Someone grabbed my a$$ today...

[Deia]

work colleague...at work drinks...in front of my boss...boss came to me and said he will back me up if I want to go to HR...

Not sure how someone can think that is acceptable behaviour...

What would you do?

 

[reader]

HR while you have the support of management. This guy is a lawsuit waiting to happen. (He may even create one!)

 

[LGK]

Ugh. I'd totally go to HR. I had that happen to me, when I was 17 & working at a crap retail job in a ginormous low-end store- think Target but not as classy, lol. The 40-something creepy store manager grabbed my butt. I didn't do a darn thing, besides think "ew"- as an adult, I would definitely have reported him. I mean, if you don't do anything, he thinks it was OK, right? Gah some people are just wretched. Sorry that happened- how awkward and unpleasant. Least the boss saw it!

 

[Glitz]

You should go to HR, I can relate to the above post ... I was working at a crappy retail job and my creepy boss did the same thing. At the time I did nothing, but if that were me today I would set that creep straight. You don't deserve that, you're a classy respectable woman and should be treated that way, demand it!

 

[Porridge]

I would report him. Who the hell does he think he is? I really see red when someone grabs my ass. Ok, sometimes it can be fine amongst good friends joking around, but a co-worker, or a stranger in a pub?? I am not in the least bit violent normally but it's all I can do to keep from hitting them. Some guy grabbed my BOOB once and I whacked his hand away so hard I bruised my forearm (obviously I am not very good at hitting!). He slinked off pronto and I really think I would have hit him or kicked him if he hadn't, and I wouldn't have been a bit ashamed of myself.

Same goes for when a guy gives you that disgustingly obvious once-over. Like you're a piece of meat. You know the one I mean? He's just staring right at you with this cavalier, I-can-look-all-I-want expression. It's feels like a violation of privacy, I'm getting angry just thinking about it.

 

[PumpkinPie]

report it for sure - you deserve to be treated with respect

 

[katamari]

HR for sure. No doubt. My guess is that you will never feel comfortable around this person again.

 

[Indylady]

HR

That is infuriating, and degrading.

I don't know how friendly you are with this person, and I am sorry if you did ever consider him to be a friend. I know, many might think that my assessment of a holiday butt pinch is extreme, but I know that I would mortified if someone pinched my butt in front of my colleagues in a work environment. I have a lot of respect for myself--what a crushing blow to treat me like its ok for you to touch me in private places, and to do it publicly..

NO NO NO. Please, report him to HR.

 

[chiquitapet]

I completely agree with the posts above. Definitely go to HR. I`m sorry this happened to you but I`m glad your boss was there to see it.

 

[diva rose]

It's fantastic your boss is supportive.

If you don't feel comfortable reporting at this stage, at least have a meeting with your boss and the guy present.
Make it clear during the meeting his behaviour is NOT appropriate. Document it.
If he does it again, report him officially to HR.

I wish you all the best.

 

[atroop711]

I would report him. If he's allowed to do this without being reported, he will continue and God only knows how far he will eventually go with you or someone else.

 

[movie zombie]

not reporting it says you are ok with being treated in this manner.

not reporting it says that you tolerate unprofessional behavior which reflects that you may not be professional.

not reporting it means this person is free to escalate this behavior with you in the same circumstances....or worse when together and not observed.

not reporting it means that this person may do the same to someone else.

reporting it does mean that there is now a reported history attached to this individual: a good thing in my book.

reporting it does mean that you know how to set boundaries and defines you as a professional.

reporting it puts this person on notice that the work place will not tolerate this behavior.

reporting it means that you respect yourself and will set an example for other women who may have experienced such work place behavior but did not report it.

you have your boss as a supportive witness. most women are not so lucky. do not delay in report this to HR.

