The Despair! I Think FI and I are Incompatible . . .

[Haven]

when it comes to buying a home.

He prefers: two storeys, a finished basement, several small separated rooms with large flat walls for his television. (Okay, he only wants one or two rooms for a tv, but I couldn''t resist.)

I prefer: ranches, open layouts, a lot of windows and excellent natural light.

We are home-incompatible! The horror!

Did anyone else experience this when buying their first home together? Until this weekend we didn''t really have any problems with this because we were looking at homes that FI loved, because most homes in our desired area have two storeys and a basement. And then we found it. THE home. At least, as far as I''m concerned. I knew it the moment we walked in. FI knew it, too; he started shaking his head and chuckling because he knew I was going to fall in love. Now I''m smitten and he''s not. And for the first time in all the months we''ve been searching I''ve found a home I absolutely love and I''m quite upset that he doesn''t like it.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How much did each of you end up compromising?

Thanks!

 

[diamondfan]

Can you get a splanch house? (split level ranc?!) Or build one that is half your way and half his! JK...Not sure how to resolve that one. Maybe one day you guys will just see one, totally not of either of your total liking, and it will be the one!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I''m with your FI on this one, but atleast you know what he likes.
When my parents were buying their first home together, they agreed on a nice old part of town (they hate suburbs with no trees or history). Beyond that my dad said very little about what he wanted. My mom kept picking houses to look at in this oner neighborhood called "country club". My dad never said anything but never liked the houses either. Finally she got mad and asked him what the problem was and he answered "Wynn, I am a Montana boy, I can''t live in a place called country club". This was after they looked at a dozen houses there!
My mom liked modern house and my dad liked old neighborhoods and they finally agreed on a place that was a modern house in an established area and have been there since 1985.

My point is, keep looking. It make take a moment of epiphany, but you will find a place you are both happy with.

 

[lyra]

I''ve had, I dunno, 5 or 6 houses now. One was a ranch. Had basements in 2 houses. My DH told me men like basements and extra hidey holes just to "get away from everything". No clear definition of "everything". Kids when you have them, or just at least having "men dens", you know? That''s what I think is happening. Maybe a ranch with a basement? It''s not about you, or your relationship. It''s just this urge they have, honestly.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

We are currently living this situation, Haven. We''ve seen about 65-70 homes now, and of those, we both have loved only one. JUST ONE!

It''s a matter of just continuing to look, to compromise. Of the one that we did love and make an offer on, there were aspects that I didn''t love (the kitchen was small, it wasn''t exactly on a flat piece of land, etc.) and aspects that he didn''t love (some of the "girly" aspects of the home--decor that would stay with the home, curtains, etc.), but somehow, all together, it looked like home to us.

Our theory is that if it happened once, it will happen again. So, we''ve decided not to settle unless we have to (once our month-to-month extension on our lease ends) and to continue looking for a place where we can both be happy. It''s just such a huge purchase, and it''s the place you come to every day, looking to feel comfortable, and it needs to be just that for both of us.

We have made lists of what we each love, what we hate, and what we could compromise in a home (size of lot, size of bedrooms, floor plans, fireplace or not, secluded area or by the freeway, wooded lot or not, dining room or not, feel of the neighborhood, amount of remodeling the home would need, etc.). Then we combined lists and now we have a pretty clear idea of what we want. When we see it, we''ll know. A few have come close and one we may make an offer on soon; but it''s not really "hit" us yet. I think it''s just like that for some people. Some can be happy with anything, others need the feeling that you''ve come home when you see a house. We want that feeling, and we''ll find it.

You will, too! Focus in on what you like, feel like you have to have, and where you can give a little (on both sides!!) and then let your realtor know. They can be really great at picking out places to meet both your needs. Then it''s just a matter of finding the one with the right vibe in your price range.

Yeah, it sounds so simple, huh? Haha... patience is testing me in this hunt.

Good luck to you, Haven!!

 

[Haven]

Thanks for your encouraging responses, everyone!

Fisher--we''ve seen 64 homes by appointment, and goodness only knows how many open houses we''ve been to since we started searching. It really is exhausting, and to be honest we didn''t realize just how different our definitions of "home" are until the last month or so. I''m drawn to every older home with what I call character, and FI is drawn to every typical suburban two storey home that looks just like all the other homes on the block. I think our upbringings may have something to do with it--I grew up in the suburbs, and FI was raised in an apartment in the city, so he equates multiple storeys with a "real house" and I have an aversion to subdivision homes that all look the same. (I was raised in a very unique home, even though it is in the suburbs.)

