This may sound crazy to you guys. My wife and I have been married for 35 yrs...

[Missy]

@Dancing Fire congratulations on 35 years of marriage.

My husband and I joined our finances and property before we got married (during our engagement period).

We did our living wills. power of attorneys etc and we put each other as each other's beneficiary on everything before we got married.

And my DH also took out life insurance once we got married because he wanted to make sure I would be well taken care of g-d forbid anything happened to him.


What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too.



Oh wait, no, that's not it
Here we go...

What's mine is his and what's his is mine.




And we have everything in a trust to get the maximum from it for us and our family should anything happen to the both of us.

 

[Missy]

I will add one more thing. We have updated our wills three times during our marriage so far. Laws pertaining to wills are ever changing so we keep it current. Tomorrow will be the third time we are updating our wills. Last time we updated them was 17 years ago so long overdue. Actually the final (for now) wills are already updated and tomorrow we are signing the new updated wills. It’s important to revisit your wills every now and then due to changing laws.

 

[PintoBean]

Hello my daughter, @Alex T, hello my dear @Matata. I was surprised to see an alert that I was tagged. I only gave up my gbcps and came out of lurkdom for you's . I check in like once every so often, see the same stuff and move on.

@Dancing Fire, write down your passwords somewhere with your wife's.

I knew all the passwords bc I do EVERYTHING online. My DH, on the other hand, preferred a minimal online footprint and never remembered my passwords, no matter how often I'd tell him. If I had predeceased him, he would have had a heck of a time accessing everything.

My will never got finalized despite dropping a wad of cash for that bc I had my dad's name down and he wouldn't make the time to go to the attorney's office with me to sign shit. It's simple as ****. For now, if I predeceased my parents, the $$ goes to them, and the cats are supposed to go to a certain place together with $$ accompanying them, but none of that is finalized with the cat sancturary and my dad... I'm so over it.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

Congrats @Dancing Fire !!!! 35 years us a milestone! Especially in these times when divorce is so rampant. That is pretty impressive!

Me and the hubby have joint everything since we got engaged and married at 21. We have a password notebook that we keep hidden that all of our account passwords are written down in. We have a thing where if someone wants to make a purchase over a certain amount, we always check in with the other person first. Just out of respect for our joint money. My parents also have had joint accounts for 48 years (oh my!) and it works for them great.

I respect everyone’s decisions that work for them!

 

[Ally T]

Hello my daughter, @Alex T, hello my dear @Matata. I was surprised to see an alert that I was tagged. I only gave up my gbcps and came out of lurkdom for you's . I check in like once every so often, see the same stuff and move on.

@Dancing Fire, write down your passwords somewhere with your wife's.

I knew all the passwords bc I do EVERYTHING online. My DH, on the other hand, preferred a minimal online footprint and never remembered my passwords, no matter how often I'd tell him. If I had predeceased him, he would have had a heck of a time accessing everything.

My will never got finalized despite dropping a wad of cash for that bc I had my dad's name down and he wouldn't make the time to go to the attorney's office with me to sign shit. It's simple as ****. For now, if I predeceased my parents, the $$ goes to them, and the cats are supposed to go to a certain place together with $$ accompanying them, but none of that is finalized with the cat sancturary and my dad... I'm so over it.

Big hugs, gorgeous lady.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Congratulations DF on a long and hopefully happy marriage.

I don't think I could do what you and your wife have done. I do like that each person can have their own account with an agreed amount put monthly into each account, to be spent any way each wants.

I don't trust anyone that much. I want to be able to access the money myself. Yes, I was burned , many yrs ago, but lesson learned. I basically trust no one w, puthen it comes to money. Nice people do bad things for it.

Annette

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I thought of one question for you folks that keep separate finances. Who pays the regular bills and who pays for the big items, like cars or washing machines etc.?

Annette

 

[Dancing Fire]

Hi,

I thought of one question for you folks that keep separate finances. Who pays the regular bills and who pays for the big items, like cars or washing machines etc.?

Annette

I pay all our monthly bills including CCs. My wife paid for her new car in 2017.

