Trying to work out non-weird timings for surprise wedding...

[MJ0911]

Cross-posting this as I'm not sure if I'm a lady-in-waiting or bride-to-be. Probably a bit of both. Either way, the more opinions I can solicit the better!

Basically my boyfriend and I have decided to get hitched after 7 years together. Neither of us are in any massive rush, just in the next few years. We've even decided on an engagement ring and were thinking this summer would be the time to make it all official.

BUT, we've decided to have a surprise wedding - invite everyone to our engagement party then spring the ceremony on them. This is for various reasons I won't go into, but we're totally sold on the idea. The problem is that we'd really like to get married in September/October as it marks our dating anniversary, is a great time for overseas guests to visit Europe (where we live) and generally we just love fall, buy this year is just too soon for a whole load of reasons.

So, Sept/Oct 2015 looks like the date. But now we're running into trouble as I think it would be a bit odd to get engaged this summer, then wait a whole year for the "engagement party". But at the same time I'm so ready to be officially engaged! Is there any way around this? Like maybe pretending we'll have a really long (like 2-3 year) engagement, and say we'll hold the party mid-way between proposal and wedding? I don't know - I'm not sure how to proceed! I've seen a few places that people recommend an engagement party at least 6 months before the wedding and that's the only 'rule'. But getting engaged then waiting a whole year seems weird to me - everyone I know did it around 2-3 months after the proposal...

Any thoughts or opinions would be hugely helpful. Do you guys think I will just have to accept that this surprise wedding plan means I won't be getting officially engaged until Spring 2015?

 

[Rhea]

Re: Trying to work out non-weird timings for surprise weddin

I'm not going to lie, it's a weird timing. Any celebratory thing related to the engagement seems to be fairly soon after it's announced and waiting a year and a half, I'd assume it was the wedding or that you were just bored and decided to throw another party in there.

Another thing to think about is travel plans. I live in Europe, my family and friends do not. When my friends announce engagements and plan parties I don't fly home to see them, I wait to spend that time and money on the wedding. If you were my friend and got engaged, then had an engagement party (wedding) over a year later while telling me you hadn't set a wedding date I wouldn't be coming unless I'd already had plans to visit that year and still knew I'd be able to go for your wedding as well. In my mind, I'd skip the official engagement party (wedding) and the expenses incurred there so I'd be able to attend the wedding when you finally got around to setting the date. And to be honest, if I were a close friend or family member and found out that you lied about the engagement party and it was actually your wedding and I missed it because it was supposed to be a surprise, I'd be pissed. I can see how you might be able to pull this off if your family is local and also in Europe, but not if they're overseas.

I don't know about your friends and family, but mine visit Europe about once every two years and when they do it's an effort. Most of my milestones my family is unable to afford to fly for or is unable to take time off of work so they only get the big ones and those are planned to a T.

 

[MJ0911]

Re: Trying to work out non-weird timings for surprise weddin

Hi Rhea, thanks so much for your response.

I totally understand the concerns with the traveling. I'm European, my family (all but one) and friends (all but two) are based in the same country, maximum 4 hours away. So for them it's not a worry. My fiancee's family are based further away, and come to visit us like your family once every 2 years (we alternate, going to them once a year as well). Which brings us to the late summer/autumn 2015 engagement/wedding date - that is when they are next due to visit. Happily (or unhappily depending on how you look at it!) my fiance's friends abroad are nearly all corporate lawyers so, even though they don't have the bi-annual plan to visit us, it wouldn't be a massive financial hardship for them to come for a party the way it would be for our family members. He is insistent that most of them want to visit Europe and will jump at the chance even if it's "only" an engagement party. In this I have to kind of trust him - certainly a lot have visited us for a random weekend at the last minute just because they suddenly felt like it, so I guess there's some basis for his confidence. We have decided as a very last resort we will tell someone our plans (in strictest confidence!) if it looks like otherwise they won't be coming and we really do want them there. I'd definitely rather have a handful of guests "in the know" before the big reveal than risk having certain people not attend.

