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~*Alexis*~

~*Alexis*~

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
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1,751
Ok so I guess it is about time for me to come clean about somethings. About 2 weeks ago, my bf and I decided that we needed a break. So I moved out of his house and I went to stay at my parents house. Things have been ok and he has just been doing his thing and I have been doing mine. Talking every few days.

Ok so here is the new problem. Last night I went and bought some home pregnancy tests because I am 5 days late. I am on the pill (modicon) and last night there are a second faint line. So I though nothing of it because I had taken them before and it did the same thing and I got my period a few days later. I called one of my friends and she told me to take it when I woke up in the morning. THe first pee of the day...ok so I did. I brushed my teeth and put my hair up and got ready then I turned over the test.......2 lines. Both very dark. So I am pregnant. Wow even when I write it, its still not seeming like it is true. So this morning I sent him a text message to call me on my office line when he got up. He sent a text back that said y. I just said just call me. He did call me. Here is basically the conversation...
"*******, this is alexis?
Him: Hi, whats up?
ME: We need to get together so we can talk.
HIM: ABout what? Your not pregnant are you?
ME: (silence)
HIM: well?
ME: I took two tests and they are in my desk right now.
HIM: Well you are just gunna have to get an abortion.
ME: Hung up in him.

He is now texting me and I just dont want to talk to him at this point. He can sit their and think about it. All day.

Any advice? Anyone been in a similar situation? What should I do? I am kinda in a daze and pissed at the same time. I really don''t believe in abortion. So I will be having a baby there is no doubt about that. Its just what do I do about him?

the situations I put myself in....
 
Wow... I can''t imagine how shocked and scared and angry you must be right now! I''m sorry...
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*hugs*

He sure put you in a difficult situation by asking you while you were on the phone, I''m sure you would have preferred to have this conversation face to face! His response was rather abrupt; he may have just panicked or he may not want children, now or ever.

I don''t want to offend you, but had this been discussed before? Had children been discussed at all? What to do in case of an unplanned pregnancy? Had something been agreed on?

Whether it had been discussed or not before, obviously now it will have to be... And if you don''t want to have an abortion, he can''t force you to have one. In the case that he would refuse to support you, would you be able to support yourself and the child?

This certainly is a difficult and delicate issue... Try to stay calm, and hang on. *hugs*
 
Oh my gosh, you poor thing. What a horrible response from your boyfriend. He might have just been in shock. You 2 should talk in person. He might say things differently after he has time to digest the information a bit.

If he continues to tell you to get an abortion, then I guess you know more about his character and can use that when deciding what to do about the relationship. By the way, he can''t "refuse" to pay child support if you decide to keep the baby even though he doesn''t want it. Get a paternity test to guarantee he is locked into it.

Hugs to you.
 
Date: 10/26/2006 9:19:53 AM
Author: IslandDreams
If he continues to tell you to get an abortion, then I guess you know more about his character and can use that when deciding what to do about the relationship. By the way, he can''t ''refuse'' to pay child support if you decide to keep the baby even though he doesn''t want it. Get a paternity test to guarantee he is locked into it.
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I didn''t know that, so thanks IslandDreams.
 
Hi Alexis!

First of all, I am sorry about the circumstances. Your BF acted very insensitively at a crucial time.
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It has got to be tough when you are trying to figure out your relationship AND deal with something like a pregnancy at the same time. Yes, I have been in your situation, and let me tell you it is not pretty. Unlike me, I hope that you reach out to others including your family during this time. I tend to internalize things and try to solve problems on my own. And in my case doing so made me feel very isolated and depressed. My then BF and I did not agree how to proceed if in fact I was pregnant and that made me even more upset. But honestly it brought some clarity to my relationship with my then BF. I realized that I did not want him to be the father of any children I had and we broke up soon after.

I might also add that you might want to go to your doctor just to confirm the results of the home pregnancy test. I have had false positives myself from home pregnancy tests, only to find out later that I was not pregnant. You know your man better than I, but I do think it may be beneficial to have a sit down after a cooling off period. Maybe you could just tell him that you suspect that you might be pregnant, that you will find out for sure, but in the meantime you need some quiet time. Maybe after you get the results from your doctor and have had a chance to just sit and work through things you can try to have a civil conversation with him.

Hope this helps! And please if you need to vent....by all means feel free.
 
Alexis, I''m so sorry about this - what a tough position to be in. I agree with ID that he may have been in shock. One of my best friends went through something very similar with her BF - they were long-distance, she called him and said she might be pregnant, and his immediate response was "It''s not mine."!!! She was incredibly upset, but they managed to talk later and he was much more understanding and supportive once he''d had a little time to let it sink in. That doesn''t excuse his behavior (or your BF''s), but it might help put it in perspective. And if your BF can''t be more emotionally supportive, that''s a good thing to know when you''re sorting out the future of your relationship.

