The issue

[Autumnovember]

Ok, so I'm ready to write about it. I made it a different thread because I wanted my proposal thread to remain relatively happy as I'm sure I'll be revisiting it frequently. I apologize for any grammar mistakes or incorrect sentence structure in advanced.

After SO proposed to me, the first person I called was my mom and dad. The second was my sister. She was really really happy for me and it was evident because I could hear the sincerity in her voice. Rewinding back a little bit--my sister and my brother in law have been having financial problems that has been making things really difficult for them as they have two little children to support. my SO on the other hand, is extremely financially stable and is able to spend his money freely on whatever he chooses to. Me being one of those things. So for a long time, especially in the beginning of our relationship SO bought me many many things. I, along with my sister, are NOT materialistic people although we grew up in an area surrounded by those who are. I have remained very grounded and unphased by the income and spending ability SO has. Unfortunately, it has greatly affected my sister. It has evoked feelings of serious jealousy in her. She is my sister, and because of that I have continuously felt very hurt especially because she does not hide these feelings from me. I have had to cut out many girl friends out of my life because of this very reason and found that it was a real shame that they just couldn't be happy for me.

It felt so nice to hear the sincerity in her voice when I told her SO proposed. For a little while, she did stop with the jealousy problem so I really did think she had overcome it. I can't even begin to describe how many things I have done for her. I feel severely underappreciated by her and it really hurts me. I have always been so generous to her in terms of gift giving for my nephews birthdays, her birthday, holidays, everything. SO actually just loaned my BIL 15,000$ to help ease the financial problems. My sister has no idea, and I would like to keep it that way. I hate to see her struggling like she is because she's NEVER had it easy.

My sister came over two days ago and like most girls, she asked to see the ring. I showed her and her reactions were this: "Damn girl! THAT IS HUGE! It looks fake." She asked me to take it off so she could see it, which I did. After a minute of silence, in a rather nasty tone she said "Ohh. I know how makes this ring" and I replied, "Yeah...so do I, Tacori makes it"...my mom then chimed in and said "Is that a good brand??" (because she doesn't know much about American jewelery brands) and my sister nastily replied "Yeah..real good." Before handing the ring back to me she said "Yeah so this ring must have EASILY cost 30-40 thousand dollars". Although I do know how much the ring is, I didn't even respond. I just took it and left. I could just hear the jealousy in her voice and there was no hiding it. I stayed in my room until she left to go home. I told my mom I noticed how she was acting and my mom said that she did too. My mom is very upset about this whole situation and is going to have a really long talk with my sister. My mom also told me that when they went out to my backyard to have a smoke after she saw the ring, my sisters face was beet red and that she was really quiet. My mom noticed her looking down at her own ring. Thinking about how she was looking back at her own ring and probably comparing it to mine in her own mind, completely broke my heart. I know that she was probably thinking about how mine is better because it has a larger stone, or that hers isn't as beautiful. I could cry thinking about it now, mainly because I don't want something I'm wearing on my finger to cause so much hurt to other people. I don't want people to be envious or jealous. I want them to be happy for me as I would be thrilled for them. My mom knows that this whole jealousy problem has been going on for quite some time so they're going to be having a serious talk on Friday. My sister is a really good person and I know this is a personal struggle for her, as she is not typically envious or jealous of anyone.

I feel awful, plain and simple. For a minute yesterday, my hurt turned into anger. I guess I just don't get it. I have never really had to deal with feelings like that because I am always genuinely very happy for people when good things happen to them. I'm also the type of person who likes materialistic things for the way they look and not the price tag that comes with it. If I like your ring, I like it because I think its beautiful not because it cost 500 or 50,000$. If I like your shoes, its because I like how cute they are not because they're from Target or Prada. This whole jealousy thing has really torn us apart over the last three years and it has broken many friendships of mine because I do not choose to deal with individuals like that. I'm afraid that if she is unable to deal with this and overcome it, she too, will not be part of my life for much longer and that absolutely kills me inside.


I'm sorry that this turned out to be so long. I've been trying to busy myself with looking at wedding magazines so that I don't dwell on this issue and make myself upset all over again. I haven't even told SO about this or my best friend because I'm too embarrassed for my sisters inappropriate behavior. She really wants to start attending church again which is what I think she needs most right now. She never used to be this way and I just want it to stop

 

[Blackpaw]

Im so sorry, Autumn that's an awful thing to deal with, especially from your sister.

