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Wedding vs eloping....

Discussion in 'Ladies in Waiting' started by Izzy03, Jul 1, 2008.

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  1. Izzy03
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    by Izzy03 » Jul 1, 2008
    More and more I am looking at the costs of weddings and wondering if it is all worth it. I know to get the kind of wedding I want, I am going to have to spend big bucks.

    After much debate, I decided that a very small destination wedding would be ideal for me. In my Hispanic culture it is pretty much expected that everyone you have EVER known is to invited to your wedding and that is not what I want my day to be about! So a destination wedding would be perfect because everyone would be invited, but only the people who mattered would go all that way to be there.

    Problem: While I had the idea of having about 30-50 guests, my mom decided that was absurd. She felt a 100 guest wedding was still small and realistic. Um, NO! And she also didn''t like my destination wedding approach. She feels it should be done in St Augustine, FL which is where my BF lives. She definitely wants the whole sha-bang, and has even stated on one occasion that she AND my father should walk me down the isle. I don''t think so!

    I know that this is MY day and not my moms, but she is very pushy and would be funding the wedding, so telling her to back off is easier said than done. I know getting things done my way would be a hassle all the way to the end.

    I always saw myself having a traditional wedding but now I think about the money for a dress I will only use ONCE! Flowers that will die, money money money!

    All of a sudden, eloping is sounding so much more logical and romantic. I think I would rather pocket the money for a future than shell it out for one day.

    Sorry for the long rant. Is anyone else feeling this pressure?
     
  2. blondebunny
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    by blondebunny » Jul 1, 2008
    Well, to help your decision
    1) If your mom is paying for it, is she still going to give you the money she would have spent on a wedding to use for something else if you just elope??
    2) Your dress does not have to be expensive..there are many options to purchasing an inexpensive dresses...just takes some time,patient, and research.
    3) You dont have to use flowers in your decorations. There are so many other options now a days to use as your centerpieces (You could figure out something that could be favors for guests or things you could resell for another bride to use, or things you or someone could use as decorations in there house)
    4) My mother is very pushy too, and wants to walk me down the aisle... But you have to remember too that she is paying for it, and second, she might have had a dream since you were born to walk you down the aisle, for me im mommys little girl, and she mostly raised me, so I dunno...
    Just my .02
    Goodluck!

    Oh ya...what does you BF want though?? You have to remember to take into account what he has always wanted... Mine threw me for a loop telling me he wanted to get married in a church..me and his mom about feel on the floor..
     
  3. fieryred33143
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    by fieryred33143 » Jul 1, 2008
    I just had this very same conversation with my mom not five minutes ago.

    I really want a wedding but I want a kick a$$ honeymoon more. So I''m thinking court, honeymoon, quiet dinner with the family is the way to go.

    But then my mom convinced me not to. She agrees that weddings are way too expensive for one day but she feels its worth it to have one, even if a really small one.

    I love the idea of eloping. I think its incredibly romantic.

    If you do decide on having a wedding, here''s a book that my best friend purchased that has been extremely helpful in teaching us how to cut costs (she''s getting married in November...destination wedding).

    It''s called "Fire your wedding planner" by someone that I can''t remember right now LOL I''ll get the full name for you[​IMG]
     
  4. wishful
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    by wishful » Jul 1, 2008
    Yeah, BF and I don''t have anyone who will be "funding" our wedding and our families are spread out too far anyway.

    So we are probably going to get married in a simple ceremony on our honeymoon! Just the two of us.
    I''ve already been looking into things (and I''m not even engaged yet! ahh...yeah...) and even Hawaii was way more than I wanted to spend! So we are thinking Belize since it was on the list of places we wanted to visit anyway!

    I just want to keep it simple and basically also keep it fair..by inviting NO ONE! That way no feelings are hurt.
    If my parents want to throw us a "reception" later on we''d be happy to do that and see the extended family.
    And we might throw a fun ( but casual) party for our local friends when we return just so everyone can take part in our celebration.
     
  5. absolut_blonde
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    by absolut_blonde » Jul 1, 2008
    What does your SO think?

