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So, So Tired of Waiting...

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LateFashionista

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
2
Hi ladies,
I''m a frequent lurker and I''ve come out of lurkdom to get some support from this wonderful board! I would never feel comfy admitting these feelings to my friends, but I know there are kindred spirits here and I guess I just need to vent.

Ok, here goes... FF and I have been together 4 yrs. In that time frame we''ve gone through a LOT together... job losses, moves, the whole nine yards. What doesn''t kill you as a couple makes you stronger, right? Well for the longest time I was content thinking that way. Our relationship has weathered so many storms that we are a better, stronger unit than most other couples we know. None of the storms have had to do with us as a couple, btw - they were mostly financial and job related stresses. FF was also going through a divorce when we met, and that caused him a ton of financial stress as well.

Fast forward 4 yrs and we are here, the best of friends, very much in love with each other, and both VERY ready for the next step. FF finally got back on his feet after a crippling job loss that left both of us very strained - I helped him out a lot in that time, even though I know people say that''s a bad idea. He''s been back in the workforce for 6 months now. We have always talked about marriage and both know thats where we will end up - in fact we definitely want to get married sometime next year.

The problem? Well, instead of feeling grateful for all that I have, all i feel is IMPATIENT! We picked out a ring and it''s been ready for 3 months now, but FF doesn''t have the funds to pay for it in full (I paid for part of the stone - which I would never admit to anyone but here on this board). The waiting is honestly killing me - so many of my friends have gotten engaged in the last year, and my relationship is the longest one to take to get to that step (they have mostly been anywhere between 8 months and 2 yrs - here we are at 4 and counting). Friends and family keep asking what the holdup is, and I don''t know what to say. They all know he was unemployed for a time, but I also made the mistake of telling them the ring was ready when it was. Now I feel like a fool - and an ungrateful woman on top of that! Because I really, really love him and understand the predicament he is in... and at the same time I just want to move forward in our relationship! We are not young and having kids is of utmost importance to me. I just feel like time is slipping away, and the longer it takes to get engaged, the longer it will take to be married and start the next phase.

I offered him money to help pay for the setting and he said no... he also said that it''s going to take a while and he''s sorry. He feels terrible and also angry at the circumstances. But I honestly can''t help how I feel. I don''t know what to do! The green eyed monster clutches me EVERY time I hear of another couple that''s "lapped" us even though I know they don''t have the strong foundation that we do. I get such a yucky feeling inside when people say "You''re next!" or tell me their engagement stories a bit nervously/cautiously (I notice these things). And even though of course I am happy for other people, deep down I constantly feel sorry for myself and this situation. And then I feel guilty given the current state of things with the economy and the rest of the world.

Why can''t I just accept my situation for what it is and stop acting like such a child?
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This is really consuming me and I can''t take it anymore!
 

~*Alexis*~

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,751
We have all been there dear!!! I am still waiting as well...i am #2 on the list....

Is it possible that you just get engaged w/o the ring? You have the stone and just tell people that you are undecided on the setting and want to get it right, or possibly get the stone set in a simple solitaire setting??

FFI was going though a divorce when we started seeing eachother and thats not an easy feat in itself, however, I try and focus on something else for the time being.

Could you possibly set a date and work on the wedding without the ring?
 

Amanda.Rx

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 20, 2008
Messages
903
Sorry to hear that you''re having a hard time with it!

I can''t really say that I''m in the same boat yet... but I can understand your frustration! It probably makes it a lot harder to know that your "biological clock" is ticking and you said you want to have kids before it gets to be too late. Have you expressed this concern with him?

I know that it probably would be awkward to set a date without having a formal proposal with a ring and the whole 9 yards, but you also sound like you''re old enough and mature enough to do it...

Impatience is a normal reaction- you do have a lot to be grateful for, but don''t beat yourself up over your emotions- you at least have reasons for being impatient! Just keep the communication open with him and let him know how you''re feeling about it all! That''s the best I can offer...
 

CNYHopeful

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 9, 2008
Messages
360
Sometimes it helps just to type like you did here. I know there''s no easy answer.

My SO keeps going back and forth between wanting to get married soon and prolonging the wait. Two weeks ago he said that he''d like to get married next year. This weekend he said he''s not ready and doesn''t want to think about it, that he feels overwhelmed and that he has no clue when he''ll be ready. He said it won''t be a 5 year wait but could be quite some time. That doesn''t make it any clearer for sure!