I dont have any words of advice im afraid, but i think you have to distance yourself (as much as you can, i know its easier said than done) from her behavior, because it is about HER, not you. Jealousy is a nasty thing, dont let your happiness be ruined by it, because you deserve the ring your FI ( ) bought you and you deserve your happiness

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[peach_tea_for_me]

What a tough situation. I'm still really happy to hear about your engagement. This is one of the most exciting times in your life and it would be great if everyone around you were supportive of you. Of course that doesn't always happen, which is why we hear about stress and people's feelings getting hurt during engagements/ wedding planning. Just take each day one day at a time, hold your head high because like Blackpaw said, you deserve all these wonderful things! I don't have siblings, but I have a mother who makes everything all about her. She's acted out and shown jealousy that I will be getting an engagement ring because she didn't have one when her and my dad got married and has said nasty things to me about it. In those times, it's important to remember everyone comes to the table with their own set of issues, this is HER issue and really has nothing to do with you. Just do the best you can and try to be sensitive to her, but don't hide your happiness. Hopefully your mom can iron out a few issues with your sister and she'll come around and join on making this an exciting time for you. I wish you the best!

 

[Jessie702]

I am so sorry Autumn (Hugs). I dont really have any advice, but a ear if you need to vent. Its a shame, becasue this is supposed to be happiest times in your life, and because of her jealousy, its not. I would say focus on your FI and your wedding. She can shoose to participate or not, and if she does, she must have a good attitude. Like, i said, im all ears and a shoulder here for you, should you need it.

 

[amc80]

Ugh, so sorry for this situation. Your sister is obviously dealing with some things internally, and then taking them out on you. Given what you said, I'm guessing that your ring is close proportionally in terms of cost/income to hers, but all she sees is a giant rock. I think it's great that your mom is going to sit down with her, but honestly, I think you might want to do the same. I would say that you've noticed her attitude and ask specifically what it is she doesn't approve of. If she is a reasonable, rational person, just saying it will hopefully make her realize how silly it is.

On a side note, I'm already going through some of this with my friends, and I don't even have the ring yet. I mentioned the design and stone and vaguely the cost (because they asked), and immediately was told I was materialistic and spoiled. I told them the stones I am looking at are on the low cost end (I'm looking at SI2s), and they then suggested that I look at pawn shops (which I've actually done, for fun, and really the jewelry there is not inexpensive...plus the idea of a used ring sort of creeps me out). But you know what? My boyfriend is the one who found the ring! And if he wants to spend the money, then it is his right to do so. I've even pointed out lower cost rings, and he always says that he likes the original one we found. It seriously pi$$es me off that other people think that they should get to comment on the ring choice that your boyfriend made. If they want to be rude, they should do it in private.

Back to your post- ha...sorry about that. It sucks that you have to deal with this when you should be feeling nothing but elated. Please do not let your sister's attitude dampen your engagement and wedding plans. If you guys are close and she is reasonable, I'm guessing she will snap out of it eventually.

 

[Autumnovember]

Ugh, so sorry for this situation. Your sister is obviously dealing with some things internally, and then taking them out on you. Given what you said, I'm guessing that your ring is close proportionally in terms of cost/income to hers, but all she sees is a giant rock. I think it's great that your mom is going to sit down with her, but honestly, I think you might want to do the same. I would say that you've noticed her attitude and ask specifically what it is she doesn't approve of. If she is a reasonable, rational person, just saying it will hopefully make her realize how silly it is.

On a side note, I'm already going through some of this with my friends, and I don't even have the ring yet. I mentioned the design and stone and vaguely the cost (because they asked), and immediately was told I was materialistic and spoiled. I told them the stones I am looking at are on the low cost end (I'm looking at SI2s), and they then suggested that I look at pawn shops (which I've actually done, for fun, and really the jewelry there is not inexpensive...plus the idea of a used ring sort of creeps me out). But you know what? My boyfriend is the one who found the ring! And if he wants to spend the money, then it is his right to do so. I've even pointed out lower cost rings, and he always says that he likes the original one we found. It seriously pi$$es me off that other people think that they should get to comment on the ring choice that your boyfriend made. If they want to be rude, they should do it in private.

Back to your post- ha...sorry about that. It sucks that you have to deal with this when you should be feeling nothing but elated. Please do not let your sister's attitude dampen your engagement and wedding plans. If you guys are close and she is reasonable, I'm guessing she will snap out of it eventually.

Thank you everyone for the advice. Our rings are actually very very different in prize and size but both are equally beautiful but she just isn't seeing that.

