"Sweet Spot" with a Stranger...but Lied

[TCBug]

I''m new to NYC and have been married almost 20 years. I''ve practiced law for 11+ years in the midwest but am still looking for a job here.

Soooo I did what any PSer would do and planned a day in the Diamond District and then onto the "Graff" mile. But. . I got confused on the subway platform and ended up leaving the train at W4th when I meant to take another train onto Rockefeller Center. I ended up in Washington Square Park. Not so bad -- lots of women 20 years younger than me doing classwork, writing in journals, or people watching.

RANDOM GUY comes up to me IMMEDIATELY and first thing he says is "I''m gay, I''m not hitting on you and we HAVE to talk about your make-up because it sucks." Now call me crazy, but he was: (1) well dressed; (2) African-American; (3) gay; and (4) offering make up tips. Just like ALL my friends where I come frome. THIS is my "sweet spot." Ok so, I''m naive; an idiot, call it like you want.

But next thing I know, he''s fingering my anniversary ring (my 2.02 ct D/VS2 marquise solitaire that''s an "upgrade" from my engagement ring). I ASSURED him that I had a "real" engagement ring back home in my apartment but that this was FAKE, FAKE, FAKE! We had bad scenes after that (he tried to stong-arm me into two cabs) but he NEVER tried to rob me in any way.

I GOT TO THINKING, though: first of all: I''m not in "Kansas" anymore. Secondly, have any of you ever been in a similar situation? Do you quit wearing your rocks or do you just get tougher? (Like: "I don''t know you and I''m not willing to meet you. Good-bye.")

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Goodness! I don''t see myself wandering around NYC alone, but I''ll remember not to ever try it! Hope someone from there can give you some advice. And glad you were not hurt!

 

[Mara]

your entire post confused me. but i think i got the jist after reading it like 10 times! i think the topic threw me off too. guy approached you, you talked to him, he tried to get you into a cab (scary!!).

i pretty much don't talk to strangers.

hahahaa. i don't know what you'd call it, tough or whatever, but i literally do not have time for people who come up and talk to me randomly. well unless it's to coo over my dog in which case i give them 5 seconds. hehee.

and in new york, definitely not!!!! i was just there a week ago and had to make a trip to Bal NY myself. it was kind of in a weird area and i took a cab over then had to walk around a bit and then after had to walk about 3 blocks to find a cab by myself and i was kind of sketched out but the way i see it is, if you look unapproachable, people just don't approach you. and it works for me. hee. plus i typically have somewhere to go and don't care to be waylaid.

 

[Kaleigh]

I would have given him the death glare and walked away. I don''t talk to strangers either. Even when people come up to my car to admire my doggies, I give them like 5 secs as Mara does, but am happy to get away from them. Today, this guy was staring at me, tried to talk to me while waiting for a sandwhich, I nodded but walked away. Even thought about leaving the sandwhich behind, but had already paid for it. If I feel any red flags, I listen to my intincts. You know what they say about a womans intuition. So good thing nothing happened and you''re ok. But please from now on, just walk away!!!

 

[taitai_s]

Hi TCBug, I''m so sorry this happened to you. Definitely scary. I haven''t heard of that guy''s approach, though.

I agree with you guys - I live in NYC - have for 10 years - and I just don''t talk to strangers. I don''t even make eye contact with anyone on the street or in elevators. Perhaps that makes me look stuck up, but I don''t care - it''s just creepy and I always am wearing jewelry, etc. and don''t need for anything to happen.

Be safe -

 

[TCBug]

Hey Mara -- sorry to make you read (and re-read) my post 10x (oh, for the love of god

. )

I really like you (and I write for a living, so I''m concerned that you didn''t get what I said). I might have to re-think tmy whole career thing again.

Here''s the shorter version: I was a partner in a great law frim from the midwest. But I moved to NYC because this is where DH''s job is. THEN I tried to go to the Diamond District but ended up at Washington Square Park. NEST, I''m confronted by guy who is TOO much into me, my life and my jewelry BUT he hit the "sweet spot" for me: (well dressed, black, gay AND giving me make-up tips).

