still waiting

[always.waiting]

hi again,
soo, i''m still waiting, and i need to vent. I''m hoping not to hear too much harsh criticism, just need somewhere to vent and maybe hear from people who can relate or constructive suggestions. As many of us know, this is one of the few places to come to at times like this. Friends are sick of hearing the same song and dance, family are too critical and bf is obviously not an appropriate person to lean on right now.
So today is nov 2nd, i had set an internal deadline of nov 1st. we''ve had talks along the way (mostly me getting frustrated) and he''s consistently listend and been so kind with me, and reassured me that I have nothing to worry about. He makes me feel like it is right around the corner. But now it''s 2 mo''s after our big crisis (labor day), and of course the subject of moving things forward has been brought up for at least 9 mo''s now. We''ve hit our 1 yr "living together" anniversary (yesterday) and I won''t be here this wkend (business). We''ve been together 3 yrs. I just don''t know what ELSE he is waiting for. Isn''t 2 solid months enough to get a ring together (he has the money)? When I bring it up, he seems to tell me it makes him push things back. So I feel trapped, I''m frustrated inside, don''t want to bring it up to further delay things, but confused why things are taking so long, and of course, also don''t want to be taken for a ride, AGAIN. I''m not young, and I can''t keep waiting and waiting. I am also totally swamped at work, so on one hand don''t have time to dwell on this, but on the other hand, it''s affecting me. Thanks for listening. Again.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Perhaps he is waiting for the holidays to propose. I feel your pain! My bf told me over two months ago that it would be "soon". We had the "talk" again the other day and he insists he wants to marry before he deploys next summer (military). Well, hello, if we are going to get married before the summer, don't you think you ought to propose NOW?! I reminded him about all of the things that need to be taken care of before he leaves, so hopefully he took note! Also, there is a possibility he might deploy in Feb or March rather than summer, so I am starting to stress. I'm giving him until the end of the year before I start complaining, lol.

Hang in there! Sounds like your's should be happening any time now!

 

[Cailet]

I would suggest you take care of work, take care of yourself and do things that interest you.
Make your life into something you want and enjoy -- go out with girlfriends - hang out with family

The more you make progress on your own life the more it will become clear to you and to him what the solution will be. If he is just dragging his feet and really intending to propose, having you be less available / taking charge of your own situation may spur him to action. If he isn''t really intending to propose he will let you go on doing your thing, will maybe become irritable that you aren''t spending enough time on him and YOU may come to the conclusion that the relationship isn''t what you are looking for.

it''s really up to you how long you stick with it. but i really think by your frustration level that you may be getting close to that "expiration date" on the relationship - where even if he DOES propose eventually it won''t be enough to save the relationship.

take care and good luck!!

 

[Mara]

my first thought when reading your post is....so do something about it.

you mention that you feel trapped and frustrated. quite frankly, this is a trap of your own making. you are giving him the power over your future together...it can''t really feel good to know he''s got his own mental timeline going on and is ignoring yours. and when you try to talk about it, he uses basically a control tactic of delaying the proposal to get you to stop.

you set a mental deadline of nov 1st. what did you think would happen by nov 1st if he did not propose? do you have a plan of action?

so what''s Plan B?

sometimes LIW''s get so mentally reliant on waiting for the proposal to happen, they seem consumed with it. as a guy, i''d be really turned off if i saw that something like me proposing was SO affecting my lady''s life and not in a positive way. and if i knew that they were mentally all torn up about it but still just kind of sat there and waited for me to do something.

i agree that you should stay focused on things like work, can you start going out with more girlfriends just to give yourself a bit of buffer between the scenario that you aren''t happy with? does he know that you had a mental deadline? if not, maybe you should tell him....well only tell him if you know you could actually DO something about it if he misses it again, aka like leave. try getting your own mental strength back and taking it away from this situation and from him.

getting a proposal is not the end all to be all of life and i think once you start realizing that and acting accordingly, it will either happen faster or it won''t and then you''ll know you have to make a decision either way. good luck.