Shes supposed to be one of my MOH's and I told my mom that if this behavior continues then I'm not so sure her being a MOH is a good idea anymore....and mom agrees.

 

[TooPatient]

Don't let her get to you. This is her issue that she has to deal with.

Enjoy your ring and wear it proudly knowing that your FI loves you.

Don't let her jealousy affect your wedding plans. Plan the wedding YOU want with YOUR FI. If you like something, do it. Don't worry about planning something "small enough" or "simple enough" that your sister won't be jealous -- I get the feeling that she'd still be jealous if you wore a pair of old jeans and got married in a parking lot somewhere.


Congratulations on your engagement & beautiful ring -- enjoy them both.

 

[amc80]

Shes supposed to be one of my MOH's and I told my mom that if this behavior continues then I'm not so sure her being a MOH is a good idea anymore....and mom agrees.

I totally agree with this. People who are not in support of the marriage have no business being in the wedding party, let along a MOH.

 

[MayFlowers]

I don't have much advice to give you, but I just wanted to send you some hugs! This should be one of the happiest times of your life. I hope things work out for the best for you.

 

[blacksand]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Autumn. I know it especially hurts at a time when everything else is going so well, and you just want everyone to be happy for you.

I'll be honest, even though, from the limited amount of time I've spent on PS, I doubt anyone will agree with me. Let me first say that your sister is clearly in the wrong for making you feel bad. She is acting like a child. We all do from time to time, but I sincerely hope she will get past this and be happy for you as she should be. That said, my feeling is this: if you have an expensive, designer ring with a large center stone, LOTS of people are going to be jealous. I'm NOT saying you shouldn't have one, and I hope you won't take it as a criticism (if you can afford it, I think it's wonderful!). But I think you'll encounter this problem frequently, especially if your friends and family are not as well off as you are. Many people won't say anything to your face (nor should they, nor should your sister have), but they will feel it, and they may talk about it when you're not there. This sucks. This hurts. But unfortunately, this is very, very common. It is incredibly difficult to struggle every day to make ends meet, and then smile and be happy for a friend who appears to have had everything handed to her on a silver platter. I don't think this is your situation at all, but unfortunately, many people will perceive it that way. I know I have personally struggled to quell twinges of jealousy watching friends who have never worked a day in their lives receive trust funds, have their parents or spouses buy them houses mortgage-free, and then make huge donations to charities because they have no idea what to do with their money (again, this is NOT YOU... but others sometimes see things this way). Ultimately, for me, the friendship wins out, and I give myself over to being happy for my friends, rather than being jealous and starting fights. But I have to tell you, stifling those feelings of jealousy is incredibly difficult. And it sometimes takes me a very long time.

Think of when you were a LIW. Did you ever have to watch people around you getting engaged or married while you were STILL without a ring? Even though you were probably happy for those people, it HURT. You knew you shouldn't let it hurt, but it probably hurt anyway. You had to work hard to control that, and focus on what was most important--your friends' happiness. That's like what your sister is going through now. Should she have caused a scene like she did? Absolutely not. That was childish and hurtful. But are her feelings normal? Unfortunately, yes. She's human. And it will be very difficult for her to get past that and be happy for you. I really hope she will. I personally can't even fathom cutting my sister out of my life. I don't think I could ever do it, no matter what happened.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, as wrong as what she did may be, I would try to have some compassion for your sister and realize that it's very difficult for her to overcome what she's feeling. I know you want her to be happy for you, and I know it hurts right now, but I do not think this is worth losing your sister over. Keep talking to her, take the high road, keep trying to understand, keep telling her how important she is to you, keep celebrating all her little successes as she works to improve her financial situation, and I think she will eventually come around. I know this will be stressful for you, and I'm sorry for that. But to me, sisters are always worth that effort.

 

[Autumnovember]

Shes supposed to be one of my MOH's and I told my mom that if this behavior continues then I'm not so sure her being a MOH is a good idea anymore....and mom agrees.

I totally agree with this. People who are not in support of the marriage have no business being in the wedding party, let along a MOH.

It's all so weird...because she is really supportive of the marriage...she just is not supportive of the ring. I could only imagine what it will be like buying a dress and if its expensive, her being jealous. I can't deal with that. I'm going to let my mom know that this is something she needs to bring up in the conversation. I will have a separate conversation with her a little bit later. She takes what my mom says to heart a lot as she is closest to her.