I guess you''re in a much more anticipatory situation, since you know he has the diamond. Sometimes the guy just needs to know that it''s all his idea and that there''s no expectation on our end. Impossible, I know. On the other hand, I recognize they do take the financial aspect to heart. Why they end up purchasing a weight set orsnow blower, and make an endless list of things they have no problem buying but cannot save up for a ring, I don''t know. I tried to tell my SO once that he could put his wishlist on a wedding registry, but that just made him more resolved to buy them himself.
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Just can''t take it to heart. They don''t see any of it as a reflection of how they feel towards you. The truth is that he knows your concerns if you''ve voiced them and he will get around to making your dreams come true when he can and is ready.
 

radiantquest

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 20, 2008
Messages
2,550
i can kinda understand what you are going through. i dont have a "need" for babies yet, but we are not financially where we would like to be and am waiting for my ering. it is currently on lay way, however we decided to get married anyway. we were married in september and i currently wear a cheapo wedding band that means the world to me. dont know if this will help ease your mind, but that is where i am sitting.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
I''ve been there, honey! I know how difficult this situation is, and I''m sorry that there''s nothing we can say to make the impatience and disappointment go away.

The best we can do is remind you to enjoy what you have right now--a partner, a strong relationship, and a bright future.

Stick around LIW, there''s a lot of great support here and we''re always here to listen.
 

ckrickett

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 26, 2008
Messages
5,346
oh that makes me sad to hear. I know a lady mentioned maybe getting engaged w/out the ring? I think that would be a good idea, or the simple setting.
Don''t fret tho, it will happen and at least you know he wants to be there for you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. His pride is probably wounded tho because of the money situation and he probably feels like it is his duty to pay for the ring fully (altho I don''t see anyhting wrong with a woman paying for part of it if she wants to, totally up to the couple) so let him do that!

But I know your day will come and I hope it comes sooner then later for you!
good luck!
 

purrfectpear

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
4,079
Unfortunately you set yourself up for this when you picked out a ring that wasn''t in the budget. You already picked a diamond that was beyond his ability to pay for alone. You could have been engaged with a ring that he could afford with the money he had on hand.

I''m afraid you really do need to have patience now.
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megster84

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 23, 2008
Messages
62
You are def in the right place. A lot of us are in similar situations, so the board is a great place to bring up hard to talk about things. I know money is an obstacle for a lot of us who are trying to start the next phase of life. I don''t think anyone has found the answer yet, but if you have ladies please share!! Maybe sit down and talk to him about how he feels if you start quietly putting wedding details together, that way when he is ready to pop to the official question, you two will have a short engagement, then your overall timeline will be shorter. Just a thought...but welcome to PS!
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
I feel sorry for you, because I also felt that bizarre NEED to have a child. It's not a biological clock, it's a desperate, aching hunger that is more like the need to finally consume a long-postponed meal... or to fulfill some other very basic animal/human analogy!!!

Only those that haven't experienced it could just brush it off as 'impatience', or some other thing. If your man really knew how you were feeling, he probably wouldn't want you to wait - either that or he'd run a million miles, I guess!

I remember when I got engaged, my heart sank when my man told me we would have to wait for almost a year to marry. He wanted us to travel back to be with our parents and have the typical family wedding. I knew it was reasonable. I was desperately trying to hold it together on the baby / sanity front. The obsession with marriage and kids was my little secret.

Yuck, if only men knew the full truth about women's experience of romance! The world might be a different place! Maybe a happier, more accommodating place!

For a few months after my engagement, I was still kind of on edge, thinking about how I would have preferred to have enjoyed married life, and then after maybe a year or so of 'bonding', get pregnant...so I really very badly wanted to hurry the whole process along!

However, the world doesn't really seem to run to a woman's inner clock, necessarily. I ended up throwing my BC away a few weeks before my wedding, and was pregnant before I was back from honeymoon...

Better to try and stay calm, enjoy this happy time as much as you can, and make the most of your remaining time as a couple. Your man probably doesn't have that clear divide between 'being married' and 'being co-habitated' (or whatever). When you are knee-deep in nappy poo, you will want to remember that you lived your pre-children life to the full!

All the best hey,

L.
 

fieryred33143

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
6,689
I agree with everyone else that I have been there!

I also agree with PP that some of the waiting was brought on by choosing together a ring out of budget. I think that what I really want to highlight out of your post is this:

Fast forward 4 yrs and we are here, the best of friends, very much in love with each other, and both VERY ready for the next step.

You are both on the same page and as you said very much in love. Unfortunately there is nothing to do about having that anxiety feeling go away but just remember to take it one day at a time. After getting engaged its all marriage talk so take this time to just enjoy being boyfriend and girlfriend before that chapter ends and a new exciting one begins.
 

babylove

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 2, 2008
Messages
46
I understand waiting to get engaged....I have SOOOO been there!! My SO and I have been together for over 6 years and we JUST got engaged...it can be an extremely hard and agonizing wait at times....so I totally understand being together for longer than couples around you, who are getting engaged, so it makes things even harder...

