Vent - baby at a bachelorette?

[lovesparklies]

One of my bridesmaids is hosting my bachelorette weekend in New Orleans where she lives. She loves to plan things – it’s totally her thing – and she lives in a cool place so she’s planning it instead of my matron of honor, my older sister, who lives in my small hometown and far from the rest of my bmaids who live in major cities all over the country. I mention that because it initially made my MOH upset that this other friend is planning it but she just kind of took over. Anyway, I’m already stressed about the hotel room situation because a bunch of girls who don’t know each other very well are going to have to sleep together in double beds and possibly three people to a king bed and we’re all 30 or above and I feel like we’re beyond that spring break sort of thing but whatever, I’ll get over it. But now my mom just told me that my sister is planning on going (which I wasn’t sure about but am happy to hear) and that she’s bringing my niece, who will be 7 months old at the time of the bachelorette. To New Orleans. We’re staying on Bourbon Street. I do want my sister there and love my niece, but a bachelorette just doesn’t seem the place to bring a baby. I know I’m not a mom yet and I don’t understand, but c’mon. I’m not going to try to convince my sister to not bring the baby, though, because she will still be breastfeeding so I guess it’s either the two of them or neither of them.

Besides the logistical issues involved in having a baby with us, I’m also concerned because the bmaid who’s planning the bachelorette has a daughter the same age as my niece and she is sending her husband and kids away for the weekend so we can stay at her house one night and have a girls only night to ourselves. I know that’s her decision but I don’t feel right having her do that if my niece is there.

None of my friends will have to struggle financially to make it to my bachelorette, but I also feel bad having them take time off work and pay to come to a bachelorette that’s not what they would normally expect. We’re not party animals or anything but I think they would all enjoy a weekend to let loose with the girls without their SOs or kids around. I guess I also feel kind of lame having a baby at my bachelorette while my FI is at his bachelor party in NYC doing it up with all his friends.

But it’ll be okay, right? We’ll still have fun and work out the logistical issues, right? I''m on the verge of cancelling the whole thing to avoid the headache but I know that''s not the best reaction. Please someone help talk me off the ledge and tell me it’s okay.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[meresal]

Sorry, completely unacceptable. I don't even want to take the time to explain myself, It would be a huge ramble. What I'm wondering is how your mom is not seeing red flags with this?

I think mom should step in here. If all the girls are coming sans kids then the baby should stay home for the weekend with Dad.

 

[DietCokeBreak]

That''s a toughie. I don''t know much about breastfeeding, but can''t she express some milk for the wee one for a day? And who says she has to come ALL weekend? Part of being a parent is realizing you can''t party it up the way you did as a single person. I would just think she could come for one night of fun with you guys, sans baby, and then go back to being a mommy.

I''m sure, however, that some with more experience with infants will correct me. Maybe I just don''t understand this expressed milk stuff.

Hope it all works out!

 

[elrohwen]

I wouldn''t be cool with that at all. I have friends who bring their baby to parties when they come, but these are just local parties and they can leave early (or put the baby to sleep in an upstairs bedroom for a bit) if she gets fussy. To bring a baby to an out of town bachelorette party where the baby will be around everyone else 24 hours a day? Terrible idea.

And you''re all going to share hotel rooms? I''d like to see the fight when everyone wants to *not* sleep in a room with a 7 month old.

I would talk to your sister (and maybe your mom) about it and see what they can do about leaving the kid behind or something. At 7 months, her mom can absolutely leave her with dad for a day or two.

 

[lovesparklies]

Thanks meresal, I''m glad to see that my reaction wasn''t totally off-base. I think my mom does see the red flags (although not as strongly as I do) but we''re both in a tough position. My mom doesn''t want to make either of us upset and I can''t really tell my sister she''s not allowed to come if she can''t leave the baby. If it were her decision not to come, that would be different. But my mom offered to feel out the situation with her and see if she''s willing to leave the baby for the weekend so we''ll see. This is probably for another topic on another board but she breastfed her other child for over a year with no bottles ever and that''s the issue here.

