Wedding Blues

[snuggles1]

Hello everyone. So I posted this

here

and was excited to have a LV wedding, only to find out that the MIL is absolutely against it (even though all the relatives are coming from LV and LA). She is 100% for a wedding banquet for 200something people only. We visited some nice small towns in northern california as possibilities for the wedding, but none worked out quite well. We wanted a small intimate wedding with just our close family friends in a casual setting. We toyed with the idea of having two weddings but realize that put us way more in the hole than we wanted, and since we want to buy a house this year, we don't want to spend too much on a wedding. We thought about having a wedding at a house we buy, but we'll prob only be able to afford a condo/townhouse. We're now creeping up on a year before the wedding and have absolutely nothing planned.

It's pretty much come to one of the three options:

big wedding + small wedding = no house (we rent for the next 10 years)
big wedding + house = no small wedding (we end up being people who are unhappy because we didn't get the wedding we wanted)
small wedding + house = no big wedding (unhappy in-laws that I have to deal with for the next XX years)

So anyways, thank you all for your help. We've decided to just marry at the courthouse. I try not to tell people about getting married anymore because I hate talking about the situation. Maybe we'll do a dream renewal of vows in 10 years. Haha.

 

[Octavia]

Aww, snuggles, I''m so sorry to hear that you''re having a tough time with this. It''s supposed to be the happiest time of your life, and it''s really terrible that other people make it less than that. If you and your FI really want the LV wedding, though, it seems like it''s up to him to stand up to his mother and tell her that HE should be able to have the wedding HE wants, too (assuming you two are on the same page about it). I hate that even when women and their FIs have the same vision for the wedding, the woman always take the blame from FMILs or other relatives if it isn''t what that outside person thinks should happen.

Anyway, I hope that you and your FI are able to enjoy being married, however it happens. The two of you should be the absolute most important thing, and as long as you make each other happy, to hell with everyone else. I''ll be thinking of you and sending some dust your way...good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[Gypsy]

Small wedding plus house!!!!!!!

Unless your relatives are paying for the wedding or helping to pay for the wedding-- forgetaboutit. I would not give up a home to accomodate someone else dream. NO WAY. They want to gripe for the rest of their lives that's THEIR decision. Buy that house a good distance from them, and you won't have to worry about it too much.

I would wait them out. But then that's what I did (I waiting for other reasons too). I don't think your wedding should be ruined because of these people, or that you should settle for less than you want and can afford. If your okay with the courthouse, GREAT. But I don't think you are. And that makes me sad. Really sad because you and your FI are allowing these people to dictate and ruin what should be a very special time and event. ((HUGS HONEY))

 

[bee*]

I vote small wedding plus house also. Your FI should talk to his mother and let them know what the situation is and that it is much more important for the two of you to get a house.

 

[Pandora II]

Small wedding plus house!

You think she''s being difficult now - trust me she sounds like she''ll making planning the wedding hell!

Your FI needs to step up here.


I really hope that all of us on PS are taking in how destructive parents opinions can be and make a mental note for the future (either that or we will all be on PS bitching about our future DIL or SIL

)

 

[Independent Gal]

I agree, small wedding + house. Your in laws will get over it. And if you explain the financial situation to them, surely they would understand.

Can you use the ''don''t you want grandkids? we need a place to put them!'' line?

 

[isaku5]

Like Gypsy, I believe in your wedding; your way! No one besides you and your FH should have any say whatsoever unless they''re footing the whole tab!

Any invited guests should show up dressed appropriately, be enthusiastic, and watch their manners. Anyone not willing to comply, should stay at home and rent a movie!

I spent more years than I have left trying to please everyone (especially my mother

).
My backbone took far too long to mature, and I regret it terribly.

My vote: small wedding + house =

 

[DMBFiredancer]

small wedding plus house without a doubt! that is what YOU want, right?

whose wedding is it anyway?

tell them "i''m sorry you feel that way, but this is what will make US happy"

good luck!

 

[snuggles1]

Date: 5/10/2008 2:02:54 AM
Author: Octavia
Aww, snuggles, I''m so sorry to hear that you''re having a tough time with this. It''s supposed to be the happiest time of your life, and it''s really terrible that other people make it less than that. If you and your FI really want the LV wedding, though, it seems like it''s up to him to stand up to his mother and tell her that HE should be able to have the wedding HE wants, too (assuming you two are on the same page about it). I hate that even when women and their FIs have the same vision for the wedding, the woman always take the blame from FMILs or other relatives if it isn''t what that outside person thinks should happen.


Anyway, I hope that you and your FI are able to enjoy being married, however it happens. The two of you should be the absolute most important thing, and as long as you make each other happy, to hell with everyone else. I''ll be thinking of you and sending some dust your way...good luck with whatever you decide!

We''re both definitely on the same page. My mother is worried that I''ll be taking the blame for the wedding. And the twist is, my mother has offered to pay for it! Thanks for the luck...I will need it.

