So my brother is gay and my family doesn''t know...

[Shoopy]

I, or I guess we, need some advice.

My little brother is gay (I guess not little, he''s going on 21). He had the opportunity to come out to me when he was 17 but my mother found out in a very traumatic way. The whole experience was just horrible. My mom hasn''t gotten over it and she hasn''t accepted that he is gay but we''re all at peace with everything and our family is starting to get back to the way it used to be.

The problem though is that the rest of our family does not know. None of our cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. know. The only person outside of the four of us that knows is my FI. Everything was fine until my family discovered facebook.

Now, a bunch of our cousins have requested my brother as their friend. Although my brother hasn''t come out to the family because he says he isn''t ready (I suspect its more because of my mother), he hasn''t hidden it from his friends and on his facebook it''s obvious that he is gay. He called me this morning and was upset because everyone is requesting him and he doesn''t know what to do. I told him that not accepting them would be weird since he''s close to all of these cousins but that maybe he can restrict what they see if he doesn''t want them to see certain things.

The whole thing is giving me anxiety. My family, unfortunately, are not very accepting. Plus, since my brothers weren''t raised with a man in the house my family have made comments in the past about how my brothers would be "better" people if they had a man around them (two uncles made this comment because my brothers never played sports

)

I guess I don''t really know what kind of advice I''m really looking for. I just needed to vent because besides talking to him and my FI about everything, I really can''t talk to anyone else about it...

 

[brightlight]

Date: 8/7/2009 1:53:58 PM
Author:fiery
I, or I guess we, need some advice.

My little brother is gay (I guess not little, he''s going on 21). He had the opportunity to come out to me when he was 17 but my mother found out in a very traumatic way. The whole experience was just horrible. My mom hasn''t gotten over it and she hasn''t accepted that he is gay but we''re all at peace with everything and our family is starting to get back to the way it used to be.

The problem though is that the rest of our family does not know. None of our cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. know. The only person outside of the four of us that knows is my FI. Everything was fine until my family discovered facebook.

Now, a bunch of our cousins have requested my brother as their friend. Although my brother hasn''t come out to the family because he says he isn''t ready (I suspect its more because of my mother), he hasn''t hidden it from his friends and on his facebook it''s obvious that he is gay. He called me this morning and was upset because everyone is requesting him and he doesn''t know what to do. I told him that not accepting them would be weird since he''s close to all of these cousins but that maybe he can restrict what they see if he doesn''t want them to see certain things.

The whole thing is giving me anxiety. My family, unfortunately, are not very accepting. Plus, since my brothers weren''t raised with a man in the house my family have made comments in the past about how my brothers would be ''better'' people if they had a man around them (two uncles made this comment because my brothers never played sports

)

I guess I don''t really know what kind of advice I''m really looking for. I just needed to vent because besides talking to him and my FI about everything, I really can''t talk to anyone else about it...

In the perfect world, your brother would be able to come out and your family would be accepting. However, life''s not perfect. If your brother is not ready to come out, I would suggest possibly setting up a separate facebook account for just family and have him request them as friends to that account. You can also block them from seeing certain aspects of your account but not all, and this doesn''t always work. I blocked one "friend" from seeing my wall but they still see all my posts anyway just not anyone else''s posts on my wall.

 

[brightlight]

I also wanted to mention that sometimes even when people request you as friends and you just let the request linger in your account, they can view your wall. I know this, because when I request friends I can see their updates and profile sometimes even though they haven''t accepted my request yet.

 

[phoenixgirl]

That's really tough, and I guess the question of when/how to tell the rest of the family is primarily up to your brother.

I can tell you, though, that it's possible to set your privacy controls so that you can accept people as friends without them being able to see much of your profile at all. I did this to my MIL, for example. I made a friend list called "limited profile," and then I set all the privacy controls so that anyone I added to that list couldn't see my pictures, my status updates, or my wall posts. Basically all the person can see is my interests and a few pictures from a photo album I didn't censor.

Here's how:

First, go to Friends, then click "Create" under the Friend Lists on the left. Call it Limited Profile or whatever you want. Then go to Privacy Settings. Under Profile you can block anyone on that list from seeing whatever you want -- your profile info, status updates, wall posts, photos tagged of you, etc. Click on "Customize" under "Who Can See This?" and then type in the name of the friend list you created under "except these people." To set your own photo album privacy settings, go to your own profile, then click on Photos. At the bottom, click on Album Privacy. For each album you can dictate if a person or list can't see it. Then when you accept people you don't want seeing everything on your page, just select "add to friend list" and add them to your Limited Profile friend list as you are accepting them, and right from the get-go they'll be limited in their access to your page.

