The no - gift guest...

[Rosebud8506]

So, its been a little over two months since my wedding and there are a handful of people who we did not receive any gifts from - one of them being a person who was a member of our bridal party. He always brings up the fact that he "owes" us a check each time we see him. I see its the thought that counts, and some people are rude, and just didn''t give us anything - maybe they can''t afford it, I understand that - but this guy keeps reminding us. I am past the point of sending Thank You''s out any longer - is there a deadline for that too?

Another guest who kept reminding us they owe us a gift was my DH''s dad and step- mom. How do you respond when they bring it up?? "oh, don''t worry about"??? I just feel bad.

Besides the above, there were a few others that did not give a gift too - I feel bad when I talk to them on a regular basis and even when the wedding does come up in conversation - I feel as though that is the ONLY thing that sticks out in the back of my mind and I associate them as a "no-gifter". Did any other people experience this or feel this way too? If so, how did you handle it? Thanks in advance

 

[ephemery1]

My FI (and all his friends, to be fair) used to be somewhat notorious for not bothering with a gift at the actual wedding. One of them got wind of the "you have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift" clause, and they all fiercely embraced it and would just send a check randomly whenever it occurred to them, whether it was 6 weeks later or a full year... or just whenever they saw the couple again. Now that he and his friends are planning weddings themselves, I've noticed they're a little more conscientious about having it done and ready for the wedding itself. But suffice it to say, etiquette states people have a year, and many guys (sorry to generalize!) are just lax about it anyway until they get married themselves and realize how it all works.

 

[Rosebud8506]

I can see truth to that... this guy is single!! Maybe the idea of how it all works doesn''t register until they actually experience it themselves.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

We have a handful of no gift guests as well. Both sets of parents included which is fine because mine paid for most of the wedding and his paid for all of the RD. The others, I don''t know. I have a friend who does the same thing and says she has a card for us and always forgets to give it to me.

It is annoying and I never know what to say. If this card exists I don''t understand why it is hard to remember?!? I was continuely surprised by peoples generiousity as well as the lack of it. In the end it doesn''t really matter. The only one that bugs me is a couple of friends that got married the weekend after us. We delayed our honeymoon to be there, got them a nice present off their registry, spent money on hotel, ex...since it was in a different state than us. We haven''t even gotten a thank you note let alone a gift. I guess it is silly but for some reason it bothers me.

 

[swingirl]

When I got married there was one gift that had no card with it. Somewhere along the way the card must have got lost or fall off. And there was someone who never got a thank you. Since this does happen would it be wrong to mention (a little white lie) to the people who didn't give you a gift that, "Gee, I think a card and gift got seperated. Was the such-and-such from you because I am SORRY I haven't sent you a thank you.

Then for the one's who keep promising something, rather than let them off the hook with, "don't worry about it..", why not say, "That's so nice of you. We'll be looking forward to it".

The bottom line is there will be some deadbeats, lazy people, forgettful people and rude people. And gifts are optional anyways.

Once I went to wedding and the couple asked for gift cards to Home Depot (blended family wanting to remodel). I ordered the card from a school fund raiser and it ended up taking 3 months! When I finally got it I put it in drawer and forgot about it for a while. Oops. Then I finally mailed it out but felt pretty stupid sending it with a card that said "Hope your wedding day is wonderful..." I never recieved a thank you. I guess they were annoyed. I'll never do that again.

 

[Tybee]

Gifts are lovely, but they ARE optional.
They are not to be expected from all your guests, especially the younger and more clueless ones.
It''s uncomfortable, isn''t it? Too bad, it''s supposed to be such a lovely thing, gift giving and recieving, but it just gets so uncomfortable.
There are plenty of guests who didn''t get us gifts, but they did travel far to get to our wedding. We sent them a thank you note for that.
Try not to get frustrated, and try not to hold it against them. So many people are clueless about weddings!!

Tybee

 

[Rosebud8506]

We had mentioned something to our guy friend who had forgotten, I think my DH said something like, "we are going through our gifts and we wanted to be sure we didn''t miss something and not send out a Thank You note to you". This was around 2-3 weeks after our wedding - he could have stuck it in the mail? I don''t know - that issue with our friend bothers me - but even more, one of my old co-workers - I pretty much talk to her on a weekly basis and still nothing. I would feel outright rude if I were them? Then of course I wonder if people mailed something to us, and with the mail, never got to us - then we look like the idiots not sending a Thank You. Luckily, all our gifts had cards attached to them, so we didn''t have to do any guessing.

