Wedding Etiquette: Gifts for expensive weddings

[janinegirly]

My mother and I disagree on this one--the question is, if a wedding is extremely expensive to attend (destination is expensive, accommodation, transportation etc), is the guest still "expected" to give a gift of the same size if the wedding had not been expensive to attend?

 

[cindygenit]

I voted the second option. Why should you have to pay for all those expenses AND a gift? If you are financially able to give them a gift, and you want to, then by all means, give them something! But if you''re already battling to pay for the ticket/accomodation etc, I''m sure they will understand if you don''t give anything.

After all, the thing that makes a wedding memorable is your presence, and the fact that you''re sharing and witnessing the beginning of their lives together. The gift is just a gesture in my opinion.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

I chose #2, but I may be out of the norm in that I don''t think wedding gifts should ever be *expected.*

 

[Dannielle]

I voted option #3.

If I was spending money on travel and accomodation I would give a small gift or contribution as a gesture, but I wouldn''t give as much as I would if the wedding was local.

 

[mrscushion]

I voted #2. For my DW, I certainly will not expect guests to give a gift at all (at least the Americans who come over to Europe). In reality, many will still do so, but it shouldn''t be expected IMO.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''m not voting because I don''t see anything that fits my view. A gift is a gift and shouldn''t be based on what the people paid per plate. It''s the B/G''s decision to have an expensive wedding, and they shouldn''t do so expecting to receive reimbursement from their guests. I would go and bring a gift that I could afford. If I''m expending a lot to be there (traveling, etc), then I''ll probably give a smaller gift.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

We went to a wedding in Bali last year and from what i could tell not too many people gave gifts.
We gave a small gift after we returned (no point taking it to bali for them to just bring back again) but we never got a thank you so maybe we didn''t give enough?

 

[purselover]

I voted #1 if you''re uncomfortable paying a lot of money to attend a wedding you shouldn''t go, not take it out of their gift.

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 8/4/2009 9:28:00 AM
Author: purselover
I voted #1 if you''re uncomfortable paying a lot of money to attend a wedding you shouldn''t go, not take it out of their gift.

My husband feels the same.

I was in this situation back in October of 2007.

A friend of ours (who''s Spanish but lives in Austria) was getting married in her hometown of Gijon, Spain.

Not only were we invited, but she made it a point to let us know we were sitting at their table for the reception and the festivities were going on for the whole week. Her birthday happened to be three days after the wedding.

Between the airline tickets, the hotel, the low exchange rate for the dollar to the euro, and having to get her a gift for her b-day, i wanted to give something small for the wedding.

My husband disagreed. He thought as we were invited, and decided to go, it would be rude not to give the same thing we''d give for a wedding here. I totally disagreed but in the end, he won.

We winded up giving 300 euros, plus as she''s a scarf fanatic, I got her a designer one for her birthday. To be honest, I appreciated how they spent the week with all their guests. Taking us all around, showing us the sites, having dinner with us. In a sense, they gave up their honeymoon to entertain those of us who were traveling for the wedding.

In the end, we had a great time and they thanked us over and over for the generous gift so I know it was appreciated, and I appreciated them having spent time with us.
If it were me though, I wouldn''t expect people to give generously if they''re traveling and paying for their own flights and hotel. But, I guess I expect something thoughtful.

 

[House Cat]

Date: 8/4/2009 9:28:00 AM
Author: purselover
I voted #1 if you''re uncomfortable paying a lot of money to attend a wedding you shouldn''t go, not take it out of their gift.

Ditto.

 

[cocolaw]

Date: 8/4/2009 8:26:53 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I''m not voting because I don''t see anything that fits my view. A gift is a gift and shouldn''t be based on what the people paid per plate. It''s the B/G''s decision to have an expensive wedding, and they shouldn''t do so expecting to receive reimbursement from their guests. I would go and bring a gift that I could afford. If I''m expending a lot to be there (traveling, etc), then I''ll probably give a smaller gift.

ditto! i have had a similar talk with friends in new jersey. i am southern and it amazes me how regional so much of this is. my friend in nj says it is common for people to write checks at the table, based on how nice the reception is. i always thought you really should try not to bring gifts to the wedding, but that you sent them to the bride''s house before the wedding. and that the gift was either off the registry or something that you pick out, based on your relationship with and feelings for the couple! it never had any correlation with the size or cost of the wedding.

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 8/4/2009 9:53:00 AM
Author: cocolaw

Date: 8/4/2009 8:26:53 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I'm not voting because I don't see anything that fits my view. A gift is a gift and shouldn't be based on what the people paid per plate. It's the B/G's decision to have an expensive wedding, and they shouldn't do so expecting to receive reimbursement from their guests. I would go and bring a gift that I could afford. If I'm expending a lot to be there (traveling, etc), then I'll probably give a smaller gift.

ditto! i have had a similar talk with friends in new jersey. i am southern and it amazes me how regional so much of this is. my friend in nj says it is common for people to write checks at the table, based on how nice the reception is. i always thought you really should try not to bring gifts to the wedding, but that you sent them to the bride's house before the wedding. and that the gift was either off the registry or something that you pick out, based on your relationship with and feelings for the couple! it never had any correlation with the size or cost of the wedding.