It's true that the person might figure out that your profile is so sparse that you must be blocking some of the content, but you can always deflect htat with, "Oh, you're right, I'm really careful with my privacy" and then change the subject.

So anyway, this situation doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation in terms of revealing his sexuality vs. rejecting his family members' requests. He can choose the middle road and buy himself some more time before deciding who/when/how to tell.

 

[cara]

The most you can do is offer love and support and back your brother up in whatever he decides to do, and be prepared that if he is out of facebook, the day is coming sooner or later when he will be out to the extended family and that he may need some extra support when that happens.

Right now, however, he does have a choice. Either to come out to the extended family now and deal with the fall out or decide to closet himself to them for the time being, to give himself more time to prepare and his mother a little more time to deal or practice her denial, whichever is the case.

If he friends his cousins, etc., on facebook, that is effectively coming out and he needs to be prepared. Prepared for *some* amount of pushback and negative comments from others, and especially for some comments to his mother that he would probably rather spare her. However, I would be surprised if everyone's reaction was negative in this day and age, at least among his own generation, its just that the people with negative reactions will be the ones he is worried about.

If he wants to remain in the closet to the extended family, I think he declines or ignores their friend requests. It is technically possible to make different categories of friends and restrict some lesser friends from seeing pictures, etc, but unless he is super diligent and technically savvy this approach is a risky one. One slip up and its out. AND even if he does decline the family members as friends, putting up the information on facebook makes it semi-public and he should not have a high expectation of privacy for that material. I think it will come out eventually, and you should probably remind him of that - facebook is not private, and he shouldn't expect that stuff he puts on facebook will be kept from his extended family forever.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 8/7/2009 2:04:38 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
That''s really tough, and I guess the question of when/how to tell the rest of the family is primarily up to your brother.

I can tell you, though, that it''s possible to set your privacy controls so that you can accept people as friends without them being able to see much of your profile at all. I did this to my MIL, for example. I made a friend list called ''limited profile,'' and then I set all the privacy controls so that anyone I added to that list couldn''t see my pictures, my status updates, or my wall posts. Basically all the person can see is my interests and a few pictures from a photo album I didn''t censor.

Here''s how:

First, go to Friends, then click ''Create'' under the Friend Lists on the left. Call it Limited Profile or whatever you want. Then go to Privacy Settings. Under Profile you can block anyone on that list from seeing whatever you want -- your profile info, status updates, wall posts, photos tagged of you, etc. Click on ''Customize'' under ''Who Can See This?'' and then type in the name of the friend list you created under ''except these people.'' To set your own photo album privacy settings, go to your own profile, then click on Photos. At the bottom, click on Album Privacy. For each album you can dictate if a person or list can''t see it. Then when you accept people you don''t want seeing everything on your page, just select ''add to friend list'' and add them to your Limited Profile friend list as you are accepting them, and right from the get-go they''ll be limited in their access to your page.

It''s true that the person might figure out that your profile is so sparse that you must be blocking some of the content, but you can always deflect htat with, ''Oh, you''re right, I''m really careful with my privacy'' and then change the subject.

So anyway, this situation doesn''t have to be an all or nothing situation in terms of revealing his sexuality vs. rejecting his family members'' requests. He can choose the middle road and buy himself some more time before deciding who/when/how to tell.

Unfortunately, this probably won''t solve your problem. I''ve tried this, and it works if your friend only uses Facebook on the computer. However, they can still see your wall posts if they have the Facebook application on their phone.

 

[Shoopy]

Thanks for your input.

I think the idea of setting up a separate account may make more sense.

I would love for everything to just be out in the open. I know that he doesn''t want to because of my mom. When my mom found out she made some pretty stupid comments about how she''s a failure and its her fault

. My mom also cried a lot and my brother has said that he never wants to put her through that again. I feel for him because he can''t be who he really is

 

[WishfulThinking]

I feel like I should weigh in since I am currently dealing with a somewhat similar situation. Having been there done that--and even barring an unsupportive nuclear family member, which wasn''t an issue for me--this, quite frankly, sucks. And it really will continue to suck for the rest of his life if he doesn''t find some way to address it that makes him comfortable. I say "him" because imho the solution should really be what makes HIM comfortable rather than him adjusting his facebook account/the rest of his life, etc. to make other people comfortable. Because let''s face it, being gay will always make SOMEONE uncomfortable; it''s just sort of life as usual for us.

