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Vent! Do boys realize the damage they do to these teen girls sometimes

autumngems

autumngems

Ideal_Rock
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Jul 24, 2003
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My daughter has been dating this young man for a year, both 19, just had their 1 year anniversary last month. We have treated him like one of our own and she has treated him so well. We have been out with his parents and over for dinner several times

Background - my daughters is suffering with depression and anxiety.
He broke up with her 1 day after prom (we hadn't even gotten all the prom pictures posted)
He broke up with her via text (while she was at school)
He broke up with her on the day she was to start a job (she lost that job) she was in no state to go to work
She left school and went to confront him and he couldn't handle it an called me to come get her and basically told me he needed time to himself and time with his friends. He texted me and said and he couldn't deal with this (her crying) and needed to get to work in 30 minutes (never mind my daughter is broken, crying uncontrollably and asks me, "momma, what did I do wrong, all I did was love him")? This tore my heart apart, the look in her eyes.
They were supposed to have a combined graduation party now it's too late to plan something for her.
They were supposed to be getting an apartment together during college (a couple hours away) now she has nowhere to go and will just go locally for a year as she doesn't want to go down there alone

I am just at a loss, I have dealt with 3 idiots so far, a stalker, a cheater and now one that would rather spend time with the boys than his girlfriend

She is so hurt and upset and nothing I say helps.
 
Autumn, I'm sorry for what your daughter is going through. Is she currently getting help for her depression and anxiety? If not she might find therapy helpful to talk through some of her feelings.

These two young adults are just starting out and sometimes the impulsivity of this age does not always make for rational decisions. With that said though this is a great opportunity for her to experience heartbreak and develop some healthy coping mechanisms for the future. You said they planned on a joint graduation party but there is no reason she can't still have a party. They were to move in together and maybe she can't afford her own apartment right now so she lives with you until she figures it out.

It's a great opportunity for her to figure some things out for herself, of course that is always hard when your child is hurt. Your thread title says a lot, it seems to put a lot of blame on this kid (and he really is just a kid) but blaming him isn't going to help her. Perspective is everything right? So maybe this becomes a lesson in being self reliant, not counting on the guy always being there and being able to stand on your own two feet. Of course be there for her but allow them to go through this on their own, you never know, they might end up getting back together or maybe not. In the end though she will be a stronger person with better coping mechanisms for the next guy.
 
Having been a teenage girl myself, my parents always took every "boyfriend" with a huuuuuuuuge grain of salt.

I'm not you, but again, I was a teenage girl. 19 year old girls don't need to be moving in with their boyfriends. She's a kid. She needs to learn that she will be kissing a few frogs before the real deal comes along. Be supportive and wipe her tears, and then it's time for her to focus on a summer job and making plans without him. This is her time for her to figure out who she is and what she wants without a guy in the picture shaping it.
And yes, most teenage boys want to hang out with their friends, especially if they have a girlfriend who is around every second.
 
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autumngems said:
I am just at a loss, I have dealt with 3 idiots so far, a stalker, a cheater and now one that would rather spend time with the boys than his girlfriend

She is so hurt and upset and nothing I say helps.
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I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. Many teens go through this multiple times. It's not always the boy either. There are plenty of girls breaking hearts out there. It doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong...although text break ups are not something I would do - but I'm 45! I remember in high school couples breaking up via messages from their friends...or a note.. also not the right thing to do but they were kids! I wasn't ready to settle down really till my 30's & even then it didn't work out lol. They are young & going off to college with their whole lives ahead of them. The focus should be on themselves & figuring out life - not planning their life around another at 19. You've dealt with 3 idiots and there may be many many more before she settles down. All you can do is be there for her. In all honesty at that age my friends were a HUGE part of my life. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with them & when I went off to college the last thing I wanted to be was tied down.

You can absolutely still plan a party! there is plenty of time so concentrate on that! Lift her up as best you can and be the positive force in her life.
 
So sorry you daughter is hurting.
I was thinking what the other posters in this thread have said but didn't know how it would sound coming from a guy.
 
Without wanting to sound harsh or unsympathetic, it sounds like your daughter is going through what most young people go through -- perhaps you need to distance yourself a bit so that you can put this into perspective for your daughter -- to remind her that there are many frogs, and that she is young and that this experience is common to her age-group and how she chooses to handle it will undoubtedly affect her future relationships, and also that life is filled with unexpectedness and sometimes we all have to dig deep to take care of our responsibilities even while our heart(s) are breaking. This doesn't make light of her feelings but may help her see that others have gone through it and survived, and so shall she.
 