I found it really medicinal to watch wedding shows, "who''s wedding is it anyway"..."say yes to the dress" and look at wedding stuff online without actually making any plans. I knew we were going to get engaged, so what''s wrong with just looking at wedding stuff? You can look at things from what to do at a wedding shower and games to play, to honeymoon locations/hotels/ideas, all that really helped me get my mind off the actual engagement and look forward to what I knew was going to happen. Try to keep yourself busy and, as hard as it is, try to look forward rather than focusing on the actual engagement, especially since you know you want to get married next year! That''s wonderful and you should definitely start getting some ideas together!

Another solution...would it be possible for your SO to get you a temporary setting for the ring? There are many beautiful temporary settings out there that are inexpensive and you could wear it until your SO gets the permanent one. That could also allow you to be part of the ring selection process, if that is something that you would want. That might be a really good solution since he already has the diamond. People all over price scope would have TONS of ideas for temporary settings and could send you links if you were interested.

And, as MUCH as the waiting absolutely kills...I''m sure that the wait is killing your SO too and he is just as anxious as you are to get engaged!! He also loves you so much and wants to make it perfect for you, so keep that in mind and maybe the wait will be just SLIGHTLY easier...(maybe)
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Hang in there! We all know what you''re going through!
 

KCCutie

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 22, 2008
Messages
602
Oh hun I totally feel for you! I''m right there with you! Only he''s not the unemployed one...I am. We had all these great plans and I was all psyched up to get engaged in September and move into our new home and WHAM! Of course no job meant no house and I''ve had to move in with him inhis apartment just to make ends meet. I know my SO is just terrible at budgeting and while I spend as much time as I can looking for a new job I spend the rest of my time obssesing over how I can help him save money so he can buy me the ring he wants to get. To make matters worse it sem like half his family has gotten engaged this year and we have 2 weddings this fall where everyone asks me (not him just me *grrr*) when we''re going to get engaged. Iknow it can''t be soon because of the money issues and the fact that my job loss is causing this just eats me up.

I just remind myself that he does love me very much and he wants to get engaged as much as I do, but we couldn''t have planned for what happened and we just have to be responsible and wait until the money is there. It''s hard...I know it''s really hard but somethings in life just can''t be controlled. It does help me to think of ways to help him save maybe you could do that...not paying for the ring but helping him find cheaper car insurance or cutting back the cable package....that way he has more money to put towards the ring every month. Every time I leave the grocery store and look at how much I saved clipping coupons or choosing cheaper dinner choices I smile knowing I''m that I''ve helped him get that much closer to our goal.

I hope that if nothing else it has helped you to get this all out here. Remember we''re here for you!
 

Deelight

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
5,543
I know it is hard at the time but if it is all essentially a done deal and he is just waiting for the funds to pay off the ring then I would just rest and let it be otherwise it might just become something that you and he resent.

You know he loves you and wants to marry you, just try and sit back and enjoy the last of your LIW days they will be over before you know it :).
 

vita*dolce

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 15, 2008
Messages
764
oh, LF. you have found exactly the right audience for the airing of this grievance. we all understand how you''re feeling, so i hope you know that you''re not alone. waiting is hard, but it will all be worth it when you''re engaged to marry someone you love so much and it''ll be all the sweeter because have waited so long!

keep your chin up, we''re all cheering for you!
 

mynewobsession

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 26, 2008
Messages
58
It''s amazing how similar our stories are... really. My BF and I have been together for just over 7 years now and we''re basically in the same boat as you. We''ve been through it all from him moving across the country to be with me, both of us suffering job losses at different times, putting me through school for my BA... we''ve been through more than many couples who have been married for a decade!

It can get VERY disheartening when good-intentioned friends and family are constantly asking us what the hold up is. We are 100% committed to one another and we want to have a wedding but we''re both horrible savers (him more than me). Like CNYHopeful put it - it''s hard not to take it personally when he spends large chunks of change on "toys" for himself but yet he deems it nearly an impossible task to save for a ring!!

My best advice is TALK TO HIM. Come up with a plan that you can both live with. Coincidentally, we just had the big talk last night and we''re both feeling a bit relieved ever since. We came up with an estimated date, figured out how much we had to put away each paycheck until then, and he agreed to let me put a small amount towards my ring to help out so that I can get the one I want. We also decided that once we do get married, we''ll use some of the money we get as gifts towards tuition for him to go back to school - which was one of his reasons for wanting to put off the wedding. I feel so much better now that we''ve come up with a mutal agreement rather than waiting in silence and letting my resentment grow!

