Was I rude about my friend's e-ring?

[Tabbycat]

My friend got engaged to her boyfriend, whom she very much adores, so I was very happy for her. Without me asking, she showed me her e-ring (she's much more extroverted than I, so there was nothing too abnormal about her thrusting it in my face for me to appreciate.)

I said it was "so nice", and that it looked "peaceful." She seemed offended/confused. Not sure why but trying to backpeddle out of offending her, I hastily added that "it gives me a peaceful, zen like feeling, just looking at it, because of the design" hoping that would clear up any misunderstanding. She still seemed unimpressed with this, but we moved on to talking about the proposal/wedding.

Anyway, I've been feeling guilty about this ever since, and also confused. Is "peaceful" a euphemism for "not-so-great"? Because that's not how I meant it.

To be honest, the ring kind of surprised me, only because she is very wealthy (much more so than I) and her boyfriend does alright for himself as well, and she likes to be fashionable... so I was expecting something much more gaudy. It was a smallish (for my expectations of her), round stone, set recessed into a plain wide band to be level with the surface (sorry, I'm sure there is a proper term for it.) No other adornment.

I was surprised... not judgmental - I am not a size queen, and honestly I was impressed with her that she didn't think gaudiness was vital (she was obviously thrilled with it even though they could have easily afforded a much huger honker). And I didn't show surprise, either... I've got a good poker face and I was looking at the ring, not her face, anyway. But the first appropriate compliment that came to me to say about someone's ring ("it's huge!") seemed wrong, and I didn't want an awkward pause, so I quickly scrambled for what I like most about her ring, and that's what came to mind -- that it had kind of a peaceful, zen-like feel to it.

In retrospect I wish I had thought to say "Wow it's beautiful! Congratulations!" (who can be offended by "wow' and "beautiful"?) but I was winging it and she got "so nice" and "peaceful".

Another possibility is that I didn't put enough oomph into my verbal enthusiasm as she was hoping (As an introvert, I generally don't show as much verbal oomph as a lot of girls. She's known me for forever so she should know that). But I'm sure I didn't sound sarcastic or negative.

"Peaceful"... if someone said this about your ring...would you feel offended? How could it be taken as an insult, any ideas?

 

[Skippy123]

I would not worry about it. If she brings it up then tell her it is beautiful and you love it!

 

[yellowducky]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I got all sorts of unexpected responses, which I learned to not dwell on, after getting engaged. Your friend probably will too. The most memorable were two "It's cute" responses. Well, one of them was more like a "Oh, it's.......cute..." (I have a delicately haloed 2 ct RB.) Anyway, that person actually shared a year later that she was considering resetting her stone into a similar halo setting, which made me realize that sometimes you can't read into things. Your friend sounds thrilled with her ring and hopefully she'll realize that's all that really matters.

 

[Enerchi]

If she's an extrovert and you aren't, maybe she's relating to how SHE would respond, which could be with lots of loud Ooohs & aaahs, and jumping and giggling, etc, so if she's not receiving that reaction, that's her thing, not yours! There are going to be all kinds of responses that she'll receive when she shows off her new ring. You may just have a better jewellry vocabulary than she does, so to be able to put it into different terms, may not be where her head is at. Its fair to say what you think about it - and you did - so there we are! Not to worry about it. You explained it very nicely - I'd buy it!!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I would never describe somebody's diamond engagement ring as peaceful. Its just just just not a descriptive word for a diamond ring.
I'm laughing here. I'm sure she couldn't make sense of your meaning. I think you expected something larger and your brain got stuck.

Look at it again and say how lovely it is--look at the sparkle. You're friends, she won't carry it with her. Actually to me its funny.
It won't happen to you again. Wow, how beautiful is the response every time.

Good Luck

Annette

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I suppose it is the one time in life where the response should be more than it might be otherwise: agree with SC, superlaxatives are the way to go.

Next time you see her, then them rip!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am going to be honest. If someone said my e-ring was "peaceful" I would be very confused. That seems like a strange adjective to describe jewelry. That being said, you said it. You tried to explain it so now its time to move on.

 

[Autumnovember]

I don't think I would be offended by your choice of words but I'd kind of be like..... . I'd probably laugh and ask wtf that's supposed to mean but that's just me.

 

[sillyberry]

Is "peaceful" a euphemism for "not-so-great"?

Well, no, because it's not at all a typical response to an engagement ring. It's straight out of left field. So while I wouldn't be offended, per se, I would be completely bewildered.

