The "I am so ANGRY!!!" sort of VENT - Help me!

[Bia]

I just got into a fight with my mother...Please tell me if I am overreacting because I am really upset right now...

This is what happened:

I just found out about a month ago that my mom's sister doesn't "like" my BF. At least, she doesn't like him for me. When my mom told me I was really upset because my aunt had nothing to base her dislike on.

She barely said anything to my BF when she met him for the first time at my brother's wedding a few months ago. She doesn't have the best opinion of men in general (her husband left her for a woman he met on vacation years and years ago, and she went on to have a few bad relationships). At the wedding, my BF went over to her to say hello (my family was sitting together) and she basically ignored him. We didn't have a real chance to sit down and talk with all of them because we were both in the wedding party and very busy that entire weekend. But he noticed it and he mentioned something to me on the way home. I told him to not pay it any mind because she's not the friendly type, in fact, she quite the cold fish--it wasn't unusual in my opinion that she did that.

Since it turns out she disapproved of him, I am having a hard time understanding why and its really bothering me, even though it shouldn't!!! I have a feeling it has something to do with the fact that he's not "white" enough for them (to give you an idea, BF's father is Puerto Rican of African/Indian ancestry and his mother is European-American/Anglo--WHICH INCIDENTALLY MAKES HIM GORGEOUS!!!). Although I am Hispanic, there is a lot of racism within similar Latin countries like Colombia...running silently rampant in my family apparently! ****This does not include my parents (they love my BF)**** When my aunt learned he was Puerto Rican, she had something to say (this was years ago) but I brushed it off because I've heard my family make stupid comments like this before. On more than one occasion a couple of my relatives said that my cousin (shes a few years younger than me) likes "dark hispanics" (cousin's BF is Dominican), only they said it in Spanish using a very derogatory word. This upset me and I told them that was so inappropriate but they tried to make light of it...

Anyway, a few weeks ago, when my mom told me that my aunt disapproved (ugh, I'm so pissed right now!) I told her that my aunt doesn't know what she's talking about. My mom made a point to tell her sister that my BF is educated, has a wonderful job, owns a home, comes from a really good family, and that, most importantly, he ADORES ME. That made no difference...she told my mom I shouldn't settle for that. So, I chalked it up to her being ignorant...and since she's family, what could I do?

Well today my mother was talking to my brother about this whole thing and he told her that some things are better left unsaid, which I agree with, because I DO wish my mother had never told me this. So my mom said she was just giving me a head's up. Now I am thinking its a bigger deal than she is making it seem and that my whole family is talking about my BF and I. Its making me self-conscious now...and I hate it.

I feel like crying right now. Even though I shouldn't care what other people think, I really do and its annoying the sh*t out of me!!!

Have any of you ever had to deal with this? I need to get over it, but I'm so upset I don't know how.

 

[trillionaire]

I'm sorry that your family is upsetting you! I have read a lot about race relations and latin america, and it is very very interesting (from a sociological perspective), but I can see how it would be devestating on a personal level. However, family is family, and your aunt will probably come around. A funny story about my crazy aunt, she met my SO, and loves him, thinks he is great and has extended an open invitation for him to come by her house anytime, with or without ME! And she STILL told my mom that I shouldn't marry him, and that I should date and meet other people. For no reason. None. Then a few years later, she is talking to my mom and says there are no good men left, and I NEED to marry him, and how wonderful it is that he is an engineer, blah blah... And even now she goes back and forth, maybe with hormone changes? I don't know.

So, I hope you can laugh at my crazy aunt and feel a little better. Family is family, even if they are nuts!

 

[fieryred33143]

As a fellow Hispanic, I know the tales of the “too dark” Hispanic very well. It’s actually really sad to see that within cultures, there is so much racism.

I know that saying ignore it is easy then actually doing it but honestly, don’t sweat it. It would be different if she had these feelings and your FF is a dirtbag. Right now they have absolutely nothing to base their feelings off of. And most of the time, especially in our cultures, these comments stem from jealousy above anything else.

 

[HollyS]

I don''t recall, offhand, how old you are; but I know what my reaction would be. And it would involve the words F--- Off; complete with exclamation points,

DO NOT let your mother, her sister, your family, or anyone else influence your relationship with your BF if YOU are very sure of him, his character, and his love. Either confront them, and tell them to knock it the H-E-DOUBLE L off, or just simply suck it up and go about your business. But, DO NOT let your disappointment in them get in the way of your happiness with your BF.