Hope you can do the same! Good luck. :)
 

Dreamgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 25, 2008
Messages
5,070
Im sorry about that! But it seems like you are furher down the road then you realize. At least he has a ring! Eventually he will pay it off and you two will finally be engaged. Hang in there! This is a great place for support!!!

And a BIG WELCOME to you!!!
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jcarlylew82

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 23, 2008
Messages
413
Date: 10/28/2008 9:27:26 AM
Author: fieryred33143
I agree with everyone else that I have been there!


I also agree with PP that some of the waiting was brought on by choosing together a ring out of budget. I think that what I really want to highlight out of your post is this:


Fast forward 4 yrs and we are here, the best of friends, very much in love with each other, and both VERY ready for the next step.


You are both on the same page and as you said very much in love. Unfortunately there is nothing to do about having that anxiety feeling go away but just remember to take it one day at a time. After getting engaged its all marriage talk so take this time to just enjoy being boyfriend and girlfriend before that chapter ends and a new exciting one begins.
I have to agree. And mostly becuase i am in your situation too (except i have not told anyone but my stylist about the ring). We put on on layaway. the stone comes from my grandmother. the setting is about 800 more than my orginal budget, but E loved the style, and i want him to have a part in this ring as well. So now that two payments have been made, we are 9 months to go. i just think its around the same time as our yearly vacation, so that gives me a future date to look forward too.
As for you, unfortunately you did dig a hole..but dont worry, its a small one! like others said try keeping busy other ways. i know its hard (i am having a problem too!!)

And talk about with your guy re: getting a separate temp ring and getting engaged early?
 

LateFashionista

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
2
Thanks for the candid & supportive replies, ladies! I do feel a lot better today and have stopped beating myself up about this. It really helps to know so many of us have been in this boat and feel the same things I''m feeling now!

~*Alexis*~ - The ring is already done, so that''s not an option! I wish it was... but what''s done is done, I guess. Isn''t divorce so tricky to deal with in the early days?
Amanda.Rx - Yes, I''ve talked about it with him... I''m in my early 30s and he''s in his early 40s so my concern is more with his age when we have kids. But there''s nothing I can do to change that - not now or ever! We''re just not getting any younger, ya know?
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CNYHopeful - You''re so right! It helped just to write this out and get it off my chest. I''m sorry your man is going back and forth about getting married. Is he in his 20s by any chance? He may not feel ready financially - a lot of men seem to think this way! (which is very smart)
radiantquest - I think the layaway idea is fantastic! Had that been an option I would have been more than happy to do that. I hope you get your ring soon! And congratulations on your recent wedding!
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Haven - You''re super kind! Thanks for the reminder... I feel lucky to have found a community where I can voice these concerns without feeling totally embarrassed! And also of course lucky to have him in my life.
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ckrickett - His pride is definitely wounded - you hit it right on the head. He barely agreed to let me pay for part of the stone as it was. I think I will just let things be for now.
purrfectpear - You are right - BUT, when we picked out the ring he had the funds to pay for it in full. There were unexpected expenses that came up afterward that I won''t get into here. So you could say it was a very unfortunate turn of events! That''s why I pitched in for the stone to begin with...
megster84 - Thank you for the welcome!
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I feel there are a lot of kindred spirits here... if only our men could see this board! A short engagement is definitely on the horizon if we want to get married by fall of next year.
LaraOnline - Please don''t feel sorry for me!
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This line cracked me up: "When you are knee-deep in nappy poo, you will want to remember that you lived your pre-children life to the full!" Thank you for that!!! lol... I''m relieved that so many people understand. Your kids are adorable, btw - I''m happy that your hunger for motherhood came true so quickly after you got married!
fieryred33143 - You''re right, the anxiety feeling won''t go away... but I guess it''s part of the "fun"??
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babylove - Thank you! Your post was spot-on... I know that after 6 yrs you must know exactly how I feel! Congratulations on your engagement! I like the idea of focusing on the wedding for now... just throwing ideas around in my head. Now is as good a time as any!
KCCutie - Oh no, sweetie! I''m so sorry you''re dealing with the ugliness of unemployment too. It can be really, really difficult and overwhelming. But what made it easier for us was having a strong foundation and always remembering to laugh in the face of adversity. It''s a cliche, but it''s so true! You have a very positive outlook and that''s inspiring!
Deelight - You are so right! I am not going to let this eat at me any longer. I guess it''s like being a kid at Christmas and not being able to wait one more second until you can open your presents. There''s some fun in the anticipation of it all.
vita*dolce - It helps tremendously to know I am not alone!!!
mynewobsession - Wow, our stories really are similar! I''m so glad you had a talk with him last night and that things are better now! I know how hard it can be to do that. But being on the same page is so, so important.
Dreamgirl - Amen, sister! I couldn''t have asked for better support in the last 24 hours!
jcarlylew82 - It''s good to know that I am not the only LIW who''s contributed to her own ring. I actually think that idea is kinda cool - the ring celebrates the union of two people, so why not be a joint effort? I hope the 9 months flies by for you!

