Very unsure

[paigew]

Hello everyone, I''m new here and was told about this site from a friend of mine. I guess you could technically call me a LIW...hopefully not for long though!
I was wondering if I could get some advice here.
My bf and I have been dating for about 3 years now and have talked about ''the future'' and what that means for us. We talked about what I''d want in a ring (I got to pick the cut and he picked the carat size). Things were going really well and he figured we''d be engaged by the end of the year but now with everything that has happened with the market I was thinking this would delay things a bit since I know he wanted to get me at least a 2 carat stone. Last night we were talking and I brought up the engagement and said I didn''t mind if we waited since I know things are very unsettled with the market and all. He said he had no intention of waiting and said he wanted to proceed as planned (well his plan anyway which was by years end). I told him I''d rather wait since I know financially his idea of a ring would be a lot of money but he was insistent. We even started arguing about it and I told him to get me a simulant if he was that adamant about proposing already that I didn''t care one way or the other as the ring wasn''t the most important thing. I just wanted to make sure that we had money and were okay financially. We live in a two bedroom apartment in NYC so things are very expensive here and I''d rather have money in the bank than a money on my finger! Well the fight ended by me walking out of the apartment and taking a long walk. When I got back he had already went to sleep and was off to work before I even woke up this morning. We haven''t talked at all today except for a brief email from him saying he''d be working late (me too unfortunately). I know this isn''t ''the end'' but I''m just so frustrated right now with him. The more I thought about him getting me a simulant (at least for now until things are settled) the more I am taken with the idea. When we were arguing I told him why not go for a smaller carat size and maybe ''upgrade'' later but he said no.
So here I am, at work and not able to concentrate and at the rate I''m going, I''ll be here all night if I don''t start being productive! I just don''t know what to do. Should I push the simulant idea or let him waste his savings on a ring?
Thanks for letting me vent and any advice you may have!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

an engagement ring isn''t a "waste" ... it''s the most important promise either of you will ever make.

if his goal is buy you the ring, then you have trust him to do whats best.

no need to fight over this...

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I don''t think that its a bad thing its just that you both are on different ends of the thought process. I think he wants to do it right and you want to be practical. Is it possible he has it and you just do not know it? I think that you just need to have a calm talk with him and see where he wants to go with the ring. The market is bad yes, however I think that there is some room for compromise. I think that you just need to set a realistic budget. I would rather have a sim and be engaged than wait another year for the market to be better and get a stone. Just have a heart to heart with him, perhaps you can get a bigger stone but just 1.5 carat instead.

Good Luck!

 

[debzy103]

Hi Paige!

Fellow NYC girl here!

I know the economy is making times tough right now, especially in a city where prices are beyond ridiculous to begin with. Do you think there''s a chance he was so upset because he''s already purchased (or in the process of purchasing) your ring? And maybe he thinks your reaction is a sign of doubt, rather than a sincere concern over finances?

In my opinion, guys don''t think financially-forward like women do. I know my bf just bought me an e-ring (his mom slipped) that was way over his initial budget. But he views this as a purchase for the rest of our lives, so he thinks it''s worth it.

 

[FrekeChild]

What if you get a gemstone? White sapphire or something like that?

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Rings are investments, though perhaps not the BEST ones out there... But at the very least, it''s an investment in your relationship.

My dad was broke when he bought my mom''s ring... It''s a simple, beautiful solitaire, about .8ct, and he used all the money he saved to build/restore a muscle car on the stone. At the time it was about 2k-- they got married in 1974 and still are. My mom refuses to upgrade, my dad still insists it was worth a financial hardship and passing up on other of ''life''s pleasures'' to get my mom a ring she''d want to wear for LIFE.

If he wants to get you the rock of HIS dreams (and hopefully yours!), let him. The only time I would advise against this is if the two of you are completely entwined financially (combining your paychecks and sharing all financial responsibilities) and you''re fully aware of the lack of funding for a 2ct diamond... If it''s truly financially irresponsible for him to buy one, I''d continue arguing for him to hold out.

On the other hand, if it means paying off a car two months later than planned, skipping out on a weekend getaway, or passing on buying the plasma TV he''s been saving for-- let him be He clearly wants to use his money to make YOU happy, which will make HIM happy. Enjoy it & hope to see pretty pics in the coming months!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

hehehe. many girls would die to be in your shoes!!

honesly, once he starts shopping, he may end up changing his mind. for example, he may prefer quality over quantity and get a 1.5 carat as opposed to a 2 carat etc... i guess what im saying is maybe ideally he wants to get u a 2 carat stone but who knows if he actually will! just trust he will make a good decision either way... for now he is just talking in hypotheticals (unless he actually already did buy something)...

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Well, I think it''s important that you guys agree on finances within reasons. It will be important when you do get married. I mean- is he spending HIS money on the ring or are you helping to pay for it too? (as in- are you buying it together).

If it''s HIS money- then the engagement ring is a gift to you. However, I can understand wanting something else besides a ring- and making sure that you are financially secure. A decent 2 carat ring will be pretty expensive...

Does he have a savings account for it, or does he have a plan to pay it off or finance it? It''s probably not a good idea to drain your "rainy day fund" to purchase a ring because you never know when a financial emergency will come up.

I would encourage him to save up for it first- he can still plan to spend as much as he wants on the ring- but if you can talk him into saving and postponing the engagement, then the financial situation might not be so bad.

It''s awesome that he insists on getting you something nice, but not if he can''t afford it, and it will make things harder in the long run. Wait until you both cool down, then try and have a fair, logical conversation about it. I wish you well!

 

[gladyskristen]

Perhaps he has diligently put aside money on your ring? Your suggesting that you''ll prefer a smaller ring/simulant might have came off as an insult to his financial capability. Men and their ego r sometimes hard to understand. At least I know my SO is one who will say NO if he can''t afford it, and if he said he can, I don''t have to worry for him at all. I think when it comes to an engagement ring, it''s best to let him do his thing.

 

[paigew]

Thanks everyone for such great advice, I certainly needed it.
When I got home last night he was there waiting for me with roses and cupcakes from Magnolia''s (it has a meaning for us). It was very sweet and we had the chance to sit down and really talk about things. He says that he doesn''t want me to worry so much about money right now, that regardless of what is happening in the market we are doing fine. I forgot to mention but he worked for Bear Stearns and was part of that whole fiasco. He got another job a few weeks after (he was already interviewing) but it was pretty stressful for a few weeks there. I make good money but certainly not enough to cover our mortgage and everything. We both contribute to our finances like mortgage, food, etc. but we have our separate accounts as well.
I told him last night that I''d be perfectly happy with a smaller carat size or a sim but again, he told me not to worry, that he has everything worked out and that we can afford it. I do trust him with this but it still makes me edgy with the economy the way it is, and they''re even predicting a recession.
I know I should be relieved that he feels confident in this but I guess I just worry too much! Thanks again for all of your advice!