 

[always.waiting]

well he has pretty much told me he is not dragging his feet, and that i just have to be a little patient. i think we are past the stage of me being inaccessible so that he will be prompted into action. he says this a big deal and takes time to pull together. one time he got frustrated with all my questions he said, "ok, if you really want ALL the details, I''ll tell you. If that''s what you want." I hedged and said no. I mean I don''t want to ruin the moment. But it''s hard to just keep waiting and I wonder if he''s being unreasonable and can''t comprehend why it''s taking so long. Does it really take this long to put together a proposal/get a nice ring?

 

[Mara]

well okay so you aren't even questioning him doing it, it's just a matter of when.

if that is the case, CHILL OUT. who cares how long it actually takes to put it together, i mean we all know it could take like a DAY if it had to, hahaha....but he's taking a while. you have to be okay with that. every gal in the history of the world has had to wait for the proposal (okay not EVERY since some propose themselves), you might have to wait a while. but i'd mentally set something for you to be like HEY whats up with that. or tell him 'you know what, i'd really like to be engaged by christmas'...and see what he says. have you tried that?

and also when i said go out with your friends more, i did not mean 'become inaccessible'....is that how you view going out with girlfriends? i love hanging out with my girfriends, it has nothing to do with my guy....it just might take your mind off this whole thing to start spending more girl time. spending time with some girlfriends or going shopping with a good girlfriend sometimes is just a great stress reliever. esp since my husband doesn't like to shop.

i guess the bottom line is, find things to do that might take your mind off the waiting, otherwise you will just become more and more consumed with the ring and proposal and that is not the way you want to go.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 11/2/2006 11:22:21 AM
Author: always.waiting
well he has pretty much told me he is not dragging his feet, and that i just have to be a little patient. i think we are past the stage of me being inaccessible so that he will be prompted into action. he says this a big deal and takes time to pull together. one time he got frustrated with all my questions he said, ''ok, if you really want ALL the details, I''ll tell you. If that''s what you want.'' I hedged and said no. I mean I don''t want to ruin the moment. But it''s hard to just keep waiting and I wonder if he''s being unreasonable and can''t comprehend why it''s taking so long. Does it really take this long to put together a proposal/get a nice ring?

Are you "waiting" for the actually moment of a romantic knee bending and a sparkly?? Or are you waiting to find out if you and this man want to spend the rest of your lives with each other. After 3 years and 1 year actually living together as a couple, do you and your boyfriend know yet?

 

[always.waiting]

we are way past knowing. we''ve taken things very slow and basically know each other inside and out. living together really kind of sealed things for both of us. We are integrated into each others'' families, and of course discussed our goals, hopes, values, thoughts on everything from kids to politics to pet peeves. Not as part of huge planned "talks", just from growing together in the past 3 yrs. The ring, proposal to me will be the formal seal on what already is in place. And to answer your question, that is the moment I am waiting for. There is no question that we are building a life together. But this is a big "sore spot" for me, because I am tired of waiting and waiting. I think it might be in the next 2 weeks or so. But if not, I might just explode from frustration and waiting so long.

 

[firebirdgold]

It can take more than two months for a guy to get a ring. Particularly if he''s trying to do something really special. First there''s deciding what type of diamond and what style ring. Then there''s finding the diamond. And finally getting the diamond set in a ring. Some manufactures take months to make a ring that''s customized to the diamond, partly I think because of the demand. Same with custom-made rings. There''s often a waiting list. Think of how long it can take women to get their wedding dress after they order it!!

The very fact that there are details he could tell you means (to me) that he actually is doing something about the ring. Hopefully he''s in the action phase not the still planning phase. It''s always possible that since he dragged his feet and knows that you were upset by it then he''s trying to do something special rather than just walking into a store and getting the first pre-made thing he sees!

I hate to say it, but guys do sometimes delay because we''re pestering him. I had a near argument with my fi when he told me (afterwards) that he pushed it back a month everytime I lost it and pestered him about our engagement. He says he was just joking and why would he say it if it was true since he knows I''d kill him... but... I wonder. I just dropped the subject.
It''s certainly something he thought about obviously. Mine honestly feels that the engagment is the guy''s thing and women should just not interfer too much. One thing he did do which caused me severe fits was lying to me about how much he had saved. So I saw him spending all this money on cd collections and games and got rather paranoid about how important I was to him. The evil sneak had already hit his saving mark!