Oh, bah. The whole process is really quite trying, and as much as I try, it''s so hard to fall in love with a home and just pass it by. (I know, poor me. At least we can buy a home. I should be eternally grateful for that. And I am, really. I''m just having a moment.)

 

[door knob solitaire]

Yeah...call your agent tomorrow...and use the term SPLANCH...

tell her it has to be a SPLANCH...I bet you in a hour she will call you back having found one!

I have an acquaintance that bought a house....(sprawling ranch actually...). Spent months remodeling it. Lots of trips to the dumpster out front...noise ~ hammering etc...Neighbor across the street thought it might go well to introduce herself...and nonchalantly express her schedule and maybe convince the noise to cease at 10:pm...

Long story short...they fell in love. And married. He lives across the street in a sprawling contemporary ranch...she remained in her two story Tudor style with her beloved antiques. Somewhere in the night...they cross or pass in the street...but it works! You don''t have to go to that extreme...honest.

Haven...you are going to find this is one of many roadblocks, you''ll find your way around it. Just keep on expressing your wishes. Can you help him visualise a mans den anywhere in that house? Sometimes it is as simple as suggesting where his private space will be...look honey, with black out curtains in this southern facing room, we''ll be able to make you a dark theater room that is separate and private from the kitchen area where I hope to spend my time. I will paint the walls a dark hue...put theater surround sound here and here...Sometimes they just need a little suggestion...to tell them what YOU want. Er I mean what THEY want! (sorry...just trying to help...we are most compatable in design...and now we have decided all we really want is a cardboard box and a sleeping bag and a spot overlooking the pacific ocean. Yard work is killing us!) If you really want that house that bad...don''t give up. Keep on squeaking!

OH, Please, don''t start a thread with a title like this one again...I gasped in unbelief!

 

[pennquaker09]

I definitely think that you will find something that both of you want. When my partner and i went home shopping, we really couldn''t find anything that we liked and in the end, we just chose something. He comes from Atlanta where they have huge mansions, and then where I grew up has very classical looking architecture. I can''t think of another place in the south that has as many Tudors as Mountain Brook.

I have to say that, I agree with you AND him. I definitely love lots of windows and some open concept living areas. However, I also would like any house I live in to have two or more stories. I like for living and sleeping areas to be separated.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Well, we both fell in love with our house immediately from the outside- when we spotted the sale sign we were determined to have it.

When we actually viewed the inside, I did not love it. I didn''t even like it, to be honest. It didn''t have any of the features I love (and expected, based on the exterior). DH didn''t see any of the negatives that I did, he just wanted to live there. It''s a Victorian house, all on one level, with a lot of quite small rooms and a slightly confusing layout. DH is an architect and promised that he would restore it and make it just exactly what I wanted, since the basics were there and I just couldn''t see them...

Anyway, we bought it, because the house we were living in was a nightmare and I wanted to move like yesterday. Five years on (five years tomorrow, actually) I''ve grown to love the house as much as he does. It still isn''t what I''d pick if I was left to my own devices, but part of it is that I love how happy he is here and how much he loves this strange little house. He has done some of the promised work (I got fed up waiting for a bathroom and went crazy there with a contactor. Massive hole blown in my savings but it looks fabulous!) and I''m happier with it than I ever expected to be from the first viewing of the interior.

It isn''t what I thought of when I thought of my dream house but it''s evolved or maybe I have and I can''t imagine living anywhere else now. Not least because I''d have to move without my husband. I can''t see anything much persuading him to leave here!

 

[plantationcatt]

Some encouragement...my husband and I close in two weeks on a house we have come to love. When we first glanced over it, it was in a great neighborhood with a decent price. So I showed it to the husband who promptly said, "Heck no! That is the ugliest house I''ve ever seen." It was built in the 70''s, not the best aesthetics. But the layout inside is great, there is lots of light, and we can always paint. Plus even though the house is a little weird, it is very unique. Well go figure, now we''ve bought it. And we like it. I would say, both of you keep an open mind, because sometimes the house can suprisingly work for both of you.

(But I''d stay away from the cookie cutter houses myself...I work in the planning field, and am just plain tired of seeing the same thing over and over and over. And a lot of times newer construction isn''t built as well, or the drainage is poor. Not to say older neighborhoods don''t have their problems...)