 

[swingirl]

When you are nursing, no, you can''t express enough milk for a day and be without your baby. Your baby AND your breasts will be very unhappy. Even though it is not the ideal situation I don''t think you should let it spoil your fun. She will need to take care of things with the baby but she is your sister and wants to be there. Personally, I''d be more annoyed at having to sleep with strangers 3 to a bed!!

 

[lovesparklies]

Hi DietCokeBreak, elrohwen and swingirl!

Thanks for your comments. It wouldn''t really make sense for her to come just for a day since it''s a major cross-country trip (MN to New Orleans) so it''s either all or nothing. I would have to reserve a 3rd hotel room and I would stay with her and the baby. At least that would ease the sleeping situation for the rest of them and there wouldn''t be 3 to a bed! That''s a whole other issue to work out...

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Basically there will be plenty of time that she''ll probably be in the room with the baby. I do think it would be wiser for her to stay home, but I''m not sure how you can stop her from coming. I know I wouldn''t being a 7 month old to Bourbon St., that''s for sure! I also do not think it is acceptable for strangers to be sharing a room, though. They should have the option of rooming with someone they know or rooming alone. And 2 to a room seems to be better for adults, to me anyway!

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/6/2009 7:08:56 PM
Author: lovesparklies
Hi DietCokeBreak, elrohwen and swingirl!

Thanks for your comments. It wouldn't really make sense for her to come just for a day since it's a major cross-country trip (MN to New Orleans) so it's either all or nothing. I would have to reserve a 3rd hotel room and I would stay with her and the baby. At least that would ease the sleeping situation for the rest of them and there wouldn't be 3 to a bed! That's a whole other issue to work out...

I'm sorry, but I think I would call wolf on this one... not only a 7 month to Bourbon Street for a weekend, but a 4 hour flight to boot. Not happening. Has it crossed your mind that she may just be doing this to get under your skin? They aren't driving are they?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Hmm, imho, she should leave the baby at home, it will just be a pain in the butt (no offense to said baby)

also, i''ve had to share a bed with a stranger (or rather other girls i didnt know very well) before in a hotel because of situations like this and it really isn''t a problem. After a night out on the town, do you really think anyone is going to care where they end up sleeping? Likely not lol

 

[lovesparklies]

I should mention that my bmaids aren''t total strangers (except that my sister doesn''t know any of them). We all went to college together and most of us are even sorority sisters but we''re not one big group of friends. I still agree that we''re too old to be sleeping like peas in a pod, though. I might have to poll people and see if they''d rather pay more for more rooms, or sleep in a double bed together.

My sister isn''t a spiteful person. I think she just really wants to be involved and it seems normal to her that her baby would just go along. She wouldn''t drive but it''s more than even just a 4 hour flight - she''ll have to take an hour flight first and THEN take the 4 hour flight!

 

[vintagelover229]

I know that you can''t extract enough breast milk for one day, etc. But (not a mom yet so don''t kill me!) can''t you pump out enough milk extra for a few days prior to the trip to make due for the time the mother would be gone? Like pump a little extra out every day for a week and keep it refridgerated or something? Even I think it sounds kinda silly, but it won''t go bad will it? And it should be enough to hold the baby over for a couple of days if you extract enough extra over a weeks time right?

Dont'' throw stones at the me if I''m crazy off base here! Sorry!

 

[musey]

Date: 1/6/2009 7:15:16 PM
Author: meresal
not only a 7 month to Bourbon Street for a weekend, but a 4 hour flight to boot.

How is the 4 hour flight the kicker here? Our friends traveled from LA to Miami with a 5-month-old last Thanksgiving.

She shouldn't be expected to leave her baby for a day (or more) - that is her choice as a parent. However, the rest of the people there shouldn't be expected to change any plans around to accommodate a baby. It's her job to be understanding if it's "not okay" with people for there to be a very young baby present.

Has it crossed your mind that she may just be doing this to get under your skin? They aren't driving are they?

I don't see the conspiracy theory that meresal does

it seems most likely that she came down to the choice of (a) staying home with the baby, or (b) going to the bachelorette with the baby. If it were me in that position, I would have asked you (and whatever other planner(s) are involved) if it'd be okay to bring baby along, rather than announce that that is what's happening... but it's entirely possible that it being a problem doesn't even occur to her. Who doesn't love babies, right?