 

[Bia]

Just to answer your question HollyS: I am 26. Ordinarily I wouldn''t care. However, they are my family, and I want them to like my BF...he''s an amazing man. Especially since his family is soooo good to me. It hurts me that they came to the conclusion that he''s not good enough even though I love him, and he loves me. I thought they were better than that. I am more ashamed than anything...

 

[bee*]

I haven''t had that happen to me myself Bia but just wanted to send hugs. I know how hard it is when you don''t want to care about someone''s opinion but you really do. She sounds really small minded to not like your bf when she doesn''t even know him. Try not to let her bother you.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Awww Bia. I'm sorry about that.

It's pretty hard when someone says something bad about your guy and you don't feel the same way. When my Mom gets mad at S, she has to tell me all about everything he's ever done wrong (which really isn't anything!) and all about how "If you ever marry him..."

(Think Fred Sanford and his comments....) Of course, I HOPE to think that is only because she is upset and doesn't really feel these things! It still hurts none the less because I want for my Mom to like S. It's very important to me that she does. It's just when he screws something up that she has to let me know about it....lol! She does like him though, she tells me she just worries. (ex. She sent him some things in an email she thought I would like for Christmas. He responded to her and said "yeah, if that's what she wants. But I wouldn't want something that just sits on a shelf and collects dust" to which she got upset and tells me all about how he doesn't want to get me anything for Christmas but he always gets what he wants...he has stuff that sits around and collects dust....if you ever marry him, he will never give you anything)

She doesn't let it go either. I told her I wanted to get him somthing that he asked for but I can only find it online to which she says "Why doesn't he just get it for himself?" lol Oh Lord. I think she is mostly joking though..

Try your best not to worry about it. Or, you could always ask your Aunt what her problem is and maybe get it cleared up? Who knows but ultimately you are the one who loves him and spend the rest of your life with him. Your Aunt only needs to see him on special occasions.

 

[somethingshiny]

I was just passing through when I saw your post. First, I''m sorry you''re going through this. Secondly, the first thing I thought was "wow, all they can come up with to complain about is his ancestry??" Must mean he''s a pretty good guy.

 

[Kismet]

Given the brief history of your Aunt that you shared, I might feel rather comforted that she doesn't approve of him because it seems all the guys she *did* like turned out to be big losers. So tell your Aunt (or have your mother tell her) that, given her track record with men, she wouldn't know a decent guy if he was served up to her on a silver platter.

ETA: Sorry, my inner bitch escaped. You can't change what other people do or say, only your reactions to them. Of course you want your family to like your BF but unfortunately you can't force them to. Your best bet is to be polite and civil when in company with your Aunt and be the better person and hope she comes around because trying to reason with prejudice is usually pretty fruitless.

 

[Bia]

Date: 12/16/2008 3:27:48 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I was just passing through when I saw your post. First, I''m sorry you''re going through this. Secondly, the first thing I thought was ''wow, all they can come up with to complain about is his ancestry??'' Must mean he''s a pretty good guy.

LOL...thanks, he is.

 

[Bia]

Thanks everyone. I so desperately want to ignore it and not let it hurt me...because it doesn't mean anything to our relationship. But it does. It hurts me so much. Its like they can't be thinking of my well being if they are basing their opinion of him on the fact that he's not "white." It's so shallow...how can I be a product of that?! My father said they are all a piece of sh*t, but he's biased because they aren't his side of the family...hehe

.

A really big part of me want to call her out and tell her off, but I don't have the guts. I know if I did that, there would be a big rift...its not worth it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

There will always be ignorance in the world...always...and sometimes it hits closer to home. So, I''m sorry this happening, and that you''re feeling down about it...but, remember that this is her problem, not yours or your dear boyfriends.

It sounds like your Aunt is so far off base that it''s not even funny...if it were me, and this were my Aunt, I''d make a point of telling her that I''m happy, and I love him, and there is nothing she can do or say that will ever change my mind--period. I''d also share with her that her bigoted views are a waste of breath and time, and hopefully someday she''ll get over it...but if not, thats her choice and you''ll always be sorry she''s missing the opportunity to know a really wonderful, stand up guy.

 

[American Girl]

Hi Bia -

This is definitely not a fabulous position to be in... but given your aunts track record, I''m not sure that any guy is going to be perfect for you (or anyone else for that matter). She sounds like a unhappy bitter person, which is actually quite sad. I feel like the best thing you can do (easier said than done I know) is to be a great example, and let your Mr. Wonderful man be an amazing example of just how wrong she can be.