I have 2 grown daughters. Their love lives have been relatively drama free except for those few bad break ups that everyone has at some point. One daughter was a heartbreaker, BUT, she ended up failing an entire year of college due to a nasty break up. She switched schools halfway through the semester and that messed up her college life for several years actually, because the next boyfriend was very clingy and insisted on her being there for him. School became secondary. Ugh!! We just supported our daughters enough for them to know they could still count on us, but that they were also better off without X in their lives. It's hard.
 
I second what everyone has said. It sucks to see your daughter's heart broken. But what she has experienced, is well part of life, especially at that age. She is still young, people are still immature and not ready to settle down; she is still learning who she is. To be frank, her becoming more emotionally independent and figuring her life out sans a boyfriend at this age would be a very healthy thing to do.
 
I also think that this might be an important lesson in learning how to meet role responsibilities even when life hands you a lemon. How to go to work, even though you are upset (and that the distraction of staying engaged in your life is an important tool in managing anxiety and distress). How to move forward with plans, even though circumstances have changed and what you're moving towards is no longer what you imagined. How to accept with grace when someone decides that they don't want to be with you anymore (because 'confronting' and crying hysterically, while totally understandable at 19 isn't probably how you want to be able to handle things in adulthood).

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he did anything wrong other than decide that he wasn't ready for the huge level of commitment that they had made (which sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders). He's allowed to want to do something else with his life, and better to recognize this now than once they were stuck in an apartment together. As others have said 19 is not the age to be moving in with your high school boyfriend. 19 is the age to be learning how to be an adult. How to be independent, how to manage your money, your emotions, your responsibilities at work and at school. It's about figuring out who you are and what direction you want to go in life. To find a job or a career path. To date lots of people (and kiss a lot of frogs) to figure out who is good for you and who is not. It's not the age to make a lifelong commitment to anyone.

Is she were my kid, I'd encourage her to go to college anyway. She doesn't (or shouldn't) need a boy to go to college away from home. It will be good for her. She will meet new people. She will grow as a person from being independent. It would also probably help her anxiety to learn to stand on her own two feet for a while, to learn that she can overcome things even though they are scary, and to learn that she can do things on her own, without needing help from anyone. She has lots of time to find a new place to live, or a new roommate if she needs one, or to get into residence. Dropping out of life because a boy dumps you (leaving school, not showing up for a job, not going to college as planned) is not a good message to support!
 
I'm sorry your daughter is going through a hard time, but coming at this from a different angle, I would say she's had a lucky escape. I'm not doubting how deep her feelings are for this boy, but that's what he is. 19 year old girls are far more mature than boys of that age, and although it's no consolation to her or you, better now than a few years down the line when she might've had expectations of marriage and stability. I think it's extremely cowardly to dump someone by text, yet another example of his immaturity.

Of course she feels devastated, but broken hearts do heal. I know she may not believe that now, but she will, in time.
 
Getting dumped sucks.

I would encourage her to take a few weeks before making any drastic decisions regarding job and college. Was she going away to be with him, or because that school has a particular program that interests her? Why not live in a dorm for a year and meet new people? There are loads of "getting to know your neighbor" events and then she can find some friends to rent an apartment with next year. Going away for school by yourself definitely doesn't have to be lonely!

This is a great time for her to figure out what she wants independently from any boy.

To be honest I can't think of anyone in my cohort who moved to school with a partner and actually stayed together the entire 4 years. As hard as it is, this might be a blessing. She gets to set up her life on her terms.

Adding that I have always had severe anxiety, but moved 5 hours away from home for school and lived in a dorm for the first year. They really did try and make the transition as easy as possible and I'm very grateful for all of the opportunities to gain new skills in a supportive environment.
 
Thank you all for your words.
She hasn't given up school at all, just going locally for a year now.
 
I'm sorry to hear she's feeling bad, I X2 all the posters who referenced the pain of being the dumpee/d. Learning to handle pain and discomfort is definitely part of growing as an adult. Being at the mercy of 'feelings' is a terrifying prospect if you never learn that feelings pass and also, feelings LIE.