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think I''d be super annoyed if I was one of the other gals at this event. IMO, while I understand your sister''s desire to come, it seems like a wildly inappropriate (and potentially unsafe) place to bring a baby. I''d try to find the nicest, most polite, but still firm way to communicate that to your sister that you can.

 

[missjaxon]

Just a suggestion here, but would it be possible for the babies Daddy or some other responsible person to come along with her and tend to the baby while you are all having fun and her still be able to nurse and be with the baby when you all are not taking part in the bachelorette party activities? I have done this for my Aunt & Uncle a few times when they needed to travel for certain activities, and it worked out really well. It is better then the all or none option, provided it can work out.

 

[swimmer]

Does she have an idea about the schedule for the weekend? Strolling around the French Quarter, going out to a fancy dinner, dancing, hitting a pub? Some women and some babies could do that no probs, but others keep schedules, enjoy sleep, and/or are not into a smoky bar. I''m mostly sure that there is still smoking in bars in NO. Has she considered this and other logistical practicalities...hard to know. Surely she will realize that she has to make some decisions here. Babies are great for many things, batch parties not so much. Good luck with this, and the room sharing bit.

 

[jstarfireb]

Oh no she didn''t! How in the world does your sister think that a bachelorette party is an appropriate place for a baby?!? I would be furious. Heck, I''m having a strict no child policy at my wedding, let alone the bachelorette party. Please talk to your mom...this is a party in YOUR honor, so if you don''t think a child should be there, you have every right to speak up.

 

[lovesparklies]

Musey, I think you''re right that it didn''t occur to her that maybe she shouldn''t bring the baby. I just don''t think she has totally thought this through and that''s where my mom could help talk some sense into her. I don''t want to be the one to tell her it''s weird and not safe because I don''t want her to think I don''t want her there (see comment about her being PO''ed that she was passed over as bachelorette-planner). Plus the "mommy" issues (breastfeeding, etc.) are probably best discussed among mothers and not with someone who doesn''t know much about that stuff.

missjaxon, that''s an interesting thought about bringing Dad along. I might have to suggest that.

 

[somethingshiny]

In my opinion, your sis is definitely not causing danger to herself or her child, so opinions on her child-rearing skills are not only unwelcome but offensive. If it will ruin your good time, TELL HER. But, don''t in any way make it sound like you are telling her how to raise her child.

Sounds to me like she''s making the best compromise she can to be with you to celebrate your wedding and be a mom.


Would your mom be willing to come and babysit during the actual party and then she could join in for some of the festivities too.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/6/2009 8:27:58 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/6/2009 7:15:16 PM
Author: meresal
not only a 7 month to Bourbon Street for a weekend, but a 4 hour flight to boot.

How is the 4 hour flight the kicker here? Our friends traveled from LA to Miami with a 5-month-old last Thanksgiving.

She shouldn't be expected to leave her baby for a day (or more) - that is her choice as a parent. However, the rest of the people there shouldn't be expected to change any plans around to accommodate a baby. It's her job to be understanding if it's 'not okay' with people for there to be a very young baby present.

Has it crossed your mind that she may just be doing this to get under your skin? They aren't driving are they?

I don't see the conspiracy theory that meresal does

it seems most likely that she came down to the choice of (a) staying home with the baby, or (b) going to the bachelorette with the baby. If it were me in that position, I would have asked you (and whatever other planner(s) are involved) if it'd be okay to bring baby along, rather than announce that that is what's happening... but it's entirely possible that it being a problem doesn't even occur to her. Who doesn't love babies, right?

Sorry, I think I didn't explain myself well. The "conspiracy theory" was more of a theory in retrospect to the fact that said sister was upset about not getting to plan the weekend. I have a semi-vindictive sister that used her baby to control my plans. I meant no ill-will towards your sister.

As far as the 4 hour flight being the kicker. This is how I saw it... not for the length of the flight, but the fact that it's for a bachelorette party, for one weekend. I hardly see a Thanksgiving celebration, where lots of family are wanting to see the newborn, being the same situation as this party weekend, where none of the other women are bringing their kids. (I don't mean to minimize your bachelorette party, I promise I'm not) It just seemed like a lot of hassle to go to a Bachelorette party. I do understand that people have different parenting skills, but I also believe that some people's parenting skills (ie my sister), can affect other people negatively. My sister had tunnel vision when her baby was small, so I guess I kind of look at things a little differently.

