Take-two Marriages

[MissWishfulThinking]

Hello all,

I''m relatively new - signed up to the LIW list a couple of days ago when I found this site, and have been browsing a lot of the threads. I have a question and would love to see if anyone else is in the same boat / can relate...

I''m turning 30 this year, I''ve been with my OH for 3.5yrs (he''s turning 40), we''ve lived together for 18mths and bought a home together in December. He has two kids and an ex-wife. I get along well with his two boys who we have to stay twice a week, and things are amicable with his ex (all five of us had breakfast round our dining table this morning for his eldest son''s birthday!).

I have wanted to get married and have a family since I was a little girl. My OH has always said he''d love to marry again and have more children with me. I''ve had baby fever increasingly over the last couple of years - worsening now we''ve moved to somewhere that appears to be having a baby boom (recession related...

?), but my thoughts on marriage are far less consistent....

One day I''ll be so excited, totally unable to wait for us to commit to life together and do so in front of all our friends and family.

The next day I''ll be questioning the meaning of marriage and particularly second marriages: how can someone say forever twice? Why get married if he has first hand experience that it doesn''t have to be for life? His wedding was a great day at an amazing venue - how will I stop myself from comparing everything to what he has done in the past? Will some of his friends not bother coming to a second wedding, making the day less fun? Will he be excited about it, or less so because he''s done it all before?

And then the next day I''m all excited about it again....

My OH is very patient and answers all my questions, but then another couple of months later I can''t seem to help asking them all again. And then he''s patient again...

Anybody else in this situation and like this, or am I in my own sad little confused world??!!

 

[ilovesparkles]

I don''t know much, and I am sorry you are so worried about it all. What I do know, is from my mom, and her family and friends wanted to make a bigger deal out of it than she did. She didn''t want to burden people with showers and what not. But everyone ELSE wanted one to celebrate with her! Thats all I know. Hopefully someone on here will know more. Welcome and good luck with it all!

 

[Erin]

My wedding day will be about me and my beloved. I can''t make everyone happy. I can''t ensure it will all go to plan. And I certainly can''t worry about everyone else''s opinion. The day is for him and I, and it will be incomparable to any other day.

 

[LadyBlue]

I understand how are you feeling. Just tried to think that he loves you and that he truthly wants to be with you forever.

Tried to think and if what you really want is to be married and have a family with him, and if he feels the same way. Why to stop that happiness for something that happen on the past.

 

[Winks_Elf]

What does OH mean?

Why are you comparing what you''ll have with him to what he had with his ex-wife? She''s the EX. Obviously things didn''t work out with them for whatever reason. Don''t be jealous of his first wedding day.

I''m engaged, and we''re having to postpone the wedding for financial reasons, but my fiance has never been married, and this will be my third marriage! BOTH times the marriage ended because my ex''s were both cheaters. The first time I was young and naiive. The second time we had a child together and as much as I loved him we had a child together - I wanted to do the right thing, despite my gut instincts. Does that mean I don''t deserve to have a wonderful wedding with my fiance? I upheld my vows, and have a clear conscious.

Unless you were the reason your SO''s first marriage broke up, the wedding day should be a joyous occasion. His friends and family will be very happy for you both. It''s not a competition.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

We are in the same boat. This is my first marriage and his second. Have you thought that he is probably more sure of his choices now than he was when he was much younger?

Often times people say that they will never marry again and then someone comes along that they can see themselves with and everything changes. It''s these same people who are often much more confident in their choices because they are finally happy with who they are.

I don''t know if you plan to take any pre-marital classes, but those are very helpful as well. FI and I are learning so much more about each other and I think choosing each other seems much more like an inevitability than before. I really feel like he was always who I was supposed to marry and that is the sole reason that my other relationships never worked out. He mirrored that thought when he told me that if he could build a time machine, he would go back to himself at 18 with a picture of us happy and in love and tell himself "Just WAIT, I promise, it''s worth it!" I laughed when he said that, but secretly I was thrilled that he sees the same thing I see: That we were always meant for each other, we just hadn''t found each other yet!

 

[poshpepper]

My hubby was married once before me (my first marriage).
For him it wasn''t about getting married for a second time, it was about marrying me for the first time (if that makes sense).
I was not worried with comparing the two weddings (made easier by the fact that I do not know about his first wedding ceremony).
I say try to put it out of your mind and think that he is marrying you for the first time, it is still a first for him and it will be a great day for both of you.

 

[aveda6]

Just to add a male perspective...I was married before and it didn''t work out. We met when we were in highschool and managed to stay together for 18 years (13 years of marriage) and had a wonderful son. In the end our marriage fell apart and, after a very tough year, we ended up remaining friends and sharing custody of my son. After the divorce I had no intention of marrying anytime soon. I figured, "I knew this person since high school and it still didn''t work, how could I meet someone now and expect it to work?" It took a while to come to grips with everything and to date a few people that were a bit scary but in the end, I met someone completely unexpected and after about a year, I knew this relationship would be different. We were engaged two weeks ago. Now, do I know, without a doubt, that it will work this time? No, but I also know that I have to take a chance and trust what I''ve learned over the years. I feel more confident this time around and I feel like I''ve learned so much from the errors in my first marriage that I can improve upon in this relationship.