For me, since I''m married and my married info is on facebook, everyone who accepts me as a friend can see that I am married. My rule is that if they are close enough to me that I''ve accepted their request they can deal with the info on my profile, and that since my profile is my space that reflects my life it will not be adjusted for anyone else''s comfort. This works for me since I am not uncomfortable with people knowing I am gay at this point--I am only slightly older than your brother, but I''ve been "out" since I was 12 and am married to another woman, so at this point in my life I don''t feel it makes sense to lie to everyone or always censor what I tell people about my life, and I''m not comfortable doing so anyways. If I can deal with people spitting on me at equality rallies I can deal with some weird, uncomfortable silences from family members who would rather I meet their heteronormative expectations.

All that said, since it sounds like your brother isn''t comfortable with family members knowing about his sexuality, his best bet would be to put them on limited profile and block their ability to see his "interested in" info. The info posted here about how to do that is I think correct, and unlike the wall post issue or picture comments [which sometimes allow me to see the locked photo albums of people I am not friends with because a friend of mine has commented on it], the "interested in" and relationship categories can be successfully blocked with no problem. If and when your brother does decide to make his sexuality more known and come out to your family, he can change those. If erasing all hints toward his sexuality will completely butcher his profile... I don''t know what to say. I know mine would have to be totally redone to erase that info. However, and this might just be me talking but it''s the advice I give to queer youth I volunteer with when they encounter this sort of situation, is that he should look at why it is he is worried about coming out to them. If it''s really because he is uncomfortable that is totally fine, but if it''s because he''s afraid your mom will be upset that your relatives know, I would advise him that eventually people will find out, and eventually he will have to grow up and become an adult who can make his own decisions about whether to disclose this information regardless of what Mom says. When one is in a serious relationship it is VERY difficult to continue to omit this sort of information from your life and people will probably find out anyways.

So I wrote a novel here, but as we speak I have a pending facebook friend request from a cousin of mine who lives in Portugal--I just returned from a visit there. I know my grandmother will freak out [she knows I am married to S] if this cousin finds out I''m gay from my facebook page because she is worried about what everyone will think. I am working up the courage to friend her anyways because it would be great to stay in touch with her and I know she wouldn''t give a damn anyways. I will eventually friend her, but knowing it might give my grandmother a heart attack is disappointing and stressful for me. Good luck to your brother.... it''s hard now and it surely won''t get much easier [you guys live in Florida, right? That will make it even harder.]

 

[brightlight]

Date: 8/7/2009 2:18:39 PM
Author: fiery
Thanks for your input.

I think the idea of setting up a separate account may make more sense.

I would love for everything to just be out in the open. I know that he doesn't want to because of my mom. When my mom found out she made some pretty stupid comments about how she's a failure and its her fault

. My mom also cried a lot and my brother has said that he never wants to put her through that again. I feel for him because he can't be who he really is

I think this is the simplest and easiest option for him RIGHT NOW. That way, he just needs to make up a reason for the separate account like the other one is for business associates only or frat brothers only instead of telling more lies or constantly worrying about whether his privacy settings are working.

I feel for you and your brother. This is a really difficult situation.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 8/7/2009 2:18:39 PM
Author: fiery
Thanks for your input.


I think the idea of setting up a separate account may make more sense.


I would love for everything to just be out in the open. I know that he doesn''t want to because of my mom. When my mom found out she made some pretty stupid comments about how she''s a failure and its her fault

. My mom also cried a lot and my brother has said that he never wants to put her through that again. I feel for him because he can''t be who he really is

Just saw this after I posted my novel.

Yeah, it''s a hard situation. I don''t have a lot of advice about dealing with unsupportive family you see on a regular basis; thankfully all mine is abroad or just not in close contact, which makes it easier. While right now your brother says he never wants to put your mom through whatever she goes through when the truth is mentioned, he might decide a bit later on that she might just have to deal with it if he enters into a serious relationship. It''s a lot easier to hide your life when only your own feelings are at stake, but dating someone who is closeted is stressful and awful and many people will bypass that. At some point a balance has to be reached between your life as an adult and adult relationships which create a "new" family for you, and the desires of your parents and relatives. It can go any number of ways, and if your brother isn''t ready to deal with it that is totally fine too. Some people never really do, but from watching friends of mine go through the same thing your OWN personal happiness and mental health and the freedom to live your own life are valuable and important things.