Truly, I didn't mean to offend anyone.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 1/6/2009 7:40:24 PM
Author: redrose229
I know that you can''t extract enough breast milk for one day, etc. But (not a mom yet so don''t kill me!) can''t you pump out enough milk extra for a few days prior to the trip to make due for the time the mother would be gone? Like pump a little extra out every day for a week and keep it refridgerated or something? Even I think it sounds kinda silly, but it won''t go bad will it? And it should be enough to hold the baby over for a couple of days if you extract enough extra over a weeks time right?


Dont'' throw stones at the me if I''m crazy off base here! Sorry!

You can pump enough breastmilk, but if you stop nursing for a few days, your milk production weens off and can start to dry up. To me it sounds like she wants to be there for you and for her baby. I had a really hard time leaving my daughter as a baby. She was really fussy and only wanted me. I would have felt really guilty leaving her at 7 months (not saying this is right or wrong) I would talk to your friend. I am sure she will understand since she has other kids, but since this is your sister''s first baby, it''s just different. The mama bear in her is raging LOL. You get more relaxed with each kid. I think it is nice that she wants to be there for you. I would just go with the flow. Just my .02

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

If she wants to come hang out during the day in the quarter, maybe come for the lunch part of things or walk around and shop, then I personally would be very honored that she would go to all that trouble to avoid missing out on my bachelorette party. It would be one thing if it was the bars of Bourbon Street after dark - totally inappropriate place for a baby. However, I think the French Quarter is (or at least used to be before the hurricane) a very nice, baby friendly place. I think the fact that it is an entire weekend with daytime and nighttime activities means that it is more than the standard one night of debauchery b-party, leaving plenty of opportunities for your sister and niece to join you.

I''m thinking about having my bachelorette party as a weekend in the Texas wine country. My very good friend has a new nursing baby, and if the only way she could come to the weekend was to bring her baby, AND she wanted to come, then I''d be really appreciative and love to have her there. However, I have complete confidence that she would not try to come out with the baby to the nighttime activities. I also consider a close enough friend though, that I''d keep my party local if it meant the difference between her coming and not coming.


I thought the idea of having her husband come and watch the baby (they stay in their own hotel room) was a great idea. But it really depends on how you and your girlfriends do New ORleans. My friends and I don''t get crazy until the nighttime when we go, so it would work for us. But only you can say what would work for you and your friends.

 

[BigDiamonds]

In 100% honesty and admittedly as someone who doesn''t really enjoy children, I would feel very put out if I flew cross country to go to a bachelorette party and there was a baby there. Especially if other attendees had gone to the trouble of making other arrangements for their kids. It''s a bachelorette, not a girl''s shopping weekend or something. That''s just me, and probably if the other women have/want kids they may feel differently.

I think if she really wants to come, she should make arrangements for the baby while she is there. The ideal situation is to bring Dad, but if that''s not possible maybe your local friend could recommend a good nanny. Then she could particpate in the activities she wanted, bring the kid, and not infringe on everyone else''s good time.

Again, I''m sure I have a particularly jaded view because I''m not a kid person AT ALL.

 

[havernell]

So far, you've only heard second hand from your Mom that your sister is bringing her baby to your party. It sounds like you haven't talked *directly* to your sister at all about this yet. So, before you get all worked up about the situation, I would talk to your sister and simply ask her nicely how she plans to handle the trip. I would guess that your sister has already thought about the logistics and has come up with a good plan, for example- decided to come to your party and do all the day-time activities she can with everyone else but then stay in at night with the baby rather than going out to the bars with you all. I mean, most sane new mothers wouldn't take a newborn out clubbing. If that's the case, then I don't see how that's a problem. She gets to be there and share in your special occasion but can still be the mom she wants to be (including keeping up breastfeeding, etc).

I'd give your sister the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's thought out her plans. So, until you talk to her, don't convince yourself that shes going to inconvenience all of your other friends. Now, if you talk to her and she says she's bringing the baby to the bars, then I'd start to worry.

