Take me off the list...I can''t be here anymore

[Parsley]

Hi girls
It really pains me to do it but I have to. I need to be taken off the list, and leave PS. Last night H and I came within millimeters of breaking up...at a couple of points I thought we had. I''d forgotten what that pain felt like, wish to god I''d never been reminded. We''ve been going through some really tough times recently, mainly because I have mild depression which has been causing me to act so unlike me. I can''t take a joke and take things to heart too easily. I think I''ve got my head in a dream world and I need to get it out of there as soon as possible, and that has to start with me forgetting the idea of getting married, and concentrate on getting back to myself and working on my relationship. I''ve got to tell you girls, I''ve never been more scared in my life, both last night and now. We seemed to figure it out last night, but I''m still on tenterhooks as to how things are going to pan out over the next few months, I''m so terrified that I''ll try my best and it just won''t be enough to keep him. I love him so much, but he''s close to falling out of love with me.

So, with the heaviest heart imaginable, I''ve got to leave you all. I may be back in the near future to ask you all some questions related to my dissertation, but that''s going to be it. I feel so sad that I won''t get to see all your lovely sparklies as they finally arrive, and all your beautiful wedding pictures when they happen! I love you all, you''ve been such amazing friends, and I wish I could turn to you now but it''s a kinda catch 22 type thing...

The most love and the biggest hugs
Parsley
xxx

 

[vc10um]

Oh Parsley!!! I''m so sorry to hear this! I hope you have worked everything out like you''ve said.

(((HUGS))) and ***DUST*** to you that everything works out the way it''s suppose to, and for you to get healthy again!

Hopefully we''ll see your smiling posts around here again in the future, even if it *is* just for dissertation questions!!!

All my best to you and B.

<3
V

 

[CNOS128]

Oh Parsley, I''m sorry you''re hurting. Hopefully a break and some time to heal yourself will be just what you need to get back on track. I hope you find some peace and happiness.


Take care!

 

[AustenNut]

Hi Parsley,

I understand how PS and the LIW forums can exacerbate existing tensions within a relationship, and even help create some. I totally respect your decision to pull away from the PS boards, even though we''ll miss you.

I wish you the best of luck in trying to get back to yourself and in a place where you feel healthy and happy. But before you leave I did just want to caution you about something you said in your post. Last night H and I came within millimeters of breaking up...at a couple of points I thought we had. I''d forgotten what that pain felt like, wish to god I''d never been reminded...I''ve never been more scared in my life, both last night and now. We seemed to figure it out last night, but I''m still on tenterhooks as to how things are going to pan out over the next few months, I''m so terrified that I''ll try my best and it just won''t be enough to keep him. I love him so much, but he''s close to falling out of love with me.

Just make sure that if you decide to remain in this relationship, it''s because you find it fulfilling and are happy within it, not because you''re scared of the pain of breaking up. You deserve to be with someone who is thrilled to be with you and not be in constant fear that you don''t measure up.

Best of luck and lots of ((((((((hugs))))))))

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Parsley - I am so sorry that you are hurting and also hope that the break helps you to get some perspective and heal. I wish you nothing but the best and hope to see you around here again. Take care of yourself! *hugs*

 

[jewelz617]

"I''ve never been more scared in my life, both last night and now. We seemed to figure it out last night, but I''m still on tenterhooks as to how things are going to pan out over the next few months, I''m so terrified that I''ll try my best and it just won''t be enough to keep him. I love him so much, but he''s close to falling out of love with me."

You''re living a miserable existence because you want to be the perfect girl for a guy who doesn''t even know if he loves you anymore? When the focus of the relationship becomes "the relationship" it''s time to bail. Please don''t lose who you are as an individual because you want to hang on to a guy. Your health, happiness and sanity do not rely on anyone else but you. Waiting on pins and needles to be chosen is only damaging your self esteem and sense of self worth. You deserve a guy who loves you for exactly who you are, not who you''re pretending to be just to preserve the relationship or to get him to marry you.

It''s good you''re taking a break. Relationships are supposed to be a wonderful, happy thing, not a race to the altar in which you lose yourself on the way there. Best of luck!

 

[fuzzers]

Just want to offer you ((hugs)), Parsley. We''ll miss you around here, and hope you check back sometime. Good luck to you and your current situation. Stay strong!!

 

[anchor31]

Take care of yourself, Parsley. Focus on yourself and on getting better, don''t feel guilty about it! Wishing you well.

 

[TooPatient]

Good luck Parsley.

Take care of yourself and do things to make YOU happy with yourself.

 

[Snicklefritz]

So sorry things have been difficult for you lately, parsley. I think it''s a good idea to spend some time working on yourself, and if taking a break from PS will make that easier, then I wish you well. But know that you''ll be welcome back when you''re ready to return.

 

[oddoneout]

Sorry to hear about this. Make sure you concentrate on you.

 

[Dreamgirl]

You have to do what is best for yourself. I wish you all the luck in the world!

 

[princessplease]

I''m sorry you are going through this. ::HUGS:: You have to do what''s best for you and only you. ::HUGS::

 

[lilyfoot]

Parsley, I have to agree with Austen & jewelz.

I hope nothing but the best for you. If this relationship does not work out, please don''t blame yourself. It takes two people to make a relationship work, you can not make everything better by yourself.