I don''t compare the two relationships. They are each their own experience and although I have been married (and therefore in a wedding already) I am looking forward to this wedding in a completely different way. I''m much older now and have had many life experiences in between.

I think it can work when one person has been marred as long as you''re both honest and upfront about your concerns. I wish you the best of luck....

 

[LaraOnline]

You sound like me, hung up on issues that others don''t ''get''.
I am *still fretting* about how I physically risked having kids with guys that I was ''dating''

before I met my husband.

I always wanted to do the right thing ethically, and just could not relax and rely on birth control as a means of allowing me to ''live the life I wanted'', with the level of involvement (or not) that allowed me to maximise my experiences and choices.

Not helped by the fact that my first SO had a secret love child from an earlier relationship that I didn''t even learn about until I finally broke up with him!

My big sister, also, had an unplanned pregnancy, which she continued with, and it really determined her life choices in a big way...

I felt ethically confused by being involved with boyfriends with no ring on my finger! I felt like an irresponsible woman, an unfashionable position that is still completely unresolved for me. It seemed obvious... why ''be with'' someone unless you are properly prepared for the inevitable outcome?

Other people don''t feel that way about physical relationships, they are either happy with the risk, or happy to rely emotionally and physically on artificial birth control. Like being in an aircraft, I guess!

I guess it''s the same with second marriages. If the pair of them are resolved, it''s all water under the bridge, why should you feel differently?

Life can be as complicated or as simple as your brain will allow it to be.

Do you think you should see a counsellor about why you feel the way you do?

I''m not sure I''ll ever be able to overcome my ''ethical dilemma'' about previous experiences... but perhaps sharing with others will help you see that many of us have deeper and probably unresolvable issues that are in many ways purely an intellectual response to the lives and cultural frameworks we must work within.

 

[MissWishfulThinking]

Thank you so much everyone!!

ilovesparkles - I do worry a lot about everything, I''ve always been told that!

My only experience is my Dad''s - a tiny wedding, not in the country, to which at first we three daughters were not invited "only family invited"... so what are your daughters?? That possibly started my sometimes negative view of second marriages off in the first place! I didn''t go in the end, which ten years later I don''t regret as such, but I''m sorry I wasn''t there. But that''s great to hear about how it wasn''t like that at all for your mom, thank you.

starset princess and gaby - very sound ways of thinking! Wish I could always be so rational - I do sometimes think along those lines... but then I worry again... thank you, perhaps if I reread these logical comments it will sink in a bit!

winks elf - I meant other half! I compare because it''s so easy - she''s always around so I can see that she''s a great mother, a great cook, she''s very confident, she''s set up her own business and launched a local school, and they have two decades of history together and all their friends are shared. I know he loves me, but sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel insignificant.

His friends and family are already happy for him, and even his ex has told me she and their two boys can see how much happier he is with me. So I should just keep making him happy!

wannaBMrsH - He married when he had just turned 24, which is very young - so you''re probably right. I took a lot of parenting classes before meeting his boys a couple of years ago, but I don''t know about pre-marital classes, never heard of them! Perhaps I''ll look into those.

poshpepper - I LOVE THAT PHRASE! Thank you! If he were to propose, he''d be marrying me for the first time. That is going to be etched into my brain...

aveda - Thanks so much for adding a male perspective! Your story sounds remarkably like my OH''s!! Met in highschool... 18yrs... 13yrs... son (well he has two). My OH also says he doesn''t compare at all - I think men generally don''t, and I''m assuming from the responses here that most women don''t either! Thank you for your best wishes.

lara - Thanks so much for your story. I wish I could get my brain to allow my life to be simple! I have been seeing counsellors about self-esteem - it''s very hard to keep doing all the exercises once I''m not there every week having my progress checked though. Definitely agree - it''s purely an intellectual response to a cultural framework: second marriages now are very much the norm, but I still seem to have part of me stuck in the time when they were not, and were supposed to be subdued, slightly embarrassing occasions.

Thank you all so much for your stories and words of wisdom. I don''t really know anybody in a similar situation, so it''s really, really helpful to hear from all of you.

Please keep them coming if there are more out there!!

 

[lucyandroger]

MissWishfulThinking,

At first I read your post and moved on because I didn''t have any advice to give but then I came across this on a website for a wedding officiant and it made me think of you:

One couple who came to me both had come from previous
marriages that didn''t work out. They did not want the same
vows either had said to someone else. Together, we created
a ceremony that was elegant and romantic without sounding
like anything they had said before to other people. I even
helped them find touching, memorable ways to include the
bride''s and groom''s children!

So maybe that could work for you. You and your OH can create completely new vows that he has never ever said to anyone else.

 

[Winks_Elf]

From what you said about his ex, ANYONE with any kind of insecurity would feel like they have to measure up to his ex. You may even be subconsciously thinking that if it doesn''t work out between you and your SO, that she may be "waiting in the wings." Its great that you all get along, but how do you balance time alone with him if she''s always around? Is she around just a little too much?