I know that part of him felt that my getting all anxious was showing a lack of faith and trust in him and our relationship. Fortunately he knows I tend to get paranoid, as he calls it, and it only took 15 minutes to reassure me so it wasn''t a huge problem for us.

I think some men can be even more bothered by that and the reason they might push back the propsal is not because they want to punish the girl, but because the lack of trust really disturbs them and makes them question wether or not this is a good idea.

I say the signs are in your favor... but only you know if it''ll be too late by the time he does propose if it isn''t in the next couple of weeks. Honestly, if it feels like too little too late or if you feel at all resentful, don''t say yes!

 

[Cailet]

ok - I didn''t realize that you were definitely sure he was going to propose.

I would still say go out and have fun with friends / get caught up at work. Keeping busy will definitely make the time pass more quickly.

 

[ImpatientOne]

"I would still say go out and have fun with friends / get caught up at work. Keeping busy will definitely make the time pass more quickly."

Yeah, easier said that done, lol!!!

 

[janinegirly]

i second that!! the sentiment is correct of course. but it''s so much easier to lecture from a-far and say, just go out and hang out with da girls and forget about the years of waiting and that your life might change tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or maybe next year, who knows? Loss of control is a very difficult emotion to grapple with even if your goals are well within sight. Because you really dont know the outcome until it happens. And it''s unsettling to feel sure it''s coming, but not really know. Now before someone goes and says, YOU girls have control, you can LEAVE...that is not exactly equal ground for choices. The boy has 2 choices: to propose marriage/a life together, or not. The girl has the choice to end everything and leave and face certain heartbreak and months of mourning. That''s not much of a choice. Yes, sometimes it''s an inevitable necessity, but it''s not exactly one that anyone feels thrilled about. Anyway, I SYMPATHISE. It''s not easy, but gotta just power through. Men do not understand how difficult this phase is and maybe (i''m only guessing) women don''t understand how much pressure men feel to come up with the perfect ring and moment.

 

[Mara]

well, as a gal who was in the same position in 2004 where many of you gals are now...i remember what it was like to be super impatient and on pins and needles knowing it was coming very soon. but if you gals DO know it''s coming, distract yourself!!! it is easier said than done but i did it as did many other ladies who have been here for years, you DO power through it. but take pleasure in knowing it''s coming because you do want it, and enjoy your last few weeks, or months of your life the way it is because it does change!!

of course no one likes to wait for something you want badly, but anytime i felt mentally crazy i''d go out and shop or go to a movie with a girlfriend or bake some cookies or SOMETHING else to just kind of take my mind off of the whole thing. and eventually it happens and then you relax. well kind of because then you start wedding planning.

 

[Cailet]

Date: 11/2/2006 3:03:06 PM
Author: janinegirly
i second that!! the sentiment is correct of course. but it''s so much easier to lecture from a-far and say, just go out and hang out with da girls and forget about the years of waiting and that your life might change tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or maybe next year, who knows? Loss of control is a very difficult emotion to grapple with even if your goals are well within sight. Because you really dont know the outcome until it happens. And it''s unsettling to feel sure it''s coming, but not really know. Now before someone goes and says, YOU girls have control, you can LEAVE...that is not exactly equal ground for choices. The boy has 2 choices: to propose marriage/a life together, or not. The girl has the choice to end everything and leave and face certain heartbreak and months of mourning. That''s not much of a choice. Yes, sometimes it''s an inevitable necessity, but it''s not exactly one that anyone feels thrilled about. Anyway, I SYMPATHISE. It''s not easy, but gotta just power through. Men do not understand how difficult this phase is and maybe (i''m only guessing) women don''t understand how much pressure men feel to come up with the perfect ring and moment.

not really from afar! This is my method of beating the waiting anxiety

i think talking about the future really helps too - not necessarily in a "where''s my proposal" kind of way - but in a hey what do we think we are going to do with our future. and although that sounds the same - i mean more of the "what kind of familiy are we going to have / what kind of marriage are we going to have / what kind of wedding would we like" kind of way.