One thing, none of my business of course, but because you posted it...Don't make her dates, boyfriends and fiances part of the family. They *aren't*---they are your daughter's date/boyfriend/fiance. Until she is married or partnered up similarly, treat these men with respect, kindness and dignity but DO NOT make them part of the family. Several reasons besides its an affectation, some of them being it will drive away men who think you are overinvolved in their relationship/make them feel crowded and enmeshed; when/if they do break up the break up is not only with your daughter but with her family; it puts pressure on your daughter in ways she can't handle right now and doesn't quite understand.

I hope she is feeling better soon and her outlook gives her a big sparkling world to go get out into.
 
Hi AG,

I have a pretty extensive mental illness profile. I'm realistic about how it impacts the people in my life. I think until a person takes responsibility for their recovery and wellness and has a complete grasp on how their illness impacts others, they are going to be a huge burden on those they are close to. Hell, even with taking full responsibility for one's self, being a person with mental illness can be a huge burden on those you love.

I remember your daughter's story. You don't want her medicated. Is she in weekly therapy?

I have a friend who has a young daughter with very, very severe anxiety. We are talking about anxiety to the point to where it makes her weird. She is unable to interact normally with anybody, including her parents. A situation arose in her life where she had to be seen by a sleep therapist and that doctor told her mother that if they didn't intervene with her anxiety, it would impede her normal development.

Mental illness has that ability.

Her mother is so anxious that she isn't allowing treatment. So her daughter's life will not be anything close to normal. She will not interact with people in a normal way. Eventually, her learning will be affected because she won't be able to interact in group settings or give oral reports. She won't have any friends, or if she does make friends, they will take advantage of her because of her extreme naïveté. I shudder to think of her adulthood.

Your daughter needs treatment. If you are too afraid of medication, then she needs to be in some sort of regular therapy, along with a strict diet that wipes out all white flour and sugar, large doses of omega 3's, and other interventions that can be outlined by an herbalist or holistic practitioner. But if you expect her to somehow learn to cope with this debilitating condition on her own or snap out of it, that isn't going to happen. She will only get worse. She will continue to (unwittingly) break her own heart or be a target to crappy men who will chose a girl like her who isn't standing on steady ground. People who are suffering like her without the proper coping mechanisms are perfect victims to predators who like to hurt others. The other scenario is that she might find a good person, but she might lean to hard because of her conditions and her partner won't be able to take it. And who can blame him? That's a prison sentence to have to maintain someone else's happiness!

And I don't mean to hurt you. I am just pleading to you.... Please don't allow your fears to get in the way of her going out and finding as normal of a life as possible.

This isn't this boy's fault. Your daughter needs help. I'm sorry she is hurting.
 
azstonie said:
I'm sorry to hear she's feeling bad, I X2 all the posters who referenced the pain of being the dumpee/d. Learning to handle pain and discomfort is definitely part of growing as an adult. Being at the mercy of 'feelings' is a terrifying prospect if you never learn that feelings pass and also, feelings LIE.

One thing, none of my business of course, but because you posted it...Don't make her dates, boyfriends and fiances part of the family. They *aren't*---they are your daughter's date/boyfriend/fiance. Until she is married or partnered up similarly, treat these men with respect, kindness and dignity but DO NOT make them part of the family. Several reasons besides its an affectation, some of them being it will drive away men who think you are overinvolved in their relationship/make them feel crowded and enmeshed; when/if they do break up the break up is not only with your daughter but with her family; it puts pressure on your daughter in ways she can't handle right now and doesn't quite understand.

I hope she is feeling better soon and her outlook gives her a big sparkling world to go get out into.
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I agree with what everyone said about he importance of her being unencumbered by a relationship now, especially as she is starting a whole new chapter in life. I also agree wholeheartedly about the freshman year dorm experience. It can change your life. She should have a chance to experience it. Even if my daughter wanted to share an apartment or live at home, I would not let her. I would require her to experience it.