 

[amc80]

Think of when you were a LIW. Did you ever have to watch people around you getting engaged or married while you were STILL without a ring? Even though you were probably happy for those people, it HURT.

Of course, this is natural. I remember this time when I was with my ex...he got a call from his good friend, saying he had just gotten engaged, and invited us out to celebrate. I immediately burst into tears, since that couple had been dating for less time than we had. But we went out and met them, and I put on a genuinely happy face, and I was happy for them.

People think that they have a right to ACT a certain way simply because they FEEL a certain way. Emotions shouldn't dictate behavior. Easier said than done, I know, but still true.

And you're right, people will be jealous of a large ring, which may become resentment. That does not give them an excuse to behave poorly.

 

[princesss]

Don't let her ruin your happiness. Really.

Yes, it sucks that she can't be happy for you. But that's her issue, not yours. As long as you are certain you're not flaunting the ring/money/whatever and you are truly remaining as humble as you're telling us you are, then this is her problem and her problem alone. You do not have to be around nasty people, and you are free to tell her that you won't be around her until she can be nice to you. You don't have to put up with stuff like this at all.

 

[blacksand]

Oh, don't get me wrong, emotions do NOT give anyone the right to act inappropriately. I'm not sure if I said it enough times in my post...but for the record...I think Autumn's sister is absolutely wrong to act this way. I'm just saying I know this is hard on her sister, and I don't think it's a reason to cut ties with her. I think compassion is a better solution here than toughness. But to each his own.

 

[beezygal]

I'm sorry you have to go through that. She's your sister, not just a friend, it must be harder like this.

Please enjoy your ring and your engagement. Your ring is AMAZING, you should wear it proud! I hope she'll get over it soon!

 

[princesss]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Autumn. I know it especially hurts at a time when everything else is going so well, and you just want everyone to be happy for you.

I'll be honest, even though, from the limited amount of time I've spent on PS, I doubt anyone will agree with me. Let me first say that your sister is clearly in the wrong for making you feel bad. She is acting like a child. We all do from time to time, but I sincerely hope she will get past this and be happy for you as she should be. That said, my feeling is this: if you have an expensive, designer ring with a large center stone, LOTS of people are going to be jealous. I'm NOT saying you shouldn't have one, and I hope you won't take it as a criticism (if you can afford it, I think it's wonderful!). But I think you'll encounter this problem frequently, especially if your friends and family are not as well off as you are. Many people won't say anything to your face (nor should they, nor should your sister have), but they will feel it, and they may talk about it when you're not there. This sucks. This hurts. But unfortunately, this is very, very common. It is incredibly difficult to struggle every day to make ends meet, and then smile and be happy for a friend who appears to have had everything handed to her on a silver platter. I don't think this is your situation at all, but unfortunately, many people will perceive it that way. I know I have personally struggled to quell twinges of jealousy watching friends who have never worked a day in their lives receive trust funds, have their parents or spouses buy them houses mortgage-free, and then make huge donations to charities because they have no idea what to do with their money (again, this is NOT YOU... but others sometimes see things this way). Ultimately, for me, the friendship wins out, and I give myself over to being happy for my friends, rather than being jealous and starting fights. But I have to tell you, stifling those feelings of jealousy is incredibly difficult. And it sometimes takes me a very long time.

Think of when you were a LIW. Did you ever have to watch people around you getting engaged or married while you were STILL without a ring? Even though you were probably happy for those people, it HURT. You knew you shouldn't let it hurt, but it probably hurt anyway. You had to work hard to control that, and focus on what was most important--your friends' happiness. That's like what your sister is going through now. Should she have caused a scene like she did? Absolutely not. That was childish and hurtful. But are her feelings normal? Unfortunately, yes. She's human. And it will be very difficult for her to get past that and be happy for you. I really hope she will. I personally can't even fathom cutting my sister out of my life. I don't think I could ever do it, no matter what happened.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, as wrong as what she did may be, I would try to have some compassion for your sister and realize that it's very difficult for her to overcome what she's feeling. I know you want her to be happy for you, and I know it hurts right now, but I do not think this is worth losing your sister over. Keep talking to her, take the high road, keep trying to understand, keep telling her how important she is to you, keep celebrating all her little successes as she works to improve her financial situation, and I think she will eventually come around. I know this will be stressful for you, and I'm sorry for that. But to me, sisters are always worth that effort.

Dangit. I wrote my post and then read this and have changed my mind. I still say you don't have to put up with it, but I think this is a better approach to take.