Which brings us back to the timing question. I'm with you in that my gut thinks a long delay is very odd - at the moment we're looking at 2 possible options.

a) get engaged, then have the engagement party (wedding) 11-12 months later (no longer than that) - this could possibly be explained by saying we're having a very long engagement (2+ years - fake 2016 wedding date etc) so we thought we'd hold a party to mark the midway point, his family are only planning to be over that summer and we'd rather delay any party until they can attend, etc etc. We'd need some pretty good reasons though as I agree it's weird and tbh I'm not sure we could ever really sell it, the fake reasons I've thought of so far all seem so lame.

b) Suck it up and accept that if we want a surprise wedding we will have to wait to get engaged until spring 2015 and give ourselves 6 months between engagement and the party.

"B" is in every way is the logical answer to my quandary, I'm just impatient to be officially engaged and I'm getting fed up of everyone I know who has been with their partner about 5 mins (it seems to me at least) getting engaged and married before us old-timers!! Plus I'm just sooooo in love with the ring I chose I want it on my hand right now!!

 

[Rhea]

Re: Trying to work out non-weird timings for surprise weddin

I assumed that when you said that your relations were overseas that they were further away than 4 hours drive. The timing is a bit odd if the engagement party is 11-12 months after the engagement, but for me the potential overseas travel was a bigger deal if you wanted people to be there to celebrate with you. Sounds like you've got that sorted though!

11-12 months out isn't terrible, just odd. Just tell them that you knew they were planning to visit in Autumn 2015 and wanted them there for your engagement party...that's actually a wedding. It means you get your timing and the delay is explained away.

I must admit, I'm probably not the best person to answer. Engagement parties aren't the norm in my circle and when they're held they're in either pubs or people's own homes and are drop in rather than set hours. Not fitting that format would cause me to question

 

[MJ0911]

Re: Trying to work out non-weird timings for surprise weddin

Yeah happily my family only has one member who is about 15 hours flight away, unluckily his are all abroad but happily planning to visit.

The engagement party formality will be a bit odd in terms of what my friends have done - a lot hired a private room in a pub, others skipped it all together - so it will need some explanation for them.

BUT I think we can get around that by telling european friend and family that my parents want a big more formal bash - my sisters both had pretty intense engagement parties and weddings and everything vaguely bridal related tbh, and my parents are notorious for jumping at any chance to throw a lavish party. Plus I know my mum won't mind a jot about being "blamed" in that way.

And then for the americans we can just pretend that's the European way

Our plan was to do it at one of London's private members/"gentlemen's" clubs - most have a smart/casual dress code and are beautiful inside, but also have a laid-back vibe that is great for university balls, 30th birthdays etc. Our hope is that choosing such a venue (rather than a town hall or hotel or other venue more commonly associated with a wedding than party) will make people more unsuspecting. Fingers crossed. I guess we will have to get devious to throw people off the scent any way we can.

I guess the ring will happen (because of various timings) in either October 2014 or late-Feb/early March 2015 - at some point we'll just have to bite the bullet and try to decide just how weird we want to look. glad you think wanting his parents to attend the engagement party sounds like a plausible reason for the delay though - when I rehearse these things in my head it sounds so transparent! Thanks so much for being a sounding board!

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Trying to work out non-weird timings for surprise weddin

Any reason why you would not want to tell people you are getting married? From my circle of friends not many would travel overseas for an engagement party, but may for a wedding. And I would be ticked if a friend did that, I passed on the engagement party (thinking I would just attend the wedding) and then found out later they had gotten married.
What are you going to do, if people you want to come, aren't coming because it is only an engagement party? Either way, have the choice of having some people miss it because they did not have full information, or telling some people and having other people be in the dark, which I'm not sure I like either.

 

[MJ0911]

Re: Trying to work out non-weird timings for surprise weddin

As I said above in more detail, we have contingency plans for if the small handful of people living abroad aren't planning to come on the basis that it's "just" and engagement party.

There's a whole host of reasons why the surprise appeals to us, but nothing shady - our families get on great and are desperate for us to get married, so there's no real *need* for secrecy. But after thinking through and examining pretty much every available option, this is what ticks all the boxes for us in terms of what we want for the day.

Really, it's just the timings that are worrying us!