 

[janinegirly]

yea, i guess from afar refers to the ladies who are already married/engaged! Those who are stillll waiting as well, can probably relate. How''s this for making it tougher to distract myself: i sent off a happy anniversary card today to a good friend who met her husband after I met my bf, married (we attended the wedding) and now they are celebrating their 1 year. And all the while, still no ring on my finger. Yesterday i sent off a wedding gift/card to another good friend who divorced her husband, met her new husband and married..all in the time since I met my bf! I''m very positive in all my cards and never forget a date, anniversary, gift, pleasantry, but it is SO hard. I''m just so tired of waiting and being the person who congratulates everyone else and remains patient.
ok, thanks for listening to the mini vent and please excuse the hijack.

 

[therighttime]

Always Waiting,
I think a lot of us here are feeling a lot of the things you are feeling! If I had any magic answers, I''d pass them on to you. Everyone has given advice to stay busy, and also to discuss the future with bf casually without specifically mentioning a proposal/ring/wedding etc. I don''t have much to add to that. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My bf also told me in september it would be "very soon, within the next couple months." He talked to my dad and got his blessing the first of August. So... I know what you are going through with the waiting and wondering. I too feel like he is working on it, so therefore don''t to hinder any progress by constantly bringing it up. Then again, the waiting is frustrating.

Vent away here! That''s what it''s for.

Good luck!

 

[diamondglee]

I would also stop setting deadlines for yourself. If you arent going to act on them, they are pointless...afterall...it''s not you that had a deadline to meet...it him.

 

[always.waiting]

thanks righttime. good to know some can relate to my neurosis as i wait..and wait. will keep everyone posted. expect to hear a lot of venting from me in the meantime!

 

[Becky P]

always.waiting - I agree. There''s no point in setting mental deadlines if you''re not going to do anything about it. If I remember your story correctly, the two of you discussed a timeline together of June or July 2006. He missed the deadline because he was freaking out, and at some point, you gave him a two week deadline, which ended on Labor Day weekend when he went to visit his family without you - even though the two of you were originally planning to go together. Over Labor Day weekend, you kept saying you were going to leave, were going to move out, etc. He came home, was lovey dovey, and you decided to stay, but created this 2 month internal deadline that you didn''t tell him about because the other deadlines had not worked.

I''ve just got to ask, are you really sure that he''s going to propose?? It sounds like he''s realized that he can just walk all over you and that you''re not going to take any action. So, what, I ask is setting internal deadlines accomplishing? From what I can see, all it is doing is making you freak out more. You''ve got to decide to either wait patiently for the man who you love or you''ve got to decide that you''ve waited long enough and make some changes in your life. And, you need to find a way to find peace in the decision that you made. I''m not really sure what I''d do if I were you, but setting internal deadlines is getting you nowhere.

 

[always.waiting]

hmm, i guess it''s hard for people on the outside to understand to a degree. yes it makes no sense to set internal deadlines that i can''t meet. but we ALL come up with ways of trying to distract ourselves, and one way is to set a deadline so that the mind can relax. problem is, once the deadline rolls around, the huge amount of anxieties flow back.
i brought it up again last night. i couldn''t stop myself. he was exacerbated and said i''m not being rational bringing it up all the time. maybe he''s right. for me, i just can''t take this much longer. i looked in his cell phone and found some numbers he called recently and one was a diamond dealer (just checked it out). so he must be doing something and it made me feel better. now i have to TRY TRY TRY to hold it together for a little longer.
my purpose for being here right now is to vent to people who might understand what im going through. b/c i''m sure it looks crazy to many.
beckyp-what''s new with your situation?

 

[Mara]

well good luck holding it together...

honestly, i think a lot of us HAVE been there and DONE THAT and i am telling you from one woman to another, you need to find a way to relax yourself. and no mental deadlines that he inevitably misses is not the way to do it. nice cycle of anxiety driven OCD you have going on there. and getting his cell and checking out #'s?

vent all you want but you will get advice too and i think you need to find a way to calm yourself and be a wee bit more relaxed about waiting because if you KNOW it's coming, then seriously....enjoy the last bit of time you have on your own and daydream about planning the wedding or something. i mean if even your real life friends can't take listening to you about this topic anymore...doesn't that ring a small bell that maybe you should find a new method of relaxation? massage anyone?