Good luck.
 
Alexis,

I am so sorry you are going through this; I am sure you are scared and confused and hurt. You should call a doctor immediately and go get a blood test as they are much more accurate than the home tests.

DId the two of you have a "what would we do" discussion about this prior to having sex? Does he know you are anti-abortion? And has he known this all along?

I can understand the dazed and angry state you are in, and I am in no way excusing the way he phrased his thoughts, but this affects his life too, perhaps not to the degree that it affects yours, but it is life changing for both of you. That being said, his reaction of not wanting a child is as valid as your wanting to keep a baby. It''s unfortunate that neither of you had the opportunity to discuss the "why" part of how you feel. If you confirm that you are pregnant having a good heart to heart should be the next thing on your to do list. And if you aren''t and intend to remain with him that conversation is still in order.

Big hugs to you. I hope you are able to have a calm discussion with him and find an amicable solution.
 
yikes! what a bombshell...for everyone! i started reading the thread....and then my eyes went
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.

definitely get over to a doctor and have them do a real test, though those tests are supposed to be pretty accurate, and esp if you ran two and they were both positive. but just get checked out for sure.

i can''t believe your bf responded like that. i second the others who said have you guys talked about this before? the possibility or similar? i can understand you guys are in a weird situation right now with the break...but weren''t you considering getting married? if so why would he respond like that? that seems like such a teenager type of response.

anyway i don''t have much to offer...but hang in there...i know you are telling US this but do you have real women in your life you can also talk to and turn to for advice? do you feel okay telling your Mother or similar? someone who can really help you out during this time because i think you probably also need some real physical comfort and support right now, not just virtual advice.

good luck!!
 
What an overwhelming situation for you! I agree that you should get to a doctor right away, just to make sure. I think you really need to tell someone close to you who will be more supportive than your BF is currently being. Maybe your mom or a close friend? That way you wouldn''t have to go to the doctor''s office alone, and you would have someone to talk to about it face to face. I hope everything turns out ok. And please remember that if you don''t want an abortion but feel you can''t keep the baby, there is always adoption. I''m adopted, so it''s always heartbreaking when I hear about a mother who didn''t know what to do and aborted the baby because there are so many loving families that cannot have children.

Marisa

PS. I know adoption/abortion are touchy issues... so anything I said was definitely not meant to offend!
 
I know what you''re going through. I found myself in a similar situation 30 years ago. I was only 17 at the time. Abortion wasn''t an option....it goes against everything I believe in. But bf (turned into ex-husband) wanted to get married. That was also something I wasn''t ready for. I knew that there was no way I could support a baby by myself, and it wasn''t my parents responsibility to help me raise the baby. I wanted my baby to have the best life he could possibly have....with 2 loving parents who could give him what I couldn''t. So I decided to put him up for adoption. With the help of my parents, I checked out some Christian Children''s homes. I decided on the one I would go through. At that time, my stipulations were that I got to meet the adoptive parents, I wanted updates of the baby, and I wanted to meet him when he grew up and wanted to know his birth mother. It was important for me to know that I loved him and why I gave him up. The home agreed. But, I lost the baby. I was crushed, even though I knew I wouldn''t keep him. There are so many loving couples that want kids that can''t have them. My daughter and SIL are in that group. I''ll keep you in my prayers. Make the best decision for yourself.....and your baby.
 
Alexis,
I''m sorry your BF reacted that way. As other''s have mentioned he must have been in shock. I''d like to hope that he will come around and be supportive of you during this difficult time. I''d definitely get to a doctor, and have the pregnancy confirmed. And tell your mom, or a best girlfriend so you have support in the days and weeks ahead. You have many options ,( I don''t like abortion either,) but you can always consider adoption. HUGS!!!
 
whether or not he was caught unawares , he is entitled to not want the baby and suggest an abortion. you are entitled to want to keep the baby. a reasonable discussion would have been nice. personally i wouldn''t want him in my life other than to pay child support. i''d never trust him again.

btw, having an ex-boyfriend is better than getting married just for show and and then getting a divorce because the marriage was really never meant to be.

movie zombie
 
Date: 10/26/2006 1:06:33 PM
Author: movie zombie
whether or not he was caught unawares , he is entitled to not want the baby and suggest an abortion. you are entitled to want to keep the baby. a reasonable discussion would have been nice. personally i wouldn''t want him in my life other than to pay child support. i''d never trust him again.


btw, having an ex-boyfriend is better than getting married just for show and and then getting a divorce because the marriage was really never meant to be.


movie zombie
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MZ.. I love you girl... sometimes, you say the exact things I am thinking... and I think,.... uh huh... we are not supposed to agree,,,LOL


But...Alexis...

