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To Elope, To Not Elope.. that is the question

wakingdreams53

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
891
As dramatically titled, these are my thoughts non-stop!!! One minute I want a wedding, the next I want to elope... but wear a pretty dress, and dance to special songs, and DIY party favors... then I want a wedding again!

I don't want to feel like I'm missing out on the one opportunity of my life to have a huge party just for my partner and me. Then, I don't want to pay for an awkward dinner of people because false and thinking the worst about my marriage.
I hate superficial people, I wouldn't stand for it at my wedding.
Which leads me to... I want to elope!

I need words of wisdom... or something, FI in this case isn't much help, he'll go for anything. He's willing to do the whole thing with family and he's just as willing to drive across the country and have it just be us. Then I can't think of how my parents will feel, my grandparents... AH!

Help?
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
29,743
It's not an easy decision either way. Your parents/grandparents/rest of close family members might be upset unless you can include them in your elopement (which I highly recommend-don't make the same mistake I did!). If they are OK with it and you and your dh are OK with it you could save a good amount of $$$, elope (I think it is romantic!) and then you can throw a smaller party for the people you really wanted at your wedding and not any obligation invites if you kwim.

BUT, if you are going to feel badly about "missing out" on your dream wedding (whatever that is) rethink the elopement. It all comes down to how you and your FI feel, period. Try to cut out the static from others and make the decision you guys want and then you can figure out how to include those you love and want to share the experience with you. You could always have a small wedding if you so choose or elope and then throw a party or just elope and run away on your honeymoon. Lots of options.

And either way make sure to take photos which you will be able to enjoy for many years to come. You don't need a big wedding to have great photos and memories.

Good luck!
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
8,467
missy|1380888038|3532002 said:
It's not an easy decision either way. Your parents/grandparents/rest of close family members might be upset unless you can include them in your elopement (which I highly recommend-don't make the same mistake I did!). If they are OK with it and you and your dh are OK with it you could save a good amount of $$$, elope (I think it is romantic!) and then you can throw a smaller party for the people you really wanted at your wedding and not any obligation invites if you kwim.

BUT, if you are going to feel badly about "missing out" on your dream wedding (whatever that is) rethink the elopement. It all comes down to how you and your FI feel, period. Try to cut out the static from others and make the decision you guys want and then you can figure out how to include those you love and want to share the experience with you. You could always have a small wedding if you so choose or elope and then throw a party or just elope and run away on your honeymoon. Lots of options.

And either way make sure to take photos which you will be able to enjoy for many years to come. You don't need a big wedding to have great photos and memories.

Good luck!
This!

It is 5:30am and I've got to go get ready for yoga so short reply:


I wanted a "real" wedding but considered eloping to save $$$. We ended up deciding on a real wedding so my grandparents could be there and I won't regret missing out later. (After lots of thinking, I decided it would bother me in later years to miss the experience.) I really wanted to wear a wedding dress and have pictures with FI in a tuxedo. I wanted to get a first dance (which since we never go anywhere with dancing could be our only dance!) with a special song. I wanted everyone we cared about to celebrate with us. Missing that is something I'll look back on and really regret.

I'm now essentially eloping and then having dinner after with 7 or so people at the winery. So... we get to elope but have all the stress and expense of a full wedding (gotta love contracts!).
BUT -- I am thrilled that we'll have pictures. The dinner will be amazing. I will still wear my wedding dress. I get a new dress for the "elopement" paper signing. The day will be special.

That said, I like what the lady in my math class suggested -- elope but make it special. In other words -- look at what Audball is doing. She is eloping but taking the time to make it special and memorable.
 

audball

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 2, 2008
Messages
4,946
TooPatient|1380890322|3532009 said:
That said, I like what the lady in my math class suggested -- elope but make it special. In other words -- look at what Audball is doing. She is eloping but taking the time to make it special and memorable.
Aww, thanks TP!

Waking dreams -- if you have an specific questions -- I'm happy to chime in. I'm 100% Team Elope for anyone who thinks they may enjoy it! We had a lot of the same talks you're referring to and ultimately you have to make the decision about what you and your FI really want to do irregardless of who is going to be upset and yada ya. That's the hardest part. But once you've decided, you'll feel some relief!

ETA: TP is right, we are doing most of the things couples do at a real wedding, but with nobody in attendance. FI got a new suit, I have a beautiful dress, we got new things, we're getting pampered (hair/makeup, etc), we have a petite wedding cake, bouquet/ bout, photographer, we got to help write our ceremony, etc. It can be done! And done for WAAAAAAAAAAAAY less money, too, which is a factor that was very important to us.
 

sonnyjane

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 13, 2008
Messages
2,471
We eloped to Maui in 2008, just the two of us. As others mentioned, we did everything, just didn't have guests. I had a dress, he dressed up too, we had a pro photographer, fancy dinner, small cake... Just didn't have any guests. I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. After the wedding we stayed for a week so it was also our honeymoon. It was absolutely stress-free. The day of our wedding we went swimming at the pool, took a nap, then got dressed and went to our beach for the ceremony. It was great!
 

LoveLikeCrazy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 26, 2012
Messages
730
ELOPE!!!

We are still planning a perfect night with just the two of us in a tropical paradise. I have a real princess-y wedding dress, beautiful flowers, hired an awesome photog to take us around the island after our ceremony and trash the dress at sunset -- also bringing a bluetooth speaker to capture our first dance :naughty: , we will have a cake and small reception brought up to our room for the end of the night, wrote our own ceremony, and even ending the night with a white glove private candlelight dinner on the beach! The rest of the week is our honeymoon and we have a few excursions booked. I still have hair/makeup trials/day of booked. I hired a bridal attendant to get me in my dress...you can still do EVERYTHING just without the extra people, added stress and added money!!! Honestly IMO this is the only way a wedding is ALL ABOUT YOU.