    I'm with you -- I think I'd prefer a small destination wedding. My mom actually agrees with me on this! SO, however, is the hold out. I think we might meet in the middle, destination ceremony with close friends/fam and then have a big informal party once we're back. (Though to be honest, some days - like today - I feel like we could just elope tomorrow because I can't WAIT for him to be my husband!)


    My parents are really hands-off overall so I don't have much experience with this & may not be of much help... But is there any way you can work out a compromise? Maybe along the lines of what I mentioned above with a small ceremony away and then a party for those who were unable to make it?

    Honestly, having a wedding that was not at all what I want would make me miserable, personally. I realize small compromises are inevitable but having twice the amount of guests that you would want is quite a dramatic difference. And although you do want to be considerate of your loved ones/potential guests, having an event you're not really happy with isn't fair to you either.
     
  6. Dreamgirl
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    by Dreamgirl » Jul 1, 2008

    Funny you mention all of this. My Mom and I had a similar discussion yesterday because of an article she read in the paper. She read the average wedding cost $20-30,000 in our area. She thinks over $10,000 is a waste of money for a wedding because its one day then its over. Well, I figured Id have a small wedding anyhow because ALL family with the exception to my parents and brother all live out of state. I had always hoped that I could get some family to come out for my wedding one day but with gas/airline prices.......good luck [​IMG]


    I would like to have a wedding, at least a small wedding. I don't want to go to JP to get married. It just wouldn't feel like we were "married." And after this long together, I feel we would deserve a celebration. And I would like to have family around to be there with us on our special day. She suggested why not taking the wedding where most of my family lives so that they could be at my wedding, but I said it would be hard to plan a wedding out of state. I asked SO his thoughts about it last night and he said he would not be comfortable having a wedding someplace he isn't used to being at, which Im fine with because I sort of feel the same way.


    So here is my question: If I got my dream wedding site that cost $2540, and my dream photographer along with his wife that cost $3200.....with under 50 guests (prices may change within 2-3 years), could I really have a wedding very much under $10,000? Because that would leave me with $3260 for a dress, flowers, cake, food.....etc. Ive been thinking about asking in the BWW area since yesterday. Maybe I will do that. Because I agree with her that over $10,000 is INSANE and I KNOW for a fact that SO would think so for sure. lol! I also think I would be paying for MOST of my wedding one day. Also, my guess is that if family couldn't come out other than a few of them....we would probably end up with less than 30 guests, which is fine. I just wonder if under $10,000 is even possible. I hope so, because I don't think I want to pay more than that.

     
  7. Izzy03
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    by Izzy03 » Jul 1, 2008
    My BF doesn''t care how we get married. He will do it however I want it, which is great! His parents eloped so they are fine with whatever we decide.

    My dad is very simple and thinks weddings are huge waste of money. He has told me he hopes I do something very simple. As long as he is informed of our intention to "elope" he would be fine with it.

    So the big obstacle is my mother. It would crush her if she couldn''t be there for my wedding, and I am very sympathetic of that. My parents are still happily married so I don''t know where their different opinions of weddings come from. When I told her I would love to honeymoon in Brazil, she asked if she could come along. Not kidding either, she was dead serious. Said she would stay out of our hair and do her own thing (she loves to travel). She really just means to be helpful, but she just can''t help herself!
     
  8. Izzy03
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    by Izzy03 » Jul 1, 2008
    Dreamgirl~ I agree, we need some opinions from people who have been there done that!
     
  9. blondebunny
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    by blondebunny » Jul 1, 2008
    you can DEFINITELY do a wedding for only 10,000. It just takes time and patience, and research.

    Dream girl, you would have $4260 left, which is a decent amount....Does your dream site include ceremony and reception?? Is that a rental fee or whats included...

    Anyways you can find a nice dress for inexpensive.. Julius Bridal does designer knockoffs or custom... I have read review on WC..just gotta make sure you order it with plenty of time... But I mean its a decent print for a dress you love..?
    If worried about money for bridesmaid and what not, maybe have them pay for it, and thats more money towards food and stuff...

    As far as cakes go... I think its ridiculous that amount of money they charge for a cake...seriously lol.. I bought the wilton books from Joanns and have been teaching myself how to do the fondant cakes (only have made 3 and have gotten many compliments.. I can show you them, they are super easy, and you can do an easy design that looks really elegant and fun) Or if you have a friend that wants to learn, tell them you will pay for them to take the classes if they make you a cake..the classes only cost like $60 total for all 3...thats better than $600 for a cake..or I saw that publix is actually making wedding cakes now.. OR you can always rent/make a fake cake with a real layer to cut and then serve sheet cake to guests...

