Home The Private Adoption thing...

[fisherofmengirly]

A part of me has always worried (with no medical reasoning, mind you) that I may not be able to give birth to my own baby, so from a relatively early age, I have been intrigued by adoptions. Go figure, my sister-in-law is adopted and I''ve learned so much more through her!

Anyway, back to the reason for this post: Paul and I were watching and old Nightline that was on TLC last night and it was about this woman, Amy, who had literally faked a dozen or more families into thinking they were going to adopt her baby at birth, and she never was even pregnant!

I cannot imagine the thought of not being able to conceive, then getting the excitement of finding a pregnant woman with whom you can actually talk and communicate who is willing to adopt her child to you, and then you give her money to help her along the way (rent, food, etc.) and then find out she never was pregnant. How incredibly heart breaking!!!

Still, it''s not an uncommon story these days to hear about families who are "dooped" by women who offer to give their babies to the family for adoption, and then opt out. And, it''s completely legal (which I both agree with and disagree with).

Makes you wonder what kind of person can fake a pregnancy as a means of income though, you know?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I know my cousins looked into private adoption and the costs, risks and overall situation was not at all what they were looking for. Instead, they went to China to get a 9 month old who is now 8 and the joy of their lives. I grew up with a girl who was adopted from India and she is smart, healthy, happy, etc. Part of the appeal of going this way is that the child already exists and is not going to be taken back by the mother. Just osmething to think about.

 

[chiapet]

Date: 3/13/2008 8:06:45 PM
Author:fisherofmengirly
A part of me has always worried (with no medical reasoning, mind you) that I may not be able to give birth to my own baby, so from a relatively early age, I have been intrigued by adoptions. Go figure, my sister-in-law is adopted and I''ve learned so much more through her!

Still, it''s not an uncommon story these days to hear about families who are ''dooped'' by women who offer to give their babies to the family for adoption, and then opt out. And, it''s completely legal (which I both agree with and disagree with).

Makes you wonder what kind of person can fake a pregnancy as a means of income though, you know?

How weird! I''ve always felt the same way!! I wonder why that is and how many other women have those feelings too. Anyway, I''ve considered adopting a baby from China. I''ve also considered paying for a surrogate mother. I saw this Oprah episode about American couples who go to India for surrogate mothers. I was really excited when I saw that!

 

[Kaleigh]

You deal with a reputable Agency. My SIL and BIL went through an agency in Boston. They were chosen by the birth parents who were in college, and wanted to give their baby up for adoption. It was a roller coaster. The birth mother wavered after giving birth. I feel for her, as I know it''s a tough decision. The father was all for wanting the baby to be given up. He was young and knew he wasn''t ready to be a parent. After much back and forth after she had the baby, she realized it would be best to go through with her decision, and my SIL and BIL were contacted to come and get their baby. They had been staying at a nearby hotel. Just waiting.
They keep in touch with photos and such. I am so thankful she blessed my SIL and BIL with her baby. He''s 3 now and is the greatest kid. I adore him to pieces.

I also had worries about being able to have kids. My Mom had 6 miscarriages before having me. I thought wow I am doomed. But that didn''t happen, my kids are 20 and 18. So try to stop worrying, you are young, and healthy. This is the part of TTC that should be fun!! Worry when you have to, not before.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Kaleigh,

Oh ho many times I''ve been told NOW is not the time to be worried, that I need to save that up for when my kids are wild teenagers or rambunctous kids jumping off things not made to be jumped from! I know, I try not to worry, but at times, my head just whirls with "what ifs..." One good thing, is that Paul grounds me very well and I''m no where near the way I was before he came along.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

My SIL was adopted through a closed adoption in WI. She had her oldest daughter and when she really experienced being a mother, just got flooded with the desire to meet her birth mother. She didn''t do it for years, for fear of hurting her adopted parents, who she calls her "forever parents," but they were supportive. She went through a detective type of thing (I forget the technical term) and found out that if her mother had ever made any request to meet her, it would be possible to find her, however, if her biological mother didn''t the record would remain sealed until such time that she did make the request, if ever.

Turns out that her biological mother called the agency she was adopted through on SIL''s 18th birthday, knowing that would be the earliest SIL could try to find her. My SIL was 30 when she found her biological mother who she now calls "my other mother" or "Mom Kerry." Bio. mom was 16 when she had SIL and made her a quilt that SIL knew about because her "real mother" told her about being adopted at 4 years old and gave her the quilt then. SIL still has it and when they met, SIL showed it to her, how "loved" it had been, and bio. mother fell to pieces.

Bio. mother never regretted allowing SIL to be adopted, but did think about her often and wrote her letters on every special ocassion (and no occassion) through the years. She gave that to SIL when they met, a HUGE emobossed box of letters and thoughts.

They still keep in touch and my neices and nephew refer to her as their "Grandma Kerry" which is so precious.