 

[amc80]

Oh, don't get me wrong, emotions do NOT give anyone the right to act inappropriately. I'm not sure if I said it enough times in my post...but for the record...I think Autumn's sister is absolutely wrong to act this way. I'm just saying I know this is hard on her sister, and I don't think it's a reason to cut ties with her. I think compassion is a better solution here than toughness. But to each his own.

Oh, I know you meant that. My post wasn't really against you, just a general observation. I actually really enjoyed what you had to say.

 

[luvshinyrocks]

blacksand is right.

If this were anyone but my sister I probably wouldn't put up with it, but she's a big part of your life and I think both you and she will be happier if you try to realize that her behavior is about her and that someday she may learn to deal with it better. It would be a lot worse to burn your bridges with her and then not have her around in the future.

Makes holiday dinners awkward, for one thing!

 

[Autumnovember]

thank you again for the posts everyone. Blacksand, I agree with the majority of what you said. The problem is that this began the moment I started dating SO (over 3 years ago). She wouldn't talk to me for 3 weeks and at the time I didn't understand why but now it all makes complete sense. She knew about him and his financial stability because the three of us worked for the same company. I actually thought she was angry because of our age difference but it turns out it was because she had heard around the office that he had a lot of money. As I posted in the original post, I have had nothing but compassion for her. I have done so much for her these last three years. I never looked at the things that I have done for her as a "favor" because she is my sister and I do those things for her because I want to. I have never expected anything in return except for support and happiness. She supports our engagement and she really does love my SO. She actually has chosen us to be my two nephews God parents, to which we both gladly accepted. There comes a time though, when enough is enough and something has got to give. THIS is the time for me. It's the last straw. I've remained relatively compassionate and understanding and I was never able to really be mad at her for feeling the way she has, but instead I felt just SAD, mainly because I hated that she had to be dealing with those feelings. How much longer can this go on for? How much longer will I have to put up with it and continue to be compassionate until I say ENOUGH? I know that having a large ring will evoke these emotions in people. A lot of my friends asked me to post pictures of the ring on facebook and I politely declined. I do not want to stir up any unwanted feelings in people and I do not need to brag about my ring on facebook for the world to see because it is simply not in my personality to do so. I have shared photos of the ring with my closest friends and thats it (besides you guys). As I said before, I am not a materialistic person. Sure, I like the nice things in life but I also like the simple things in life too. I have continued to have the same morals and the same values as I did before I met SO. If anything, I have seen how much money can ruin people and I really didn't want that to be me which probably contributed to me remaining grounded but my sister clearly fails to see this.

 

[princesss]

thank you again for the posts everyone. Blacksand, I agree with the majority of what you said. The problem is that this began the moment I started dating SO (over 3 years ago). She wouldn't talk to me for 3 weeks and at the time I didn't understand why but now it all makes complete sense. She knew about him and his financial stability because the three of us worked for the same company. I actually thought she was angry because of our age difference but it turns out it was because she had heard around the office that he had a lot of money. As I posted in the original post, I have had nothing but compassion for her. I have done so much for her these last three years. I never looked at the things that I have done for her as a "favor" because she is my sister and I do those things for her because I want to. I have never expected anything in return except for support and happiness. She supports our engagement and she really does love my SO. She actually has chosen us to be my two nephews God parents, to which we both gladly accepted. There comes a time though, when enough is enough and something has got to give. THIS is the time for me. It's the last straw. I've remained relatively compassionate and understanding and I was never able to really be mad at her for feeling the way she has, but instead I felt just SAD, mainly because I hated that she had to be dealing with those feelings. How much longer can this go on for? How much longer will I have to put up with it and continue to be compassionate until I say ENOUGH? I know that having a large ring will evoke these emotions in people. A lot of my friends asked me to post pictures of the ring on facebook and I politely declined. I do not want to stir up any unwanted feelings in people and I do not need to brag about my ring on facebook for the world to see because it is simply not in my personality to do so. I have shared photos of the ring with my closest friends and thats it (besides you guys). As I said before, I am not a materialistic person. Sure, I like the nice things in life but I also like the simple things in life too. I have continued to have the same morals and the same values as I did before I met SO. If anything, I have seen how much money can ruin people and I really didn't want that to be me which probably contributed to me remaining grounded but my sister clearly fails to see this.