I became concerned because of his fascination with my ring. Thus, my question: Has anyone ever hit all your "sweet spots" (as in I trust you because you are well dresed, black, gay and a make-up hound) but then I freaked out and told him my ring was a fake.

 

[kcoursolle]

It''s scary how quickly a friendly situation can turn into something scary.

Although I wish I didn''t sometimes, I have to walk around by myself almost everyday in LA because I don''t own a car. However, I put my "serious face" on and walk quickly. I find the only people who bother me are bums asking me for change and the occassional cat call. For the most part people don''t mess with me since I don''t have my "friendly face" on.

If it''s dark I often spin my ring backwards and hold my phone.

 

[diamondfan]

I would never get that involved with someone who approached me like that. I am not by nature a really suspicious person BUT there are red flags. And, even when I did not have my current ring, I had nice things and there were times I left it home just because I knew I would be in certain situations and I could not justify the risk. I think no eye contact or a brief uh huh and keep going, look busy and purposeful and not aimless or ditracted. Criminals scope people out and assess them as potential victims, and the types of people committing street stuff like that are looking to get you off balance and away from your comfort zone. When criminals are asked how they choose, it usually boils down to the person''s overall appearance, and do they look into their own thoughts, distracted, not focused on their immediate surroundings etc...an easy mark. I would never get really close enough for someone to examine me and whatnot, and I would just nod and keep going or drop that I am meeting some fellow black belts for a little workout or my husband the Special Forces captain is coming to meet me for lunch...but seriously I would totally not let things get to a point where I am even going in the same direction as that person...i would get out my cell phone and say Excuse me I have to call my hubby at the precinct to tell him I am here waiting...Please be more careful and trust your instincts too...

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/17/2006 11:18:03 PM
Author: TCBug
Hey Mara -- sorry to make you read (and re-read) my post 10x (oh, for the love of god

. )

I really like you (and I write for a living, so I''m concerned that you didn''t get what I said). I might have to re-think tmy whole career thing again.

Here''s the shorter version: I was a partner in a great law frim from the midwest. But I moved to NYC because this is where DH''s job is. THEN I tried to go to the Diamond District but ended up at Washington Square Park. NEST, I''m confronted by guy who is TOO much into me, my life and my jewelry BUT he hit the ''sweet spot'' for me: (well dressed, black, gay AND giving me make-up tips).

I became concerned because of his fascination with my ring. Thus, my question: Has anyone ever hit all your ''sweet spots'' (as in I trust you because you are well dresed, black, gay and a make-up hound) but then I freaked out and told him my ring was a fake.

I was actually serious, I did have to read and re-read your post multiple times (okay maybe 5x). Actually up above I didn''t even know that your lied about your ring being a fake, I thought you really were wearing a fake ring! The way you just laid it out right above here was definitely more readable..I think the topic of the thread threw me off too. I was like what sweet spot lied then it was gay man, bad makeup, scary, ring? Mass confusion. I was also really hungry LOL!

No one hits my sweet spots. I don''t have any when it comes to strange people. I''m serious. I try to be very aware of surroundings, people around me etc. Women can NOT be too careful especially when alone in a strange area or someplace new to them. Even when Greg and I are together I still am looking around, looking behind us, turning my ring inside to my hand. It''s better to err on a bit more paranoid than totally unaware. And honestly, I think everyone has an ulterior motive. People are scary...watch the news for 5 minutes a week and it is enough to turn you off of trusting people forever.

 

[mrssalvo]

that''s scary. I am not a friendly person when I''m out in a big city, especially alone. I just keep on walking and if I must say something it''s I''m not interested..thanks and move along. Hubby even thinks I can be rude, but heck, I''m small and rudeness is all the protection I''ve got

..

for now on, sweet spot or not, don''t ever stop for strangers

 

[hlmr]

Hi TCBug! Welcome to PS.

I''m glad nothing worse happened to you! Sounds like this guy sized you up pretty quickly. You got off at the wrong stop, were looking lost, and he could read that in a nanosecond, plus you were sporting a gorgeous diamond ring. Bad combo, especially in a big city.