    For food, try a restaurant you like, alot of times they good prices for catering, and you can just get stuff to dress it up and make it a buffet...

    As for flowers...
    I have been looking and have found websites online that you can buy flowers from and make your own arrangements the day prior to your wedding...I myself am creative/artsy so its something I want to do, but if not, maybe you can go the other route of not having a traditional centerpiece or doing candles or something?? Or actually Feathers... whcih I think are gorgeous.. and you can resell them after you wedding and actually make a profit.. :)
    I attached a picture.. Let me know if you want any of the websites to those things bcuz i have alot saved...I know its weird...but I am a huge I like things planned way before because I see how people get stressed and I dont like getting stressed because I get sick when I get stressed and ya...lol :)

    But seriously it is REALLY Do-able on a 10,000 budget!! :)

    feathercenterpieceEA.jpg
     
  10. bobbin
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    by bobbin » Jul 1, 2008
    I plan on having a very small wedding, immediate family plus one friend each (with a few exceptions- my nephew, cousin and second cousin are like my immediate family and I want them to be ther). Around 14 people including us.

    I know the location- they charge a per person fee of $5 to use the grounds.

    After that we will go and have a nice dinner somewhere close. I have priced it all (including photographer- we have a friend that will do it for free, dress etc) at $2500. We will go on our honeymoon which I am hoping that we will be able to save enough despite our mortgage for it to be a trip to Europe and then when we come back we will have an ''engagement'' party at which we will announce that we are actually married.

    That way we get a nice, low-stress day for ourselves when we marry AND a big party and we will save a whole heap of money. Particularly as most places as soon as they hear ''wedding'' mark their prices up a ridiculous amount. From what I have seen here, they don''t do that for engagement parties (and the venue will be a bowls club so low cost anyway).

    I was stressed out enough with my 21st party having to look after all my guests. I don''t want that for my wedding day. My parents won''t mind- they were married in a civil registry without telling anyone they were doing it. Not sure what SO''s parents will think. He isn''t too cluey about their past.
     
  11. Dreamgirl
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    by Dreamgirl » Jul 1, 2008
    blondebunny- Oops, I calculated wrong. OOOOOOOOOOH yes please share any/all websites you have found!!! I already have a collection of bookmarked pages with info for the future!! I know its sort of funny that I worry about this when Im not even engaged. But its stuff that is always in the back of my head.

    The dream site includes ceremony and reception for 7 hours, 5 hours for guests, along with "unlimited tables and chairs, an assortment of 30 different colors of linen (for seated, buffet, cake, DJ, guest book and gift tables), unlimited china (gold or silver rimmed), and unlimited flatware. Please know that the linen for the head table/sweetheart table and linen napkins are an additional charge."

    Only problem with this place is that they are exclusive to their in house caterer! They don't mention how much that cost. Along with "Non-Alcoholic Beverage Charge: We will provide all of the non-alcoholic beverages to include: water, juice, soda, tonic water, club soda, coffee and ice, along with an unlimited amount of glassware to include bar glassware for your event. This charge is mandatory and is $4.75 per person." Which is sort of expensive in my opinion and I hate that its MANDATORY! lol

    I don't think its weird that you like things planned well before......because in my head I have an idea of what I already want! lol! Thank you, you are too kind and quite helpful. I like to hear that a wedding could happen for under $10,000. Even 2-3 years from now? THAT is exciting to know and gives me hope again.

    [​IMG]
     
  12. blondebunny
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    by blondebunny » Jul 1, 2008
    Ya that was what my original budget I had in mind (granted im not engaged either), but before maybe a month ago, I thought we would be getting married next year because of him going to medical school, but we both talked about it and decided for him to do the masters research program which is 2 years, and gives us more time so we dont rush into things... which is good for me, bcuz I can save more. But seriously dont let ANYONE tell you that you cant have a wedding on 10,000. Ill personally help you because I think it should be known that it can be done on that amount. I watch all those weddings show, and FF and I just sit here and go..thats a house and 5 cars...lol its just outrageous the amount that they spend on a wedding!! I just graduated with a degree in finance, but always was into the decorating thing (dad thought I should get a degree in something useless..okay cool because I cant find a job...aghhh) Anyways...I love to design and all that jazz...
    Okay well enough rambling... here are some good websites...