Interesting. I was always "taught" that it should be cash/check and cover the cost of the plate per person at least. Family and close friends give more.
I'm from NYC.

 

[FutureMrs.McKerrall]

My FI and I are having a DW and a reception when we get back. We have asked (verbally and on our website) that we don''t receive any gifts. For all of those who are coming to the Dominican, they are already paying enough, and for reception when we get back, most people will have to travel again and pay for a hotel room, gas, etc... FI and I have been together for awhile and have bought a house together, so we really don''t "need" anything.

I think a wedding gift is a gesture and there isn''t a mandatory amount or size of gift that is acceptable. I think that you should give what you are comfortable giving - big or small, regardless if you have to travel or not.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Date: 8/4/2009 10:03:08 AM
Author: FutureMrs.McKerrall
My FI and I are having a DW and a reception when we get back. We have asked (verbally and on our website) that we don''t receive any gifts. For all of those who are coming to the Dominican, they are already paying enough, and for reception when we get back, most people will have to travel again and pay for a hotel room, gas, etc... FI and I have been together for awhile and have bought a house together, so we really don''t ''need'' anything.

I think a wedding gift is a gesture and there isn''t a mandatory amount or size of gift that is acceptable. I think that you should give what you are comfortable giving - big or small, regardless if you have to travel or not.

Ditto! I voted for #2 above and I agree with FMMcKerrall.

We are also having a DW in the DR, but we are not having a reception when we return. We didn''t register for any gifts from any stores, but did register with Orphanage Outreach which serves the DR. We posted a link on our website and didn''t publicize it in any other way.

People have been extremely generous and have given us amazing gifts, but none were expected. Their greatest gift was attending our wedding, which wasn''t expensive, but certainly wasn''t a bargain!

 

[treefrog]

Date: 8/4/2009 9:59:13 AM
Author: elle_chris
Interesting. I was always 'taught' that it should be cash/check and cover the cost of the plate per person at least. Family and close friends give more.
I'm from NYC.

Sorry to intrude...

elle_chris - do you have any advice to offer this guy with a NYC proposal?
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/planning-a-romantic-nyc-proposal.121842/

I'm honestly not sure how to respond/vote and would likely be in your same shoes... asking for advice here.

Treefrog

 

[zipzapgirl]

ditto! i have had a similar talk with friends in new jersey. i am southern and it amazes me how regional so much of this is. my friend in nj says it is common for people to write checks at the table, based on how nice the reception is. i always thought you really should try not to bring gifts to the wedding, but that you sent them to the bride''s house before the wedding. and that the gift was either off the registry or something that you pick out, based on your relationship with and feelings for the couple! it never had any correlation with the size or cost of the wedding.

Interesting. I was always "taught" that it should be cash/check and cover the cost of the plate per person at least. Family and close friends give more.
I''m from NYC.

There''s definitely a regional difference.
I''m from the south and there it''s all about the registry.
I live in NYC now and I agree with Elle--there''s definitely a "cover your plate" mentality. Of course, weddings here probably run more like $125 and up per guest, so it''s a trickier situation that if you were paying $40 per head.

 

[susied]

Ditto Hudson_Hawk (and others). Although I don''t think the guest should have to "cover" their plate, I usually do that and tend to give a little bit more (still within what I can afford) if someone is having a really expensive wedding. Family automatically gets more.

 

[kama_s]

I didn''t vote, because my answer would be somewhere between a and b. I don''t have a rule of thumb for this, but it really depends on how close I am to the couple getting married. I''ve paid over 2K for flights to India/Dubai and still given a 100$+ gift and other times I''ve actually declined the invite and just sent the gift. We''re travelling for another friend''s wedding in October, travel costs are 300$, hotel for two nights is another 300$ and we''re still giving a 250$ gift. But that''s because they''re really good friends, and they''re starting out fresh - so they really do need the money to set up their home! Plus, the groom was out of a job for a few months this year.

If I didn''t know the couple well, I would either decline the invite, or go with a smallish gift (but never below 75$/person).

 

[LilyKat]

Honestly? I don''t think a gift should EVER be expected. I would much, much rather have people I love at my own wedding who didn''t bring anything, than have them feel they shouldn''t attend because they would have to "take money out of my gift" in order to do so.

So I wouldn''t mind if a local guest came empty-handed, but I would ESPECIALLY not mind if I knew they had spent a lot on transport and accommodation etc in coming. If I didn''t want them there even without a gift, they wouldn''t be on the guest list in the first place.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think you should always do what you can. If that means, because you are traveling, you can only afford a small token...so be it.