 

[always.waiting]

ok suggestions to relax are fair and probably what i need to hear.
but no, checking out #''s on his cell or looking for clues isn''t crazy i don''t think. i remember someone suggesting on here to check out a bf''s cr card statement!
dont'' tell me no one checks their bf''s phone. i''m not looking to see if he''s called girls, i want to see if he''s really doing stuff b/c i''ve been waiting a hell of a long time. me seeing what i saw makes me relax and not bug him. which is what i need to do.
i really don''t vent about this stuff to my friends much anymore. b/c they''re pretty judgemental (many are married) and think they would never wait 3 yrs and i''m crazy etc etc.
but only the people in it know what they have.
is this how i''m normally like? no. but it''s been 3yrs and it''s down to the wire now, probably just a month or so away, so cut me some slack.

 

[KimberlyH]

I have been with my husband for 3 years, I have never once checked his cell phone for any reason, especially not behind his back. And just because someone else on a public message board checked out her boyfriend''s credit card statement behind his back doesn''t mean it''s okay for all women to start snooping in their boyfriend''s personal belongings. Being in a relationship does not negate ones right to privacy. If I were him and I knew you were doing such extreme things I wouldn''t be proposing either. He''s told you he''s working on it, you either trust him to do so or you don''t, but playing private investigator isn''t going to change anything about your relationship.

Yes, people are here to offer you support and a place to vent, but they are also here to provide some insight into life that you may not have, you open yourself up to it when you post on a message board. People often think they need a pat on the back when what they truly need is to open their eyes a bit to their behavior and see it''s a bit irrational and doing more damage to themselves and their relationship than good. Your relationship has been permeated by your need to get married and it sounds like you''ve taken much of the fun out of every day life by being so focused on being proposed to.

While you may percieve your friends as being judgemental, perhaps they have some valid points? If they are truly your friends they are looking out for you and your best interests.

 

[belle]

Date: 11/3/2006 11:30:35 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I have been with my husband for 3 years, I have never once checked his cell phone for any reason, especially not behind his back. And just because someone else on a public message board checked out her boyfriend''s credit card statement behind his back doesn''t mean it''s okay for all women to start snooping in their boyfriend''s personal belongings. Being in a relationship does not negate ones right to privacy. If I were him and I knew you were doing such extreme things I wouldn''t be proposing either. He''s told you he''s working on it, you either trust him to do so or you don''t, but playing private investigator isn''t going to change anything about your relationship.

Yes, people are here to offer you support and a place to vent, but they are also here to provide some insight into life that you may not have, you open yourself up to it when you post on a message board. People often think they need a pat on the back when what they truly need is to open their eyes a bit to their behavior and see it''s a bit irrational and doing more damage to themselves and their relationship than good. Your relationship has been permeated by your need to get married and it sounds like you''ve taken much of the fun out of every day life by being so focused on being proposed to.

While you may percieve your friends as being judgemental, perhaps they have some valid points? If they are truly your friends they are looking out for you and your best interests.

well said kimberly. very well said.

 

[janinegirly]

If I were him and I knew you were doing such extreme things I wouldn''t be proposing either.

wow, that''s kinda harsh kimberly. i hear ya on most of what you''re saying, but i gotta admit i''ve snooped (a lonnnggg time ago!). sort of juvenile of me, but i was so curious, and well, long story and in the past. anyway, i don''t think it''s that extreme. we have a few ppl on this board who are with some pretty crappy bf''s (no names to be mentioned) or crazy situations and we don''t go that far in our judgement of them. anyway, maybe i need to read some always'' old posts since i''ve just jumped in..
i wish her and all those waiting for a proposal before the holidays LUCK. waiting sucks! my way of distracting myself: planning a vacation!!!

 

[diamondglee]

I''ve never checked the cell phone of ANYONE i''ve been with. Regardless of WHAT you are looking for, that is a huge invasion of his privacy.

My FI and I have a shared cell phone plan, and I wouldn consider it.

 

[Mara]

kimberly, you said exactly what i was thinking!! and i didn't even have to compose it. hehee.

always...i would say the same thing to the person saying to check a cc statement...that's little out there too. checking the #'s and then calling them to check. what i am hearing here is you really don't trust that he is working on it?

i don't know why but it seems like sometimes the LIW's persist in believing that no one else 'understands' unless you are right in that situation this minute. but hello...once more with feeling...MANY OF US have been where you are now. I can totally sympathize with mentally waiting and kind of starting to go a little crazy.