I have turned my ring around on occasion when I felt uncomfortable, but for the most part if I am in a strange place or large city, I wear my ''don''t @%&* with me face'' and get from point a to b without looking like I don''t know what I am doing or where I am going. Body language is everything to a perspective thief, mugger, rapist, etc and they will bypass someone who looks confident in favour of someone who looks lost or vulnerable.

Be aware, don''t take chances and err on the side of caution. That doesn''t mean you have to be rude or not talk to anyone ever, but protecting yourself should be first and foremost in your mind.

 

[Julian]

It worries DH to no end, but I smile and say hello to strangers sometimes. It's the Southern girl in me. The other day, I got in an elevator where there was an elderly lady and I smiled & said, "Good morning!"

She was so shocked she couldn't speak for a few moments and said it made her day. So few people say hello and acknowledge each other anymore. She said these days she feels invisible.

It kind of made me sad because times are changing. It's just not safe anymore to say hi and a kind word to strangers. I do so if I'm in a safe environment, but even then... you could get followed out. What is the world coming to? The Era of Graciousness is ending before my eyes!

I just hate that a few bad apples are ruining everything for everyone else. I mean, my future kids will NEVER know the excitement and freedom of the Halloweens I enjoyed as a child. Those experiences are so innocent and priceless! But children don't get that anymore because of crazy & evil people who hurt others. Makes me soooooo angry.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 11/18/2006 5:38:28 PM
Author: Julian
It worries DH to no end, but I smile and say hello to strangers sometimes. It''s the Southern girl in me.

I do the same thing. I''ll talk to anybody, and I do blame it on being a southern girl. I find it really disarms people, they aren''t used to strangers talking to them. But I''m careful in the city. Funny though, when we moved into this neighborhood last year I always said hello to the girls on the corner. They wouldn''t speak to me. It took me about 3 months or so to realize they were prostitutes! Oops! But my FI thinks I''m very outgoing, sometimes too much. He''s gotten annoyed with my grocery store conversations before.

 

[Julian]

HAHAHAH! Sumbride, that is hilarious!

Yes, we Southern girls were raised to be gracious & always hospitable. It's just too bad that our training isn't appropriate for the year we live in! Bye bye tradition and hello personal safety!

Maybe they should start training Southern debutantes in martial arts...that is, *in addition* to dancing, etiquette and etc! Combat boots under the white gowns & pepper spray dangling from dainty white gloved wrists! Oh my!!!

 

[mtrb]

NYC has always been pretty safe for us. We go there often for weekends, but generally stay around Midtown, Times Square, and Little Italy for meals(very close to the diamond district).
We have never had a problem. Really feel like NYC it is sooooo much safer than it was in the 80's. I hate to hear things like this..

Anyway for anyone else that goes, we usually stay at the Millenium Broadway(right behind Toys R us), Crowne Plaza Times Square or the Midtown Hilton. They are all nice, but the Milenium Broadway is our favorite.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 11/18/2006 6:01:04 PM
Author: Julian
HAHAHAH! Sumbride, that is hilarious!

Yes, we Southern girls were raised to be gracious & always hospitable. It''s just too bad that our training isn''t appropriate for the year we live in! Bye bye tradition and hello personal safety!

Maybe they should start training Southern debutantes in martial arts...that is, *in addition* to dancing, etiquette and etc! Combat boots under the white gowns & pepper spray dangling from dainty white gloved wrists! Oh my!!!

when i lived in london i shocked people by chatting them up. same response. i didn''t know it was bad manners to talk to strangers in london. it''s a space issue. everyone lives in shoeboxes and so has different personal boundaries.

people looked at me like i was an ax murderer. i quickly learned to stop.

we have a "teach for America" student teacherwho is from the north. she is silent most of the time. it''s beng interpreted and cold and unfriendly. maybe this is the issue...

back to original subject, i wonder if he was selling marykay?