Have you had a solid heart-to-heart with her and really listened to her side of this as well? I really think it might help to just clear the air between the two of you. You need to be able to say, "Look, I've put up with this for 3 years, I just can't take it anymore." But she probably also needs a chance to feel heard and get things off of her chest. She also needs to see how much she's hurting you - most of us are very good at hiding the little hurts and disappointments we feel, and I bet she doesn't know just how badly you're hurting right now.

 

[luckynumber]

girl, i feel your pain.

my sister is also jealous.

very.

she didn't even ask to look at my ring, while my cousin was gushing over it.

she likes to pretend that she is this earthy, hippy, intellectual type who doesn't care about money, but it's so obvious she does.

unlike you, i don't even care. i never care about the haters. i believe that if you treat people well, live your life well, and are genuinely happy for others: good things will happen to you.

if you live in a jealous, twisted, sad little world, that's all you'll ever have.

there will always be more people jealous of you, especially if you have a wealthier lifestyle. Especially those people who consider themselves to have started at the same point in life as you (like your sister)

you can't change how other people feel.

you can only change how you feel.

you're a lucky girl. god only knows how long that luck will last, life can turn upside down in an instant. you know that, one day, you may not have what you have now. so appreciate it. enjoy it. coz believe me, there are those out there who would be more than happy to see you lose what you have now. it's the ugly side of human nature, but that's just the way life is.

 

[monarch64]

Prepare for one of my blunt posts!

Yes, your sister is envious, and yes, she's being a horse's ass about your engagement and your ring. Get used to it.

You can't change people. You can only develop a thicker skin and focus your energy on the things in life that actually matter. (Sis could take a lesson there, too.) There will always be someone, whether they are family or friends or randoms, who will get immense satisfaction out of raining on your parade.

The key in life to NOT ending up a mean, cynical wench like your sister is realizing you only have control over yourself and your actions. You also can't expect everyone to be happy for you because they SHOULD, you just need to realize that on some level your sister is happy for you (she can't be totally unhappy that you're getting married and you're happy--she is your sister, after all, and deep down she wouldn't REALLY want to see you as miserable as she is) and accept that. And then let all of her negativity go in one ear and out the other. If you don't feed into it, eventually she will stop. And by stop I mean she might either stop reacting negatively, or remove herself from your life at the opposite extreme, so be prepared for either.

I understand the hurt over someone just flat out being a bitch to you, and your family member, no less. Imagine my disappointment the first time I told my parents of a past engagement, in public, during dinner with the rest of my family and new fiance, and they did not even ask to see my ring. It was a brutal slap in the face and one I will never forget. This time around, I am sure my parents are happy for me, but I have certainly not gone out of my way to go have dinner with them to announce the engagement, and a phone call to my mother was about as much as I could handle. She cannot seem to ever muster up any positivity over any sort of relationship in my life, whether it is friendship or love. That hurts.

As for people being jealous of you or your ring--that will happen and again I say get used to it. I've been tall and had a nice figure since puberty, and I can't even tell you how many times a "friend" or even a random stranger in a ladies room has stood next to me while washing our hands and point blank told me they hate me. Hate is a strong word, and even when it's used in sarcastic or silly ways, it HURTS. And it is MEANT to sting, or people wouldn't use the phrase. So when people give you sh*t about your ring, I understand.

The really crazy thing about people saying nasty things to anyone about their possessions or their appearance, or their accomplishments, is that the only purpose that serves is to show how insecure they are about their own lives. It would be a very sad existence, I imagine.

Blacksand--I like your response. I don't know if this is worth losing a sister over, but like I said towards the beginning of my post, if AN just doesn't react to the negativity her sister will have limited choices on how she chooses to behave--either she'll realize she's being hateful and childish, or she'll do the cutting off. All AN can really do is try to have some compassion but not totally cater to the sister's moods, either.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am so sorry Autumn.

Now here is my tough love. Of course she feels this way. They are in financial trouble which is the biggest strain in life and on ones marriage, and here is her (little?) sister with a very expensive ring and no financial worries at all. I am not sure how you expected her to react, to be honest. Your ring would pay for their debts I bet, pay their mortgage for a year or more, take all the strains away. She is jealous, and scared about her own financial situation. You say now that you would be happy for her if the situations were reversed, but you cannot say that with certainty, since the positions are not reversed. It is not materialistic to be jelous of a sibling who is very well off financially when you are struggling, it is natural. And I will bet good money her marriage is in trouble to boot, since many many marriages crumble when money becomes a serious issue. Her feelings may reflect her jealousy of where you are in your relationship, too, in the new phase where everything is great! While she is perhaps in a marriage that is anything but.