I guess I am just going to leave it alone, if we get something fine, if not, then I guess it goes to show who is generous and who is not.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/12/2006 10:10:35 AM
Author: ephemery1
But suffice it to say, etiquette states people have a year

Actually, I've read recently that the year thing is NOT true. You need to get your arse in gear and give a gift to someone ASAP if you go to their wedding!!!!

One notorious event that sticks in my mind was that one guest and her husband attended our wedding and gave us nothing. Said 'I have a year to give you your gift'...never saw a gift from her...till she got pregnant and was about to have a baby shower. All of a sudden when gifts were expected on her behalf...she remembered to give me mine.

 

[FireGoddess]

From Emily Post''s Website:
----------------------------------------

Wedding Etiquette—Wedding Gift Tips
How soon should I send a gift?
Preferably, send the gift to the bride before the wedding or to the couple soon thereafter. In some regions gifts are brought to the reception and placed on a special table. Contrary to a current rumor that you have a year to send a gift, it really should be sent right away or within three months of the wedding.
Do I have to choose a gift from a registry?
No. A registry is for your convenience and you are not limited to what is on the list.
How much should I spend?
There is no rule, so it is entirely up to you. Let your affection for the bride and groom and your budget be your guide.
Is it appropriate to give money?
In some cultures it is THE traditional gift. If you are uncomfortable about giving cash or a check, you have several options. You can give a gift certificate to a store where the bride and groom are registered.
What do I do if I haven''t received a thank you note?
Ouch!! This is an awkward situation. It is certainly OK to call and ask the couple if they received the gift. If you find this too awkward and the gift was sent from a store, you can call the store and have it traced. Just as a gift should be sent right away or within three months of a wedding, a thank you note should be written right away or, at the very least, within three months of receiving a gift.

 

[MINE!!]

OMG!!!! HOW DARE someone come to celebrate your marriage... I mean, really... who do they think they are, coming at YOUR invitation and then NOT bringing a gift.. THE AUDACITY OF SOME PEOPLE!!!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/12/2006 6:56:37 PM
Author: MINE!!
OMG!!!! HOW DARE someone come to celebrate your marriage... I mean, really... who do they think they are, coming at YOUR invitation and then NOT bringing a gift.. THE AUDACITY OF SOME PEOPLE!!!

MINE, people are not be invited to a wedding just for the purpose of bringing a gift, but courtesy dictates that they DO give one. After all, you are celebrating their marriage at their significant expense. Do the invites say ''bring a gift''??? No. But my mom taught me that you should give one...even if you DON''T attend the wedding.

 

[ephemery1]

From The Knot:

Q. I''ve heard that it''s acceptable to send a wedding present up to 6 months after the wedding. Is this true?
A. It''s true. Guests actually have up to one year after the wedding to send the couple a wedding gift. This means that newlyweds should not waste time getting anxious if someone hasn''t sent something yet by the time the honeymoon''s over.

So maybe I should have said "suffice it to say, there IS no common etiquette... everyone says something different!"

But at the very least, there is obviously a very pervasive rumor about gift-giving being acceptable for a whole year after the wedding... and most 20-something guys aren''t reading Emily Post OR the Knot, so they''re probably just going to pay attention to the rumors they hear. And then they might just forget altogether. I don''t think it makes them bad guests, just somewhat thoughtless/naive. In the meantime, just think... maybe you''ll get a check in the mail totally unexpectedly sometime next year... which would be even more fun than getting it now!

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 10/12/2006 7:09:52 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 10/12/2006 6:56:37 PM

Author: MINE!!

OMG!!!! HOW DARE someone come to celebrate your marriage... I mean, really... who do they think they are, coming at YOUR invitation and then NOT bringing a gift.. THE AUDACITY OF SOME PEOPLE!!!

MINE, people are not be invited to a wedding just for the purpose of bringing a gift, but courtesy dictates that they DO give one. After all, you are celebrating their marriage at their significant expense. Do the invites say ''bring a gift''??? No. But my mom taught me that you should give one...even if you DON''T attend the wedding.

Then I say "Why invite them?" Should you only invite those that you know are going to bring you gift? Or did you invite them because you want them to share your day with you? Or are you more interested in them "paying you back" by gifting because you invited them to come to your celebration.

