Wedding Planning Update

[nicoleben]

I guess just a rant... so here goes.

I have previously posted about my mother wanting to help with my wedding and always having a snide remark about everything I decide. So... My wedding is Oct 15, 2011. About 11 months away. My mother has hounded me telling me to book my place for my bridal shower or it will be "too late" and I won't get the place I want. Two days ago she calls me and says "Oh hey, tell your bridesmaids, and ryans mom that I booked the bridal shower for Aug 14th at 11am for a brunch." Me:"uhmmmm thats great, did you contact the girls, and robin (rys mom)?" "mom:"no..if I waited for you guys for everything nothing would get done!" At this point, I am fuming. I know my mother means well, but she has completely done something without asking ANYONE! Her only remark is, "Who cares anyway, I'm paying for it, they aren't." I explained to my mother over and over how everyone is excited to give their opinions and their help for everything!! My FI mother especially was upset that she did not even ask, because she wanted to help pay for the bridal shower as well. I also explained to my mother that my bridesmaids had planned on paying for my shower, gifts etc needed for it. I would rather my mother give me money for my wedding day, and not on my bridal shower which essentially should be split between all 7 bridesmaids, not my 2 mothers.

Then she brings up bridesmaid dresses which I told her I was still undecided on, but it was OK because it is still 11 months away and technically my girls do not have to order anything until 6 months prior. She goes off again.. "Oh my god nicole, nothing will be left for you to pick from, all your dresses you are looking at will be gone!!" All I said was, " I will not be the only bride looking for dresses for an October wedding in March, please chill out!"

I keep changing my ideas for my wedding, and she gets mad when I do. She also becomes upset when she mentions an idea and I very simply do not like it. Is it wrong of me to say, "Hey mom, please relax, this is my wedding! Not yours!" I am just so fed uppp at this point and I still have 11 months!! It has caused so much tension between me and my mother, and my mom and FI mom that I am stressing about it because she is so uptight about everything. My mother and I can not see each other for more than 10 minutes without blowing up at each other over this STUPID STUPID WEDDING! We should just elope.

Rant ended.

 

[nicoleben]

Ohh.. sorry one more thing that got under my skin...

When we were dress shopping, my mother insisted I MUST get a veil to wear, instead of a flower, because I NEED to cover my shoulders in the church...

Well, since my wedding is a 1940's vintage theme I showed her a picture of the bird cage veils online, how it would look reallly neat with just that over my face, it would fit our theme and my dress perfectly. Mom then INSISTED I return my veil (which I couldnt, got it on clearance!) and buy the birdcage veil instead. Hmmmm Mom, I thought I needed to cover my shoulders in the church?? WOW... See, if she likes it, its ok then.. Im boggled.

Hmppph... Call me acting like a child but I am just.. Ahhh!

Ok now I am really finished.

 

[Amys Bling]

First of all, the bridesmaid dresses will not be all gone! lol. Stores carry 1 sample of each dress that they can carry, and then they order how many you need. hahaha, moms can be like that. My mom can be a little edgy and push about certain things, so I feel your pain. I think I notice more and more my mom's annoying traits as I get older, they were probably always there but as I have grown up and moved out, they are more noticable to me.

As for the shower, I guess the best you can do is explain to the girls and robin that your mom was anxious about booking early and went ahead and did it, and that she wants to pay for it.... I agree though, my bridesmaids are splitting it and the moms and contributing towards the wedding.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Wow, sounds like you are dealing with a lot. There is a lot of stuff going on here, but I think the main concern is that you are upset because you feel you mother is micromanaging your wedding.

The first issue is that it sounds like you and your mother have different opinion on the timeline. Since you do want her to help financially with the wedding, you are going to be stuck with her opinion. But maybe you can come up with a "deadline" upfront of when things need to be done by, and make a deal with her. You will stick to the deadline, and she is not allowed to bug you until it passes. Than show her a typical wedding planning timeline, and set the deadlines based on that. That way she has a very good idea of when things will be done by.

For the other stuff, I think instead of getting into specific situations, I will just say, you need to sit down with her when you are both calm and have a heart to heart about what her roll in the wedding planning process is, and how she is going to help other's feel included.

My MIL was kind of the same way in that she wanted to be very involved in the process. I assigned her very specific jobs and gave her full decision making power on those things. She got so wrapped up with those, she kind of forgot about the rest of my wedding, which was my goal.

 

[megumic]

I'd just make decisions without your mom and don't tell her about it until the deposit is paid -- then there's no going back! Remember, it's YOUR wedding, not hers. Take control or you're going to lose control being upset about her opinions.

 

[Anonymous]

I would be hectic, but this is what I did w/my FMIL (my mom isn't helping or attending). We put together a spreadsheet with things to be done and by what time. If there was a disagreement about something, we settled it diplomatically (calling vendors or looking online for lead times, etc.).

Good luck!

 

[amc80]

I agree with some of the other posters...

Work with your mom to make a time line for when stuff needs to get done. Use a wedding planning book as a loose guide, so that you're basing your decisions "experts" and not just your opinion. Decide together which steps she will be involved in and which of those she will be in charge of.

As for booking the shower venue, are you really going to be upset because your mom booked, planned, and paid for your shower? Really think about that. With all of the stories on this site of mothers being petty or not being involved at all or just flat out saying they won't attend, I think you just need to take a deep breath and thank her.

 

[Autumnovember]

I'd just make decisions without your mom and don't tell her about it until the deposit is paid -- then there's no going back! Remember, it's YOUR wedding, not hers. Take control or you're going to lose control being upset about her opinions.

I have to completely disagree with this mainly because the checks for the deposits are coming out of her MOTHERS bank account. So her opinions SHOULD be heard whether nicole likes it or not.

I said this before when you complained about a similar problem, you need to sit down and have a civilized conversation about how her opinions are affecting you. Ignoring what she says is NOT going to help the situation.

 

[Amys Bling]

wait, is mom paying or not? Regardless you should listen to your mom's imput- she is undoubtedly really excited about your being engaged and the wedding- but at the sametime, make sure that you are not compromising the things that make you happy.

 

[nicoleben]

Mom is not paying for ALL of the wedding, but the things she is paying for, she wants complete control over. I have spoken to her about it today, very civil, and told her I would just like her to consult with me first. I love the fact that she wants to help and get things done, but with me working two jobs so I can afford the wedding of my dreams, I made my own timeline of what I want done and when. She just said OK. She didn't seem hurt, she actually sounded mad.. But it is nice to keep in mind Fi and I are paying for about 75% of our wedding.

 

[Autumnovember]

Mom is not paying for ALL of the wedding, but the things she is paying for, she wants complete control over. I have spoken to her about it today, very civil, and told her I would just like her to consult with me first. I love the fact that she wants to help and get things done, but with me working two jobs so I can afford the wedding of my dreams, I made my own timeline of what I want done and when. She just said OK. She didn't seem hurt, she actually sounded mad.. But it is nice to keep in mind Fi and I are paying for about 75% of our wedding.

This sounds good on your doing. Keep an open line of communication with her like you did today, I think it will really benefit on you during the whole process.

Even if she is not paying for your entire wedding, she is still paying for whatever part she is. You wrote in previous posts that she is really important to you and you guys are really close. So, I think her opinions on things should be heard. Do you have to go through with all her suggestions? No. But I think your mom, as an adult, can hopefully appreciate that you are keeping an open mind. Do not burn relationships with close family members for ONE NIGHT.