 

[partgypsy]

I guess I''m schizophrenic because there are times when I am conversational with strangers (on the bus, at my job at the VA, even downtown Durham depending on the circumstances), it can actually defuse tension, but can also turn the "don''t f**k with me" vibe on. I used to live in Chicago and I was the same there, it is a big town where there are some bad peeps but hell 90% of people are ok. Strangers do talk to each other in Chicago, it happens all the time. Especially when I was riding public transit it was almost invariable an older or middle aged lady would sit next to me and we would strike up a conversation.
But yes, if someone came up to me with a sob story how they forgot their wallet at work and needed money just for a ride home I didn''t mind telling them "Sorry I don''t believe a word you are saying because I saw you last week saying the same thing on the corner of Washington" and they didn''t bother me after that.
But obviously use your common sense who you talk to or not.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 11/18/2006 1:15:23 AM
Author: Mara

I was actually serious, I did have to read and re-read your post multiple times (okay maybe 5x). Actually up above I didn''t even know that your lied about your ring being a fake, I thought you really were wearing a fake ring! The way you just laid it out right above here was definitely more readable..I think the topic of the thread threw me off too. I was like what sweet spot lied then it was gay man, bad makeup, scary, ring? Mass confusion. I was also really hungry LOL!

Haha... I did the same thing as Mara... read through maybe 3x before I started to process it! Actuallly I avoided the post for the first few days because the title confused me, I just assumed it was the continuation of another thread or some other "inside" thing. And I don''t even have hunger as an excuse!

I don''t know if I have a "sweet spot" with people, really... even after taking a minute to think about it. And I live in Philly, not NYC, but I''m usually friendly with people in restaurants or cafes or clothing stores in my area, because it''s a more closed, safe-feeling environment... yet if somebody approached me in the park or on the street, I''d probably be pretty cautious.

 

[firebirdgold]

Since when did being black and gay make someone safe? (How did you know he''s really gay?) Since when does a woman even pause to talk to a stranger who''s rude and makes personal comments? And then he starts touching your ring/hand?? And you freaking stick around to talk to him? There''s being nice and friendly to people, and then there''s down-right self-destructive

Quite frankly swear words (''F off'' comes to mind) and yanking your arm out of his reach was the appropriate response there.

I''m one of those nice, helpful, friendly to strangers, and trained to be polite no matter what people, but I still have a ''death glare'' for emergencies. You''d better start practicing yours.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 11/19/2006 1:14:06 PM
Author: IndieJones
Since when did being black and gay make someone safe? (How did you know he''s really gay?) Since when does a woman even pause to talk to a stranger who''s rude and makes personal comments? And then he starts touching your ring/hand?? And you freaking stick around to talk to him? There''s being nice and friendly to people, and then there''s down-right self-destructive

Quite frankly swear words (''F off'' comes to mind) and yanking your arm out of his reach was the appropriate response there.

I''m one of those nice, helpful, friendly to strangers, and trained to be polite no matter what people, but I still have a ''death glare'' for emergencies. You''d better start practicing yours.

she''s having a learning curve...different boundaries for Nu york ciddy!

yeah, yesterday i had to tell a total stranger to f off and use the death glare. i have to say i was out of practice...

 

[phoenixgirl]

Sorry for your experience TCBug.

It's probably best in the future to make new acquaintances the old-fashioned way and avoid total strangers with an inordinate interest in you. They always want something, even if it seems harmless. Nice helpful friend-candidates don't usually have to wander the streets approaching total strangers.

When I was in France this summer some old creepy guy tried to strike up a conversation with me and wouldn't stop touching my shoulder. My choices were either to make a scene, leave, or get him to leave. I didn't feel like the first two so I turned the tables on him. Instead of saying, "No! Don't touch me!" (I tried that at first, but it just seemed to encourage him) I smiled maniacally at him and said, "Mmmm! You know I like when it you touch me . . . you're soooooo good . . . oh yes!" He didn't have a script for that reaction so he ran away.

I think this guy honed in on the fact that you were new, a little lost, and not jaded enough to tell people to F--- off like most New Yorkers.

Here's another tip (no, not a makeup tip, sorry!): wear your purse over your head so that it can't be easily slipped off your shoulder by a thief. And Mom was right -- don't talk to strangers.

 

[Beacon]

Lots of lessons from your post.

I lived in Manhattan before I live in California. Love the city, never had a problem with anyone there. BUT - please do not take the subway while wearing big rings. If you must do so, buy a pair of gloves and wear them the whole time! If you don''t know where you are going - take a cab. There are people who live in NY for years and years who never, ever take the subway even once. (trust me)

Doesn''t matter if it''s Donald Trump walking up to you in Wash Sq. Park - don''t talk to him. No eye contact - just keep walking girl!