 

[chrono]

Hi,

I thought of one question for you folks that keep separate finances. Who pays the regular bills and who pays for the big items, like cars or washing machines etc.?

Annette

Regular and anything home related (washer, refrigerator, TV) come from the joint account. Car is considered individual expense (my car & his car).

 

[Trekkie]

I pay all our monthly bills including CCs. My wife paid for her new car in 2017.

Sounds like me and my husband, minus me paying for my own car! My husband is very Afrikaans, very traditional, pays all the bills. We share similar attitude to money and are both savers rather than spenders, so this works for us.

I have no idea what my husband earns. We keep our money very separate. When I get paid I transfer some money to him and he pays the bills (our compromise between my feminism and his Afrikaner upbringing). Our savings and pensions are separate. He has a rough idea what I have saved and where, I have a rough idea what he has saved and where. But no specifics.

I haven't worked for a year and a half (resigned to move to the UK and then covid happened) and during this period he has transferred money to me every month to cover my monthly expenses (maybe he earns more than I thought ).

I do worry that if something happened to him I'd be lost without him handling all the admin. I don't even do basic things like paying the TV licence or council tax bill I have asked him to write things down but he hasn't. I think I should show him this thread and prod him some more.

 

[Missy]

I do worry that if something happened to him I'd be lost without him handling all the admin. I don't even do basic things like paying the TV licence or council tax bill I have asked him to write things down but he hasn't.

I totally get this because I am in a similar predicament. I don't take care of our bills and have no clue about the details. I asked Greg to write it all down including passwords etc and he did this a number of years ago but lol I just looked at it and it is complicated so I am going to ask him to go over it all with me. Not sure how I got into this situation because when I was single I was on top of everything but it was just so nice not to have to deal with it so I happily turned it over to him.

Most importantly if something were to happen to both of us we have provided for the cats. We have a friend who has agreed to take all 4 together. She is a g-dsend truly because there is no one in my family or any other friend who would take all 4. It is a weight off my mind not to have to worry about that. Too many people die without providing care for their furry family members.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I think separate finances work for many people.
What I don't understand is not knowing what the other earns, owes or has in savings/investments, as well as how it is set up when one person dies. Especially if there are children (perhaps furry and non-furry) involved.

How do you plan for retirement without full knowledge? Do you include one another in things like estate and wills/trust planning? Life insurance? How do you do your estate planning without discussing what you have and things like taxes and inheritances?

 

[Trekkie]

I totally get this because I am in a similar predicament. I don't take care of our bills and have no clue about the details. I asked Greg to write it all down including passwords etc and he did this a number of years ago but lol I just looked at it and it is complicated so I am going to ask him to go over it all with me. Not sure how I got into this situation because when I was single I was on top of everything but it was just so nice not to have to deal with it so I happily turned it over to him.

Most importantly if something were to happen to both of us we have provided for the cats. We have a friend who has agreed to take all 4 together. She is a g-dsend truly because there is no one in my family or any other friend who would take all 4. It is a weight off my mind not to have to worry about that. Too many people die without providing care for their furry family members.

Yes! I did this all on my own when I was single and I did an ok job. But when we moved in together he added me to his phone contract and it just spiralled from there until one day I had no bills?! It sounds messy and controlling when I put it like that but it's honestly just such a relief not to have to think about that stuff and he does it all so well he makes it look easy. And he enjoys doing it. I should thank him for it more often. But yes, I should also get him to write it all down.

So glad your furchildren are taken care of. That's the most important thing, isn't it?

 

[Missy]

Yes! I did this all on my own when I was single and I did an ok job. But when we moved in together he added me to his phone contract and it just spiralled from there until one day I had no bills?! It sounds messy and controlling when I put it like that but it's honestly just such a relief not to have to think about that stuff and he does it all so well he makes it look easy. And he enjoys doing it. I should thank him for it more often. But yes, I should also get him to write it all down.

So glad your furchildren are taken care of. That's the most important thing, isn't it?

