Support,help and advice needed desperately...

[Natylad]

I have been staring at the wall in front of me for the last two hours, thinking, crying and feeling very bad in general...So i thought that it would be more productive to ask for advice from my friends here, instead of just sitting in bed feeling frustrated...
So as some of you already know, DH and i got married last May. We met more than five years ago on a flight from Greece (where i live) to Canada (where he has been living for many many years now). Those years have been very difficult but also wonderful from every point of view and both of us have managed to cope successfully with the long distance relationship, because we love each other deeply and never had any doubt about the fact that we wanted to share our lives together. When the moment came to discuss marriage and where should we settle down, my DH took the brave decision to be the one who would leave everything behind in order to come and live with me in Greece. The main reason was the fact that i've been married before and from my first marriage i have a wonderful daughter who just turned ten years old. There was no way that i could take her away from her country, her home, her friends and school and the rest of her family (especially her dad). I am convinced that the child wouldn't be able to deal with this, especially after having been through a difficult divorce between her parents. And obviously, there was no way that i would ever go and leave her behind, especially at this young and fragile age. So my DH took the decision to make this huge sacrifice for us, me and my daughter, and i can't begin to explain how much gratitude i feel about this...
So after the wedding we had to stay apart for a few more months because DH had important issues to deal with in Canada. Issues that had to do with his estate and his job there. He was here during the holidays and he just went back to Canada for another two weeks. After those two weeks, he'll come to Greece permanently.
So last August, i got pregnant during our honeymoon and i'm due in mid May...This by itself is a wonderful thing and my DH wanted a baby so much... I should be feeling very happy right now but i can't enjoy anything because frankly i'm terrified...
Things in my country aren't good for quite some time now and in all probability they won't get any better any time soon. At least not for another year...The economy is really bad, people are getting fired all the time, there are no jobs available right now and in general i know for a fact that there is no way that a man with my husband's qualifications could find a decent job under these circumstances...
He had such a successful carreer in Canada and i feel so proud of him. I honestly don't know what will become of him now that he's moving here. During the holidays i could see how worried he was about the situation. Mostly because he is a very proud man who wants to be able to provide for his family and be productive and useful. He considers it his duty to be able to care for his family and he's feeling so sad and isecure right now...
While i have this serious problem in my mind, i'm also thinking that we have to deal with so many other difficult things at the same time. He is supposed to go to the other side of the world, to adapt to a totally different environment and way of life, to cope with the frustration of unemployment while he was so successful until now, to become a step father from one day to another without having any experience on how to deal with little children becuase he doesn't have any children of his own and he was the youngest sibling in his family, to become a father of his own baby who's coming up in May...God, this is too much for anybody.
He doesn't complain about anything...He just talks calmly about the situation sometimes.I try to be as supportive as possible and i'm also trying to talk to him in a positive and optimistic way, but there are facts in this story which cannot be overlooked, no matter how optimistic somebody wants to be.
For the first time i feel that i was the worst thing that ever happened to my dearest, precious husband's life...If it weren't for me, he wouldn't have to deal with all this hell...Sometimes i wish i could just disappear from this world and leave him alone to continue with his life than waste it all for me. I really don't know what to do or how to deal with all of this...
I also feel that i don't have a clue about how to organize our new life together with my daughter, the new baby, etc, so that we can make this transition in the best possible way. How to keep everybody happy? How to satisfy the needs of a ten year old, of a newborn baby, of my DH who's in this difficult situation and of the two of us as a couple at the same time?
I am 37 years old, i am a mother, a wife, a lawyer, a Doctor of Laws, an author and right now i feel as the most imbecile, incompetent and clueless person in the world...None of the above things that i have achieved so far have prepared me for this....none...

 

[yennyfire]

I am on my phone right now, so not easy to type, but wanted to send you hugs. The only advice I can give is to share your feelings honestly with DH. Joy shared is joy doubled, but problems shared are problems halved.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Aww I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound like an unbelievably strong woman and your DH is such a brave man! I don't really have too much to add other than talk it out, make sure you know his feelings and he knows yours, work together on everything you can and best of luck to both of you! Its amazing what love can do! Hugs!