But more than anything else, I cannot agree more with NOT treating the significant other like family. It places a lot of pressure, maybe inadvertent and subliminal, on both parties. I didn't want to get close to my DH's family until I knew we were on the path to marriage. And I didn't let him in either until we were a couple years from being engaged. My DH and I dated 10 years before we got married. Now we are going on 20 married years. Both parties need to be independent. IMHO, Moving in with a BF/GF at 19 is way too young. I would not in a million years allow my son or daughter to do that. Even if they wanted to be exclusive in college I would make sure they were in an environment that allowed them the opportunity to meet LOTS AND LOTS of new people and to make new friends. If they relationship survives the change of environment, then it's meant to be. And if it doesn't, thank goodness it ended now when she has a whole SEA of guys to meet and get to know. It will be an exciting time for her, and should be lots of fun and changes, time for her to discover that there are SOOOO many different people. She'll be OK. This is HER time. Tell her to be selfish about it.

I am so sorry that your daughter is so broken hearted. Sounds like she is a giver. All she did was love him. If possible, and many will disagree with me, retrain her NOT to be the giver in a relationship. It sounds horrible I know, but she needs to be the taker. She needs to find a guy that worships the ground she walks on and that she can ignore but he will still keep coming back for more. (Oh geez I can hear it now...). I know, just my opinion. But I think this reduces the likelihood of heartbreak for your daughter. I am only sharing from experience. All the women in my family have been takers and the husband keeps on giving, and the marriage keeps on going. From what I've seen it works so I'm sticking with it. I am teaching my daughter the same thing. She's doing great. She takes from everyone. Lol!! She should put in maybe 30%, maybe 40% max. He needs to make up the difference. Sorry. You can ignore me. Just my 2c for future success. But I will say one thing. Being a taker at the get-go weeds out the guys that are takers. They come upon her and realize they ain't gettin' much and move on. Those are the guys you don't want around right?
 
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Autumngems, I am sorry your DD and your family are dealing with this and I echo those who say she is young and she needs to focus on herself and her education. I agree so much with what LLJsmom wrote. When you are dating a boy that boy will show you who he is. You must listen to that because once you get married it won't get better. He won't change and if he doesn't treat you like his princess and queen and cherish and adore you and put you first while you are dating he will never treat you like that. Doesn't your DD deserve more? Doesn't she deserve a man who will cherish, adore and respect her?


I also think 19 is way too young to move in with your boyfriend but that is not my business and of course it is your DD and your family but since you shared your thoughts and questions here I am sharing my thoughts. And I agree with those who said your DD needs to be in therapy/counseling where she learns she matters and needs to put herself first above any boy right now. Her self esteem isn't strong (from what you are sharing and I am not a mental health professional so just sharing my lay thoughts) and she needs to develop a stronger sense of self. These are the tools that will serve her well the rest of her life and if she doesn't concentrate on learning them now and making herself stronger emotionally it will haunt her the rest of her life. She is young now and she has her whole future ahead of her. Hopefully a bright strong future filled with love and happiness and success. She deserves nothing less. But you know that saying-nothing worthwhile is ever easy. There is much truth in that.

Wishing your DD healing and comfort and I hope she comes through this stronger than ever. (((Hugs))) to you both.
 
Autumngems, I'm sorry for the pain your daughter is dealing with because of this breakup. She sounds like she has a big heart. As the mom of a daughter with a big heart myself, I can understand how hard it is to watch as the world isn't always as kind to her as the kindness she puts out.

May I ask, are you upset that he broke up with her, or upset with how he did it?

Regarding how he did it (text), it reminds me of a breakup story I have never forgotten. Our neighbor's daughter was on vacation with her family after graduation, and her years-long boyfriend changed his relationship status on FB to single. That's it. No idea a breakup was coming, no contact from him directly. I was kind of horrified at the utter lack of respect or care, but the mom seemed pretty chill about it. She wasn't thrilled, but I think *I* was more upset! However, they went on to get married and have been for several years now. I couldn't believe she would take him back after such an crappy way of treating her (during the breakup, otherwise I have no idea if he was a good boyfriend or not), but I've since seen more of that kind of thing and had to adjust my thinking. Most 19 year-olds simply don't have the maturity/experience/tools to handle breakups the way they ought to be handled. That typically - hopefully - comes with time and experience.

I'd like to offer up a different perspective on his choices. I see your daughter's boyfriend waiting until *after* the prom as meaning to be a thoughtful position. He might have considered that if he did it before the prom, she would miss a milestone event, be devastated while all of her friends were having the time of their lives, and possibly lose money on things she'd already bought/reserved for it. But he also figured he had better do it as soon as it was over so that she would have as much time as possible to plan a new graduation party and make new plans for college living. I suspect he did it via text so that he wouldn't chicken out and rob her of this time and consideration, and because after two years together and knowing she suffers from depression and anxiety, he was anxious himself at how difficult it would be. It sucks, but it's understandable (in my book). And I don't think this approach is limited to boys, girls go about it the same way (I did. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years two weeks *before* the prom. With a note. That I had my friend give to him. And I believe I am a good person, it is important to me to be so.)