Overall, I'd be flattered if someone wanted to join my bachelorette party so badly that they went through the hassle to bring their baby (rather than just saying "I can't come"). She's putting out a lot of effort to be there with you. Please at least give her the respect to talk to her about how things will be handled before you jump to conclusions.

Have fun in New Orleans!!

 

[lovesparklies]

I''m responding on my iPhone so I won''t write too much now but I wanted to pop back in for a minute. I appreciate everyone''s advice and reality-checks. I''m sorry if anyone thought I or other posters were questioning her parenting skills. She''s actually an ideal mother and would never take her children out to the bars or anything like that. I would just feel really guilty leaving her out of activities in NO, and would feel guilty if she didn''t go at all, for that matter. I know I need to talk to my sister directly but the OP was just after I heard the news and I needed to vent. And now I want my mom to feel out the situation first so I know what to expect and don''t come off as judgemental when I do talk to her.
I am really touched that she wants to be at my bachelorette so much that she would go to the trouble of bringing her little baby. She didn''t leave her first child until he was 3 and has never flown with either of her kids along, so this is significant. I spoke to another bmaid about it tonight and she said we can work around it and still have a good time so that made me feel better.
Ok, this got longer than I meant it to! More tomorrow...

 

[jstarfireb]

Date: 1/6/2009 11:27:13 PM
Author: BigDiamonds
In 100% honesty and admittedly as someone who doesn''t really enjoy children...

...

Again, I''m sure I have a particularly jaded view because I''m not a kid person AT ALL.

I was about to say something to this effect, but I was worried about getting flamed for not loving kids. Now I can speak the truth since someone else did! Thanks, BigDiamonds.

Perhaps that''s where my fury over this situation comes from, but still, even if you are a kid person unlike myself, I think having a kid at any bachelorette party is just plain inappropriate.

 

[niccia]

I agree with SomethingShiny...having a baby at the bach party wouldn''t bother me at all, esp. as it is your sister''s child. Bringing her mum or the dad along to help is a good idea, and if that isn''t feasible, then I am sure she will understand that there are a few activities she won''t be able to take part in obviously. I am a little biased because I love kids, and especially babies that age, but even if I didn''t, I don''t think it would really bother me.

 

[Gypsy]

Okay. So there's bridal drama and anxiety (which I have been majorly guilty of)... and then there's common sense in wedding planning (unfortunately, I can't say I used much of this

). What you are employing is common sense, my dear. Your sister should not be bringing your neice. She really shouldn't be. But ... wow, what an uncomfortable situation. I don't suppose your MOM could tell your sister that it's inappropriate and leave you OUT of it? Okay just saw that she will try to feel her out, okay.

As to breast feeding... I'm sure there is a way around this for one night at least. Not a mommy here either, though.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 1/7/2009 12:04:09 AM
Author: lovesparklies
I am really touched that she wants to be at my bachelorette so much that she would go to the trouble of bringing her little baby. She didn't leave her first child until he was 3 and has never flown with either of her kids along, so this is significant. I spoke to another bmaid about it tonight and she said we can work around it and still have a good time so that made me feel better.
Ok, this got longer than I meant it to! More tomorrow...

That's kinda my reaction. I trust your sister would have the good sense to participate with the rest of the group, daughter and all, when it works out well for her daughter and the group's comfort, and to retreat to the hotel room or do mommy and baby things when it doesn't. And that she wouldn't expect you to tailor the group's schedule around her daughter. If that's the case, i don't see a huge problem, especially if your're only somewhat party animals

. If your sister's not likely to be that flexible, well, that's a whole different matter. If I were in your shoes, that's what I'd sound her out on. Is she aware that many of the planned activities will be in venues that are too loud and frenetic for the baby's comfort, and is she OK with the idea of missing some of the festivities?

 

[lala2332]

ok, this sounds harsh but it sounds very selfish of your sister to bring her baby. There will be plenty of other wedding festivies that she will me able to partipate in, this isjust not the one for her. Of course you can make it work, but unless you have some huge need for yoursister to be there why? Like someone posted above, as one of the other peole flying in for this I would be unhappy that the weekend had to be worked out for a baby. My suggestion would be for you and your sister to have a spa day or something that you can both enjoy together as sisters and as your own small celebration of all the wonderful things in both yourlives.