 

[vintagelover229]

natylad:
I'm so sorry you are going though so much right now. I understand your worries, concerns, and everything. I'm in the middle of a LDR with a Canadian (they are the best aren't they!) and I've been in Canada the whole time, and I left everything behind.

However, your husband KNEW what he was going to go though before doing it. You were together for 5 years before any decisions were made and now things are actually becoming reality instead of just "plans" and that can be a very exciting, stressful, and scary phase of your life.

My best advice to you would be to try and not worry to much about it. You've got a wonderful husband that loves you so much that he is willing to leave everything behind and start his life with you and your daughter, and now, your new baby on the way. Is the road going to be easy? Probably not...but you get to do it TOGETHER now instead of together/apart. Embrace all the uncertainty and changes that are coming your way as well as you can. Everything is going to be okay because you are going to be together. I know that in Greece times are hard right now (we have a greek friend) but at least you'll have your husband there with you.

No one said life was going to be easy but at least you've got a man of action. You have someone you KNOW is a hard worker (no matter what field) and even if he doesn't find a job in his field that is as successful, he already knew what he was leaving behind. And he did it because what he was gaining far out weights what he left behind.

It's okay to feel the way you are feeling, heck, if you didn't I would wonder what was wrong with you! Focus on ALL the positive things and try not to linger on the difficulties that all these changes might bring. There will be an adjustment period, and that's okay. You've found an amazing man, you have a beautiful daughter and now a new baby to take all your attention and worry. Everything else will fall into place, and even if it doesn't, you still have the ones you love to be right by your side as you go though it.

I wish you and your family nothing but the best. I just was talking about you to my SO the other night and told him how lucky you are that he would leave everything behind for you (and then added that you were amazing AND beautiful so any guy in his right mind would leave his country lol) but you and your SO have something that OCEANS couldn't tear apart. If oceans couldn't sway your love, then all these changes won't either. That's not to say that things won't adjust/change/grow, because they will.

Someone wise once told me it's not the easy things in life you remember, it's getting though the rough ones together and coming out wiser, stronger and closer as a family that you remember the most.

HUGS!

 

[Haven]

I just want to give you hugs, vintagelover. I know you're scared and overwhelmed right now, and while I can't give you any advice specific to your situation, I can say that I've felt overwhelmed and crushed by the responsibilities and choices I've faced in life, yet with time, it all passed and I survived and was happy once again. I'm sure you will experience the same.

Big hugs. Talk to your DH, I bet a good long conversation will help you feel better.

 

[TravelingGal]

Natylad, hugs. You have every right to be "terrified", it's a huge life change for your husband, and it's a big stress for you as you hope you are "worth" all that he will go through. Not sure if you know, but my husband moved from Australia to be with me 5 years ago. Not exactly the same since we weren't married at the time, and things in the U.S. were actually good back then, but I absolutely understand a bit of the stress you are going through.

First, remember that he WANTS to do this. He loves you. You and your family ARE worth it.

Now, from there, take a deep breath. A big one.

You have a LOT coming up on your plate. While it's certainly important to plan for things, the best advice that I can give you is to tackle things day by day and communicate with your husband. Otherwise, it is too easy to feel completely overwhelmed.

The job thing is certainly an issue. Not only do a lot of men feel like they want to provide for their families - a lot of self worth is tied up in what they DO. I had to strive to make TGuy feel appreciated, and really be proud of all the little things he did to learn how to make it here (including driving on the right). While he certainly wanted a job right away, I told him that it was no small thing to come into a new country, and we should be pleased with progress - the building blocks we were laying for our foundation - which TAKES TIME. Every day we just tackled something new - something that felt feasible. Opening accounts. Getting a driver's license. I even had to teach him how to write a check (everything seems electronic in Australia). There was a lot to learn, and it did keep him busy!