Also - it''s really difficult when a family member doesn''t approve, BUT your immediately family loves him and he absolutely adores you. It sounds like your mom did tell your aunt that he''s a great guy and just wanted to let you know the conversation that went on, instead of trying to cover it up by not saying anything.

The two of you share a love, something so incredibly valuable and these days seems so rare... enjoy each other. Consider each time you see or talk to your aunt as another opportunity to not come down to her level of bitterness (reacting with anger and bitterness only makes you angry and bitter) - instead smile and give him a big kiss lol - tell her that you know that no one is perfect, but isn''t it amazing how close to perfect he is... blah blah blah something like that.

I''ll say a prayer for the two of you... and definitely for your aunt.

 

[Bia]

Should I keep this from him? I'd hate for him to feel this when he's around them, and not know why--although the only time he'll probably ever have to be around them again would be for our wedding (they live in FL). But at the same time, telling him would be so devastating in itself. I don't want him to be left with the idea that he's not ever going to be good enough in the eyes of my family.

I feel like smacking her for making me fight with my mom and esp for making me give this whole thing a second thought...

 

[American Girl]

Bia - do you think he doesn't know? (besides - it sounds like it's your aunt and not your whole family). I'm sure your mom totally understands your frustrations.

I don't know if it's something I would make a big deal out of telling him, not that I would keep it from him. But if she's an aunt that you rarely see... why waste another minute pondering the inner-thoughts of your silly aunt. Maybe tell him that you're worried about her and her happiness... and it's sad that this sort of thing still goes on.

Pick your battles - this seems like one that you've already won without having to put on any armor.

 

[decodelighted]

It sounds like you didn't really have a lot of respect for your Aunt & your Aunt's judgment BEFORE this current incident. Which is even more reason to dismiss her opinion & chalk it up to ignorance/poor judgment.

The other folks in your family ... guess what ... they know her too & chances are they were "onto her" WAY before you were.

They won't be surprised by her prejudice. And, if they're smart & reasonable, they won't hold it against you or your fella either.

You can't choose your family! But you *can* choose your mate. Thank goodness, right!??


ETA: Why are you fighting with your *mother* about this? She's just the messenger! Whether you'd want to know what your aunt was saying or not is a personal choice .. your mom isn't a mind reader. She thought you'd want to know. Don't make her the target of rage that is rightly directed ELSEWHERE.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 12/16/2008 4:20:47 PM
Author: Bia
Should I keep this from him? I''d hate for him to feel this when he''s around them, and not know why--although the only time he''ll probably ever have to be around them again would be for our wedding (they live in FL). But at the same time, telling him would be so devastating in itself. I don''t want him to be left with the idea that he''s not ever going to be good enough in the eyes of my family.

I feel like smacking her for making me fight with my mom and esp for making me give this whole thing a second thought...

Personally, I wouldn''t tell him. Clearly it''ll only hurt him...and whats the point? If they aren''t people you see all the time anyway, then for the small amount of time you have to be with them, why make him feel badly or nervous or insecure? F'' her.

 

[Bia]

American Girl: No, he doesn''t know. When he asked me about it, I told him it was nothing because at the time I just thought she was being herself...

Deco: The fight with my mom was my annoyance with the subject being brought up again. The first time she told me I was able to let it go and just chalk it up to my aunt being a judgmental and close-minded person. But this time around, I felt like the more my mom talks about it, the more it hurts me...I guess I did lash out on her and I know she is upset about the whole thing, on my behalf. I talked to my dad and he told me what you all have already said...and that if its brought up again by my aunt, he will tell her to go to hell himself.

I am trying to let this go but it just bothers me that this is my family. I thought they were better than this. And its not just my aunt, I assume...she likes to "talk" so in all probability, she is talking to my other family members...telling them Im making a mistake, Im sure.

 

[jcarlylew82]

oh my! I am so sorry to hear all that.
While i do think it is starting up some drama that is un-needed, i think its good that your mother told you, becuase at least when you two get engaged, and then married, if you aunt is still being a twit, you''re better prepared.
Fortunately for you, the people who matter in your life love you and your boyf!