Regarding college, I think this is a key moment for you and for her. Supporting the notion that she can't go down there alone and should go locally now might have a crippling effect on her. Please bear in mind that going off to college alone is something *most* kids do. It's an enormous learning experience for them, it is such an important contributor to their growth and forward motion into adulthood. I would love to see you try and support the idea that she can do this, it will be scary and hard, but it's scary and hard for everyone and they'll all survive it together! She doesn't need a male to do the important things in life, or the things she wants to do. However not pulling together a party for her, letting her switch colleges now that he's not going with her, letting her live at home... all of these things inadvertently teach her that she must have a man by her side, a crutch. Not only is that not healthy for her, but it is too heavy a load for another person to bear, and she may be in for many more breakups when the men in her life can no longer support her load.

I feel for you, autumn. I wish your daughter the best.
 
You've gotten some great advice here, Autumn. As I recall now, you got involved when your daughter quit her last job job and tried to do that for her because the manager was "mean". Most of your posts regarding your daughter show clearly how much you love her, but they also show a concerning pattern of you shielding her from experiences that are a vital part of growing up and becoming self reliant. Her mother won't always be there to quit a job for her when the boss is mean. She won't always be able to just not show up for work and go home when a man breaks her heart.

I sense that when you shelter her this way it is maybe your way of keeping her close and dependent on you. I don't think that is going to help either one of you in the long run. Best of luck.
 
I agree with the other posters, some great advice offered here. She is young, these things happen. Offer support but help her focus on being more resilient & independent at this age. Love as a teenager is often frail and moving in together may not have been the right choice anyway. Life goes on I promise! She needs to go to work or college just as she would normally (with or without a boyfriend). Leaving home at 18 and moving overseas truly helped me mature and it was the best way thing to ever happen to me!
 
missy said:
Autumngems, I am sorry your DD and your family are dealing with this and I echo those who say she is young and she needs to focus on herself and her education. I agree so much with what LLJsmom wrote. When you are dating a boy that boy will show you who he is. You must listen to that because once you get married it won't get better. He won't change and if he doesn't treat you like his princess and queen and cherish and adore you and put you first while you are dating he will never treat you like that. Doesn't your DD deserve more? Doesn't she deserve a man who will cherish, adore and respect her?


I also think 19 is way too young to move in with your boyfriend but that is not my business and of course it is your DD and your family but since you shared your thoughts and questions here I am sharing my thoughts. And I agree with those who said your DD needs to be in therapy/counseling where she learns she matters and needs to put herself first above any boy right now. Her self esteem isn't strong (from what you are sharing and I am not a mental health professional so just sharing my lay thoughts) and she needs to develop a stronger sense of self. These are the tools that will serve her well the rest of her life and if she doesn't concentrate on learning them now and making herself stronger emotionally it will haunt her the rest of her life. She is young now and she has her whole future ahead of her. Hopefully a bright strong future filled with love and happiness and success. She deserves nothing less. But you know that saying-nothing worthwhile is ever easy. There is much truth in that.