You were smart to tell him your ring was fake. Hah, at least you didn''t ask him for directions to the diamond district! But seriously, he didn''t give a damn about your makeup, let''s get real, this is NY, no one gives a damn about anything. He was scoping you out to take advantage one way or the other. You got quite lucky to get away from him and the cab thing is really, really scary!

NYC is a great place filled with some of the most compassionate, educated and wonderful people, but you have to take care, everywhere you go. Learn from this near miss and be thankful for it. Be optimistic, but be careful.

 

[Stone Hunter]

First off -- I''m sorry you had a scare!

I talk to strangers all the time here in my little town. BUT I''m from NY and I know that when I go to THE CITY (that''s New York for those of you not from NY state) I don''t talk to strangers. I would never talk to a stranger in Richmond, VA or DC either. City rules of conduct mean strangers DON''T talk. I think that applies in the south as well as the north. Guess you need to brush up on the rules of city life! So sorry you had a scary time!! Just take it as a learning experience. I know easier said than done.

OK I would talk to a little old lady in an elevator. If we were alone.

 

[poptart]

I''m glad you were ok! Hopefully you won''t have an encounter like this ever again. The city can be a scary place for women all alone. Luckily, with your death glare in tact, no one will bother you! I know I have a look that shuts people up in half a second and makes them turn around and walk away... and I use it readily when alone

.

*M*

 

[cutes814]

what a scary situation. i don''t talk to strangers at all. but i do occasionally give them a smile back if they smiled at me or if they asked how i was doing, i would answer, but i never stop walking. i just answer as i''m walking away from them.

be more careful next time.

 

[AceP]

I live in NYC - have lived here for six years, though I was raised in the midwest. In fact, I went to grad school at NYU; I walked through Washington Square Park every day for two years. New York is very, very safe. I take the subway at any hour and there are very few places I won''t walk at night. That said, you have to have armor up at all times - like you should anywhere, really. I''m always amazed by women with flashy jewelry on the subway; I spin mine to the inside. Some people "get" NY right away - it''s an instinct. I''m constantly telling tourists on the subway to zip their bags or spin them to the front of their bodies - people just don''t GET it. once you''re comfortable with the city and don''t emerge from the west 4th st F train with a countenence of wide-eyed confusion, sketchy characters simply won''t approach you. stand up straight, look straight ahead and walk quickly. there''s nothing wrong with being friendly, but always be aware of your surroundings.

 

[decodelighted]

There's not much to add ... good advice all around.

Just wanted to mention that "scammers" ... people who prey on others ... have lots of different techniques

* over-familiarity/ instant familiarity
* making themselves appear harmless/less threatening "I'm gay" "I'm not hitting on you"

and one that hasn't been covered

* vague insults or back-handed complements ... (it's a subtle way of placing themselves above you & getting your full attention & making you want to prove them wrong or "win them back" etc etc)

VERY DEVIOUS STUFF. Who knows WHAT would have happened if you'd humored him right on into a cab in the hopes of

A) a fab new friendship -- or -- even B) not hurting his feelings

The more comfortable you feel in "the city" - the less often things like this will happen to you. Now that it's happened ONCE, hopefully you'll feel more comfortable excusing yourself ASAP in the future.

I know you're a lawyer ... it's not about "smarts" ... it's about "street smarts" -- will just take a few weeks or months to kick in! (Or be to be refreshed if you've lived in NYC previously)

 

[moremoremore]

Unless you were being punked LOL that is not normal NY behavior. And NYC really is a safe place believe it or not...filled with hard working people working and just trying to avoid other people LOL...
Most people know to not approach strangers...and if a random person does come up to you inappropriately, you just keep on walking....Most NYers are NOT like this LOL....So don't get too freaked out He was probably a nut case or you'll be on candid camera sometime soon Or maybe he wasn't from NY!!!

Isn't the subway FUN? NOT!

But as AceP says- there is nothing wrong with being friendly, just know your surroundings....!!! NYC is just a crazy, fun, diverse place and I'm sure you'll grow to love it!