Also, a big big part of what we had to accomplish was giving him a support structure, and that meant friends. I never went out as much as I did in those early months. It was absolutely critical for him to make friends and to learn to enjoy life here. We had to have FUN. He learned about football. Asked a lot about American culture to start up conversations (and people love talking and educating!) And because he had spare time, he offered to help new friends where he could, thereby forming even stronger friendships. He had to build a life that was HIS, not just try to fit into mine. I still joke with our friends that if it weren't for them, TGuy would have gone running and screaming back to Oz many years ago. Because in those bumpy early months, there certainly are arguments and frustrations...and it can feel very lonely when you have no one to turn to.

You are not the worst thing to happen to your husband's life. You are the BEST thing! Really! But my heart goes out to you, because I understand...you just love him and want the best and feel bad. I cried my guts out when we left Australia when everyone hugged him goodbye. I felt so horribly guilty.

Be strong. Together, you can pull through this. If, amidst all the uncertainty you both can't try and enjoy being together finally as husband and wife after all this time, what do you have? Keep your eye on the prize and edge toward it, and never forget why BOTH of you have given up so much in the process - because you've gotten much more than you gave.

 

[onedrop]

natyLad: I truly empathize with the feelings that you are experiencing. DH and I went through a similar circumstance 4 years ago this month, with him leaving behind everything he knew to come and live with me. Since we don't have kids that dynamic was not part of our relationship, but I experienced many of the feelings that you are about how it all was going to work out given the circumstances. Much of my anxiety came just before his move, so maybe the questioning and the anxiety and the timing of it are all *normal* in situations like these. Your concerns are valid and you should be thinking about the what ifs. But, you have to know that focusing solely on the "what ifs" will not change the fact that challenges are present.

Having been in your shoes, I offer this: there is no way to know how things are going to turn out until you and your DH and the kids are actually living it. I worried a lot too prior to DH's arrival, but I found that much of my worry eased the longer we were actually living together. We had a lot of issues to come up as DH adjusted to life here, but they were much easier to deal with together. Yes, you are facing a lot of challenges, but you can get through them and will probably end up with a stronger relationship because of it. There will be periods of loneliness, home sickness, frustration and various other emotions on both parts, but that is just part of the process. During these times, I suggest exercising a lot of patience with your DH and with yourself. It just takes time to arrange your lives such that they work best for all involved. And try if you can during rough patches, to remember what brought you two together in the first place. I myself, am not particularly sentimental, but taking myself back to the "good old days" was really helpful during the stressful times.

As hard as it may be, continue to be positive within yourself and with your DH about life after the move. He will need to hear and feel that positivity from you to stay encouraged when things get difficult.

Also try, as hard as it may be, to take a few moments for yourself on a regular basis. You cannot allow all of your energy to be used up during the transition/adjustment process because then you are no good to anyone.

In the meantime before the move, just focus on helping his transition to be as smooth as possible. Doing so may help to take the focus off of your fears and worries.

I wish you and your family all of the best as you take this next step in life. Despite all of your worries, I think you will see that things do get better over time.

Edit: I wanted TGal to chime in with her sage advice, and what do you know? She did!! Have to echo her statement about having fun together. When DH first got here, we went EVERYWHERE that our area had to offer and those were great bonding moments. Also wanted to tell you not to beat yourself up for "creating" a problem for your DH. You have to be an amazing woman for him to make such a big move!

 

[Prana]

Sorry to hear that you feel this way Natylad. Your husband is aware of what he is doing, and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty about him leaving his country and having to start over. Just take everything one day at a time (easier said than done). You will survive this, as will your family.

 

[dragonfly411]

Naty - The first thing that came to my head was GOSH I wish I had a man who would move around the world for me if I asked him to.

That being said, I think a) You are worrying too much and b) you are probably a bit emotional already due to pregnancy, you have a daughter who is 10.... 10-13 is HARD so I'm sure that isn't helping, and you are worried over your husband. Now and then we all have to forget our pride and just move forward, and he may have to do that, and it will be a good lesson for him to learn. He loves you, he wants to be with you, he wants to make a family with you. That is a very big thing and he wouldn't do this unless he wanted to. Be thankful every day, and spend time doing what you can to help him find a job, and take time to enjoy what you have. Everything will fall together in the end and you will all be ok.

edited for spelling.