Wishing your DD healing and comfort and I hope she comes through this stronger than ever. (((Hugs))) to you both.
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Missy put it so well with such empathy and kindness. Autumngems, I am so sorry if I came across as judgmental and unsympathetic. It truly breaks my heart to see girls that are very big hearted have their own hearts broken. I wouldn't want that for any girl. But what Missy said is so true. She needs to put herself first, decide on her own path, and if some guy wants to be part of her life, he either goes along or gets going. I do truly hope that there is some way she can still go to the college she had planned. Although I am 45, I remember my first year so clearly. I remember how exciting that was not just for me but for every young 18 year old that I had met that first year. We were all away for the first time, and we knew that this step was BIG, but all us freshman were in it together. In an environment like that, everyone is so much more open, accepting, enthusiastic, and excited for the future. If there is anyway at all that she can experience that with her peers, that would be life changing. My own daughter is an anxious type (she's 11). Stresses a lot and does not like to do new things. Hates change. We have forced her to learn to adapt. We have FORCED her into so many things, but after she did them she always will come back and say, "thanks Mom" and will admit to us that she is glad we made her do it. Gymnastics. Martial Arts (She's on her brown belt now). Swimming (cause this could save her life), Outdoor Ed. We just had a huge battle. We forced her to sign up for leadership and peer mediation for her elective at school. Tears, throw down, slamming doors (she got in trouble for that.) but she signed up. We'll see soon which it will be. We know that if we let her retreat into her room, her shell, and do only what is comfortable with her two friends, she will not acquire the skills she will need to cope with life, and she will miss out on how fulfilling, challenging and exciting it can be. My husband always says to me and the kids, "Just show up". Anyway, I didn't mean for this to sound so much like a lecture. You know your daughter best and you love her more than anything in the world. It's so hard to see them in pain, scared, hurt. But they are a lot stronger than we think. Blessings to you and your daughter. And like Missy said, Wishing your DD healing and comfort and I hope she comes through this stronger than ever.
 
I am currently seeing a situation unfold on the other side of this, although I like to think my (MUCH YOUNGER, there is a huge gap in our family) eighteen-year-old brother wouldn't dump a girl right after prom. In fact, he hasn't dumped her at all.

He got involved with this sweet girl who seemed really nice, and I've met her on occasion when I went to my parents and she was there. What we didn't realize was that she was starting to lean on him unhealthily. He was starting to look pale, being on the phone all the time, being short and snappy and defensive, and withdrawing from friends and family.

Finally he broke down and admitted to my parents that he is overwhelmed. She has bad depression and anxiety and is constantly leaning on him. Constantly calling for hours and needing to cry or talk to him. Thats a lot to handle as a teen. As an eighteen-year-old senior in high school, he barely has the mental and emotional capacity to figure his own life out, let alone be responsible for the mental well being of another person.

I'm not sure if this happened on any level with your daughter, but it might be something to consider. We had no idea the relationship had gone this way and that the girl needed that much help. Because of my experience with psychology, I'm helping my parents figure out next step, but it will involve therapy for my brother and hopefully treatment for this girl because my teen brother can NOT be her therapist or responsible for her mental health.

I do feel for your daughter and her pain, and your pain seeing her go through this, because it sounds like she is struggling with so much. But the situation and his saying that he can't deal with this (her crying uncontrollably when he has to go to work and being unwilling to accept the break-up) is full of red flags on both ends.

All the above advice about your daughter getting help is really good. In fact there is so much good advice up there that is better than I could give.

All I would say is I have had close friends with depression and anxiety that had relationships like this and they were able to get help and have better ones later. Until they were willing to get help, they met either jerks who tossed them aside or nice guys who got overwhelmed or (WORST OPTION) abusers who were happy to play super-hero and then treat the girl like crap because they know she's dependent on them.
 
HI:

AG, thank you for sharing. You have a lot on your plate.

I read anguish in your words because you are frustrated, upset, and perhaps are at the end of your rope because you state "nothing you say helps". And maybe that is the point or the root of the issue--that as parents we are equipped for lots of things but not to be professional therapists to our children.

Looking outside your sphere of influence and ability might be a really good step for you and your family. Housecat, upthread, made a compassionate plea to seek professional help. And FWIW my take on these matters is that one looks for outside intervention, as needed, not because you should but because you can.

healing vibes across the miles--Sharon
 
My oldest has depression, anxiety and OCD. It got to the point where CBT and therapy, while working, couldn't reign in the effects of the chemical issues his brain experienced.

We got him in with an excellent practicioner and it took two mood stabilizers and an anti depressant to level him out with the neuro chemicals. Since this, he has soared and is a changed man. The drama and chaos is gone and he is excelling in university and in his personal life. He is organized, prompt and engaged in his life.

Someone mentioned that you don't want her medicated; I do have to reply, though, that when you are dealing with depression (and for my son, possibly bipolar) research is clearly showing that every episode damages the central nervous system and so to speak etches grooves and pathways which make the next episodes easier, more frequent and stronger. These new episodes in turn regroove the pathways and lay the path for even more strong, frequent and more powerful episodes.

Once I read that research it became clear that we needed to look at meds. A year later, I don't regret it at all. He is thriving and is much happier than he used to be.