"So nice," on the other hand, probably seemed like a euphemism for "not-so-great" unless you said it one of those ways with a really exaggerated vowel and an admiring tone.

Live and learn. Regardless, it'll pass. Particularly if she knows you're not generally an effusive person.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

HI:

I suppose it is the one time in life where the response should be more than it might be otherwise: agree with SC, superlaxatives are the way to go.

Next time you see her, then them rip!

cheers--Sharon

I am sorry. I really am. I know I shouldn't...

But you have me rolling on the floor!

 

[GK2]

HI:

I suppose it is the one time in life where the response should be more than it might be otherwise: agree with SC, superlaxatives are the way to go.

Next time you see her, then them rip!

cheers--Sharon

I have tears pouring down my face

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I suppose it is the one time in life where the response should be more than it might be otherwise: agree with SC, superlaxatives are the way to go.

Next time you see her, then them rip!

cheers--Sharon

I am sorry. I really am. I know I shouldn't...

But you have me rolling on the floor!

Clearly, I am out of my mind! KWIM?

 

[Laila619]

Honestly, "peaceful" and "so nice" were probably not the best things to say. But that's okay. Next time you see her, just rave about her ring and tell her it's so beautiful/delicate/gorgeous/classic/sparkly, etc. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hear any of those!

 

[mrs jam]

"Peaceful" is a rather off-the-wall adjective to use to describe an e-ring, but it's much better than describing it as cute or dainty.

 

[Fly Girl]

Calling it peaceful is not rude. Saying that it is ugly would be rude.

It sounds like a clean and not a busy or gaudy design, which is what it sounds like you were trying to say.

Anyhow, congratulations to your friend on her engagement.

 

[minousbijoux]

Calling it peaceful is not rude. Saying that it is ugly would be rude.

It sounds like a clean and not a busy or gaudy design, which is what it sounds like you were trying to say.

Anyhow, congratulations to your friend on her engagement.

I agree with this - it sounds like you were trying to say that there was an understated simplicity to the ring that you noticed immediately. I think I would've had a similar reaction if something popped out of my mouth in that situation, since its much more common to see halo'd and melee'd and engraved and milgrained, and intricacy, and blingey, and, and, and...

What I notice is how much you care about your friend. How sweet that you are worried - if it were me and I was still fretting, I would say something to her, like "I thought about what I said and I hope it didn't come out wrong - your ring is [fill in the blank of something that is truthful and is complimentary about the ring] and what I meant to say was that I loved the understated elegance/simple beauty/calming sparkle..." you get the drift.

But if I were your friend, unless we had a competitive relationship to begin with, I would take this in a good way - what isn't good about "peaceful?!"

 

[junebug17]

I wouldn't be offended if someone called my ring peaceful, but honestly I would find it a little odd and confusing - not a word normally used to describe jewelry. I think I would just try to compliment her ring again at some point. Can't go wrong with "really pretty" and "beautiful".

 

[Haven]

I agree with the other posters, it was a weird response. I wouldn't be offended if you said that about my ring, but I'd think it was a strange thing to say, and I'd wonder what you really meant by it.

 

[Hera]

I agree with others that it's a weird response. Perhaps next time tell them why you thought it was a "peaceful" design. Something along the lines of, "you're ring is very pretty, when I said last time it was peaceful I meant that the design is beautiful in it's minimalism, it really showcases the diamond."


ETA: just read the other responses. Basically I'm just dittoing Minous

 

[Kaleigh]

No you were not rude in any way. But saying the ering is peaceful is not the response we hear .... So I imagine she was taken a back by it, meaning peaceful?? When you could have said how pretty, stunning or gorgeous...

I think she is wondering what you meant by saying peaceful. Look, there is a saying my Nanny always used. Leave it lay where Jesus flung it.

Meaning if she doesn't bring this up to you , let it go....


I have many adjectives to describle my feelings about rings, and peaceful isn't one of them. You asked, I answered...

I hope all is fine. I myself wouldn't sweat it..

 

[decodelighted]

My friend got engaged to her boyfriend, whom she very much adores, so I was very happy for her. Without me asking, she showed me her e-ring (she's much more extroverted than I, so there was nothing too abnormal about her thrusting it in my face for me to appreciate.)