I think if people can give a gift, then they should, if they want to. I know that many weddings that I have attended have been a bit of an inconvience to me. But I went to because I thought they wanted me to join them in their celebration, not bring them a gift. But I think that society is really worked up into the me me me thing that they do things only for their benefit. It is disgusting. personally, I find it disheartening and sad that you would label someone as a no-gifter because they came to your wedding.. once again "AT YOUR REQUEST" and did not bring a gift. There are always extenuating circumstances for everyone. For exmaple, one of my very good friends got married. I drove 12 hours to see their wedding, I spent every penny I had to eat convience store food and sleep in a sleezt hotel because they wanted me to be there. I did it as a single mom with no income. Did I buy them a gift? Of course not, but they did not invite me because they wanted a gift from me. I think they are good enough people that they did not "expect" a gift in return for their invitation either. I was very careful to make sure that the people that I invited where people that I wanted to share my day with, not the people I felt that I needed to be repaid for my day with. I think it is a selfish notion.

 

[gailrmv]

We had one awkward situation - one of my cousins didn''t give us a gift. I''m positive it was an oversight, as he has always recognized other such situations with a gift. It was no big deal that he didn''t give one, we were glad to see him there. But since there wasn''t a gift, I didn''t write a thank you note, and so I hope he doesn''t think I''m rude!!! Even worse, I hope the gift didn''t get lost!! I guess we''ll never know.

One thing that DID make me mad was at least 3 people who had RSVPed yes, didn''t show and didn''t offer any explanation later on. We had to still pay for their food, etc. I understand sometimes emergencies come up, but it is not hard to make a phone call, email, write a note, etc to say you''re sorry you missed it. Oh yeah, and none of those folks gave gifts either.

Sometimes I give a less expensive gift than I would have otherwise if I had to incur expense in traveling to the wedding.

 

[Christa]

Date: 10/12/2006 1:18:14 PM
Author: Tybee
Gifts are lovely, but they ARE optional.
They are not to be expected from all your guests, especially the younger and more clueless ones.
It''s uncomfortable, isn''t it? Too bad, it''s supposed to be such a lovely thing, gift giving and recieving, but it just gets so uncomfortable.
There are plenty of guests who didn''t get us gifts, but they did travel far to get to our wedding. We sent them a thank you note for that.
Try not to get frustrated, and try not to hold it against them. So many people are clueless about weddings!!

Tybee

I agree . . . that''s why it''s called a GIFT. It''s been a long time since my wedding, but I don''t remember taking inventory of who brought a gift and who didn''t, or any awkwardness about non-gifters.

For someone who keeps bringing up that they "owe you a gift", I''d simply say something like "Don''t be silly, you don''t owe me anything. I''m just glad that you could be there."

 

[Christa]

Date: 10/12/2006 9:39:55 AM
Author:Rosebud8506
So, its been a little over two months since my wedding and there are a handful of people who we did not receive any gifts from - one of them being a person who was a member of our bridal party. He always brings up the fact that he ''owes'' us a check each time we see him. I see its the thought that counts, and some people are rude, and just didn''t give us anything - maybe they can''t afford it, I understand that - but this guy keeps reminding us. I am past the point of sending Thank You''s out any longer - is there a deadline for that too?

Another guest who kept reminding us they owe us a gift was my DH''s dad and step- mom. How do you respond when they bring it up?? ''oh, don''t worry about''??? I just feel bad.

Besides the above, there were a few others that did not give a gift too - I feel bad when I talk to them on a regular basis and even when the wedding does come up in conversation - I feel as though that is the ONLY thing that sticks out in the back of my mind and I associate them as a ''no-gifter''. Did any other people experience this or feel this way too? If so, how did you handle it? Thanks in advance

I just noticed this--maybe I''m totally clueless on wedding etiquette, and somehow I''ve escaped ever being a member of a bridal party myself--but don''t members of the bridal party receive gifts from the bride and groom? They usually invest quite a bit of time and money in the wedding, too, so personally I''d consider that their gift. I''ll amend my reply above to "You don''t owe us anything--you did more than enough by being a part of our wedding!" Could it be that he''s a little cheap and that''s the answer he''s looking for?

 

[VRBeauty]

There are so many customs and unwritten "rules" surrounding weddings that the hurt feelings, misunderstandings, etc. that so often come up around weddings are not surprising -- and that certainly applies to the whole realm of wedding gifts. The gift custom can very easily become an expectation and even a burden to both the happy couple and the guest. I've known more than one bride who wanted to honor Aunt Hester and Uncle Fester in Timbuktu with an invitation, but didn't because they knew that these relatives would not be able to attend, and they didn't want the invitation to be interpreted as a request for a gift. I think this is both understandable and a little sad, as is the mental "no gift guest list."