Another son recently got out of a relationship with a sweet girl. However, I didn't realize that she was leaning too heavily on him and he also (someone else mentioned her brother went though this too) was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from having to deal with her issues all of the time. He was becoming depressed. While he was sympathetic to her situations (her parents are both flakes and have big issues), he is only 17 and isn't equipped to deal with these heavy emotional issues. He broke up with her 2 weeks before prom and he is so much happier. His friends' moms have even told me that his friends had been concerned and they see how much more relieved he is now. We really liked the girl and I'm having to detach from her (it's hard!) but I'm glad my son was strong enough to get himself out of a situation that was unhealthy for him.

Each person needs to bring 100% of themselves to the relationship. It sounds like your daughter is unable to be a whole 100% right now. Depression does that to you. Depression takes part of you away. I beg you to allow her to try medicine. Don't set her up to fail in life-- she deserves a happy and full life.
 
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...Background - my daughters is suffering with depression and anxiety...
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Maybe try looking at this another way. What teenage girl DOES NOT suffer anxiety and depression except "The Heathers" type who are the queen bees who rule everyone else??! High school sucks. It's full of small-time hypocrites and big fish in a small pond, and so on and so forth, ad nauseum. Tell her to get over it. High school is THE PITS! real life starts when you move away from all of that and finally start living life on your own terms. You study things that intellectually interest YOU. You are free to discard your old identity and the bondage of putting up with high-schooler small minds and move on out into the adult world of people that you actually share interests with. Unlike high school, college actually has things to offer the introverted and the intellectual and the analytical minds. It's not all T&A and football and jiggle that fanny. Being smart and studious are massive advantages.

So that guy dumped her, and it hurt. But fact is that ALL relationships end. Either they end in marriage, or they just end. Age 19 without either one of them having vocational skills is too young to marry. So the best they could have done is live together and play house. Or the relationship would end, which it naturally did, because one of them decided to look at other options. And let's face another reality: COLLEGE IS ONE OF THE BEST PLACES ON EARTH TO FIND A MATE! A woman will never again have such a diverse pool of college-educated, single, childfree, actual husband material to pick from. Once you're out in the work world, it's married men, divorced men, men who've never finished college, men who never got vocational skills to earn a decent living, etc. It's fine if she wants to start college at home and/or at a community college. It's a great way to blow away all the gen-ed credits at a reduced price (assuming she didn't already do some or all of that while still in high school.) And she can think over what schools and majors interest her now that she is "single" and the need to be self-reliant has been driven home in a way that really made an impact on here. Free of that man = free to do anything she wants. She just needs to switch gears and start acting single.

It's been said that depression is anger turned inward. And shyness is selfishness. Tell her to get out there and take what she wants from life and not be some little dependent weak woman, because men don't want that type anymore unless you are talking with the religious fundamentalists or the hicks that have to have a controllable subordinate and poorly educated woman who serves as housewife, drudge, and mama. (Look at the Duggars for a good example of THAT. All of those guys have careers, and the girls are trained to breed and be doulahs! Flippin' worse than being Amish, lol!)
 
AdaBeta27 said:
Maybe try looking at this another way. What teenage girl DOES NOT suffer anxiety and depression except "The Heathers" type who are the queen bees who rule everyone else??! High school sucks. It's full of small-time hypocrites and big fish in a small pond, and so on and so forth, ad nauseum. Tell her to get over it. High school is THE PITS! real life starts when you move away from all of that and finally start living life on your own terms. You study things that intellectually interest YOU. You are free to discard your old identity and the bondage of putting up with high-schooler small minds and move on out into the adult world of people that you actually share interests with. Unlike high school, college actually has things to offer the introverted and the intellectual and the analytical minds. It's not all T&A and football and jiggle that fanny. Being smart and studious are massive advantages.

So that guy dumped her, and it hurt. But fact is that ALL relationships end. Either they end in marriage, or they just end. Age 19 without either one of them having vocational skills is too young to marry. So the best they could have done is live together and play house. Or the relationship would end, which it naturally did, because one of them decided to look at other options. And let's face another reality: COLLEGE IS ONE OF THE BEST PLACES ON EARTH TO FIND A MATE! A woman will never again have such a diverse pool of college-educated, single, childfree, actual husband material to pick from. Once you're out in the work world, it's married men, divorced men, men who've never finished college, men who never got vocational skills to earn a decent living, etc. It's fine if she wants to start college at home and/or at a community college. It's a great way to blow away all the gen-ed credits at a reduced price (assuming she didn't already do some or all of that while still in high school.) And she can think over what schools and majors interest her now that she is "single" and the need to be self-reliant has been driven home in a way that really made an impact on here. Free of that man = free to do anything she wants. She just needs to switch gears and start acting single.

