Wedding or not?

[shihtzulover]

I am not sure whether or not my FF and I should have a wedding, or if we should just elope.

I kind of like the elopement idea - simple, and no drama. I can get a dress and we can still have wedding photos, but that's about it. My FF kind of likes the idea because he is shy and doesn't want that much attention on him during an entire wedding ceremony, but he also kind of wants his family to be there.

If we were to have a wedding, it would be small - just family, because neither of us really has friends here. All of our family would have to fly in, with the exception of my parents and a couple of his relatives who live near here (who he is not really close to, but would obviously still invite).

I thought maybe we could each have two people, but it won't work out that way. I would invite my parents, but he doesn't have just two people that he could invite without everyone else getting hurt feelings. His mother unfortunately passed away, and he doesn't know his father. He would choose his grandmother, but then he would have to choose one aunt for his other family member - and that wouldn't work, because the others would be upset that he chose one over all the others.

Of course, if he invites all of his family, then I would invite all of mine (since they would obviously be upset if they found out I was having a wedding and that they weren't invited but my FF's family was, and I would of course want people there for me, too). The problem is that if I invite some of them, I have to invite all of them - or else everyone is going to be furious. My mom has already made it clear that I would have to be nice and invite them all. The problem is that my dad's side of the family does not get along at ALL. Right now they are all having major fights about their inheritance. It's really sad, but true. They cannot be in the same room without literally getting into screaming fights, and there was even one fistfight at one point.

I do not want to deal with this on my wedding day. Eloping is sounding better and better,and my mom really thinks it might be best, considering the issues - but I'm not sure if my FF will truly be fine with that. I think he would if I really wanted to, but I know that his family would really want to attend. On the other hand, I can't find any suitable way to make this work. I can't just not invite my family, and it would create more drama if I only invited some of my family members.

Thoughts?

 

[Callisto]

I'm already dealing with wedding drama and I haven't even gotten engaged yet... I'm 99% sure we won't elope but right at this moment it sounds pretty freaking nice. What if you eloped for your wedding and then another day shortly after had a newlywed party or something. That way everyone gets to feel involved, you get to have a fun party, and if drama ensues it doesn't ruin your wedding day, just a party.

 

[RhubarbPie]

We are currently arguing about wedding issues this very moment in my parents' living room....zomg eloping sounds so great right now.

 

[paris29]

shihtzulover- I know exactly how you feel. I never dreamed of having a big wedding. I was ready to elope but I knew my parents especially my mom would be upset that I did not include them in such an important day. So then it went from eloping to have both our parents and FF's brother at the wedding to adding pf our two closest friends. When I told my mom she said we should invite more people and my FF agreed. To make a long story short our guest list is now at 42 people. Which is to some people still small, but not to me. It took me a little to get used to the idea. 13-16 people on the list are my parents friends and the rest are are what we consider friends we have known for awhile that we still consider to be close or who we knew would invite us to their weddings and then our best friends. We are having our wedding at the Ritz Carlton and their minimum is 40 so it all works out. My advice to you, is pretend your looking back at your wedding in twenty years will you have any regrets eloping or having a little bigger wedding. Ultimately I knew I didn't want to deal with all these people being upset that we didn't invite them. And so after taking everything into consideration having 40 something people wasn't so bad.

 

[shihtzulover]

Thanks everyone!

It's just such a complicated situation. My parents might be a little bit disappointed if we just elope, but hopefully they will understand (given the circumstances). I'm not sure how his family will feel about the situation, but they might not like it too much. I really don't think that they would like witnessing the fighting between my family members either though, and this is already way too stressful for me.

I asked my SO about it on video chat last night, and he said we would talk about it in person. He did say that he will be happy as long as he gets me in the end though, so hopefully we will be able to work something out that makes us both happy.

 

[tyty333]

We eloped...just didnt want to go through planning a wedding (again, its my second marriage but my DH's first). I think
both our parents were a little dissapointed but got over it. Saved us tons of money and we had a wonderful time NOT
having to worry about everyone and NOT having to make plans for everyone.

 

[calibali]

I know my family is expecting us to elope (I've hinted at it for years), but my bf recently confessed to me that he thinks his parents are going to be very disappointed. This led to a very candid discussion about what he wanted for a wedding and what would make him happiest, and thankfully we were on the same page.