 

[HollyS]

1) you are pregnant, hormonal, and apt to be too emotional
2) cut yourself some slack because you are pregnant, hormonal, and apt to be too emotional
3) talk to your husband
4) you and your husband make the best decision for EVERYONE in your new family: you, him, your daughter, your baby

 

[somethingshiny]

Hugs to you.

And I don't do this often, but ditto every single thing said here. You'll be fine and your family will be fine.

 

[zoebartlett]

Your husband chose to join you and your daughter in Greece because he loves you both, and he wants to continue to build upon the relationship you've had for the past 5+ years. You're going to create more memories together and if you look at the positives and the bright side of things (you'll be together finally and you have a baby on the way!), hopefully you can begin to feel a little better. I know it's easier said than done (and I haven't been in your situation), but I hope this helps somewhat.

I can imagine how you feel though. I'm sure there will be a period of transition while you figure things out, but you'll be doing it together.

Has your husband had a chance to connect with others in Greece, maybe people who could help him on the job front?

Best wishes, NatyLad, and congratulations!

 

[packrat]

Nothing to add to what has already been said, but wanted to send you some hugs Naty!

 

[NovemberBride]

NatyLad,

Hugs, what a tough situation to be in. I do know a bit about the financial crisis in Greece right now, and that it is quite dire (much worse than in the US, for those who don't know). As the others have said, I would not spend a minute worrying that you have forced your DH into this - he is an adult who made his own choice to come to be with you and it was obviously worth the sacrifice for him. That said, I can understand the worry about his ability to find a job. Are you able to support your family on your salary alone? If so, that is great and as others have said I would make sure that your DH knows how much you appreciate him moving for you and help him adjust as much as possible. If you cannot support your family on your salary alone, that is much more of an issue given the unlikelihood that he will be able to get a job quickly.

On a positive note, soon you will be living with your DH permanently - what a great feeling that must be!

 

[Natylad]

Thank you all so much for the advice, the support and the hugs...i really needed them...
Everybody's right when they say that i should keep my thoughts positive and try to deal with this situation on a day to day basis, rather than trying to figure out everything from the beginning. I guess, it's not even possible to be prepared for everything that's going to happen and besides the bad and difficult things that might arise, good things can also happen, things that i don't even suspect. So, yes, i'm trying to see the positive side of it all, coz there's definitely a very positive side..I mean, after all those years of loving each other and being apart, now we can finally be there for each other, support one another and enjoy each other's company...That is sooo great!!!
Another good thing that i might have been taking for granted and i realized while reading some of your posts, is the fact that - thank God - we already own a beautiful appartment, a car and my income is enough for supporting the family, at least for now. Of course, that means that with a four member family we'll be on a strict badget (no more bling for me and no more unnecessairy expenses, he, he ) but at least we won't have to worry about financial survival as so many other couples and families do. That is a blessing and i truly feel grateful to God for helping me be in this position today, so that my family doesn't have to suffer. That doesn't mean though that my husband's psychology won't be bad...It's not in his character at all to go from being successful and having a great salary and a promising carreer to being supported by his...wife...I hope that things will work out soon and he won't have to be in this position for long. He is an ambitious person (in the very healthy sense of the term) and deserves to be happy and successful, because he is very hard working by nature.
Another thing that i was thinking is that i'm feeling overwhelmed by this situation, not only because i can see how difficult it is for my DH, but also because i was always the kind of person who got control of things in her life and she worked towards her goals alone. Even when i was married before (only for eighteen months though) i remember that i was the one who was taking care of the household, the child and myself, since the ex was an indifferent person and i realized very soon that i couldn't count on him about anything. So far, i have managed to do eevrything on my own and this, in a way, is easy...Because when you only have to deal with your self you are in an absolute control of your situation and there are no external parameters interfering with what you do and how you do it. But all of a sudden, i realize that i'm not alone any more and making this marriage and this family work isn't something entirely up to me. Making this family a happy and successful family has to do with the cooperation of both of us and even if i manage to be in control of how i feel and how i deal with the situation, i can't control my husband's feelings and reactions, which will play a big role to our common life together. I really need to get used to the idea that this is the real life...Not being alone and fighting all your fights by yourself but also not being in total control of your situation all the time and being ok with this...Brrr....