Of course, she is still being a spoiled brat by taking this out on you. THAT is where she is wrong, and immature.

But all of this is not your problem! You cannot control her feelings. You can only control your reaction to them. You do not need to let her feelings get to you, you can be the bigger person here. Be respectful and empathetic of her situation, but move on and ignore her pettyness. So what if she did not jump for joy about your engagement! So what? It does not really matter in the grand scheme. And if she is not being appreciative of the things you do for her, then stop doing them. Plain and simple.

In the end, the difference in your financial situations will not go away, so somehow you need to find a way to negotiate a truce. She is allowed to *feel* anything she wants, but she is NOT allowed to treat you badly. Lay down the law there and then move on.

 

[slg47]

I'm really sorry to hear this Autumn...as others have said it is perfectly normal for her to have those feelings but the way she chose to deal with them is inconsiderate and not OK. Your engagement should be a happy time! I am glad that she is supportive of your relationship though, that is important. Hopefully after your mom talks to her you can talk with her and explain that the way she is reacting is really hurting your feelings and making you sad when you should be super happy!

I hope everything works out and you can ENJOY your beautiful ring! it is really gorgeous and should be a symbol of the love that you and your FI share, not of any jealousy or anything else.

ETA ditto everything Monnie and dreamer said. they are wise ladies

 

[monarch64]

ALSO. Can I just say that I would RATHER DIE than ever let on to someone that I was jealous of their ring, or anything else. DIE. Like, I don't care if I was having tea with the Queen of England, I wouldn't bat an eyelash. I might, MIGHT, have a teensy bit of a pity party in the privacy of my own bathroom or someplace LATER. But to make an ungracious, uncomplimentary remark to anyone about anything of theirs is the height of rude and I would rather poke my own eyes out than let on that I was anything but as totally awesomely cool as I am.

 

[Autumnovember]

ALSO. Can I just say that I would RATHER DIE than ever let on to someone that I was jealous of their ring, or anything else. DIE. Like, I don't care if I was having tea with the Queen of England, I wouldn't bat an eyelash. I might, MIGHT, have a teensy bit of a pity party in the privacy of my own bathroom or someplace LATER. But to make an ungracious, uncomplimentary remark to anyone about anything of theirs is the height of rude and I would rather poke my own eyes out than let on that I was anything but as totally awesomely cool as I am.

Yes, I have to completely agree regarding SHOWING jealousy.

I do understand why she is jealous. I really and truly do. I guess it hurts me so much because I can only do so much to help her financial situation. SO did give them that 15,000 loan so I'm hoping that this helps them out a lot (according to BIL...this is where most of the debt is stemming from). My sister HAS been on the other end of the spectrum because BIL used to be well off as well before the real estate market went down hill. I was even over her house and told her that if she needed me to give them money weekly from my paycheck I would do it. I have never really talked to my sister about any of this. I've always just tried to act like it rolled off my back in front of her. It's when I am alone or with my mom that I have really spoken about my feelings. I doubt she has any idea that she's been causing me this much hurt. As I said before, I cut out a lot of people in my life. It has been a weeding out process for me, which has been difficult to say the least but also a blessing in disguise. I'm slowly forming a very tight knit group of friends that are genuinely good people who support me and SO fully. Also, I know I'm painting a picture of her being this nasty, awful, immature person. But she isn't. This is what gets me. SHE is *NOT* this. She was never jealous of anyone. She was always happy with everything she had and counted her blessings for having a phenomenal husband, great kids, and a family that loves her unconditionally. She is one of the kindest people that I know so her behavior has been shocking to me. I know that it is an internal struggle for her and she hates feeling the way she does. I remember having a conversation about jealousy in general and I slipped a comment and said "you never used to be jealous of anyone...what has changed?" She never really answered what changed and what has made her this way but she did tell me she hated having to feel jealous of anyone (friends at the time). I know that I should really talk to her about this but I don't want to anger her or upset her...its such a touchy subject. I feel helpless because I desperately want to get her out of this rut and I have no idea how, which is why I'm really banking on that 15000 loan helping them tremendously so they can live their lives normally again.

 

[sctsbride09]

Aww, hugs to you, Im sorry you have to deal with this in the very start of your engagement. I agree with Dreamer, it sounds like she is jealous because of her financial situation. BUT, no one forced her to make the financial choices she has made as well as having kids, which are very expensive. If I was you, I would probably avoid discussing the ring/wedding etc. if she is going to behave like this, if you kiss her a** and baby her, she is going to get used it, why should you anyway? Its your wedding, and she had hers already right? Have the wedding YOU and FI want, if you dont you will resent her later, I promise. Congratulations again on your engagement, relax and enjoy!