It's been said that depression is anger turned inward. And shyness is selfishness. Tell her to get out there and take what she wants from life and not be some little dependent weak woman, because men don't want that type anymore unless you are talking with the religious fundamentalists or the hicks that have to have a controllable subordinate and poorly educated woman who serves as housewife, drudge, and mama. (Look at the Duggars for a good example of THAT. All of those guys have careers, and the girls are trained to breed and be doulahs! Flippin' worse than being Amish, lol!)
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AdaB: Wow. What a positive, uplifting, intuitive, and most of all helpful post.:nono::knockout: Just what every (suffering) parent and teenager needs to hear. Excellent.

Any more bon mots? (although I think you've covered the cliches pretty well).
 
AdaB, All young women should read your post.
 
WTH? There was only one queen bee in Heathers, and they killed her with Drano. The real problem was that ******* Christian Slater. He orchestrated everything. :lol:
 
For those who suffer/adult loved ones suffer from serious, suicidal depression, read the material on ketamine. If I ever have an episode of depression that is long enough/suicidal enough, I'll be at the ketamine clinic in my city immediately. It works. (I don't mean this for autumngems' daughter, though, just to be clear.)
 
AdaBeta27 said:
Maybe try looking at this another way. What teenage girl DOES NOT suffer anxiety and depression except "The Heathers" type who are the queen bees who rule everyone else??! High school sucks. It's full of small-time hypocrites and big fish in a small pond, and so on and so forth, ad nauseum. Tell her to get over it. High school is THE PITS! real life starts when you move away from all of that and finally start living life on your own terms. You study things that intellectually interest YOU. You are free to discard your old identity and the bondage of putting up with high-schooler small minds and move on out into the adult world of people that you actually share interests with. Unlike high school, college actually has things to offer the introverted and the intellectual and the analytical minds. It's not all T&A and football and jiggle that fanny. Being smart and studious are massive advantages.

So that guy dumped her, and it hurt. But fact is that ALL relationships end. Either they end in marriage, or they just end. Age 19 without either one of them having vocational skills is too young to marry. So the best they could have done is live together and play house. Or the relationship would end, which it naturally did, because one of them decided to look at other options. And let's face another reality: COLLEGE IS ONE OF THE BEST PLACES ON EARTH TO FIND A MATE! A woman will never again have such a diverse pool of college-educated, single, childfree, actual husband material to pick from. Once you're out in the work world, it's married men, divorced men, men who've never finished college, men who never got vocational skills to earn a decent living, etc. It's fine if she wants to start college at home and/or at a community college. It's a great way to blow away all the gen-ed credits at a reduced price (assuming she didn't already do some or all of that while still in high school.) And she can think over what schools and majors interest her now that she is "single" and the need to be self-reliant has been driven home in a way that really made an impact on here. Free of that man = free to do anything she wants. She just needs to switch gears and start acting single.

It's been said that depression is anger turned inward. And shyness is selfishness. Tell her to get out there and take what she wants from life and not be some little dependent weak woman, because men don't want that type anymore unless you are talking with the religious fundamentalists or the hicks that have to have a controllable subordinate and poorly educated woman who serves as housewife, drudge, and mama. (Look at the Duggars for a good example of THAT. All of those guys have careers, and the girls are trained to breed and be doulahs! Flippin' worse than being Amish, lol!)
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While I definitely feel that a person has choices when they live with depression and anxiety, many people are not able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and move on with their lives. If they could, they wouldn't have depression and anxiety in the first place!

Their choices are whether or not to commit to treatment. They can also make healthy lifestyle choices and with that comes the ability to move on in the most normal way possible.

It is very dangerous to tell someone with a mood disorder to just get on with it. Doing so makes a person feel that they are defective when they aren't able to accomplish this task. This makes things so much worse and causes them to be more depressed and more anxious.

Spreading stigma is dangerous. Telling people to just get over it spreads stigma. If you want to help a person with a mood disorder, encourage them to get help.
 
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