I hope you are able to come back and hang out with us in the future

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/8/2009 5:07:14 AM
Author:Parsley
*Do you hurt, but still feel alive like never before?*

Parsley,
Your signature quote has haunted me. Is your relationship making you "hurt but feel alive like never before"? Because that description, on its face, sounds A LOT like the cycle of emotional abuse. That added to the fact that you seem to think you have to "be good" and "fix everything" in order to keep him from "falling out of love with you" .... worrisome to say the least.

Take care of yourself! If anything I''ve said resonates -- read up on those issues more please.

 

[HopeDream]

Hugs Parsley!

I hope you feel better soon and get your life back on track.
Sounds like a break would be good, and I hope you''ll come back and hang out with us again soon!

 

[nkarma]

I am sorry. Definitely work on yourself AND see a doctor.

Unless I read the post wrong, the reason they have to work on the relationship is because she has mild depression and has been acting out on that causing him to question her/them. You need to work on yourself along with a good doctor and your BF. If he has agreed to do that and is a considerate, supportive man, definitely keep him.

 

[luckynumber]

HUGS APLENTY

 

[misskitty]

All the best to you, Parsley. Take care of yourself!

 

[kittybean]

I''m so sorry to hear you''re hurting, Parsley.

One word of advice: remember that it''s okay to want to get married. Wanting marriage is not a bad thing--please don''t let your boyfriend make you feel like that is a problem. It''s important not to lose yourself on the way to the altar, but it is also important that your wants and needs are met in your relationship. While marriage is the most serious commitment a person can make, and therefore shouldn''t be taken lightly, it''s okay to want to have that commitment from the person you love most. Sometimes I feel like women (and men!) today are pressured to repress their need for marriage and commitment and are made to feel like it''s a bad thing. It''s not.

You mentioned that you need to begin by "forgetting the idea of getting married." I hope you don''t really forget. You might need to put it aside for the time being as you focus on your mental health, but there is no need for you to wait forever for him to decide whether your best is "good enough" for him. If he falls out of love with you . . . it would be awful and heartbreaking, but wouldn''t it be worse if you kept trying and trying to please someone that doesn''t care for you in the same way? I know this isn''t where you are right now, but I hope you take my words as food for thought at some point down the line.

In the meantime, I hope you start feeling happier and better all around soon. Remember that the PS community is here for you should you change your mind. Lots of hugs to you!

 

[MrsHToBe]

I''m so sorry to hear this, Parsley!
*big hugs*, and all the best.. hope to see you around again!

 

[Luckyeshe]

((((HUGS)))) We''re gonna miss you around here. I wish you the very best! But I understand you need to do this for yourself and your relationship. Good luck on everything, Parsley!

 

[Parsley]

Than you all so much for all your kind words. I gave myself a few days and have let myself pop back just so that you know all the lovely things you said have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated!

Since then, things have been shockingly better. I say shockingly, because I expected it to be awkward or something the day after...but it really wasn''t. When I posted to you I had had to get up for uni before him, and left him sleeping so I didn''t know what was going on. I got texts from him during my day saying he was sorry for the things he had said, that he hadn''t meant to scare me how he had. When I got back in he held me so tightly, and apologised for making me feel like that, which seemed to wash away any fear I had, and made me feel more optimistic. Thrashing out all our stuff that night seems to have made a massive difference to the both of us. I''m finding it easier to take jokes and be lighthearted and just...normal. And he''s been amazing too - he''s never ever really been one for PDAs, even in front of our housemates in the front room, and this week he''s been hugging and kissing me in the kitchen, and pulling me into the sofa with him so we hug while watching tv. This may not seem like much to other people..but this is like gold dust for me. It''s like when we were first together again, and it''s amazing.

Just want to give some replies to people before I go.

AustenNut - thank you so much for caring so much! I''ve seriously thought about this over the past month or so, when we were going through our worst times, and decided that while it hurt so much then, it was something I was sure we could work through, and something I was going to fight tooth and nail for! I''m not going to give up on something because it gets a little hard. I''m also not going to let myself get dragged down. If it turns again I won''t fight a break up, but I''m also going to fight to make sure that doesn''t happen.

Jewelz - thank you! I''m not miserable with him. I was miserable because of all kinds of factors over the past year (that we managed to discuss that night) and he''s always been the person to bring me up. I was just not letting him do what he does best.

Decodelighted - Have no fear. My signature quote is from one of my favourite songs, Sophia by Nerina Pallot. It has been my signature for years on various forums, since H and I got together. We were long distance at first, and it summed up how I felt during that - I was hurting because I was away from the person I loved so much, the person that made me feel so much more alive than ever before.

nkarma - I have seen a doctor, we''re first of all trying a new pill, to see whether that has been the cause of my feelings, so I''ve got a couple of months to go on that and then I''ll be going back to see what progress has been made. He has been beyond supportive. When I first got back from the doctor with my questionnaire about mental health...I was devastated, and he just talked to me calmly and rationally and helped me see that it didn''t make me a freak or anything.

Kittybean - I phrased that badly, I meant what you said. I''ve put it out of my mind and refocused on the present, not the distant future. Too much of my time was spent thinking about marriage, and I think that had a MASSIVE effect on me.


Everyone else, you''re thanked and loved just as much, I just felt I should clarify things, and respond and whatnot. I love you all, and as soon as I have ethical approval, I will work on getting a survey to you (not sure what the rules are here about that sort of thing, so will have to wait and see).


All my love, and more besides
Your Parsley, forever!


xxxxx

 

[AustenNut]

Thanks for the update, Parsley, and best of luck to you.