that we''ve both travelled so much, me particularly, that it''d be nice just to settle somewhere. I just want him to be there for me, as you said, and to be a rock that I can rely on. The problem is, as mentioned earlier, I''ve always taken care of myself (since the age of 14 really), and certainly during the time DH has known me so it just does not occur to him (or at least that''s how I perceive it) that I may feel vulnerable at times. Hopefully, I can learn to be a bit more vocal and get him to be more supportive once I am there.


I have personally found SH to be a very non-English speaking place (which is totally understandable, why should they be otherwise?!). Other people have told me otherwise and that you can get by without being able to speak the language, but I have yet to find this to be true. Perhaps because I am Asian that the Chinese automatically assume that I am Chinese (again totally understandable) and insist on only speaking to me in Chinese and expect me to reply in Chinese also.


Hopefully, once I''ve made some friends, things will get easier.


Thank you soooo very much for your very thoughtful and detailed replies. I very much appreciate your kindness.


{{{BIG MASSIVE HUGS}}}

I have been very emotional lately too, so I completely relate. More big hugs to you! You really have been on my mind these last few days, although it sounds corny to say. It''s amazing how much the internet fosters personal connections between people. I think it''s great!

I''m glad you don''t mind the threadjack. Your thread, your rules!

That you for the kind words about DW and me. We are trying to take things one step at a time, and they are truly minuscule steps, so the going is slow. In some ways that is good, and in others it is bad. I definitely do not want to leave my college... ever! I absolutely adore it here, and I know the grad school environment is going to be different in a lot of ways, in part because of the curriculum differences, but also because it will be co-ed [we go to an all-women''s college] and a large university rather than a small undergrad-only liberal arts school. Different is not always bad, but it can be daunting, as you know! Because our focus is really on graduating and keeping our grades up as much as possible and working on our honors theses our minds are busy, which helps us not to obsess too much about the move, which we have very little control over. I don''t mind sharing one bit--erm, I love to talk about myself, clearly

-- DW and I both aspire to be college professors. DW studies women''s studies/gender studies/queer studies-type things, which are the grad programs she is applying to. I am more of a political science person, although my academic interests intersect with public policy and gender/queer studies. I am all about political and critical theory, which is what I would like to teach at the college level. We know it will be hard to both be professors and it doesn''t require a bit of moving around, especially in the early days, but it''s what we want to do and I am sure we will find ways to balance it out when the time comes. Finances are definitely an issue for us as well, so I relate. We both come from very working-class families and are the first to go to college so it is really all on us at this point, and is requiring a lot of loans to get through it. We''d much rather get all the school done at once and establish a career afterwards. I can only imagine how difficult the transition between school-->work-->more school is, both emotionally and financially. It is a difficult situation, for sure.

It is so great that you have always been so independent. I really admire that in a person! DW and I are both pretty independent, but we have allowed each other into our "bubble" and do lean on each other a lot. It has taken a lot of emotional work on both our parts to allow ourselves to open up and lean on someone else. It is scary and new for us. I bet your husband would understand, especially in time, your need to lean on him in this unique situation and understand that. Hopefully both things can occur at once: you will adjust more and more with time--which I am sure you will!--and as this happens he will understand your need to have his support in the midst of so many changes.

It is interesting the difference in opinions about the need for language-skills in Shanghai. You will find out what works for you in time-- as scary as that is! I am terrible with languages [absolutely rotten!] and would feel very daunted by that task, but I guess all one can do is try to work with the situation. You are such a strong and intelligent person, and I bet once you get over your initial fears you will fare well. It is perhaps true that your being Asian would cause people to think you spoke the language. I fear I am so obviously the "clueless American" when I go abroad, and people always seem to switch to English when they know it, out of pity for my poor incompetent self.

I think it may be a compliment that they don''t try to do that to you... I''ll admit it is a little embarrassing!

Again, I will be here for you and many others as well. I am enjoying conversing with you much more than writing the remainder of my thesis draft! I know, I am so bad.

I suppose it will get done somehow... as it always seems to. But for the time being I''ll hang out on PS until I''ve procrastinated to the point of true panic.

I am sending more hugs your way and positive vibes!

 

[Beacon]

Hi Phoenix, I don''t have any experience like this but I just wanted to say that I empathize with your situation and really feel for you and hope you will find some happy things in China that will surpise you and make you feel better about the move. Good thing is that you can always fly around and visit your friends and family. Telephone, internet is there for you - you will not be cut off!

In one way the whole thing is a big adventure and you will have a great new set of life experiences from this happening.

Also, we are always here for you so don''t forget that!

 

[swimmer]

Hugs to you Phoenix!
I think you might have hit the nail on the head with the expectations of people in Shanghai that you will speak Mandarin/Shanghainese because you "look Asian." I do not but have personally found that Shanghai was pretty easy to live in as far as only knowing food words and numbers. Then again, no one expects a tall "mei guo" to understand. The expat community is growing tremendously, I even joined a synagogue while there for a semester; there is a coffee shop in Xintiandi where I get hit on by American or Israeli guys most every time I''m there, approx 2xs a year for the past 7 yrs. I guess I''m trying to say "it could be worse," since Shanghai is no rural outpost, but that isn''t very empathic. I do love Shanghai for the excitement, blend of nationalities, and amazing cultural scene. I hope you find peace wherever you go, hopefully you will find an expat group there, I visit http://shanghaiist.com to sometimes get my fix on the Shanghai scene. They have a four story Marks and Spencer now...

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 1/19/2009 5:33:49 AM
Author: sba771
I wanted to add an extremely superficial potential positive, but since you are on PS you will probably appreciate it. We moved right around my birthday and I had my eye on a bracelet from Cartier, but things got hectic with the move and all. Well fast forward 2 months and one random Tuesday night my FI surprises me the Love bracelet so if there is anything special you have your eye on, maybe now is the time to nudge your DH

He he, it's not superficial at all!! I appreciate it HUGELY!!

Do you have a picture of your Cartier Love bracelet, esp hand pics? I totally

!! What a sweetie your FI is.

Actually, there are two things (yes, only 2 things, he he

) I absolutely have my eyes on:

1) an upgrade to 4.50ct ACA studs

2) a 5.50ct approx Cartier EC, secondhand from an on-line vendor but still very very expensive!!

I can't imagine DH ever buying me no 2, but no 1, yes!! An absolute possibility (if that's not an oxymoron!), YES!! If no 2 is not realistic (which it mostly likely isn't, he he), then an upgrade of my RB to a 4.5-5ct!!

Here's to wishing and hoping,

.

[ETA: Hang on, reality check: I wonder if it'd be safe for me to wear my bling in SH?!!

] I really really hope so!!

 

[sba771]

Oh my gosh- I LOVE EC''s!!! I think there was a Harry Winston on signed pieces a while back that I was drooling over

so I can only imagine what a 5+ carat from Cartier would be like. I am also in love with their boxes. It is silly I know. I am going to try to attach some pictures, but they are not my best. I actually have the bracelet and the matching necklace