Stories like that amaze me, how someone so young could have so much love to want better for their baby than they could provide at the time. SIL had a great childhood and now she has FOUR parents to love her for forever.

If I ever were to adopt (which I have a heart for, able to conceive or not), I hope that my child is gifted with a biological mother who will love and pray for my baby all along.

There is just such a precious gift in adoption, both ways (biological and adoptive families).

 

[diamondfan]

To take advantage of couples like that stinks. It is not illegal, to my knowledge, to change your mind about giving up your baby within the allowed timeline, as long as you are really pregnant. Knowingly duping people or misleading them is fraud and I think it is illegal. Not to mention totally dispicable.

Fisher, why on earth would you be worrying about not being able to conceive? You are putting the cart before the horse unless there is some medical issue you are aware of. Please stop stressing yourself. Depending on your age and Paul''s age, most fertility experts will not even see you unless one year has passed. (usually under the age of 35?) So I would not worry about it until you have a reason to worry...

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 3/13/2008 8:34:42 PM
Author: chiapet

Date: 3/13/2008 8:06:45 PM
Author:fisherofmengirly
A part of me has always worried (with no medical reasoning, mind you) that I may not be able to give birth to my own baby, so from a relatively early age, I have been intrigued by adoptions. Go figure, my sister-in-law is adopted and I've learned so much more through her!

Still, it's not an uncommon story these days to hear about families who are 'dooped' by women who offer to give their babies to the family for adoption, and then opt out. And, it's completely legal (which I both agree with and disagree with).

Makes you wonder what kind of person can fake a pregnancy as a means of income though, you know?

How weird! I've always felt the same way!! I wonder why that is and how many other women have those feelings too. Anyway, I've considered adopting a baby from China. I've also considered paying for a surrogate mother. I saw this Oprah episode about American couples who go to India for surrogate mothers. I was really excited when I saw that!

Another one here!!! Although maybe a bit more extreme...

For YEARS I have wondered if it would be the best idea for me to get pregnant. It's weird....it's like I feel like my body wouldn't be able to handle it and I'd end up dying while giving birth. I feel like I'm a really weak person in general and that I should go lift weights for a few months before TTC. lol!!! Seriously though, giving birth scares me. I don't know if I (my body) have it in me.

 

[monarch64]

fisher, I have seen and remember that episode of Dateline. What a total nightmare for all involved. I have not been on BC for 4 years now and am really starting to wonder (even though we are not actually TTC) if something is wrong...DH refuses to acknowledge it...but the thought of adoption has crossed my mind before. It''s a shame that there is such a huge concern that people misrepresent themselves when it comes to surrogacy. I guess like Kaleigh says you have to go through a very reputable agency if you''re looking to adopt.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 3/13/2008 9:09:09 PM
Author: diamondfan
To take advantage of couples like that stinks. It is not illegal, to my knowledge, to change your mind about giving up your baby within the allowed timeline, as long as you are really pregnant. Knowingly duping people or misleading them is fraud and I think it is illegal. Not to mention totally dispicable.

Fisher, why on earth would you be worrying about not being able to conceive? You are putting the cart before the horse unless there is some medical issue you are aware of. Please stop stressing yourself. Depending on your age and Paul''s age, most fertility experts will not even see you unless one year has passed. (usually under the age of 35?) So I would not worry about it until you have a reason to worry...

Oh, I''m not stressing about it. It''s just a thought I''ve always had. Probably because I tend to be paranoid and I know how I am and I don''t like even feeling under the weather for a day or two and for sure being pregnant will be an *experience* for me, to say the least.

The funny thing is, I never knew how badly I wanted to actually mother a child into the world until I thought I could be pregnant. That''s crazy. Now I know without a doubt that it''s something I long for, along with being a mother. However, if that ends up not being the case, we''ll still become parents by another means.

We are both young (he''s 30 and I''m 2 and healthy. Since January, we''ve been off the pill, but not really trying, just seeing what happens, and we''ve both been eating better and have been more active. My motivation is doing it for the baby. His motivation is trying to beat me.

I don''t think it will be a problem, and I''m looking forward to it, but if we ever got into a situation where adoption was needed, or desired, I would be heart broken if some fool did what that woman (and many women) do to the lives and hearts and dreams of so many people. I seriously wonder what''s wrong with them mentally and morally to be able to behave that way and then just say, "I dunno" when asked why they did it (repeatedly).

 

[ephemery1]

DH's cousins tried to conceive for 8 years before deciding on domestic adoption. They were very particular... wanted a baby that looked as much like them as possible (Caucasian). They have family members in the medical field, so rather than go through an agency, they used those connections to find their first birth mother. They were in touch with her throughout the pregnancy and were actually able to be in the delivery room during the birth! Fortunately everything went smoothly, and their daughter is 2.5 years old and now legally theirs.