    I love this dress from Julius Bridal minus the weird thing in between the boobs (the mesh)

    You can find the feathers here...I already talked to them and you can buy them wholesale if you call them, and then sell them online Fabulous Feathers

    **Thats pretty good that majority of linens and what not are included because they usually add a bit much onto them..!! :) Also I dont know where you live but have you heard of Old time pottery?? They have AWESOME deals on stuff...seriously... Like candles, flowers, literally everything..hahah

    Oh also you could some FABULOUS trees like these...and only if you did one..it would look awesome on like the name table or card table or something or whatever you do for your favors (I want a candy bar so I thought itd look cool!)


    And if you go to this ebay seller...they have awesome deals on different types of vases...depending on what you want.. Ebay Seller

    Fabulous Tree
    This tree could EASILY be done, by just cutting a brand from your hard, and screwing it to something (you could do a round piece of would and decorate that with something(maybe silk flowers) and you can buy the crystals from here..fairly cheap(may even be able to do a couple trees with it?)
    Faboulous Crystals granted these are curtains but you can cut them..and you see all the styles you can change to your own..

    Oh ya also if you have any Jo-Anns or Michaels close you can sign up for their flyers and emails and receive lots of 40% off coupons on stuff..which saves a TON of money!!!! And if you know anyone that is a teacher, at Joanns you can get an extra 15% off too!!

    Invitations are a whole other story...tons of different options you can do for very little if your willing to spend some time!! :)

    Ok well thats alot to read.. I can go on forever...Hopefully you will get engaged soon (I saw your other post...hehehe) and then I can really help ya!! :) Just let me know I love to help find stuff!! And that goes for anyone else too..
     
  13. blondebunny
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    by blondebunny » Jul 1, 2008
    i forgot to attach a pic of my graduation cake I made ( only my third attempt!!) and granted i did it in one night because I had to work the next day...so it could have been much better... I will show my easter cake too its gorgeous!

    eagraduationcake.jpg
     
  14. blondebunny
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    by blondebunny » Jul 1, 2008
    here is the easter cake (you can see I was just learning how to do layers and couldnt cut the fondant very well..HAHAHAHA my bad.. I learned though...do not use a butter knife..hahah

    Oh Izzy sorry for hijacking your thread but you did want the info on the 10,000 wedding too right?? Im from Orlando so if you need any ideas where places are a good deal I can tell ya!

    eaeastercake.jpg
     
  15. Izzy03
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    by Izzy03 » Jul 1, 2008
    Blondebunny~ I knew I would eventually find an Orlando PS buddy!
     
  16. fieryred33143
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    by fieryred33143 » Jul 2, 2008
    I grew up in Orlando!!

    Well actually Kissimmee but its only 15 minutes away[​IMG]
     
  17. KCCutie
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    by KCCutie » Jul 2, 2008
    I''m with you ladies! 20-30K is way too much to spend on one day and eve 10K sounds ridiculous so SO and I have pretty much decided a destination wedding is the way to go. We''re more than happy having our immediate family and one or two close friends go on a kick a$$ vacation with us and hey what do you know we''re getting married while we''re there. That''s how we see it.

    Seeing his sister and his cousin try to plan weddings here in town is enough to makes me wanna pull my hair out. There''s no way I''m going through all that. My parents don''t have the money to pay for it (as my mom has had some health issues recently that kinda drained their finances) and SOs parents have said they would help us a little and pay for our honeymoon. So flying off to somewhere tropical and paying 3-5K for a wedding package and having my family there seems like the best way to go. Plus we don''t want a long engagement, seriously like 3-6 months tops so we wouldn''t have time to plan a big in town affair anyway.

    Besides I''m 31 the whole big wedding things seems silly to me now and all my cousins (all younger) have already done that so I have this feeling that it''s kinda old hat. Plus most of my family lives over 14 hours away and wouldn''t be able to come if it was in my hometown (even if I wanted them to, which sad to say I''m not really sure I want all of them there).