I said it was "so nice", and that it looked "peaceful." She seemed offended/confused. Not sure why but trying to backpeddle out of offending her, I hastily added that "it gives me a peaceful, zen like feeling, just looking at it, because of the design" hoping that would clear up any misunderstanding. She still seemed unimpressed with this, but we moved on to talking about the proposal/wedding.

Anyway, I've been feeling guilty about this ever since, and also confused. Is "peaceful" a euphemism for "not-so-great"? Because that's not how I meant it.

To be honest, the ring kind of surprised me, only because she is very wealthy (much more so than I) and her boyfriend does alright for himself as well, and she likes to be fashionable... so I was expecting something much more gaudy. It was a smallish (for my expectations of her), round stone, set recessed into a plain wide band to be level with the surface (sorry, I'm sure there is a proper term for it.) No other adornment.

I was surprised... not judgmental - I am not a size queen, and honestly I was impressed with her that she didn't think gaudiness was vital (she was obviously thrilled with it even though they could have easily afforded a much huger honker). And I didn't show surprise, either... I've got a good poker face and I was looking at the ring, not her face, anyway. But the first appropriate compliment that came to me to say about someone's ring ("it's huge!") seemed wrong, and I didn't want an awkward pause, so I quickly scrambled for what I like most about her ring, and that's what came to mind -- that it had kind of a peaceful, zen-like feel to it.

In retrospect I wish I had thought to say "Wow it's beautiful! Congratulations!" (who can be offended by "wow' and "beautiful"?) but I was winging it and she got "so nice" and "peaceful".

Another possibility is that I didn't put enough oomph into my verbal enthusiasm as she was hoping (As an introvert, I generally don't show as much verbal oomph as a lot of girls. She's known me for forever so she should know that). But I'm sure I didn't sound sarcastic or negative.

"Peaceful"... if someone said this about your ring...would you feel offended? How could it be taken as an insult, any ideas?

Oh HONEY. Do you even like this girl? Because your post sounds like you are a FRENEMY more than a friend. Talking about how you expected her ring to be GAUDY? She THRUSTED her hand in your face & waited for you to "appreciate" it? "Peaceful" to me seems like a veiled insult re: her being at peace because he *finally proposed* or something. Like you think she must be grateful to just be engaged so isn't being so picky about this piddly little ugly ring of hers. Perhaps you're not interested in being her friend (anymore?).

 

[PintoBean]

Err... peaceful, like, whenever you get stressed at work, you just look down at your ...umm... ring, and it's so beautiful that it just takes you away to somewhere wonderful and...beautiful... and... peaceful! (Calgon... take me away!)

AWESOME brain fart. It happens to the best of us. She'll probably get a lot of strange responses from other people that she'll forget what you said soon enough. It's all good!

 

[Gypsy]

So it's a round in a bezel and you expected tacky, and were taken by surprise. It happens.

Next time, just out of blue, grab her hand and say "I really love your ring. It's got an understated elegance about it." And call it a day.

 

[featheredwyngs]

Peaceful makes me think "quiet". "Quiet" when it comes to diamonds makes me think 'not alive' (i.e, not sparkly, lack of fire). As others have said, she may have just been thrown off by your response, as it's not a typical way to describe a ring... or she could have interpreted like this. However, I agree with another poster above, that I might just let it go unless she brings it up. I feel that even later making a lot of comments of "oh your ring is sooo sparkly!" etc., can come across as fake. If you can give her a compliment later than do, just as long as it doesn't feel forced.

 

[Echidna]

I'm always saying things that don't quite come out the way I mean, so my suggestion here would be to ditto Kaleigh (leave it be) until you have an opportunity to mention it to a mutual friend (e.g., "Oh, Kate, have you seen Carly's STUNNING engagement ring? So elegant."). It doesn't matter if they have seen it already (as long as you weren't there at the time), because it gives you the opportunity to say to someone else how great it is.

Don't sweat it

 

[rainydaze]

You know, I understand it is her personality to be showy and you are good enough friends for you to love her as she is, however it was still her choice to force interest in her ring and expect a response.... and you know what they say about expectations: quickest route to disappointment. You may have given a response, but she's not without for putting you on the spot and expecting one in the first place. While you are reflecting about your response, she *could* stand to reflect about how her forwardness contributed to it. Thus, I wouldn't sweat it. If you do appreciate her ring, offer her another compliment on your terms and then you'll both know it's genuine.