I am so so so so sorry about the stress that you must be going through right now. I was shocked with your first post and I think I had about the same reaction as Mara when I got to his last line... Ouch....

Stay Clam and confirm your pregnancy first. Then you can try to think about the best way to go about this.

Lots of hugs to you Alexis....
 
Wow - that certainly is a shocker for all of you I can imagine. Definitely get the results confirmed by a doctor''s visit, first thing. Give him (and yourself) time to come to terms with everything before even remotely coming to a decision. I''m sure he spoke out of complete shock. I would hope he is realizing that it was an insensitive thing to say and an insensitive time to say it. Sure he is entitled to feel that way, but he really should have kept his mouth shut till he had time to process the info. It shouldn''t have been the first thing out of his mouth.

*hugs*
 
I don''t post on the boards much but just wanted to offer you my support during this tough time.

I second, third and fourth the suggestions to make a doctors appointment and get the blood test done. Plenty of women will tell you they have had experiences with positive pregnancy tests that turned out to be negative in the end.

While I obviously don''t know this guy personally, I''m thinking this was a knee-jerk statement (jerk being the key word there!). He was probably defensive from the time you sent the first text to him about needing to talk, considering the circumstances in your relationship right now. You know men have less brain cells than us and need more time to process things! And you know what, when I found out I was pregnant for the first time (with twins!) I cried for about 3 weeks. I felt horrible at the time but everyone reacts to situations differently. Now I wouldn''t trade those kids for the world but I can look back on it and say that my first thought was, "what in the WORLD am I getting myself into!". Did I admit it to anyone at the time...no. On the outside I was overjoyed, but inside, I was scared, unprepared, just wanted to run sometimes. But when rational thought took over, I realized I could do this. And you know, if he continues to be a jerk, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Yes, of course the storybook ending would be that you would work out your differences, get back together and live happily ever after, and I''m hoping that things go that way...if you want them to. But it sounds like you know what you will and won''t do on the abortion issue, you''re a strong woman and you can make it work, for you and the baby if that''s what you choose
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!
 
yes I totally agree with all of you. Tomorrow morning I am going in for a blood test. That should clear anything up if it is a false positive. If it does happen to be a false positive than I will have nothing more to do with him because I can never be 100% committed to him knowing what I know now. So I guess things will be settled tomorrow. My dad was adopted so I know its all a great thing, but i just don''t know if I could carry something and then hand it over like a bag of potato chips. I dont even know if I can carry a baby to term because of other health issues. So I guess tomorrow is the d-day. either way.
 
Alexis,

Choosing to give a child up for adoption is not comparible to handing over potato chips; it is a selfless act that a humble and wise person commits when they are aware that while they may love their child to no end, they are incapable of providing him or her with the life they deserve. Parenting is not about the parent, it''s about the child and doing what is best for that child. Perhaps what is best is that you keep the baby. But it may not be and if you examine your life, your financial and emotional stability as well as your relationship with the child''s father, and how a child fits into it is not in the best interest of that child, you are not just passing the child off, you are providing it with opportunities it might not have otherwise.
 
I didnt mean it the way it sounded so sorry if I offended anyone. I am just not sure that after 9 months of carrying a child and bonding with it that I could emotionally do that. I know there are people out there who would love to have a child and my boss is one of those people. SO I just don''t know what to do about the situation yet. I am not going to tell my parents tonight, I need to make 100% sure that I am before i make any rational decisions. Thats all. Sorry if I made anyone hurt or angry by my comment, I am obviously not thinking clearly today.
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Alexis,

I''m not at all offended, just concerned for you. It''s hard to make a sound and logical decision when so many emotions are involved. I just wanted to provide a gentle reminder that adoption is an amazing gift. You and the baby''s father will have to work together to find the best solution for the child, if you are in fact pregnant. It sounds like this is a less than ideal time for a baby to be brought into your life, and I''m sure that makes this even more difficult. My heart goes out to you.
 
Date: 10/26/2006 3:11:58 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Alexis,


Choosing to give a child up for adoption is not comparible to handing over potato chips; it is a selfless act that a humble and wise person commits when they are aware that while they may love their child to no end, they are incapable of providing him or her with the life they deserve. Parenting is not about the parent, it''s about the child and doing what is best for that child. Perhaps what is best is that you keep the baby. But it may not be and if you examine your life, your financial and emotional stability as well as your relationship with the child''s father, and how a child fits into it is not in the best interest of that child, you are not just passing the child off, you are providing it with opportunities it might not have otherwise.
Click to expand...