MoZo

 

[chrono]

not reporting it says you are ok with being treated in this manner.

not reporting it says that you tolerate unprofessional behavior which reflects that you may not be professional.

not reporting it means this person is free to escalate this behavior with you in the same circumstances....or worse when together and not observed.

not reporting it means that this person may do the same to someone else.

reporting it does mean that there is now a reported history attached to this individual: a good thing in my book.

reporting it does mean that you know how to set boundaries and defines you as a professional.

reporting it puts this person on notice that the work place will not tolerate this behavior.

reporting it means that you respect yourself and will set an example for other women who may have experienced such work place behavior but did not report it.

you have your boss as a supportive witness. most women are not so lucky. do not delay in report this to HR.

MoZo

+1 to MZ's post. Not reporting will actually send the wrong message that it's OK for anyone to do this to any co-worker.

 

[Haven]

Of course you should go to HR. I would have told the guy the moment he touched me that it was inappropriate and that he can't touch me at all, ever, and especially in a private place.

Then I would have asked my boss to go back to the office with me so we could draw up the necessary paperwork that instant.

I can't imagine anyone ever grabbing me, but if it happened I would be compelled to take immediate action.

 

[manderz]

I agree, you really should report it, to protect yourself and the other women in your office from this person. Especially since the boss has your back on this one. I can understand not wanting to go through the process, it's really kind of a pain. But, as someone who has been there, it really was better to report it. My situation happened when I was 16, and working fast food, and it was one of the bosses who gently kicked my in the butt, and although it was embarrassing and uncomfortable, my parents insisted that I report it, and steps were taken to rectify it. Looking back, I'm really glad it was done.

 

[KittyGolightly]

You should report it.

If your workplace is like mine, your supervisor is required to report sexual harassment if he witnesses it happening.

 

[Arkteia]

You must feel horribly. It is so nasty, demeaning when it happens to you. Ugly.
I, too, support going to HR. Among other things, the guy may have either a drinking problem or some more serious issues and need professional help. In fact, you going to HR might not only be the right thing given the seriousness of the situation - investigation by HR could push him to seek help and treatment.

 

[Deia]

Thanks for all the responses. I am sorry to hear several of you having had to go through the same. I am still so torn between reporting him or not.

I fear reporting him would be more hassle than it's worth but at the same time I don't want to send out the message that's it's ok to do that.

Right after it happened I made it clear I did not appreciate it and he apologised a few time, but it didn't feel sincere to me (I think he was a bit drunk)

I guess what is bothering me is that on Friday morning he did not think to apologise (even if again), which makes me think he didn't see it as a big deal - and that bothers me.

What I say next will probably make all of you think I'm silly for even toying with the idea of not reporting him to HR - he got done for sexual harrasment at his old company.

I am junior at my job (I know that is not a valid reason), I live in the UK, and it feels to me that here these things don't seem to be taken as seriously as in the US.

I'm worried he will get fired and everyone will know why (eventually they will it is inevitable), and because he holds an important position and I'm very junior I am worried people will resent me for it. I don't know, I know my reasoning may sound warped, I'm just really confused about whether to ofically reporting him or unoficially making my views clear to him.

 

[Indylady]

Deia, it is really is up to you. I know it is frustrating, and is harder on you to report it, but I do believe that you will also be proud of yourself for reporting him and standing up for yourself. In the long run, I am almost certain you will be proud and glad for having reported him. I can see the con's of reporting: embarrassment, feeling like you've made a scene, having everyone know..I get it. I am just so fired up for you. However, this is not small. You are not small.

Let me tell you this: No one will resent you for this. HE IS TO BLAME. HE is to blame for his own termination if he is terminated. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BAD BEHAVIOR.

Being drunk is NOT an excuse, it is NOT an explanation, it does NOT qualify you to be ABUSIVE to those around you. Because you are a junior, and he is your senior it is a total abuse of power.

Deia, what do your friends, family, and SO say about this?

 

[movie zombie]

why would anyone blame you if the has already been fired from another position for sexual harrassment? obviously, he didn't learn his lesson.........his choices, his consequences. not up to you to rescue him from himself.

i'd also note that your boss was right there and offered assistance: has it crossed your mind that they won't be unhappy to see this guy go?