Honestly it’s selfish of me because Greg would love having one less thing to take care of...if I can muster the energy I might volunteer to take over that one area. He does everything and it’s because I didn't want to all those years ago. However life is way more stressful now and I have even less time. But Greg does practically everything and it is weighing on my mind.

 

[Missy]

I think separate finances work for many people.
What I don't understand is not knowing what the other earns, owes or has in savings/investments, as well as how it is set up when one person dies. Especially if there are children (perhaps furry and non-furry) involved.

How do you plan for retirement without full knowledge? Do you include one another in things like estate and wills/trust planning? Life insurance? How do you do your estate planning without discussing what you have and things like taxes and inheritances?

Agree with your post. When we were dating I had no clue what he earned. When we got engaged we shared all the details and we merged everything. For financial planning and retirement etc I agree it is critical to know. For us at least. I understand people vary but not sure how they plan for the future together without certain info.

 

[Trekkie]

I think separate finances work for many people.
What I don't understand is not knowing what the other earns, owes or has in savings/investments, as well as how it is set up when one person dies. Especially if there are children (perhaps furry and non-furry) involved.

How do you plan for retirement without full knowledge? Do you include one another in things like estate and wills/trust planning? Life insurance? How do you do your estate planning without discussing what you have and things like taxes and inheritances?

We have two young children. I know how much his life insurance is and who it is with, he knows about mine.

We have separate wills. Mine includes my younger brother, his previously included his mother, but she has since died, so it has been updated.

Our retirement savings are separate but we speak about them quite often, albeit in general terms. When I turned 31 (6 years ago) and reached a retirement savings milestone I told him about it; when he reached a milestone at 44 (3 years ago) he told me about it. We know enough about the general position but I don't need to know specifics about his situation and he hasn't asked specifics about mine.

It works for us.

 

[chrono]

I think separate finances work for many people.
What I don't understand is not knowing what the other earns, owes or has in savings/investments, as well as how it is set up when one person dies. Especially if there are children (perhaps furry and non-furry) involved.

How do you plan for retirement without full knowledge? Do you include one another in things like estate and wills/trust planning? Life insurance? How do you do your estate planning without discussing what you have and things like taxes and inheritances?

I take care of my own retirement. My wish is to never be dependent on someone else as I know things can and will happen, regardless of whatever I plan. Therefore there is no need for me to know how much he has saved, invested, etc and vice versa as that is wholly his money for his future/retirement.

As for life insurance, we discuss to make sure that we both have life insurance of a certain minimum amount to ensure the children and furries are taken care off but we don't bank on that. That is what our savings is for. Life insurance is just an added backup.

I also handle all the bills but notify him if I see something isn't right (increase in utility usage, pricing, etc). I work and run the household. This is in stark contrast to my parents where my father pays everything and my mother keeps all money earned.

 

[nala]

I think separate finances work for many people.
What I don't understand is not knowing what the other earns, owes or has in savings/investments, as well as how it is set up when one person dies. Especially if there are children (perhaps furry and non-furry) involved.

How do you plan for retirement without full knowledge? Do you include one another in things like estate and wills/trust planning? Life insurance? How do you do your estate planning without discussing what you have and things like taxes and inheritances?

First—we don’t discuss bc there is no need to. Not bc it’s taboo—we just don’t care to. We aren’t hiding anything and would share if we wanted to—but tbh—guess it doesn’t really weigh on us. We don’t have kids together. My daughter is 22 and financially independent. He has none of his own. He and I are both financially independent so there is no need to worry about what our future holds. That to me is the beauty of this arrangement. I think it only works if both people are financially independent. To this day—we have never ever ever wasted one minute arguing over money. In my first marriage—when all was shared—different story. Sometimes I felt like we were children (and we were, kind of)—but it just felt tiring, stressful to rely on another person to fulfill economic goals especially when we had different goals and preferences. Like, what gave me the right to impose a lifestyle on him and vice-versa? It just got too complicated. And I’ll say this again. I’ve seen these issues with my good friends lead to divorce. 5 couples. I have also seen many couples who share finances quibble over the most basic of freedoms—but at the end of the day they are still married and have built wealth together. Sadly, many are stuck bc of that and if they were ever to divorce—both would be poor or less wealthy—and at our age, no one wants to be poor or less wealthy. Now, this is my perspective so please don’t think that I am putting down anyone’s shared finances. You do you.