TEAM ELOPE!!!!!! :appl:
 

soxfan

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 20, 2013
Messages
4,492
sonnyjane|1380949765|3532586 said:
We eloped to Maui in 2008, just the two of us. As others mentioned, we did everything, just didn't have guests. I had a dress, he dressed up too, we had a pro photographer, fancy dinner, small cake... Just didn't have any guests. I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. After the wedding we stayed for a week so it was also our honeymoon. It was absolutely stress-free. The day of our wedding we went swimming at the pool, took a nap, then got dressed and went to our beach for the ceremony. It was great!
Did we marry each OTHER??? :lol: That is EXACTLY what DH and I did, but we eloped to Kauai. It was awesome. I would do it again. When we got home, we had a hawaiian luau pig roast reception with family and friends. It was great!! We set up a computer with pics from our trip to Kauai, and the tables had grass skirts around them. We had hawaiian food, leis, tropical drinks with umbrellas in them.

So you kind of can do both!
 

UrsTx

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 27, 2013
Messages
641
I agree with eloping and a party later. We went with six friends to San Diego to "elope" and have a honeymoon, ceremony was with a JP in the park - and our family knew what we were doing. Then we returned home and had a family-only wedding in the church (for his mother really, maybe 20 family members). Then we held a "reception" a week later and invited all the family and friends.

So I 1) wore my dress twice - once at each ceremony - and then a nice outfit to the reception, 2) have two anniversary dates - but only exchange gifts once LOL, 3) MIL is happy the marriage is recognized by the church, 4) everyone got to celebrate with us afterward, and 5) there was much less stress and money involved. If I had to do it over again, I'd do it all the same. It was perfect for us.
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
11,989
Wakingdreams, my response is going to be based on info you've provided in other posts...you've mentioned that your parents are not happy about your engagement, to the point where you felt as if your mother was trying to break the two of you up. I'm wondering if their attitude has changed. Do they seem a little more accepting and supportive now? You seem worried about hurting them, and at the same time nervous that they will be false and phony at your wedding. This is a tough one for sure! I don't know - having a wedding does seem important to you, so if you think that your family can be pleasant and happy for you, I think maybe you should go that way. I guess it's kind of hard to predict something like that, but I suppose all you can do is go by how they are acting towards you and your fiancee. I understand where you're coming from, and I don't blame you for worrying about awkwardness and negativity at your wedding.
 

wakingdreams53

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
891
Thanks so much for your responses ladies! I've been staying with my parents -- they were just hurt and in shock, they're really quite wonderful and just want whats best to me. I asked my mom this same question and she doesn't even see a point in having a big wedding. It's costly and in our case, fake. I genuinely want 4 people there -- my parents, sister and grandfather. I'll ask FI who he wants there, have a super small ceremony and party and go on a fantastic honeymoon! Do a friend thing separately. Definitely dressing up and the entire thing will be so much more meaningful for us. This just clicks :))

I'm joining Team Super Small Wedding! :D

Junebug, things have gotten better-- thank GOD! Either way, even with this plan, it's not for another 2 years. Everyone has time to get over themselves and get to know FI. If we can last these next couple years, we deserve to get married ;))
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
11,989
I'm so glad to hear things are going better, that's great!!! :appl: And you're right, there's plenty of time for everyone to get to know each other even better - I think your plans sound lovely! :appl: If I had it to do all over again, I would have a much smaller wedding.
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
8,467
Yay!

I'm so glad you are doing what you want! It will be beautiful and amazing and you won't have the drama of a big wedding.
 

SB621

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
7,863
wakingdreams53|1380998510|3532796 said:
Thanks so much for your responses ladies! I've been staying with my parents -- they were just hurt and in shock, they're really quite wonderful and just want whats best to me. I asked my mom this same question and she doesn't even see a point in having a big wedding. It's costly and in our case, fake. I genuinely want 4 people there -- my parents, sister and grandfather. I'll ask FI who he wants there, have a super small ceremony and party and go on a fantastic honeymoon! Do a friend thing separately. Definitely dressing up and the entire thing will be so much more meaningful for us. This just clicks :))

I'm joining Team Super Small Wedding! :D

Junebug, things have gotten better-- thank GOD! Either way, even with this plan, it's not for another 2 years. Everyone has time to get over themselves and get to know FI. If we can last these next couple years, we deserve to get married ;))

Awesome choice!
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,356
Do you! Choose you (both of you that is)! Sounds like you have a wonderful resolution with the small wedding!

We did two ceremonies. We had our wedding ceremony and reception where we did everything BUT get legally married. Two days later, we hopped on a plane to Las Vegas and DH and I got our paper work and then we got married by Elvis. It was super awesome!!! It was "ours" and special! :love: :love:
 

wakingdreams53

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
891
Ack! I really don't want to plan a wedding... I just want to wear the dress, exchange vows and rings and be his wife! We've bumped the date from 2 years from now, to next year, but that doesn't change the whole, "I don't want to plan a wedding" thing. The funniest part about the dynamic in our relationship is that he'd really be the one planning it-- he's better at these things than I am and I've bestowed the honor upon him already :lol:

He says he's ready to do it tomorrow... so why not just do it? Or will I ruin Thanksgiving.... lol... :wacko:
 

wakingdreams53

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
891
Ah, too late to delete! Ignore that post. I'm not going to ruin Thanksgiving. :wink2:
I really thought about it and it would be better for everyone if I stick to the plan on getting my bachelor's first. It's hard considering my utter disdain for planning a wedding and just wanting to be his wife right now, I know it'll be better in the long run. :bigsmile:
 
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