Would a garage/workshop with a finished space above to hang out appease his basement idea? You could always add that to a property. (Check the covenants & restrictions & get a permit first!)

 

[sumbride]

Oh boy did we! Our real estate agent had quite a time with us... I wanted "character" and he wanted "BRAND SPANKING NEW" because somehow he got it in his head that a new home wouldn''t have any problems. Ha. Yeah... they just haven''t been found yet.

We started looking in some newer developments before I said "If you take me into another faux-colonial modern construction particle board tinderbox they call a townhouse I swear to god it''s over." Strangely, that worked.

So we started looking at ROWHOUSES, as in they were built 100 years ago out of brick and they have "character". Well, most of them also had leaks and code violations and bizarre things done to the facade sometime in the 1950s. (Baltimore calls it Formstone. I call it "concrete rocks".)

That wasn''t working either, until SUDDENLY we found an area that had old homes that had been renovated. So many of them were too modern for me. I didn''t want an open floating staircase or a concrete kitchen floor. I didn''t want to look at the electrical lines, but I didn''t mind the old brick. So when our agent took us into what became our home, he knew immediately that we would love it... I got original flooring, original banister, exposed brick and beautiful transoms. He got an open floor plan in the main level, new plumbing and new wiring. It was new and old. We bought it. And guess what? Until last week that brand new roof LEAKED. ha.

I still love it though.

Keep looking! Hopefully you''ll find a compromise. Figure out which elements of a home you want the most and you may find them in a style of home you hadn''t thought of.

(and for what it''s worth, I said last night that I despise the SPLANCH. Just personal opinion really. DH is theoretically due to inherit one eventually and though I love the property, I want to tear the house down.)

 

[decodelighted]

"Character"??? ABANDON!!! ABANDON!!!!! Tilt ... sputter ... groan ... grind to a painful halt. DO NOT WANT!

I say this as the regretful owner of a CRUMBLING COTTAGE full UP of so-called "character". Also -- parts falling off of it DAILY. Surfaces that haven't been clean since the 1700s. CENTURIES of funk growing moldy and toxic just under the cozy, dare-I-say "charming" veneer.

Right after I start & stop my public service work re: proper word usage I am *totes* (

) gonna go picket in front of charming FOR SALE abodes across this great land & try to prevent the HEARTACHE and FINANCIAL RUIN I've subjected myself, a pack of pets & my poor, patient now-husband to.

 

[Haven]

Thank you for your responses.

diamondfan--I love the splanch! (Although in my Chicago accent that word sounds quite offensive, I must say. Spl-a-a-a-a-a-nch. I wish I had a better regional tongue.)

brazen--Your father sounds like a patient man! I'm hoping we'll have that epiphanous moment, although after all these months and homes, I was sort of hoping it would have happened by now.

lyra--The voice of wisdom and experience! I definitely understand what you mean about the hidey holes--my FI is really keen on having a place to escape to when he wants to get away. I completely understand it's not about me, and frankly, I like my space too. I just like it to be surrounded by a lot of wide, open space and windows!

DKS--I am going to use "splanch." I've always wanted to introduce a new word to the English language, perhaps this will be it! Your friend's story is absolutely the most charming thing I've ever heard! I love it! And that two-house setup might be just the ticket we're looking for.
I'm going to use your advice about painting a picture of "his" den--there's a separate family room that I already told him could be all his, but perhaps if I add some splashy details like dark walls and drawn shades that will entice him.
I'm sorry about the title! I just couldn't resist!

penn--I have seen pictures of your home here on PS, and it is STUNNING! Thank you for the encouragement, I was very discouraged after our last "shopping" trip, and it's good to know we aren't the only couple with such diverse home needs.

Mrs M--How wonderful that you both like your house, and that your husband loves it so very much!

plantationcatt--Thank you for the encouragement. I hope my FI will turn around like your husband did. This house I love, (which I just typed out as "my house" if I'm honest) sounds much like yours--great layout, lots of light. I'm also averse to cookie cutter homes. I grew up surrounded by them in the northern suburbs of Chicago, actually they're more accurately described as "cookie cutter McMansions" because they're these giant homes that all look the same. Gah.