MoZo

ps if you don't file and he does it again or worse to you, HR may not take you seriously because you didn't file on the first instance. and while he may leave you alone, what if he does something horrible to someone you know in the office? which bag of guilt would you rather carry? actually, no guilt at all: he made the decision to be what he is and you have no obligation to blame yourself and/or be an enabler for him.

additionally, he may already have crossed the line with someone else or many someone elses. firing usually doesn't happen on the first instance. in this instance, he'd definitely did not learn his lesson! and the only way HR can eventually toss his butt out is to have a track record of misbehavior.

doing the right thing is not always easy but not doing the right thing because it might/could/would be a hassle means the laws and rights we women have in the work place.....rights hard fought for.....are in jeopardy. to paraphrase the saying re democracy, a work environment free from sexual harrassment requires vigilance. good luck.

 

[VRBeauty]

Deia: Here's what would happen in my workplace: the first step would be to tell the offender that his behavior is not appropriate, hich you did. He apologized, even if he did it while drunk, which seems to suggest that your objection was noted and the transgression acknowledged. You could document it and not follow up unless he does something else offensive, or you could talk to your boss about it. The boss would likely talk to him about it and document the incident. He/she would probably notify HR, but he wouldn't necessarily get fired unless there have been other complaints lodged against him and this is part of a pattern (at your workplace).

So... document the incident, and If it's still bothering you, talk to your boss. Your boss should talk to (counsel) the offender, document the meeting, and let you know that he/she had that conversation... and that should stop the bad behavior. If not, additional steps should be taken. BTW the goal is to stop the offensive behavior, not to change his mind-set or to elicit a "sincere" apology (although those would be nice). But... the firm might take action if they're concerned that his behavior won't change, or that his attitude affect his ability to do his job (that they have to limit who he interacts with, or that clients might avoid doing business with him, for example.)

 

[Amys Bling]

it's an awkward position to be in. In one way you want to report it and stand up for yourself...other hand you have to deal with possible aftermath of reporting....


sorry this happened to you! If your boss saw and supports you, you are in a good position to report this jerk.

 

[Deia]

Thank you ladies. I've been thinking about what to do over the weekend...

After speaking to my other boss (I've got two bosses at the moment), he has suggested I go to HR. Not only that but due to his position, he is obligated to report this issue now that he knows of it. So, instead of him reporting it and me losing control over the situation, I am having a meeting with HR tomorrow.

I do sincerely hope that this can be quick and painless, although I am sure I will have to deal with the aftermath, which may not be pretty - I could potentially upset several people if this guy gets fired. Frankly I just want him to be issued a warning, but I don't know if that is possible within our company rules, I shall find out tomorrow...Honestly very worried about what I'm embarking on here...no idea what to expect.

 

[Andelain]

Good for you! You're helping every other woman there, not just yourself.

 

[TooPatient]

You're doing the right thing. Women (and men) deserve to be treated with respect. Period. Being drunk or in a senior position does NOT give anyone the right to behave that way -- EVER.

Please let us know how your meeting tomorrow goes.

 

[Porridge]

Good for you! You're helping every other woman there, not just yourself.

Ditto this. You are doing the right thing. I hope it is as painless for you as it should be.

 

[waterlilly]

Just curious...if this happened at a bar outside of work...what can HR do about it?

 

[dragonfly411]

water - She stated in the first post that it was at work drinks with the boss present.

If it were outside of work I'm not sure that there is much that HR could do.

 

[waterlilly]

water - She stated in the first post that it was at work drinks with the boss present.

If it were outside of work I'm not sure that there is much that HR could do.

I'm not sure what "work drinks" means I guess - was assuming that meant drinks after work with coworkers, not actually drinking on company grounds...that would be a big ol' 'asking for trouble' move on the part of her boss if so...

 

[waterlilly]

Hi Deia - how did the meeting with HR go?

Am curious if they were able to offer you any help with this jerk...