 

[susimoo]

Nat,

I have not read everything in depth, as my 5 year old is in the middle of a rather delightful ( ) stomach bug, with all the delightful side effects.

First of all, hugs, love and dust to you and yours. I know what it is to be this scared. I was in a similar situation to you almost 14 years ago.
My DH left Morocco to be here with me.

I too had all the feelings of extreme anxiety because, finally, the planning was over and now it was time for our life together and I had no idea what that meant.

If I had to go back and give myself some advice back then, it would be this. You have just come through some of the most difficult years of your life together, SUCCESSFULLY!!!!

Whilst the the next period is an unknown, you will be doing it TOGETHER!

Take it one day at a time. Give yourselves some credit for getting this far, the rest will come and go. Remember if your love can overcome the distance of continents, with time patience and a LOT of talking, you two can take on the world. It may not be easy but together it can made easier.

Once DD is better I will come back and post some more. You will, as always be in my thoughts, dear Nat!!!

Remember, you have a whole host of friends here that you can talk to whenever you need to. Post away. We will be here for you, just as you have been for others.

Take care of yourself and your little ones. ((((HUGS))))

 

[Natylad]

Nat,

I have not read everything in depth, as my 5 year old is in the middle of a rather delightful ( ) stomach bug, with all the delightful side effects.

First of all, hugs, love and dust to you and yours. I know what it is to be this scared. I was in a similar situation to you almost 14 years ago.
My DH left Morocco to be here with me.

I too had all the feelings of extreme anxiety because, finally, the planning was over and now it was time for our life together and I had no idea what that meant.

If I had to go back and give myself some advice back then, it would be this. You have just come through some of the most difficult years of your life together, SUCCESSFULLY!!!!

Whilst the the next period is an unknown, you will be doing it TOGETHER!

Take it one day at a time. Give yourselves some credit for getting this far, the rest will come and go. Remember if your love can overcome the distance of continents, with time patience and a LOT of talking, you two can take on the world. It may not be easy but together it can made easier.

Once DD is better I will come back and post some more. You will, as always be in my thoughts, dear Nat!!!

Remember, you have a whole host of friends here that you can talk to whenever you need to. Post away. We will be here for you, just as you have been for others.

Take care of yourself and your little ones. ((((HUGS))))

My Susimoo, hugs to you too, you are a dear friend Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and for offering your advice.
And i hope that this terrible stomach bug will go away very soon and leave your little one alone

 

[Dreamer_D]

Hugs my dear.

I wonder, do you earn enough to support the family if your husband cannot work? If so, then perhaps he can care for the children while you work? I know it is not traditional, but it may be a good interim solution to unemployment that would still allow him to be productive.

I also think that you need to stop beating yourself up about this. I presume he is a grown man perfectly capable of making choices. He may be "sacrificing" his career, but he is gaining a family and a community, something that has probably been lacking in his life up until now. Though the stereotype is that career is more important for men than family, in reality, family and those close connections are much more essential to happiness and health and well-being. If he could have found that in his home town I think he would have. Instead, he is finding it with you, and you should be very proud and happy to offer it to him.

 

[Natylad]

Hugs my dear.

I wonder, do you earn enough to support the family if your husband cannot work? If so, then perhaps he can care for the children while you work? I know it is not traditional, but it may be a good interim solution to unemployment that would still allow him to be productive.

I also think that you need to stop beating yourself up about this. I presume he is a grown man perfectly capable of making choices. He may be "sacrificing" his career, but he is gaining a family and a community, something that has probably been lacking in his life up until now. Though the stereotype is that career is more important for men than family, in reality, family and those close connections are much more essential to happiness and health and well-being. If he could have found that in his home town I think he would have. Instead, he is finding it with you, and you should be very proud and happy to offer it to him.

Thank you so much for these words Dreamer...