On a side note, maybe have a talk with FI about how you will handle money in the future , ie loans, discussion of money with people who are not in "the family". I just say this because we had lent a family member money, never had it repaid, and it causes alot of animosity between us. From that moment, we dont make loans or discuss our financial situation with anyone that is outside of our family of 2. When people KNOW how much you have, this can promote tension (we have the same situation as you, we are financially set and these particular family members struggle), so when people have no idea what you have, that helps. Sorry for the unsolicited advice, I just wish someone had told me that. So hopefully that will help you, or someone reading this.

 

[Autumnovember]

Aww, hugs to you, Im sorry you have to deal with this in the very start of your engagement. I agree with Dreamer, it sounds like she is jealous because of her financial situation. BUT, no one forced her to make the financial choices she has made as well as having kids, which are very expensive. If I was you, I would probably avoid discussing the ring/wedding etc. if she is going to behave like this, if you kiss her a** and baby her, she is going to get used it, why should you anyway? Its your wedding, and she had hers already right? Have the wedding YOU and FI want, if you dont you will resent her later, I promise. Congratulations again on your engagement, relax and enjoy!

I can't *not* talk about the wedding because she is supposed to be one of my MOH's and my BIL is going to be a groomsmen! I won't allow her to get in the way of what I want for my wedding...this is for sure.

 

[princesss]

ALSO. Can I just say that I would RATHER DIE than ever let on to someone that I was jealous of their ring, or anything else. DIE. Like, I don't care if I was having tea with the Queen of England, I wouldn't bat an eyelash. I might, MIGHT, have a teensy bit of a pity party in the privacy of my own bathroom or someplace LATER. But to make an ungracious, uncomplimentary remark to anyone about anything of theirs is the height of rude and I would rather poke my own eyes out than let on that I was anything but as totally awesomely cool as I am.

Yes, I have to completely agree regarding SHOWING jealousy.

I do understand why she is jealous. I really and truly do. I guess it hurts me so much because I can only do so much to help her financial situation. SO did give them that 15,000 loan so I'm hoping that this helps them out a lot (according to BIL...this is where most of the debt is stemming from). My sister HAS been on the other end of the spectrum because BIL used to be well off as well before the real estate market went down hill. I was even over her house and told her that if she needed me to give them money weekly from my paycheck I would do it. I have never really talked to my sister about any of this. I've always just tried to act like it rolled off my back in front of her. It's when I am alone or with my mom that I have really spoken about my feelings. I doubt she has any idea that she's been causing me this much hurt. As I said before, I cut out a lot of people in my life. It has been a weeding out process for me, which has been difficult to say the least but also a blessing in disguise. I'm slowly forming a very tight knit group of friends that are genuinely good people who support me and SO fully. Also, I know I'm painting a picture of her being this nasty, awful, immature person. But she isn't. This is what gets me. SHE is *NOT* this. She was never jealous of anyone. She was always happy with everything she had and counted her blessings for having a phenomenal husband, great kids, and a family that loves her unconditionally. She is one of the kindest people that I know so her behavior has been shocking to me. I know that it is an internal struggle for her and she hates feeling the way she does. I remember having a conversation about jealousy in general and I slipped a comment and said "you never used to be jealous of anyone...what has changed?" She never really answered what changed and what has made her this way but she did tell me she hated having to feel jealous of anyone (friends at the time). I know that I should really talk to her about this but I don't want to anger her or upset her...its such a touchy subject. I feel helpless because I desperately want to get her out of this rut and I have no idea how, which is why I'm really banking on that 15000 loan helping them tremendously so they can live their lives normally again.

Okay, here's the thing: you need to disentangle yourself from her finances. No more talking to her about money, offering her an allowance (ouch! That would sting like hell if my little sister offered me that), nothing. If your SO and your BIL want to work something out privately, fine. But get yourself out of their bank account. It'll help.

 

[sctsbride09]

Ah, if she is your MOH you certainly cant avoid wedding talk, now can you..Maybe keep it to things that dont matter as much ie music selections, etc. so your feelings dont get hurt if she has negative feelings towards anything you *love*. Sorry Im not more help, this situation really stinks and I feel for you. I only have 1 sibling, and if he behaved like this, Id be very disapointed in him.