    We''ll probably have a big informal party when we return so everyone else can celebrate with us.
     
  18. Pushin40
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    by Pushin40 » Jul 2, 2008
    Blondbunny - I LOVE LOVE LOVE the feathers! Awesome idea!
     
  19. ahappygirl
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    by ahappygirl » Jul 2, 2008
    KCCutie I couldn''t agree more! You are so smart to do it this way.

    I am a big fan of small weddings or eloping but bringing/inviting your immediate family/ closest friends along. I know how much it meant to my parents to be part of the day so I can''t imagine leaving them out. Plus it''s so nice to have the $ for a wonderful honeymoon, buying a house, saving or whatever. Most of the weddings I"ve been to the couple doesn''t have a close relationship with the majority of guests - very extravagant weddings and the budget-savers - and often the meaning of the day doesn''t seem to have the depth that more initmate affairs can have. (Hopefully it was still there for the bride/groom!) Obviously you have to do what works for your situation but I was 29 when I got married and what''s important to you does change over time.

    Dreamgirl, I definitely think it''s possible to keep it under 10K and still have it where you want with a great photographer. You just have to prioritize where the cuts will come and shop around. Is your dream site available for less if it''s not on a weekend? I got married in a botanical garden so our flower budget was super small - we were already surrounded by them!
     
  20. katamari
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    by katamari » Jul 2, 2008
    Izzy: Would your mom be receptive to the eloping with a big, family reception upon your return? My SO''s cousin did this (married in a tropical location and then had a backyard BBQ to celebrate they day after they got back). That way you get the family, the vacation, and a happy mother. You could even tape the ceremony and play it during dinner.

    Also, as something to think about. One of my friends had a destination wedding and invited her whole family thinking they would not come. Then, the RSVPs started pouring in and it ended up being this huge event that cost her way more $$$ as a result.

    Blondebunny: I love the cakes! I am a total fan of DIY weddings and agree that it is silly to pay a house an a car [​IMG] for a day.
     
  21. Keepingthefaith21
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    by Keepingthefaith21 » Jul 3, 2008
    We really go back and forth on this issue. Or maybe I should say that I go back and forth on this issue. FFI is on board with whatever I decide.

    I agree that the cost of a wedding is outrageous BUT as many PSers have already pointed out, there are ways to cut costs. My worry is: when does the cutting go too far? I certainly don''t want to spend $30-40K on one day when I could think of many other uses for those funds BUT I don''t want a wedding that is shabby either! I am certainly a "do it right or don''t do it at all" person so I waffle between trying to make things work for a traditional wedding or saying "forget it" and going destination.

    Really keeping your venue options open can help A LOT. I have found that some venues actually offer package deals which include everything you''d need/want at the wedding for very reasonable prices. I''ve been to some amazing weddings with $10-17K budgets and you''d never ever guess they spent less than $30K on the event. It''s amazing what research, patience and a little extra effort can get you.
     
  22. Izzy03
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    by Izzy03 » Jul 3, 2008
    Katamari: I know this sounds a little harsh but I think definitely think my mom wants my wedding to be a little about her. I am not even engaged yet and she said she would be wearing a champagne colored dress for my wedding. I hate to burst her bubble but she is certainly not wearing champagne seeing that I may pick a champagne gown. Either way I think it is too close to the bride. She wants the traditional wedding for her own purposes, so eloping with a party afterwards would not be an option.

    She loves to travel though, so a very tiny destination wedding could work. It sounds fantastic to me, but I guess I am a little afraid I may regret not doing something slightly more traditional.
     
  23. Dreamgirl
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    by Dreamgirl » Jul 3, 2008
    blondebunny- Thanks for the links! I will check them out. You have done great with those cakes!!!!!! Wow, the bunnies are too cute too!! Ive checked out ebay for TONS of good deals on favors, etc........ [​IMG]

    ahappygirl- The dream site is much cheaper on Sundays, but I think we may *possibly* have a July 2nd wedding, so it would fall on whatever day it would fall on that year. July 2nd on a Sunday wont happen until 2012 which is still possible. Or we may just have a whole other date by the time a wedding comes along......

    keepingthefaith- I agree that I don't want to have a shabby wedding either. Ive always pictured it a certain way in my head. And keeping venue options open is definitely good! This dream venue of mine, I haven't even been there......I just love the setting of the place. I have TONS of other venues that interest me as well. Who knows, but it sure is good to know that the cost can be kept down.
     