Well said.
 
Alexis, I don''t have an anything else to add except that I''m thinking about you, and I''ll be sending thoughts of peace and comfort your way tomorrow!!!
 
Date: 10/26/2006 9:19:53 AM
Author: IslandDreams
Oh my gosh, you poor thing. What a horrible response from your boyfriend. He might have just been in shock. You 2 should talk in person. He might say things differently after he has time to digest the information a bit.

If he continues to tell you to get an abortion, then I guess you know more about his character and can use that when deciding what to do about the relationship. By the way, he can''t ''refuse'' to pay child support if you decide to keep the baby even though he doesn''t want it. Get a paternity test to guarantee he is locked into it.

Hugs to you.
Click to expand...

Alexis, I think I agree with every single thing ID said here. For everyone''s sake I hope that he was just caught off guard and blurted out something idiotic, and that when he has time to digest the bombshell he''ll react differently. We''ve all had moments when our first reaction wasn''t what it should have been, so I wouldn''t be too quick to write him off.

Hoping things look better tomorrow . . .
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Oh, some of these posts brought tears to my eyes! I am blessed to be the mother of two biological and one adopted child. And each was an incredible gift! But the adopted one is so extremely special...so I commend all of you who support adoption when it is not best for the child for the mother to raise the baby herself. We have a wonderful crisis pregnancy center here which does a wonderful service.

Alexis, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I''m just going to pray that all this works out for your good and the good of this little baby, if it turns out to be true that you are pregnant. I am sorry for the situation with your BF, but better to know now than later. Hugs to you!!!
 
Ok so the appointment is at 230 this afternoon so we will find out then...
 
I just read your post and while I haven''t gone through the exact same thing, I had a few scares w/ an ex and had a similiar type of reaction. I''m so sorry that your bf reacted that way. We''re all here for you, but I agree that you should definitely reach out to some people that you can talk to in person.

***hugs***
 
Alexis,
I have nothing else to add since everyone here has given excellent advice. I just want to acknowledge the difficult situation you are in and share some cyber hugs with you. Do keep us posted on the blood test result.
 
I think you have already received excellent advice. Please keep us posted. My best to you regardless.
 
I am so sorry you are in this situation. An unplanned pregnancy is always a shock, even in a stable relationship. Even if he did not want to keep it, the way he responded shows insensativity and his true character. But whether he wants to or not, if you choose to keep it, he is obligated by law to pay child support.

One of my kids was concieved on birth control pills. My doctor told me that it has a 3% failure rate even when used correctly. I am very prochoice. I ended up keeping the baby.

Hugs to you during this difficult time. You need to follow your heart. If you don''t feel you can be a good mother, or give a child away after carrying it for 9 months, its your right to do what is best for you and not continue the pregnancy without guilt. If you feel in your heart you want to keep the baby, then that too is what is right for you without guilt. Don''t let other people tell you what to do. NOt your boyfriend, not your mother, just you. Follow your heart.
 
asscherme: I concur with everything you said until you stated she should not " let other people tell you what to do. NOt your boyfriend, not your mother, just you" Her boyfriend''s life will be changed by this too, and his thoughts, feelings and opinions should be taken into consideration. He may not have reacted in the best manner, but he is the father, if she''s pregnant, and his opinion should be valued.
 
Date: 10/27/2006 3:16:19 PM
Author: KimberlyH
asscherme: I concur with everything you said until you stated she should not ' let other people tell you what to do. NOt your boyfriend, not your mother, just you' Her boyfriend's life will be changed by this too, and his thoughts, feelings and opinions should be taken into consideration. He may not have reacted in the best manner, but he is the father, if she's pregnant, and his opinion should be valued.
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i too am very very prochoice....and that choice is asherme's. he has been given an opportunity to voice his opinion and she may wish to allow him to do so again. whether or not he changes his mind changes nothing for me...[but then i'm not the one in the situation]. his opinion should be heard and respected but in the end it is her decision. prochoice swings both ways. given they are not married and were taking a 'break' just means in my eyes there is no tie breaker here: the decision is hers. while he may have to pay child support, he can decide not to be active in the child's life. she is the one that will have most of the financial burdern despite child support and all the physical/emotional support for this child as well....if he persists in not wanting it. her life will be the most effected by the decision she makes....either way. even if he decides that he wants the child too, that could change again at a later date and she'd still be the one with the primary and majority responsiblity.
while his opinion should be 'valued' it should not over rule her decision.

thinking of you this afternoon, assherme eta: should read alexis.

movie zombie
 
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