Then 7 months after she was born, they got a phone call from another relative/doctor, that had a patient who'd just given birth and wanted to give up the baby. They had 4 hours to decide, and called us from the car as they were driving to the hospital to pick up their second daughter. Definitely a different situation than the first... and they never met this birth mother. There was no father present to sign off on the adoption, which seemed a bit scary to me (can he come back and demand any sort of rights?) but as of now, she is almost 2 years old and also legally theirs.

So they've been lucky with domestic adoption, but it's funny that they wanted so badly to have a child that looked like them, and ended up with 2 beautiful girls who look totally different from each other (and them). The oldest has blue eyes, straight blonde hair and very delicate features. The younger is considerably bigger than her sister, and has dark curly hair, big brown eyes and gorgeous tan skin. It is also impossible to pass them off as their own children by birth (if that was their intention), since there are less than 7 months between the girls.

They are in love with their children and grateful for them every day, but I do think they chose domestic adoption in part as "the closest to giving birth ourselves as possible"... and it is interesting to see how they've been forced to alter that view as their lovely daughters grow, and questions are asked, and they realize that both adoption and parenting are incredible, unique, impossible-to-plan-for experiences no matter where the baby comes from.

 

[diamondfan]

Fisher, I think thinking you might be pregnant was a great way for you to really get a sense of how much you want to be a mom. Makes total sense to me.

As for the adoption issues, I know many people who had successful ones. The people out there who are vile and who use others and scam them, sadly, there are amoral people who take advantage of someone else''s vulnerability and it is the so low I cannot imagine.

I am a worrywart. Having had five times I was pregnant and three kids, I can only tell you that being worried is not an asset, and it is a long nine months if you are, and parenting is so filled with scary things that I have worn myself down to a frazzle. My 15 year old tells me to chill out or I will end up killing myself. I am in for worry the rest of my life, that is the certainty in all of this.

I have no doubts that you will get pregnant and you both will be wonderful parents.

 

[sk8rjen]

I actually felt like that at one point, too, Fisher, but it was after I''d had a few m/c''s before I actually had my boys... since then, I have actually developed the strong desire to want to be a surrogate for somebody someday (while I still can). I just think that to help give someone something they so badly want would be an amazing gift, and it''s something I feel like I do really well (being pregnant! Plus I actually love being pregnant and i think it would teach my children a beautiful lesson, so it''s an ongoing thought with me...

jen

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/14/2008 12:17:34 AM
Author: luckystar112

For YEARS I have wondered if it would be the best idea for me to get pregnant. It''s weird....it''s like I feel like my body wouldn''t be able to handle it and I''d end up dying while giving birth. I feel like I''m a really weak person in general and that I should go lift weights for a few months before TTC. lol!!! Seriously though, giving birth scares me. I don''t know if I (my body) have it in me.

I felt this way, too, and my body actually responded to the stress! When we first decided to try to conceive I started to bleed vaginally...and the bleeding wouldn''t stop! It went on for six weeks and I was afraid I had cancer. My gynecologist said she thought I was just having my period, but she was obliged, by good medical practice, to do an endometrial biopsy on me! (They hurt! I have now had six of them!)

My mind just couldn''t take the stress of pregnancy and it communicated that to my body! My period did, eventually, go away. But it just goes to show how strong the mind/body connection is! It happened the very first month we started trying!!!

By the way, once I had an ovary removed I was no longer afraid of pregnancy. That fear had been a sort of castration anxiety in me. Once I saw that I lived through an actual surgery, I no longer feared giving birth. My GYN warned me that I could get pregnant after the surgery, but I said that if I did, it was OK. Although I was 41, I would be happy to have a new baby as well as the daughter I had already adopted!

Deborah

 

[MichelleCarmen]

One of my high school friends has adopted five kids from Cambodia, Laos, and another country. . . cannot recall. It''s been years since I''ve spoken with her, but I found a quote in a paper and she sounds incredibly happy. She and her husband have had the best of luck through adoption.

Have you seen the movie, "Juno?" That movie is so sweet and the greatest story to put the faith back in the heart of anyone fearing what can happen during an adoption.

 

[AGBF]

I started the thread below because I thought that this thread was about private adoptions. If you want to discuss adoption in general, please come talk over there! I am waiting for Logan Sapphire to report in on her plans for adopting a baby from China.


https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/for-those-who-are-thinking-about-adoption.80816/



Deborah

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I guess everyone who desires to have a baby has some "what if" thoughts. But as far as adoption goes, I think international is much less stressful if you choose a stable country. Not to mention you might save a child''s life literally. Plus there are no possibilities of interferance from the birthparents. I would lose my mind if I went through a private adoption and the birthmother changed her mind right after the baby was born!

But you girls need to let the worrying go until you have actively been trying to conceive for a year. Then there is all kinds of help from fertility specialists.