Maybe the solution to your dilema is to ask yourself, would I have invited this person to be at my wedding if I had known in advance that they would not bring a gift? If the answer is yes, then you've already received a gift from them. The kind that comes in fancy wrapping paper is just a bonus.

BTW I've had some really bad problems of procrastination in the past for reasons I won't get into... and I've pushed window of time for sending wedding gifts more than once. I was "cured" when I delayed sending a gift to some former co-workers for maybe two or three months. I hadn't been invited to the wedding (second for both, very small wedding) but I was very happy for them and got a gift certificate at a local nursery to celebrate their new life and home together. When I next saw one of them I found out that although they had dated for several years before getting married, the marriage lasted only a few weeks. I was so embarrased about sending the gift so late that I didn't even ask whether they had recieved it or who ended up using it! I've been much more prompt in sending wedding gifts since then...

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/12/2006 10:22:29 PM
Author: MINE!!

Then I say 'Why invite them?' Should you only invite those that you know are going to bring you gift? Or did you invite them because you want them to share your day with you? Or are you more interested in them 'paying you back' by gifting because you invited them to come to your celebration.

I think if people can give a gift, then they should, if they want to. I know that many weddings that I have attended have been a bit of an inconvience to me. But I went to because I thought they wanted me to join them in their celebration, not bring them a gift. But I think that society is really worked up into the me me me thing that they do things only for their benefit. It is disgusting. personally, I find it disheartening and sad that you would label someone as a no-gifter because they came to your wedding.. once again 'AT YOUR REQUEST' and did not bring a gift. There are always extenuating circumstances for everyone. For exmaple, one of my very good friends got married. I drove 12 hours to see their wedding, I spent every penny I had to eat convience store food and sleep in a sleezt hotel because they wanted me to be there. I did it as a single mom with no income. Did I buy them a gift? Of course not, but they did not invite me because they wanted a gift from me. I think they are good enough people that they did not 'expect' a gift in return for their invitation either. I was very careful to make sure that the people that I invited where people that I wanted to share my day with, not the people I felt that I needed to be repaid for my day with. I think it is a selfish notion.

Did you request that nobody bring gifts to your wedding? I'm curious.

The difference between what I expect from people is this - if I had a good friend that had to stretch things THAT far to get to my wedding (eat convenience store food and sleep in a sleazy hotel)...I would have SENT her money to come to my wedding and expected nothing in return. We're not talking about people going into financial HARDSHIP to give a gift - we're talking people that can CLEARLY afford to give one, on any scale large or small.

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 10/13/2006 1:43:18 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 10/12/2006 10:22:29 PM

Author: MINE!!


Then I say ''Why invite them?'' Should you only invite those that you know are going to bring you gift? Or did you invite them because you want them to share your day with you? Or are you more interested in them ''paying you back'' by gifting because you invited them to come to your celebration.


I think if people can give a gift, then they should, if they want to. I know that many weddings that I have attended have been a bit of an inconvience to me. But I went to because I thought they wanted me to join them in their celebration, not bring them a gift. But I think that society is really worked up into the me me me thing that they do things only for their benefit. It is disgusting. personally, I find it disheartening and sad that you would label someone as a no-gifter because they came to your wedding.. once again ''AT YOUR REQUEST'' and did not bring a gift. There are always extenuating circumstances for everyone. For exmaple, one of my very good friends got married. I drove 12 hours to see their wedding, I spent every penny I had to eat convience store food and sleep in a sleezt hotel because they wanted me to be there. I did it as a single mom with no income. Did I buy them a gift? Of course not, but they did not invite me because they wanted a gift from me. I think they are good enough people that they did not ''expect'' a gift in return for their invitation either. I was very careful to make sure that the people that I invited where people that I wanted to share my day with, not the people I felt that I needed to be repaid for my day with. I think it is a selfish notion.

Did you request that nobody bring gifts to your wedding? I''m curious.


The difference between what I expect from people is this - if I had a good friend that had to stretch things THAT far to get to my wedding (eat convenience store food and sleep in a sleazy hotel)...I would have SENT her money to come to my wedding and expected nothing in return. We''re not talking about people going into financial HARDSHIP to give a gift - we''re talking people that can CLEARLY afford to give one, on any scale large or small.

Everyone thinks they know everyone business. Even if someone looks like they can afford it, or they seem like thyey can afford something this is not the case.