 

[katica]

1. On your aunt..
It''s hard to teach an old dog (sorry but this is the way the saying goes) new tricks. In my humble opinion, rather than having a confrontational blow-out it''s better to let her get used to the idea of him with time. But does her opinion really matter that much? You mentioned that your parents love him and they know him much better than she does. I''m sure that any extended family will see that your immediate family likes him and will ignoreyour miserable aunt.
I had a similar situation. My BF is not of a different race, but he''s from a country and culture that is pretty much disliked by everyone from my background. His country conquered and oppressed my country 400 (yes, four HUNDRED) years ago. I was so afraid that even my immediate family would disapprove that I hid him for almost a year. And yes I feel very ashamed of it now. When my family met him they LOVED him right away because even though they still don''t like people of that country generally, they judge individuals on their own merit so they won''t hate individual people. Now my extended family may not feel the same (I don''t really know how they feel) but they''re so far away that I don''t really care. And I don''t think I''d care even if they were closer.
So I would say concentrate on the fact that your immediate family likes him and eventually the aunt will come around.

2. Your mom
I know it''s hard but try not to take it out on your mom. She is your best weapon against your aunt and it''s good to present a united front. So keep her close and try not to fight with her on this.

Sorry to hear you are having these issues. Please keep us updated.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Oh, Bia...(((((BIG HUG!))))

The truth is probably that your aunt is so freaking jealous because she wants a guy like that for herself or your cousin!

My oldest child''s father is from India, so Awstin wound up with the gorgeous olive complexion that turns rich brown in summer, big dark brown eyes, a cleft chin, gorgeous black wavy hair...God help me when this boy becomes a man! I''ll have to beat the girls off of him with a stick! The best part of him (aside from being gorgeous and smart) is that he has such a big heart. So, I can just imagine how handsome your man is.

 

[Bia]

Hi Ladies. Thanks for the support...I really do appreciate it so much. Sometimes things happen and you can''t really see straight, you''re that upset. Your kind words and advice helped me see that its only my problem if I let it be...

I am still really angry. I can''t help it. I guess its because I am not the type that gets over things very easily. I have a tendency to let things fester and I am the best at holding a grudge

...I really do not like that about myself.

I spoke to my brother today and he helped me see things from his perspective. What he said is very true: people see what they want to see, AND no matter who my boyfriend is, or how wonderful he is, some people are going to make assumptions about him based on their own experiences and prejudices...especially our family as they are so hard to please to begin with. All I can do is continue being happy, and my happiness will speak volumes to anyone who questions my choices in life.

As for my auntie: If she doesn''t like it, she can kiss my a$$. I really should stop caring because she isn''t exactly the expert on men or relationships. I should have recognized that immediately after I heard this nonsense but for some reason my family has a way of getting in--dont you hate that?!

Winks_elf: Your son must be beautiful! I think people of mixed races/nationalities/backgrounds make the most interesting people (and gorgeous combinations!) My BF has the most beautiful complexion and eyes that are to die for! AND it is definitely because he''s mixed (Puerto Rican and Greek/Irish...what could be better than that?

)

 

[Lauren8211]

I read your initial post just now, and had lots to say, but now I''ve read the most recent post you made at seems like you''ve got it figured out for the most part.

You can''t make people feel any particular way, obviously, so there''s no use in you getting upset about. However, I realize that family can definitely sneak in to your psyche. Sometimes, what they think or say just hurts more than it normally should.

And yes, she can kiss your @$$!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Hi Bia! I hadn''t wanted to reply because I didn''t want to threadjack, but it sounds like you are at least trying to work things out. DF and I are currently dealing with a similar situation, except it''s his ex and not a family member. There is a very derogatory term for mixed couples in which one is latino. The term is Spic N Span. I had no idea until we actually looked it up...but you can imagine which part is the Spic, the Span refers to "Spanish lover".

Anyhoo- A few months back the kids came back from a visit to BMs and they kept saying that they were members of the: Avid Haters of the Spic N Span. DF and I thought it was a reference to them cleaning their room!!!!! But later, DF received a comment on his MySpace page and they have signatures the way PS does and his said the same thing: Avid Haters of the Spic and Span...so we googled it and looked it up in Urban Dictionary. Then we found that DFs ex signed all her comments that way, too! So we printed the stepson''s page, and we are saving that for the rumored custody battle that will take place after we are married...

Hang in there, it''s tough to deal with and it''s especially hard when you are in love and want everyone in the world to feel the love only to be faced with hatred. you should really just feel sorry for them and realize that in the end, THEY are the ones that are missing out on a terrific relationship with your guy.

I send you many hugs.

 

[musey]

OH jeez, what a bummer

I''m sorry you''re going through this, it can be so frustrating when those who are important to you can''t see what you see in him. You have to trust your own judgment and feelings and hope they''ll come around... unfortunately doing much else will probably just make them think you''re being unreasonable and using poor judgment. Totally unfair, but that''s the way it often rides, unfortunately.

Stick it out, I bet they''ll come around eventually!