 

[snuggles1]

Date: 5/10/2008 3:31:53 AM
Author: Gypsy
I would wait them out. But then that''s what I did (I waiting for other reasons too). I don''t think your wedding should be ruined because of these people, or that you should settle for less than you want and can afford. If your okay with the courthouse, GREAT. But I don''t think you are. And that makes me sad. Really sad because you and your FI are allowing these people to dictate and ruin what should be a very special time and event. ((HUGS HONEY))

It is really sad that others have to dictate, of all things, a wedding! We want it to be special between us and now it''s going to be this huge thing that neither of us want. We''re pretty private people, so we don''t want all these folks we don''t even know there. I think we''re trying to wait it out as long as we can to see what our options are...so if anyone has options or ideas...I''d love to hear them! I''m in Northern California.

 

[snuggles1]

Date: 5/10/2008 7:00:31 AM
Author: Pandora II
I really hope that all of us on PS are taking in how destructive parents opinions can be and make a mental note for the future (either that or we will all be on PS bitching about our future DIL or SIL

)

Thank you everyone for your responses. I''ve been off the radar for a few days trying to get regular life stuff done while I mull this over and over again. And I do think Pandora II''s advice is great...I will never tell my children how to have their wedding.

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 5/10/2008 3:31:53 AM
Author: Gypsy
Small wedding plus house!!!!!!!


Unless your relatives are paying for the wedding or helping to pay for the wedding-- forgetaboutit. I would not give up a home to accomodate someone else dream. NO WAY. They want to gripe for the rest of their lives that''s THEIR decision. Buy that house a good distance from them, and you won''t have to worry about it too much.


I would wait them out. But then that''s what I did (I waiting for other reasons too). I don''t think your wedding should be ruined because of these people, or that you should settle for less than you want and can afford. If your okay with the courthouse, GREAT. But I don''t think you are. And that makes me sad. Really sad because you and your FI are allowing these people to dictate and ruin what should be a very special time and event. ((HUGS HONEY))

Very well said Gypsy! If FMIL is not paying for the big wedding then she has no right insisting on one!

Have you had a serious talk with both sets of parents? Did you tell them a small wedding is what you really want and that a big wedding would not make you happy? You need to do what makes you happy, after all this is YOUR wedding, YOUR marriage, and YOUR life. If you don''t make yourself happy it sounds like no one else will be all that worried about it. Do what''s right for you, they''ll get over it. >

 

[isaku5]

Aw, snuggles, I hope that after all the dust has settled, you end up having the wedding you and your DF dream of.

I totally agree that parents had their chance and should not impose their wishes for their wedding on their children.

 

[doodle]

i''d go ahead with plans to have a small wedding and tell your FMIL that it''s simply not in your budget to have some huge affair, so if she wants it that badly, she can pay for it. if she actually DOES offer to pay for it (they usually don''t though!), tell her you''ve already booked a venue that can''t accommodate that many people, but you''d be more than happy to let her throw you a big crazy party after the wedding if she feels that strongly about it. if you let her bully you now, you''ll have a lifetime of her bullying you. my cousin let her overbearing MIL get to her to the point where the crazy lady wound up picking her honeymoon destination and her maid of honor!!! put your foot down, and make sure your FI is totally on board with you. other than his opinion, do you really care what anyone thinks about your plans for YOUR day??

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 5/10/2008 1:19:28 AM
Author:snuggles1

It''s pretty much come to one of the three options:

big wedding + small wedding = no house (we rent for the next 10 years)
big wedding + house = no small wedding (we end up being people who are unhappy because we didn''t get the wedding we wanted)
small wedding + house = no big wedding (unhappy in-laws that I have to deal with for the next XX years)

So anyways, thank you all for your help. We''ve decided to just marry at the courthouse. I try not to tell people about getting married anymore because I hate talking about the situation.

Snuggles, I really do feel for you, but it doesn''t seem to make sense to me to go with Door #4 (courthouse wedding)......that''s the only option that essentially pleases no one.

Frankly, if you''re going with a courthouse wedding, then MIL isn''t getting the 200+ wedding she wants anyway, right? So, I''d go with the small intimate wedding you want, and if she wants to attend, lovely. If she doesn''t..........well, she''ll have to come to terms with the fact that she''s just not going to get what she wants.

I have a sneaking suspicion the pushing is designed to get you to acquiesce. Once she realizes it won''t happen, she''ll resign herself to it, believe me.

Plan your small wedding. She''ll come - she won''t miss her own son''s wedding (hopefully).

 

[purrfectpear]

Small wedding in LV to make you and future hubby happy.

Lavish reception that MIL pays for where she can invite all her friends to make her happy. If she doesn''t want to pay for big party, she doesn''t get to play at big party.

 

[anchor31]

Small wedding all the way. If your FMIL wants a big wedding, she can pay for it! We went through a similar dilemma because FI''s mom wanted us to invite our 100 cousins (that''s not a hyperbole) and have a 200-guests wedding, but we can''t afford it (we also would like to purchase a house in the near future), so we went with the smaller 90-guests wedding. We tried to make it clear, but she just made a scene (again) to FI on the phone because she just received her invite and saw that we wrote "two seats are reserved in your honour" on them...

Good luck with planning your wedding with difficult FILs... Lord knows it hasn''t been easy for us.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I have to agree with everyone else here. Do what''s best for you and your FI, not what FMIL wants. She''ll get over it eventually.