 

[Shoopy]

Wishful, hun, thanks for weighing in.

As for his page, he actually does a really great job in not putting too much out there. As a matter of fact, I think he still has interested in women in his profile and hasn''t changed it. What he does have are comments from friends, he''s part of gay rights groups, and he has been tagged in photos by others that are very open. So he could very well hide it but he shouldn''t have to and I don''t think he wants to go through the drama of constanly checking what he writes and what is written. He can restrict what he says but not what others say, kwim?

The whole thing is just so stupid and sucks

 

[cara]

Buy time and ignore the friend requests. Sounds like he knows that elaborate lies and obfuscations are not what he wants, but he's not quite ready to come out to these people. Yes, its anxiety filling, and it blocks him from closer friendship with them. But until he's ready to be honest with these relatives that is the consequence.

And wishful is so right about eventually needing to come out for his own health and wellbeing. Maybe not today and right now, maybe it is still too raw for your mother, but clearly your brother has known this is who he is for awhile. Of course he wants to spare his mother more pain related to this fundamental fact about himself. Its just that the cost of staying in the closet is high, and gets higher as time goes on. As a sister, you can say that its not his place to spare his mother this pain forever, as much as he might want to, and that his ability to live an open life is important too. Again, if he is out on facebook even if its not blatant, and you have a large extended family with people on facebook, I think it is only a matter of time before it comes out one way or another.

 

[pennquaker09]

Excellent post Wishful.

I''m originally from Alabama. My parents still live there as well as the majority of my extended family. Everyone in my family has known about my sexual orientation since I was 13. My parents never made me hide it. I feel so blessed to have parents that love me regardless of who I happened to fall in love with.

All of the issues and conflict come from my paternal family. I haven''t had a lot of issues with cousins (especially those close to my age, 24), it''s mainly my dad''s brothers and sisters. I have one Aunt in particular that doesn''t accept me at all and she ALWAYS had things to say when we had family functions. My family is fairly well respected in Birmingham and she once made the comment about my ruining the family reputation. Because of a confrontation we had on Christmas of 2007, my dad no longer speaks to her. She is no longer invited to our home. My stepmom told me that he really let her have it. And that''s surprising because my dad does not get angry. I can count one hand how many times I''ve seen him upset.


I''m from a very conservative area, but the younger people tend to be more open to accepting homosexuality. Do you think all the cousins would reject him?

 

[Shoopy]

They won''t necessarily reject him but they''ll treat him differently for sure and I think he''s afraid of that. He''s very much loved by everyone because he''s so sweet and respectful. I think he''s worried about those relationships changing.

As for y mom, she needs therapy. My brothers and I are the only ones to have gone to college in both sides of our family and yet she feels like she failed as a parent. It''s sad but it''s that old mentality. She''s getting a lot better and is only concerned with his happiness but I can still see the sadness in her.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/7/2009 2:18:39 PM
Author: fiery
Thanks for your input.

I think the idea of setting up a separate account may make more sense.

I would love for everything to just be out in the open. I know that he doesn't want to because of my mom. When my mom found out she made some pretty stupid comments about how she's a failure and its her fault

. My mom also cried a lot and my brother has said that he never wants to put her through that again. I feel for him because he can't be who he really is

your brother isn't 'putting your mom through' things, she is putting herself through things. Life isn't defined by the things that happen in our lives, but rather by how we respond to them. Your mother's decision to deal with your brother's sexuality, or to be upset about it is a very personal matter that your brother has no control over. It sounds like he's given her nearly 4 years to process his sexuality, which is a very generous amount of time. It's one thing if he is more comfortable 'being in the closet' with family, it's another thing entirely if he wants to be loved for his authentic self, but is suppressing that for your mom or others.

Best wishes to him. And I know it is not the same, but I did feel similarly about my family finding out that I am agnostic, not Christian, which could get me disowned by many family members. Now, it is not a defining feature of my life, but my parents also are in denial about it, and it is easier to avoid talking to family about it because it will cause friction, and they won't understand. So FI and I are 'in the closet heathens," but it's easier for us than constant family drama and proselytizing.