 

[meresal]

I don''t really know how to answer. I was in my bes friend''s destination wedding. Her family paid for half the trip, but it still cost me over $600 incl the dress. I did not give a gift, other than a shower gift prior and a very nice gift at a stock the bar party.

However, if I had chose to go to the ceremony as a guest, then I would give a gift as well, no matter the cost to travel.

 

[Haven]

Date: 8/4/2009 11:39:17 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think you should always do what you can. If that means, because you are traveling, you can only afford a small token...so be it.

Ditto.

 

[NovemberBride]

I didn''t vote because I didn''t see an option that I agreed with. DH and I pretty much give the same gift/spend the same amount on the gift for every wedding we attend, whether it is local or we have to travel. Same goes for whether the wedding is very expensive or inexpensive. That has no bearing on how much we give.

I also think it''s funny when people say they should "cover their plate", what I want to know is how on earth you have any idea what the cost of your plate was? Unless you had your wedding at that venue, my guess is that you have no idea!

 

[swingirl]

Your guests shouldn't be expected to pay for your wedding. You want a lavish wedding? You pay for it. It's not the guest's choice. They are giving you a gift to to commemorate your marriage not a party.

 

[elle_chris]

"I also think it''s funny when people say they should "cover their plate", what I want to know is how on earth you have any idea what the cost of your plate was? Unless you had your wedding at that venue, my guess is that you have no idea!"

120 and up here. At leat the places I''ve been to.

So for wedding in nyc, 300 per couple at least. Unless you''re good friends or family and in that case, you give more.

People talk. Brides and Grooms talk to friends, family and word gets around. You generally have a good idea of the price way before the wedding so know what''s appropriate to give.

I''m just saying this based on my own experiences with weddings here.

 

[trillionaire]

I am in the camp of ''gifts are gifts, and not to be EXPECTED.''

I plan to elope, then have a reception. I''m not inclined to register, nor will we be expecting gifts. We want love, support, and for our guests to have FUN and a memorable time, and a gift is the last thing that I expect. No matter where we have our reception, the logistics are going to be less than desirable, and 70-90% of people will have to travel (probably including the bride and groom!).

If they come at all, THAT is our gift. The memories, the pictures, those are the gifts. I would resent being invited to weddings where I was ''expected'' to pay for my plate. If that is the case, just send me a bill with the invitation, so that I can decide whether or not I want to come.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 8/4/2009 12:25:33 PM
Author: swingirl
Your guests shouldn''t be expected to pay for your wedding. You want a lavish wedding? You pay for it. It''s not the guest''s choice. They are giving you a gift to to commemorate your marriage not a party.

Ditto.

 

[susied]

Date: 8/4/2009 1:03:15 PM
Author: trillionaire
I am in the camp of ''gifts are gifts, and not to be EXPECTED.''

I plan to elope, then have a reception. I''m not inclined to register, nor will we be expecting gifts. We want love, support, and for our guests to have FUN and a memorable time, and a gift is the last thing that I expect. No matter where we have our reception, the logistics are going to be less than desirable, and 70-90% of people will have to travel (probably including the bride and groom!).

If they come at all, THAT is our gift. The memories, the pictures, those are the gifts. I would resent being invited to weddings where I was ''expected'' to pay for my plate. If that is the case, just send me a bill with the invitation, so that I can decide whether or not I want to come.

Haha, that''s an awesome concept!!! I totally agree

 

[elle_chris]

I dunno, the "expectation" part of it doesn''t bother me at all.

I look at it like helping the bride and groom start their lives. My gift to them and they can get whatever they choose with it.

 

[cammy85]

I agree that, when feasible or possible, I give a gift to the bride and groom to start them off on their lives together. But I am also in the camp that a gift is just that, a gift, and not an expectation. Again, as been said before, this is a regional and cultural difference and differs greatly from person to person. For our wedding, we budgeted out what we could afford, and threw a party that fit our budget. That way, if not one single person gave a gift, we had a fun party that we could enjoy because we didn''t go in debt over it and still had enough leftover to begin our lives together (and buy a house!) Our wedding ceremony was in a church, therefore free attendance and we had a lot of people who came to that that were not invited to the reception. I view the ''wedding'' and the ''reception'' as two different things. We had a reception because we wanted more time to visit with our friends and family to celebrate our new marriage. End of story. Should people who elope not get anything because they didn''t throw a grand party and people aren''t paying per head?

In reality, many people at our wedding gave us very generous gifts - though very few of them actually covered their cost per head at the reception. Nonetheless, every gift we opened, every check we got, every empty card we got - we treated them the same way. We were so grateful and happy that so many people wanted to join in our celebration.

I would hate to think any of my friends/family missed out on our wedding day only because they felt they couldn''t give a gift or cover the cost of their plates.