 

[sillyberry]

You know, I understand it is her personality to be showy and you are good enough friends for you to love her as she is, however it was still her choice to force interest in her ring and expect a response.... and you know what they say about expectations: quickest route to disappointment. You may have given a response, but she's not without for putting you on the spot and expecting one in the first place. While you are reflecting about your response, she *could* stand to reflect about how her forwardness contributed to it. Thus, I wouldn't sweat it. If you do appreciate her ring, offer her another compliment on your terms and then you'll both know it's genuine.

The giddy "ring flash" to friends seems to be part and parcel of being newly engaged, no?

 

[Laila619]

You know, I understand it is her personality to be showy and you are good enough friends for you to love her as she is, however it was still her choice to force interest in her ring and expect a response.... and you know what they say about expectations: quickest route to disappointment. You may have given a response, but she's not without for putting you on the spot and expecting one in the first place. While you are reflecting about your response, she *could* stand to reflect about how her forwardness contributed to it. Thus, I wouldn't sweat it. If you do appreciate her ring, offer her another compliment on your terms and then you'll both know it's genuine.

The giddy "ring flash" to friends seems to be part and parcel of being newly engaged, no?

Definitely!

 

[Tabbycat]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I didn't realize that "peaceful" would be such a confusing adjective, but considering how many people found it bizarre, I bet she was more confused than offended. From now on I'm going to stick to the trustworthy "beautiful" unless asked to elaborate.

I do have unusual ways of phrasing things sometimes. I think that got in the way.

Decodeddelighted, I DO value her friendship very much and like her a heck of a lot. I was just trying to describe the context, in case the context made it seem more/less like an insult to other people. She's a wonderful person, I think I'm not bad myself, but we have many differences. She's extroverted, enthusiastic and bubbly, and I am much calmer and quieter. I don't find this distasteful, I like her energy. But sometimes I do feel her energy "thrust" upon me, KWIM? It's just what will happen with a close introvert and extrovert friendship. She's wealthy, and enjoys buying clothing and accessories that are fashionable. I don't find this distasteful. I like her fashion sense and I don't envy her wealth. She kind, down-to-earth, and not a shallow, snobby or materialistic person. Money can change some people, but not her, she really is a lovely person.

But the fact is, I thought that what's in fashion right now in e-rings seems to be something more along the lines of a big honker with a halo and pave down the sides, so that's what I was expecting, since it wouldn't be that they *couldn't* get that if that's what they wanted. I am NOT saying there's anything wrong with a ring like that either, but they decided to go unconventional and understated. As a generally more unconventional and understated person than her myself, I was surprised but in a good way. Maybe I'm not describing this well. I don't think little of her for being the way she is, and I also don't think little of people with more gaudy rings (I am a bit of a magpie myself in a way. I adore how diamonds scintillate, so I can totally understand that some people might love to get as much sparkle as possible on there for personal, not social reasons.) She broke convention though, which was refreshing and unexpected in that moment, that's what I meant. It is kind of like how Priscilla Chan(sp?), Zuckerberg's wife, has an understated ruby ring. It is more impressive to me than the big honkers most celebrities have, even though I don't have anything against big honkers. I guess it's because a person might get a big honker because that's what they truly love, or for social reasons. A well-off person who gets a beautiful, understated design, is definitely doing that out of personal choice.

Another example: Imagine a banker working in downtown Manhattan choosing a .5 carat ring design. Her coworkers are walking around with 2 and 3 carats. It's surprising, but not in a bad way. It's just not what you expected considering the circumstances. It wouldn't make her look like less of a person if she chose 2 or 3 carats either, it just wouldn't surprise.

 

[Tabbycat]

You know, I understand it is her personality to be showy and you are good enough friends for you to love her as she is, however it was still her choice to force interest in her ring and expect a response.... and you know what they say about expectations: quickest route to disappointment. You may have given a response, but she's not without for putting you on the spot and expecting one in the first place. While you are reflecting about your response, she *could* stand to reflect about how her forwardness contributed to it. Thus, I wouldn't sweat it. If you do appreciate her ring, offer her another compliment on your terms and then you'll both know it's genuine.

The giddy "ring flash" to friends seems to be part and parcel of being newly engaged, no?

Yeah, I totally think the ring flash was because she was so excited to be getting married, it was sweet It's just that it sort of "put me on the spot" and I wouldn't say I'm great at spontaneously "winging" commentary (part of being an introvert), yet to pause too long in that sort of situation could be offensive, so I blurted. The results were not fantastic. Oh well.