  24. Dreamgirl
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    by Dreamgirl » Jul 5, 2008
    I just found a venue that is only $1,900 on a Saturday night! [​IMG] And it looks like a really nice place, you can have the wedding outdoors with trees all around as well as in the mountains (which is exactly what I would like to have.) and a lovely area for a reception. Hmmmmm........ I will add it to my dream wedding sites list and look more into it. (Oh, and Friday nights or Sunday nights = $1,700!!!) [​IMG] [​IMG]

    Only problem is that its about 45 minutes away, which I dont like [​IMG]
     
  25. Bliss
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    by Bliss » Jul 5, 2008
    I hear a lot of people who had huge weddings say they don't remember the day because it went by so fast and there were so many complexities it was a blur! [​IMG] Brides also say it was really stressful and often say they wished they could have eloped. I love weddings big and small, so whatever the case -- remember it is your incredible day and it WILL be beautiful! Those who have eloped have never expressed regrets in my acquaintances. They say it was intimate, lovely and so fun. The only regret I heard is that they never got to wear the gorgeous wedding gown and wished they had for photos. So I say, if you elope -- do it with a fab gown! [​IMG] I think the money you save from the wedding should buy you a gown. Doesn't have to be expensive...
     
  26. that_someone_special
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    by that_someone_special » Jul 7, 2008
    The more I think about it.. $10k for a wedding is absurd. I dont even know my bfs side of the family, so ok, $5k for people I dont know- that dont know me?? AHno. Were not engaged (yet!) but I''ve been thinking about this for a while. I initially said $9k was my budget.. but there is no way to get that for 100 people around here. Perhaps renting out a room at a restaurant for 50 would be best... It''s stressful! Sure, if I had $20k to BLOW on a wedding, I could do it. But I have $70k in student loan debt, the bf is going back to college.. It''s just not realistic, ya know??

    But damn. I''d like to have a party![​IMG]
     
  27. Izzy03
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    by Izzy03 » Jul 8, 2008
    I think I have it figured out. Small destination wedding, with a dress and a photographer, then kick butt party when we return.
     
  28. Bia
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    by Bia » Jul 8, 2008
    I would LOVE a destination wedding. The only problem is BF''s family is very large (all very close), and they live relatively in the same vicinity. Plus their family friends circle is expansive. My family is scattered in Mass and Florida, so it wouldn''t be a big deal. We have discussed it. My family wants to pay for it and his wants to contribute as well, but judging by my BF''s sister''s wedding last year, anything really nice here in NY is going to cost in the $50K and upwards range...to me, that is just absurd to spend for one day! I would much rather put that $50K into our house fund, since at some point we will want to sell the apartment and move into a house.

    Since BF is Puerto Rican and his family frequently travels there (usually once every year or every other), we are toying with the idea of having a wedding in PR. From what I hear you can have a gorgeous wedding there for 1/2 of what you''ll spend in the States. I figure if I send out save-the-dates way ahead of time, it will give people plenty of notice and they can decide if joining us is feasible.

    I''d love to hear what others have to say about them, if it was worth it or what not.
     
  29. trillionaire
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
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    by trillionaire » Jul 8, 2008
    I want to elope, but mom says it will break her heart. [​IMG]*sob* She is very dramatic. I am hoping to elope then let the families throw a party back in the states, OR have the families vacation together and maybe do a small ceremony with just the fams, (kind of like a destination wedding, but after the actual elopement, which would be stateside and just the two of us)

    And eloping for me = inexpensive wedding dress, photographer, champagne for toasting, spanish guitar player (for my arrival, and our first dance(s), and 2 cupcakes! I would also like a videographer, but that gets pricey... :)
     
  30. Izzy03
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by Izzy03 » Jul 8, 2008


    I am also Puerto Rican so that is where I would like to have the wedding, but I have a LOT of family there so my mom insists they would be offended if I did not invite them when they live just up the road. Hmmmm, eloping still sounds nice
     
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