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 8/7/2009 2:02:59 PM
Author: brightlight
I also wanted to mention that sometimes even when people request you as friends and you just let the request linger in your account, they can view your wall. I know this, because when I request friends I can see their updates and profile sometimes even though they haven''t accepted my request yet.

I don''t see how this is possible if your page is totally private.


Fiery, I''m sorry this is weighing on you. I feel for your brother and wish he could accept everyone with no problems.

 

[swingirl]

I'd encourage your brother to make a family based facebook. It will be awkward to ignore the requests and even more awkward to allow the relatives into his private life. A 20 year old (gay or not) shouldn't have family members who aren't close personal friends access to his facebook wall. Even if your brother was openly gay I still say keep his personal life, friends, photos, etc, private.

 

[HollyS]

He''s 21. He has chosen to come out to his friends and immediate family. He posts, deliberately, on Facebook, as a gay man. Surely, he knew he would have to face the music from the rest of his family at some point.

It is what it is. His choice. His battle. His life.

You can offer emotional support, and should. But let him handle it without anyone else ''stirring the pot'' with the rest of the family. The only way past any of life''s difficulties is to go through them. It''s time for him to go through this. You can''t ''soften the blow'' for him.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

This is really hard, and I''m so sorry your brother is dealing with this.

The world just isn''t a homosexual-friendly place...we''re getting closer, but were not there yet. I am fortunate to know many gay people through my line of work, and through them I know that often family is the hardest place to really belong. He''s not alone in this feeling and there really is no one size fits all solution to making it better. I do though that many of my friends who have formally come out feel relief even when they are met with judgement, and sometimes they are really surprised by the people who accept them with open arms. I always remember when my friend (at the time) came out to me...he made it very suspensful and acted like it was huge bombshell, when in reality I had always known he was gay and it didn''t matter--I loved him regardless, no more so or less so because he chose to disclose the information to me.

I think the best thing you can do is encourage him to be honest with himself. If he''s not ready to be open with his sexuality, that''s okay. If FB is a place where he can be comfortable in his skin, and open with who he is in his community, he shouldn''t have to sensor that because family wants to befriend him. Maybe he could create a "family friendly" page...or disregard the requests all together. I know that it might seem awkward or uncomfortable to "exclude" family--but oh well--he deserves a place where he can just "be" without hiding it. He''s live a lifetime of putting himself second to the expectations of others out of fear of rejection, he has earned the right to be express himself and be free and open.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 8/7/2009 4:58:02 PM
Author: Courtneylub

Date: 8/7/2009 2:02:59 PM
Author: brightlight
I also wanted to mention that sometimes even when people request you as friends and you just let the request linger in your account, they can view your wall. I know this, because when I request friends I can see their updates and profile sometimes even though they haven''t accepted my request yet.

I don''t see how this is possible if your page is totally private.


Fiery, I''m sorry this is weighing on you. I feel for your brother and wish he could accept everyone with no problems.

I don''t know how either, I just know that it''s happened numerous times. I think that''s the point though - it''s not as private as you think it is.

 

[luckystar112]

It just really bothers me when extended family wants to be "friends" anyway.
I know it's not the same as coming out to your family, but I am still annoyed. My friends and I all have pretty big potty-mouths, not to mention we we tend to find humor in some vile things. Once I accepted the friends requests from DH's family everything changed and I felt like I had to censor my page to appease them. I'm an adult, and yet I have to remind my friends to please not say the "brown" word when leaving me a comment for fear that my little neice will see it and tell my in-laws. It's really ridiculous.

So, my advice is to just ignore them. Seriously....it's FACEBOOK! What are they going to do, disown him for not letting them be a part of his social networking site? If so, they are the ones that will look ridiculous for being offended. Looking back I wish I would have just ignored family members--but I'm glad I looked on here to find out how to give them a limited access to my profile!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 8/7/2009 7:04:41 PM
Author: brightlight
I don''t know how either, I just know that it''s happened numerous times. I think that''s the point though - it''s not as private as you think it is.

I believe it. One of the things that really bothers me about FB is the way their blocking feature works.
For example, my mother blocked me (

)--so to me it''s like she doesn''t even exist on facebook. But apparently sometimes there is a glitch in the system and she is able to see comments that I leave on mutual friends/family pages. Now, call me immature but I would prefer that if she blocks me that she not even have partial access to my life. But of course, since she doesn''t "exist" to me I can''t find her to add her to MY block list. So that''s kind of annoying.