 

[oceanblue]

As some one who has shared finance I completely agree that we both would be poorer and less weathly if a divorce occurs. It is something we have discussed.

I am assuming those that keep finance separate both have careers and/or are independently wealthy. I can see safeguarding your money, absolutely but not knowing your partners financial situation, it is odd to me.

Otherwise I don't see how that would work...how do you plan for retirement? Don't you want to know at what age your partner plans on retiring? How would you negotiate the buying of a house or other large purchase?

 

[nala]

As some one who has shared finance I completely agree that we both would be poorer and less weathly if a divorce occurs. It is something we have discussed.

I am assuming those that keep finance separate both have careers and/or are independently wealthy. I can see safeguarding your money, absolutely but not knowing your partners financial situation, it is odd to me.

Otherwise I don't see how that would work...how do you plan for retirement? Don't you want to know at what age your partner plans on retiring? How would you negotiate the buying of a house or other large purchase?

We each have our own retirement plan. We don’t have to audit each other to confirm. We trust. Large purchases—we are grown. We make them if we want them. Why is it so difficult to understand how financial independence works?
ETA: at the end of the day, sharing or not sharing finances all boils down to trust. The way I see it, I can trust and not fuss about the details or I can claim that I trust but fuss about the details, audit, etc—but why would I want to? Why do I need to check- in on another adult? We’ve been together for over 18 years and living the same lifestyle. Solid. Living a great life. Excellent credit. Etc.

 

[oceanblue]

We each have our own retirement plan. We don’t have to audit each other to confirm. We trust. Large purchases—we are grown. We make them if we want them. Why is it so difficult to understand how financial independence works?
ETA: at the end of the day, sharing or not sharing finances all boils down to trust. The way I see it, I can trust and not fuss about the details or I can claim that I trust but fuss about the details, audit, etc—but why would I want to? Why do I need to check- in on another adult? We’ve been together for over 18 years and living the same lifestyle. Solid. Living a great life. Excellent credit. Etc.

I think it is great that you are financially independent. It is empowering. I am just curious because it is so different than my married experience.

I don't question the trust that is involved in either scenario, because a spouse has to trust when money is together or not. Guess if you are no where near retirement there is no reason to talk about it. Or if neither works it would be assumed that both are wealthy enough not to need to talk about it.

And of course you are an adult and buy what you want, I was curious about large purchases that would require pooling money such as lux vacation home. I assume you would not make such a purchase or only buy what you alone can afford.

 

[nala]

I think it is great that you are financially independent. It is empowering. I am just curious because it is so different than my married experience.

I don't question the trust that is involved in either scenario, because a spouse has to trust when money is together or not. Guess if you are no where near retirement there is no reason to talk about it. Or if neither works it would be assumed that both are wealthy enough not to need to talk about it.

And of course you are an adult and buy what you want, I was curious about large purchases that would require pooling money such as lux vacation home. I assume you would not make such a purchase or only buy what you alone can afford.

This. We buy what we can afford alone. As to a hypothetical purchase of a vacation home, I would never want to own one. I love to travel to new places and would not need the stress of owning another home.

 

[FL_runner]

It's pretty easy for us- I pay for the house; spouse covers the other bills. We make similar salaries and contribute a similar percentage to our retirement accounts each month. He pays for his car, I bought mine, but they are similar price ranges. We discuss the big purchases and obviously make some together (like each putting a percentage to the down payment when choosing a house!) but for most things we are simply informing the other person from courtesy. We both know that the other has life insurance, and overall plan for retirement. But I don't get "in the weeds" with his finances.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Congrats on 35 years DF! My husband and I have been together 22 years, married 20. We have a joint account that we both contribute to for bills, as well as our own checking and savings that we buy our toys with. We also have separate brokerage accounts for our own stock trading etc. This system has worked for us. We really should get each other's passwords though.