Unresponsive BM?

[maple2012]

Hi ladies! I need your advice on a matter.

Thus far I have asked my BFF to be my maid of honor and my cousin to be a bridesmaid. I was planning on asking another really great friend from college to be a BM (let's call her Jess) and then also my sister in law.

I facebooked messaged Jess and told her that I had a very special request to ask her regarding my wedding and give her deets... and to let me know when it was convenient for me to call her. She immediately replied within an hour stating that she was excited to chat and her answer was YES. So I called her a few days later on the designated day she asked me to call her (unfortunately I was a few hours late after getting the time mixed).

She didn't answer of course since I called at the wrong time. I then sent her a text message to apologize on the mixed up times and asking her when I could chat with her next. She didn't text me back so I facebook messaged her a few days later but she didn't reply to that either. I then called her again and left a voicemail and I haven't heard back.

It's been nearly two weeks and I can't seem to get a hold of her - she's literally gone MIA.

Now I LOVE her to death but this is also a friend who initially my concern was that she would go MIA... she's just always been that type of friend whom you love but their schedules always change. I was hoping this would have changed since we were in college together though.

What do you ladies think? Should I keep trying her? Should I mail her a card asking her officially to be my BM since she's unresponsive to calls and textes? Should I just keep calling her phone and become annoying... until I get through? Or do you think maybe this is a sign that it's best I dont ask her for fear that she'll end up being as unresponsive during the bridesmaid fittings, ordering her dress, etc.?

Maybe I'm just overreacting on her going MIA for two weeks?

 

[TooPatient]

I'd wait to see if she replies. You've left messages everywhere so she's bound to get one.

I wouldn't tell her to never mind if she returns a message, but I wouldn't go out of my way to track her down for an answer either. If she does reply, I'd be careful to watch and make sure your plans aren't put in jeopardy if she flakes out.

If she is non-responsive now, will she be better when it comes to planning? Will she pick a dress or show up for shopping? Will she order her dress or go in for a fitting? Will she actually show the day of your wedding?


Disclaimer --
I may still be a bit frustrated with all the people who didn't communicate through our planning process. Rabbi no-showed 4/6 times and was not much better via phone or e-mail. His secretary refused to answer my questions. Guests never bothered to RSVP. The baker has no functioning website and didn't return calls for the last month (she turned up at the last minute -- today about 18 hours before she was supposed to deliver).
I'm sick of people not responding and leaving me to sort out the mess!

 

[missy]

Hi maple, if she is unresponsive now I would be concerned about relying on her at all regarding the wedding planning and day itself. I agree with TP. Do not contact her again and wait till she replies to your numerous messages. If she replies discuss your concerns with her and see if you feel she will be reliable as a BM. Trust your gut. If she doesn't respond to all your attempts to get in touch with her then problem solved and it's a no brainer IMO. No need to ask her to be a BM if she cannot even find the time to get back to you!

Sorry you are dealing with this and good luck for the situation to work out the way you want it to...it's your wedding and you really want the least amount of stress possible. No need to add drama to your day! Unless it's good drama.

 

[audball]

Tough one. I'd definitely stop trying to contact her. You've left plenty of messages through various forms of communication. Wait until she gets back to you. I think missy is spot on -- be honest. Tell her you love her and really want you there, but ask her if she'll be able to be there, etc. Let her be the one to answer that. I hope you're able to get it figure out! It seems by her preemptive YES that she's *excited* to be a bridesmaid which I take to be a good sign. I always dread being asked because, despite loving my friends dearly, I despise the role. Then again, I've done it 5 times and have no interest in ever doing it again....

 

[PhillyMcGee]

I had a similar situation!
One of my friends I wanted to ask to be a BM, over a weekend I called both her personal and work mobiles (her work mobile she has to have on he constantly because of security systems, so no excuses to not answer that!) several times each, sent a few text messages, got no response. I was calling to try to arrange to catch up so I could ask her in person. A few days later I sent another text message asking if there was a reason she wasn't returning any of my calls or messages, still no response! The following weekend I saw her at a function and asked what was going on and got a very dismissive 'I've been busy'....so after thinking about it for a while I decided not to ask her anymore. She moved house and I had to message her three times to get her new address to send the invitation to my engagement party, to which she hasn't bothered to RSVP! Not sure what her problem is but since I was quite upset and annoyed by all of this I have distinctively stopped making an effort, and the only time I have really spoken to her since was at a hen's party we both attended. Weird. Not too fussed though as I have my two sisters and another wonderful friend as BM's, all of who actually care!

 

[maple2012]

I had a similar situation!
One of my friends I wanted to ask to be a BM, over a weekend I called both her personal and work mobiles (her work mobile she has to have on he constantly because of security systems, so no excuses to not answer that!) several times each, sent a few text messages, got no response. I was calling to try to arrange to catch up so I could ask her in person. A few days later I sent another text message asking if there was a reason she wasn't returning any of my calls or messages, still no response! The following weekend I saw her at a function and asked what was going on and got a very dismissive 'I've been busy'....so after thinking about it for a while I decided not to ask her anymore. She moved house and I had to message her three times to get her new address to send the invitation to my engagement party, to which she hasn't bothered to RSVP! Not sure what her problem is but since I was quite upset and annoyed by all of this I have distinctively stopped making an effort, and the only time I have really spoken to her since was at a hen's party we both attended. Weird. Not too fussed though as I have my two sisters and another wonderful friend as BM's, all of who actually care!

So sorry you had to go through that Philly! Sounds similar to my unresponsive prospective BM!!!

I was going to give her one more call or facebook message her just stating "call me by X date or you're out" but I haven't bothered. I am actually very hurt now and might not even invite her to the wedding at all. This day is about me and my SO and I am afraid somehow I will end up being upset on my day cause she's late or she forgets to get her dress in time or something - I refuse to have that type of stress on my wedding date. Many things can go wrong on a wedding day... a forgetful and uninterested BM shouldn't be one of them.