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I agree with Dreamer, with a baby on the way, it doesn't seem unreasonable that maybe your hubby can be a stay at home dad for awhile if the job front turns out not to be the most promising. Just because he excelled in the workplace and is ambitious doesn't mean he wouldn't be happy and successful in that new role, I know plenty of women who happily transitioned from successful career women to stay at home moms either permanently or until the kids were in school. If anything, those are indicators that he'd make a great parent.

After I graduated high school, my dad actually gave up his job and moved to a different country to be with my mom. To be honest, he got some jabs from friends for retiring so early and jokes about being a "kept man" etc, but after the initial transition period, he really came to appreciate the time he had to pursue new interests. He now takes much better care of his health and spends more time exercising, and takes lessons in Spanish.

I thought I should also mention, that my mom actually had some problems adjusting to my dad's lack of work that she probably wasn't expecting. I think she had some trouble adjusting to the jokes and her male friends kind of looking down at my dad for not being a breadwinner in the family. She was used to telling people how accomplished he was career wise, and it hurt her pride more than she was expecting, not being able to brag about those things anymore. There were also some inevitable "well you should be doing "x" chore since you aren't working and have more time" arguments which hit nerves on both sides. And feeling frustrated made my mom feel even more guilty about asking my dad to move. But things have worked out.

Best of luck, and congratulations on the pregnancy!

 

[susimoo]

Just popping in to see how you are doing. I am on the night shift again.
DD is still poorly, but in good spirits.
How was today? better, I hope!!! As I expected, you have had lots of great advice. Hope it has helped settle your mind.

((((((hugs)))))))

 

[Gypsy]

Naty honey, big hugs from us too.


So much of the advice you've gotten has come from those MUCH more experienced in the issues you are dealing with than I am. But what stands out for me is that you are raging with pregnancy hormones and that in and of itself is huge. Then add all this uncertainty and stress.

You are not the worst thing that has happened to him. Part of being married is learning to support the other, not financially but everyday through every day encouragements, your husband AND YOU need to learn that supporting your family is a many faceted thing. Not just a matter of finding a job and earning a pay check. It's about staying home and taking care of the house and the kids when its needed, it's about holding the other person when they are falling apart, it's about being there and accepting a new life with new possibilities and challenges and knowing that everything you are doing is SUPPORT. It has nothing to do with careers and money and ambition. It has everything to do with everything else. And you have to understand how to accept that you have someone else to depend on and that doesn't make you a burden. It makes you a life partner. He WILL eventually find a job, get that satisfaction, but until that time comes savor the rest of what life is offering you... and opportunity to become a true family that supports each other.

Be kind to each other and learn how to give the another strength, compassion, and support and how to ACCEPT the same back. YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOUR BABY ARE WORTH IT HONEY. He will tell you that if you let him.

And we'll tell you that when you need it too.

 

[onedrop]

natyLad: Hope you are feeling better today. I totally forgot to address the issue of pregnancy hormones in my previous post, but PSers are on top of everything and honed in on that right away! I thought of you last night because DH and I are going back to his country in a few days to visit his family and I remembered how much I felt for him leaving it all to come here and start our lives together. But, the thing is we made it and I know you can too!!! I will say again, and echo others' statements here that your DH really cares for you and wants to be with YOU to make such a huge decision!! Don't lose sight of that, okay?

If you need to vent, or share or whatever we are here for you!!

 

[Natylad]

I agree with Dreamer, with a baby on the way, it doesn't seem unreasonable that maybe your hubby can be a stay at home dad for awhile if the job front turns out not to be the most promising. Just because he excelled in the workplace and is ambitious doesn't mean he wouldn't be happy and successful in that new role, I know plenty of women who happily transitioned from successful career women to stay at home moms either permanently or until the kids were in school. If anything, those are indicators that he'd make a great parent.

After I graduated high school, my dad actually gave up his job and moved to a different country to be with my mom. To be honest, he got some jabs from friends for retiring so early and jokes about being a "kept man" etc, but after the initial transition period, he really came to appreciate the time he had to pursue new interests. He now takes much better care of his health and spends more time exercising, and takes lessons in Spanish.