Ladies - THANK YOU again! I am really overwhelmed by all your support and kind words!
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Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Late, I really feel for you...and I don''t want to come off as being unkind...but, in all honesty, if he cannot afford it--then there is no reason to keep harping on the issue. Money isn''t something that you can talk about and figure out, or stumble upon...you either have it, or your don''t. If he doesn''t have the money, then by pushing the issue you''re putting him in an uncomfortable place.

Continue to visit the board, and hopefully you''ll feel better soon...but in the mean time, you need to chill...you picked an expensive ring in a wrecked economy...and now you''re "paying the price"--no pun intended.
 

jcarlylew82

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 23, 2008
Messages
413
style="WIDTH: 99.25%; HEIGHT: 130px">Date: 10/28/2008 9:03:28 PM
Author: LateFashionista
Thanks for the candid & supportive replies, ladies! I do feel a lot better today and have stopped beating myself up about this. It really helps to know so many of us have been in this boat and feel the same things I''m feeling now!

jcarlylew82 - It''s good to know that I am not the only LIW who''s contributed to her own ring. I actually think that idea is kinda cool - the ring celebrates the union of two people, so why not be a joint effort? I hope the 9 months flies by for you!
And don''t let anyone tell you different! I''m proud that i can contribute. youre 100% right, its a joining of TWO people. not one persons bank account.

Anyways, glad you are feeling better! we''re always here!!
 

mynewobsession

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 26, 2008
Messages
58
As someone who has lived with her BF for several years, I think it''s silly to say that "he''s buying me the ring" anyway... at this point, his money is my money and vice versa! I''m proud to contribute as well.
 

LoveRoundBrillants

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 28, 2008
Messages
124
You are not alone in how you feel, I fee exactly the same way. Almost every where i look someone is getting engaged...it sucks! But we have to hang in there, and remember what we do have...
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DearBuddha

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 24, 2008
Messages
698
I understand how you feel. My husband and I have been together for 9 years (today is the anniversary of when we got together, actually), and we were together for 7 before he even began to think of marriage. Granted, we started dating when we were in high school, and we never really thought of marriage in college.

Sometime around the three year mark of living together, I started to wonder if it was going to happen. We had been out of college for a while, both working in jobs we enjoyed, and both 100% confident that this was it-we would talk to each other in terms of inevitability: "WHEN we get married", "can we have this at the wedding?", ect.

The only thing is, he never once asked me about rings. We''d talk in abstract terms about our wedding or marriage, but the ring issue never came up. At first I was fine with, but after a year of ifs and maybes, I started to get upset. If he wasn''t bothering to talk about rings, how could I be sure he had intentions of proposing to me? I was very emotional, always on edge when news of our friends'' engagaments broke, but I always hid it from him because I didn''t want to look needy or pushy. My birthday was in March, and he took me on a romantic trip to Santa Monica. I was crushed when he didn''t propose.

Two months later, and back in Santa Monica, he proposed. I was beyond shocked, mostly because I can read him so well and I love him, but he''s certainly not the smoothest guy in the world (I figured when the time came, it would be so obvious).

My rather long and drawn out point is, I completely understand your feelings. You''re in love, you want to take the next step, but it feels like everything is moving in slow motion around you. If you know the proposal and marriage is a definite, you can be content with that. Rushing the process might even take away from it. I know it stinks to be anxious and want it NOW, but honestly, in retrospect, I''m glad for the time frame-it instilled in me the absolute belief that this guy was for me, that I wanted to be with him, and that I was in fact ready to get married.

My advice to you is to find things to distract you for the time. Or compromise with your SO on what you can do to ease your waiting. You can always get engaged without a ring. You can start to plan the wedding now and when the time comes that he can give you the ring you want, you''re already passed that step and moved onto the next thing. Patience is hard, but it certainly is a virtue.
 

gladyskristen

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 24, 2006
Messages
783
Hang in there honey! I''m in the same boat as you! We''re almost there!
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