to invite or not?

[MrAkamai]

Not sure if this is the right location for my thread so if it''s not, sorry.

This question has been bugging me for a long time now. One of my friends, maybe even my best friend if he were still around locally, since high school has been living out of the country in Asia for about three years now. He''s married with a kid and still has family near me. When he visits I never see him. He rarely returns my email. He calls me when he''s here only to tell me that he''s busy and wants to meet up one day. I always say sure and then it never happens. I just bought a house and he said he''d visit to see the new digs but never showed up on the day he promised and never called. I presume it''s because he''d already left for Asia. Now, I haven''t proposed but we''re planning our wedding stuff in case we can do it before year''s end. Ring stuff is well underway, though (many thanks to those PSers that helped!!!). Anywho, on to the main issue. Like I mentioned earlier, I''ve known this guy since my high school days and I was in his wedding. But considering how much he''s changed in the last few years do I need to invite him let alone ask him to be in the wedding party or even best man? If I do all this without him I really don''t have much to lose since he''s never here anyway but I just want some opinions on this. Thank you!

 

[vintagelover229]

Congrats on the upcoming engagement! About your friend...I say...don''t invite him. You both are at different points in your life and things have changed between you. Just because you were close at the time of his wedding doesn''t mean you are now. Life changes people. It''s not a bad thing, but people just grow apart. There is no use inviting someone you don''t really know anymore and who doesn''t even live in the country. If you really want to send him an invite and you don''t think he''s going to show, well it''s not going to hurt anything.

 

[choro72]

I was one of two bridesmaid for my friend''s wedding. We were very close, she helped me through tough times, and when she was going through crap, she relocated to SoCal to be near me. That was merely 4 years ago. In that short amount of time, now we hardly talk. Even when we do we don''t have much to say. She is busy with her new child and new life. Now it''s my turn to get married, and I don''t think I''m going to invite. Not that I don''t care about her, but money is an issue for me and I am sad to say that she is one of the first to go through the cut.

Don''t worry about it. I''m sure he will understand.

 

[CrownJewel]

Well if you actually keep in touch you have to at least invite him. Even if he blows you off whenever you call or email, that still counts as keeping in touch. I would not ask him to be in the wedding party. It sounds like you don''t want to invite him because you want to get back at him for being such a crappy friend. Not inviting him would say, "you''ve been a crappy friend!" loud and clear but I don''t think that''s the best option. If he doesn''t show up for your wedding then you can forget about him. He''s obviously not putting in equal effort as a friend, but that doesn''t mean he wants to be shut out of your life. Maybe he was going through a tough time and didn''t want to talk about it.

I also think if you don''t invite him, you will look back at the photos of your wedding and think, maybe...I should have invited him.

 

[MrAkamai]

Wow, I thought this was going to be easy but it seems like I still need to do some soul searching on this one. You made some very valid points and it seems to ring true with how I feel. I do think he''s being a very extremely crappy friend but I might miss him if he wasn''t in the photos. Grr....this is tough.

Date: 6/25/2008 6:03:19 PM
Author: CrownJewel
Well if you actually keep in touch you have to at least invite him. Even if he blows you off whenever you call or email, that still counts as keeping in touch. I would not ask him to be in the wedding party. It sounds like you don''t want to invite him because you want to get back at him for being such a crappy friend. Not inviting him would say, ''you''ve been a crappy friend!'' loud and clear but I don''t think that''s the best option. If he doesn''t show up for your wedding then you can forget about him. He''s obviously not putting in equal effort as a friend, but that doesn''t mean he wants to be shut out of your life. Maybe he was going through a tough time and didn''t want to talk about it.


I also think if you don''t invite him, you will look back at the photos of your wedding and think, maybe...I should have invited him.

 

[Haven]

I would send him a wedding announcement. He''s long-distance, it doesn''t sound like he''d make the trip in for your wedding since he can''t even keep a lunch date, and an announcement says "I want you to know I was married because it''s important that I tell you myself." It also doesn''t obligate him to give you a gift, which is how an out-of-town invitation like that may seem.

Only you can make the final decision, but that''s what I would do.

 

[MrAkamai]

I forgot to mention that the last time I sent an email must have been at least two years ago. I''ve been in the new home for about a year and a half and last year sometime (gee, I don''t really know when for some reason, hmm) he said he''d come over. That was the last contact I had with him.

 

[CrownJewel]

Hmmm...how big do you think your wedding will be? Maybe I''m a total softie, but I don''t think one silent year is enough to end a friendship. I''ve lost touch with some friends for much longer than that, and when we find time to reconnect, it''s such a great feeling.

It might help to just weigh the pros and cons of the situation.

What positive things would come out of not inviting him?
1. You save money
2. You get the satisfaction of ignoring him.
3. Maybe he''ll be glad that he was not invited.

What negatives would come out of not inviting him?
1. He might be really really hurt.
2. You may regret it. If he actually wanted to attend your wedding, you can''t just say, "oh I''m sorry. I thought you were busy that weekend. Well, next time you''ll definitely be invited."

 

[MrAkamai]

I definitely need to weigh pros and cons, no question. But I guess I was really really hurt after all these years of him basically ignoring me and when he came back in town he pretended like he wasn''t even gone. I guess that''s partly my fault for not saying anything when I probably should have. But that''s just me, I''m very forgiving. In fact, I just started emailing a college buddy of mine after about 10 years. It''s slow and awkward emailing him now but I feel good about it.

As for your last point, I hope there''s no next time! LOL!

Date: 6/25/2008 6:37:55 PM
Author: CrownJewel
Hmmm...how big do you think your wedding will be? Maybe I''m a total softie, but I don''t think one silent year is enough to end a friendship. I''ve lost touch with some friends for much longer than that, and when we find time to reconnect, it''s such a great feeling.


It might help to just weigh the pros and cons of the situation.


What positive things would come out of not inviting him?

1. You save money

2. You get the satisfaction of ignoring him.

3. Maybe he''ll be glad that he was not invited.


What negatives would come out of not inviting him?

1. He might be really really hurt.

2. You may regret it. If he actually wanted to attend your wedding, you can''t just say, ''oh I''m sorry. I thought you were busy that weekend. Well, next time you''ll definitely be invited.''