Also, To answer your question. Actually, YES! I did. We told people that we prefered not to recieve a gift. We told them that their gift was their presence. We got many gifts, but we did not demand them as compensation for an invitation to our wedding.

 

[flopkins]

Hm. well, IMO they are not obligated to give you a gift.

In fact, my MOH did not give me a gift. But she did give me a wonderful card, threw me a fantastic shower, and organized and paid for an expensive bachelorette. For me, that was already way above and beyond what I had ever expected from a MOH.

All that being said, however, I am a little peeved when I think about an uncle of DH''s. First of all, they RSVP''d 4 and only 3 showed. Second, I would expect at least a card from a family member. The cousin who didn''t show apologized later though. I don''t care so much about the money or physical gift, but just... oh I don''t know, a freaking $2 card woulda been nice!! After the wedding when we were making up the TY list, we went over it and thought there must be some mistake, and who knows, maybe it got lost in the shuffle... but we aren''t close to them anyway and hardly ever see them...

I guess the reason I am peeved about it is that we had to invite them bc they are family, not really bc we wanted them there to share the day. In fact I think the family in question only showed up for the reception... although, I can''t say we didn''t expect this - the uncle said straight up to DH once at another wedding reception (not ours) that he never attends ceremonies, what''s the point - he''s just there to eat a bunch of free food and that''s it!

I think I''m just more peeved about their attitude than anything else.

I did do the ''oh I still need to give you your gift'' thing to a friend of ours. I brought the card and check all the way across the country to their wedding, and forgot to bring it to the actual wedding day. Sigh. So it came all the way back w/me to SF, and I kept thinking, Oh, I''ll give it to them the next time I see them, and I did see them, and of course forgot it. So finally I just mailed it to them!! haha. But I think it was only about a month or so after the wedding.

I would say, just smile and roll w/it. If they do give you something, great, if not, there''s nothing you can do.

 

[Maria D]

I think if you are invited to and attend a wedding, you should give a gift. It doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. I would definitely consider a shower and bachelorette party to be a gift. Just my 2 cents.

I think "we're looking forward to it" is a great answer to "I still need to give you your gift"!

ETA
OK, now I've read the whole thread and am totally sympathetic to extenuating circumstances! Sometimes being there is the biggest gift of all.

 

[FireGoddess]

I think it boils down to what you''re comfortable with, MINE. I don''t feel comfortable attending a wedding without a gift. Even when I was in grad school living on a $15,000 yearly stipend, I brought gifts to the weddings I went to. They weren''t extravagant gifts, but they were gifts. I don''t think people expect gifts of me by coming to their wedding, but I don''t feel comfortable showing up without one, period...whether they are expecting it of me or not.

 

[MINE!!]

FG.. I understand about "feeling uncomfortable" about not giving a gift. But this is more about EXPECTING a gift.... I think that is a different ball game. It is the EXPECTING a gift, and when not receiving one from them, then labeling someone and placing a "bad" feeling with that person just because they did not get you a present, that is the problem. Are people so spoiled that they think badly of someone when this happens... eekkk....

But you are right, it is someone else comfort that makes them gift.. or someone ability that makes them do so. And if you feel uncomfortable about no giving a gift, then that is fine too.... I do not argue someone comfort, I argue someone''s ... sorry to sound harsh... but "selfish tantrum" because they did not recieve a gift. I tell my child all the time not to be selfish at her birthday when someone is invited and does not recieve a gift. Thankfully, when they recieve gifts at their parties, they are very grateful to everyone for coming. I think maybe it should start there if we are acting upsets cause we don;t get a present....

 

[Dee*Jay]

This thread is so timely! We have friends who are getting married in a few weeks and I''ve been searching all the usual places for their registry. I finally gave up and just sent an e-mail asking where they are registered. This is the reply that the groom sent me:

**********

Unfortunately we did not register. It was hard because we have been on our own for so long we have accumulated alot of stuff. We just want you guys to have a good time and be a part of the day with us...any kind of gift would be a bonus.

**********

We are going to get them some sort of gift (probably an Am Ex gift certificate or something like that--and yes, we will give it to them at the time of the wedding, not send it later) but I thought I''d share this message with you all.

 

[bee*]

I dont have much to add other than I agree with MINE. While I personally bring a gift I would not expect everyone to bring a gift to mine. I would much rather they turn up and enjoy our day. If they bring one that''s great and if they dont that''s great too.