And yes, an addition would absolutely appease my FI. Just last night we discussed that and he said that's all he'd need to be happy. (That's ALL. Oy.)

sum--You and your FI sound like us! I love your description for the newer development homes! Your home sounds beautiful, I'm so glad you found it and love it. Thank you for the support!

deco--I hear you, honey, I really do! I ADORE cottages, and there are quite a few available cottages on the north shore, but our realtor, our fathers, and basically everyone else we know has effectively scared us away from those lovely cottages because of all the reasons you've listed. Thank you for the kind warning, I appreciate it.

So, as we stand right now, my FI (being the kind, patient, and open-minded soul that he is) has an appointment to return to thehousewithwhichIamsmitten to take another look. He conceded that perhaps he'd like it the second time around, and he knows how much I love it, so that doesn't hurt, either.

More details about the house:
- It's in our "ideal" location. We want to move to the north shore. This house is in our ideal town. Real estate is incredibly expensive there, so to find a great house in the 400K range is really incredible. Almost impossible. Most homes for 400K are called "Handyman Specials" or "Great rehab or teardown opportunity" in the listings.
- It's 1325 sq ft of living space with a one car garage. That's it.
- Our realtor went to the powers-that-be and discovered that we could add on for a total of 3400 sq ft of living space, not basements. We don't want nearly that much space, so that's great.
- It's purdy. I love it. It is thehousewithwhichIamsmitten.

The thing is, when we walked through that house I saw us, and not the ethereal qualities that represent us, I mean us--the future us--making a home there. I saw the future us cuddling up on a future us couch watching future us movies, and hanging future us pictures with future us children. I saw our families streaming in to celebrate future us holidays. And I saw the happy future us that I had yet to be able to picture in any other home. I saw a whole life evidence itself between those walls, in those rooms, kissed by that sunlight, surrounded by that large piece of snow-blanketed land. I saw it. And now that I've seen it, I'm having a hard time letting that go.

If FI decides that he likes this home, and we decide to put in an offer, we're going to go out and buy a mezzuzah for the front door. My parents did that before they bought their first house. They wanted the house so badly, and they figured that G-d (or the deity of your choice) wouldn't allow them to buy the mezzuzah if they weren't going to get that house. And they got it. And I grew up in it. And they still live there to this day. And they all lived happily ever after. So I'm going to try to work that magic for us, too.

Thanks again for all of your kind words.

ETA: And deco--I meant to add that I could just see "my" Tallulah frolicking about in that great big yard! It was made for her!

 

[diamondfan]

Hey, a splanch is a real real estate term!!!! I heard many brokers in So. Cal. use it.

 

[monarch64]

Haven, sorry I didn''t respond quicker to this thread...but it sounds like you''ve found "your house." I love the description you gave of how you could see major life occurrences happening within the walls of the home you found, I really hope you buy that house because it sounds perfect for you!

Just wanted to say that when DH and I started looking for our first house about 4 years ago, he wanted a ranch with a basement, and I wanted...anything besides a ranch! I wanted something TALL, or two-stories, for many reasons. He mainly was concerned that he could have basement space to himself. We saw only 13 houses (I tried on only 13 wedding gowns til I found the one...coincidentally). When we walked into our current home, I really did "just know" that it was the one, and he agreed. It did help that it had a partially-finished basement and was less than 10 minutes from his parents'' house, hee hee!

We definitely went through our share of disagreements over what kind of house we wanted when we were looking, no doubt about it. We grew up in completely different living situations, and that contributed to our disagreements. But in the end, we were able to really make a great compromise that made us both happy. Sounds like you and your FI have been able to do that as well. Best of luck to you, Evanston is a wonderful city full of beautiful homes and neighborhoods!

 

[Haven]

Diamondfan--I had no idea! How funny!

monarch--Thank you for your kind words! I''m so happy to hear that you two found "your" house, it sounds like you both knew it, too. (And what a coincidence with the 13 dresses and 13 homes--I love that.)

OKAY, here''s the update:

FI went back to the housewithwhichIamsmitten today with his brother, sister-in-law, father, my father, our very good family friend who is like a second mother to me, and of course, our realtor. (I know, we''re crazy. We''re both so close to our families that we tend to travel in packs rather than pairs.)

The result . . .

THEY ALL LOVED THE HOUSE! And that includes my fiance. He is singing a completely different tune today. I think it helped for him to hear his father and brother say the house was nice despite the missing basement. In fact, he wants to figure out a game plan for making an offer!

I''M SO EXCITED! We''re going to meet with our mortgage broker to discuss all the details and get an approval!