BUT...i knew how to reign it in. i had friends i could vent to then be like 'ahh done' or i just went out and had some fun and took my mind off things. and every time someone told me to chill out and relax, i was thankful because they were the voice of reason and i was the crazy-waiting-gal who was thinking 'why isn't it here already'. i had to really stop and think okay they are right and they have my best interests at heart. maybe i should take a chill pill before i get an ulcer.

so you can take or leave the advice given here, and you can take our experiences and use them to help you, or you can persist with driving yourself slowly batty while you wait. the choice is totally yours. i try to help by putting my own experiences out there and that is all that i can do really. you gals make your own life decisions and that's as it should be. good luck.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/3/2006 11:43:41 AM
Author: janinegirly
If I were him and I knew you were doing such extreme things I wouldn''t be proposing either.

wow, that''s kinda harsh kimberly. i hear ya on most of what you''re saying, but i gotta admit i''ve snooped (a lonnnggg time ago!). sort of juvenile of me, but i was so curious, and well, long story and in the past. anyway, i don''t think it''s that extreme. we have a few ppl on this board who are with some pretty crappy bf''s (no names to be mentioned) or crazy situations and we don''t go that far in our judgement of them. anyway, maybe i need to read some always'' old posts since i''ve just jumped in..
i wish her and all those waiting for a proposal before the holidays LUCK. waiting sucks! my way of distracting myself: planning a vacation!!!

Janine,

Relationships are built on trust, if he''s said he''s going to propose and she doesn''t trust him to do so there is something wrong with their relationship that runs much deeper than being fixed with a ring and some lovey dovey words about forever. I didn''t say I would leave her if I were him, I just wouldn''t be proposing to someone who seemed so intent on being engaged that they invaded my privacy and didn ''t trust me to do what I said I would. She''s set three deadlines that have all been missed, which indicates to me that something is amiss in their relationship.

You mentioned you''d snooped, and you weren''t proud of yourself for it. So you agree, it''s not okay.

I would go as far as I did with anyone in a crappy relationship. So many women put themselves in predicaments such as this and then freak out when he doesn''t propose. I say, take control of and responsiblity for your life. If the man you love puts you in such an uncomfortable position, as still.waiting has been in since she started posting here, you have much bigger problems than not being engaged. Does this apply for all LIWs, absolutely not. Most of you are just a bit off in your timing but in relationships that appear to be headed towards marriage and happy endings. I do not get that impression from what still.waiting has said about her relationship.

I too hope everyone gets the proposal they''ve been dreaming of, and waiting does suck, but so does allowing an impending proposal to rule your life.

 

[dmbfan]

A.W.... you probably should have not mentioned that you checked his cell, you are just asking for trouble here.

Now we cant judge her actions without knowing their relationship. I gave my ex access to my accounts, she used my phone all the time and access my emails when she couldn''t get some things out of hers. I have nothing to hide, Even if she checked it behind my back, I still have nothing to hide . It did not bother me. To some that might be an issue, to others it may not, lets not judge...

A.W.
you guys have to remember most guys do not think this much about the engagement. I''m not saying they dont put thought into it. We figure out what we want to do, look into it and set a plan. Now when you are asking over and over, you will not get an answer you will like. A.W.. you need to chill, take that energy and get excited not worry if its going to happen. Lets say you set a deadline for xmas and this is when he has planned to do it. you will get so involved on the fact that your deadline is approaching that you will take much of your enjoyment out of it.

If he might be leaving by Fed-March and he has told you he wants to do it once, my best advise is to let it out here and be patient at home.

 

[always.waiting]

dmbfan, thank you so much. your post was so kind, fair and calm. It just helped me immensely.

mara, ok, i see more now what you're saying and admit you have some points. it's making me see my actions more (acting crazy, not enjoying the moment) and how they might be affecting the outcome. i still think some here might not know all the details and how much i was put through in the past and how it affected my self esteem. things are much better now between us, but i still harbor doubts, fears, and yes, maybe that comes across as distrust. anyway, i'll take what you said very seriously and try to make some changes. i'm just so out of sorts over all of this, i'm looking for relief in any form possible.

kimberly, i don't know, i don't like some of what you said. because it hurt. maybe you're right, but some of those lines just really hurt. dont' worry, i'm not looking for a lengthy explanation (in fact would rather not see it).