It's hard to avoid some level of parental disappointment when you don't invite them to your wedding, but I've always been someone who would rather do what's best for me. Also, I know a traditional wedding with both of our families present would be the worst day of my life, so there really isn't any other option for us. Hopefully you guys can also figure out what would be best for you.

 

[trillionaire]

I'm eloping (soon!) and it has caused major drama with my family and is a total PITA. Now, I can't compare it to planning a wedding, because, well, I haven't done that. But if you can't handle personal attacks, harsh judgment and criticism from people who both know you well, and people who don't, then you might as well go with a small wedding.

I wouldn't change our decision to elope, but I would do it much sooner, and keep EVERYTHING a secret and let people deal with it after the fact. I am very excited about the simple wedding that we have planned, and I don't think I will regret one second of it... but I hate how awful my parents feel, and are acting as a consequence.

 

[pesce]

BF and I are both very pro-elope. Family issues abound, and we just don't want to deal with that. I'm sure there will be disappointment, but I think it would be very special to have such an intimate moment to yourselves.

 

[amc80]

We have discussed this and are sort of in the same place- if we invite SOME people then we have to invite EVERYONE. Neither of us wants a big wedding. Eloping sounds perfect. Then we would have an informal open house/housewarming/celebration at some point (not a reception).

 

[Jessie702]

How about the elopement and than a small reception afterwards very casual. That might be the way to go. I was thinking about that too, but SO said no. Blah....aslo it give you a chance to get a party outfit

 

[diamondringlover]

I am going to inject a different view, I am the Mom of a 24 year old son, while there is no chance he will get married soon, but the thought of him and any future wife eloping and not letting me be a part of one of the happiest days of his life just rips my heart out. I love my son, I have put my heart and soul into raising him and teaching him right from wrong that to not see him get married would be awful and it would make me very sad, would I accept it, yes, would I like it no....just a view from a Mom.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I can see both points, but I see a wedding as getting everyone together and celebrating that we found each other.

I am shy as hell but still want to have everyone there that we love, and it would only be people that we love so no worry there.

My ideal would be an elegant high tea and champagne afternoon reception, 40 or so people, telling everyone we are hitting the town afterward, and everyone is welcome to join if they are interested (not our shout), and having a nice dinner out in the evening in between with just our families/closest friends (also not our shout). That would be absolutely perfect

 

[diva rose]

How about having a big casual reception party before you elope?
You can invite his family and friends - have this massive hang out then go off to elope/honeymoon.

 

[shihtzulover]

Thanks for all of your great suggestions!

It would be nice to have just a little reception for everyone. Unfortunately, almost everyone would be driving or flying in from other states, so I'm not sure that they would want to do that if there wasn't even a wedding to attend.

I have been discussing it with my FF, and we both agree that an elopement is a definite possibility. I know that he really wants for his family to be there though. We don't have to plan anything yet, so maybe we'll see what happens and how my family members are getting along in six months or so.

 

[sillyberry]

Thanks for all of your great suggestions!

It would be nice to have just a little reception for everyone. Unfortunately, almost everyone would be driving or flying in from other states, so I'm not sure that they would want to do that if there wasn't even a wedding to attend.

I have been discussing it with my FF, and we both agree that an elopement is a definite possibility. I know that he really wants for his family to be there though. We don't have to plan anything yet, so maybe we'll see what happens and how my family members are getting along in six months or so.

That's the same problem I had with eloping and holding a party. Pretty much all of boyfriend's friends are in Chicago (where we would either have our wedding or party), but mine are spread out all over the country. I would hate to miss out on celebrating with my friends and family because they wouldn't want to fly in for a party!

Good luck figuring things out!!!

 

[kelpie]

I support your elopement idea. I'm having a huge wedding and although I'm looking forward to it, it brings me more stress than joy. I just want to be married. Would it be possible to invite 1 or 2 of his closest friends? You could do a package deal at some fabulous destination like four seasons in hawaii and you could have an amazing wedding that is only about you. If people wanted they could through you a reception later on, so long as you didn't have to plan any of it.