I thought I should also mention, that my mom actually had some problems adjusting to my dad's lack of work that she probably wasn't expecting. I think she had some trouble adjusting to the jokes and her male friends kind of looking down at my dad for not being a breadwinner in the family. She was used to telling people how accomplished he was career wise, and it hurt her pride more than she was expecting, not being able to brag about those things anymore. There were also some inevitable "well you should be doing "x" chore since you aren't working and have more time" arguments which hit nerves on both sides. And feeling frustrated made my mom feel even more guilty about asking my dad to move. But things have worked out.

Best of luck, and congratulations on the pregnancy!

MakingTheGrade, thank you for the advice and for sharing your family's experience. It is important for me to know what to expect both from my DH, myself and the other people during the transition time. Even though i don't think that in our case any of my male friends and acquaintances would dare make any comments or jokes about my husband during the time that he won't be working...I suspect that they are afraid of me and what i'm capable of doing or saying to anybody who dares make the slightest insulting joke about my husband

 

[Natylad]

Just popping in to see how you are doing. I am on the night shift again.
DD is still poorly, but in good spirits.
How was today? better, I hope!!! As I expected, you have had lots of great advice. Hope it has helped settle your mind.

((((((hugs)))))))

I'm feeling much better dear, thank you for thinking of me...
Indeed i'm getting great and valuable advice. I feel so relieved that i can discuss this issue with people who understand me and are so supportive...
How is your little one? I hope that she feels much better and that you're finally getting some sleep Hugs

 

[Natylad]

Naty honey, big hugs from us too.


So much of the advice you've gotten has come from those MUCH more experienced in the issues you are dealing with than I am. But what stands out for me is that you are raging with pregnancy hormones and that in and of itself is huge. Then add all this uncertainty and stress.

You are not the worst thing that has happened to him. Part of being married is learning to support the other, not financially but everyday through every day encouragements, your husband AND YOU need to learn that supporting your family is a many faceted thing. Not just a matter of finding a job and earning a pay check. It's about staying home and taking care of the house and the kids when its needed, it's about holding the other person when they are falling apart, it's about being there and accepting a new life with new possibilities and challenges and knowing that everything you are doing is SUPPORT. It has nothing to do with careers and money and ambition. It has everything to do with everything else. And you have to understand how to accept that you have someone else to depend on and that doesn't make you a burden. It makes you a life partner. He WILL eventually find a job, get that satisfaction, but until that time comes savor the rest of what life is offering you... and opportunity to become a true family that supports each other.

Be kind to each other and learn how to give the another strength, compassion, and support and how to ACCEPT the same back. YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOUR BABY ARE WORTH IT HONEY. He will tell you that if you let him.

And we'll tell you that when you need it too.

Gypsy, i can't thank you enough for everything that you said. Sometimes practical problems seem so serious that they overwhelm us and don't allow us to see the importance of all the other blessings that might exist in our life. I guess it is mostly my husband who focuses so much right now on his carreer issue and because i want to be supportive i tend to over-focus on this too and forget about those important things that you point out in your post. As you said: "Supporting a family is a many faceted thing...".

 

[Natylad]

natyLad: Hope you are feeling better today. I totally forgot to address the issue of pregnancy hormones in my previous post, but PSers are on top of everything and honed in on that right away! I thought of you last night because DH and I are going back to his country in a few days to visit his family and I remembered how much I felt for him leaving it all to come here and start our lives together. But, the thing is we made it and I know you can too!!! I will say again, and echo others' statements here that your DH really cares for you and wants to be with YOU to make such a huge decision!! Don't lose sight of that, okay?

If you need to vent, or share or whatever we are here for you!!

Onedrop, the pregnancy hormones are a big issue, huh? Everybody says so but i don't believe them I insist that i'm perfectly fine and that my reactions are normal
On another note, it is very encouraging to hear about your experience with your hubby and that you made it successfully regardless of the difficulties. And you're right when you're saying that my DH loves me so much and really cares about me since he made this decision! I can't ever forget that...I'm so grateful for this and i always keep it in mind...
And thank you for all the support