 

[VegasAngel]

If he doesn't want to add them I would either ignore their requests or he can say he only keeps close family on his FB, or he can add them like he would anyone else if that is what he wants. This thread makes me sad

(Having to hide, unsupportive relatives)

 

[purrfectpear]

If it were my brother I would encourage him to step out of that closet with my full support. I don''t believe anyone can be truly happy or at peace with themselves while they live a life of secrecy.

I''d also start giving my mom a strong reality check. She needs to start thinking about the effect her "issues" are having on her child. You might have a serious talk with her about the unintended consequences of her hangups.

 

[Kaleigh]

I have been in your shoes. It's not easy, but you sound like a wonderful sister. You can only do so much, be there for him, that's most important. I did the same fro my brother. Try to educate your Mom. I did that for my parents once my brother came out to me... I firmly believe it's not a choice.. They are born that way. It helped to a degree, there were other family members that cut off all communication with him. That just about killed me, as it was sooooo wrong...

Don't know if your Mom would be open to going to a counselor, but I'd at least try to go with her a few times, because your family unit is at stake...

You are newly married, I was too .... I wish you and your brother all the best. You have each other, be there for him . But know that you can't answer for him that has to come from him. When he is ready... Gosh when my brother came out, there was no internet, no FB... So I see how all this instant age of info is a real pain... But some how he will have to come to grips with how to handle all of it, and I am sure you will be there to help him along the way...

If I can be of any extra help, I am on FB Big HUGS!!!

Best of luck,
Lisa Elizabeth...

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 8/7/2009 8:53:50 PM
Author: purrfectpear
If it were my brother I would encourage him to step out of that closet with my full support. I don''t believe anyone can be truly happy or at peace with themselves while they live a life of secrecy.

I''d also start giving my mom a strong reality check. She needs to start thinking about the effect her ''issues'' are having on her child. You might have a serious talk with her about the unintended consequences of her hangups.

Ditto. And do you think your mother would be open to PFLAG or something similar to help her come to terms with your brother''s sexuality?

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 8/7/2009 8:53:50 PM
Author: purrfectpear
If it were my brother I would encourage him to step out of that closet with my full support. I don''t believe anyone can be truly happy or at peace with themselves while they live a life of secrecy.

I''d also start giving my mom a strong reality check. She needs to start thinking about the effect her ''issues'' are having on her child. You might have a serious talk with her about the unintended consequences of her hangups.

Well said

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Well, I found out my sister was gay by looking at her AOL profile back in the day when those were popular. I confronted her, she told me, and than took the statements on her profile down quickly. At the time only my Mother knew, and she acted like she was OK with it in front of my sister, but really had issues that my sister will never know about as far as I am concerned (I will never open my mouth about it).

It is funny, the last person to find out was my Dad because she was afraid of his reaction. And he was the most OK with it. You never can predict how people will react.

For your brother, I think he needs to figure out how he is going to deal with this. For my sister, as the years went on, it became harder to keep things secret, until she finally gave up and fully came out. He needs to balance the consequences of his relatives reaction of getting limited or no access to his Facebook account with the consequences of these family members knowing his sexual orientation. I agree with all the statements others said about his mother. This is her problem not his.

 

[Bia]

This is tough. Are you all certain they don't already know?

I understand how hard it is for both your brother AND your mother. Fiery, all you can really do is be there for each of them. Encourage your brother to find peace and be proud of who he is...that everyone will come around eventually (maybe they won't like it, but because they love him they will accept him). I would also encourage you to help your mother deal with this. I can imagine it's not easy for her...and maybe she is trying, but it will take time.

I can only speak from my experience, having a cousin who is gay and watching him struggle for years about whether to come out or not. My family is very close but this type of situation can break up families--older generations in my family do not agree with homosexuality--tolerant yes, but definitely not advocating. And no amount of pointing out all the reasons it is not wrong mattered to them. It still doesn't. Although they have accepted him, they are mostly in denial and just ignore it, which sucks because he can't fully be himself. It is hard to watch someone you love unable to be themselves. When he's with friends, he lights up a room, but at home, he seems shy and out of place. Unfortunately that's the way it is. It's going to take time to change. I really hope your family is more open-minded than mine (((hugs)))

As for FB, just ignore, or do as someone said and make a family-only profile. I vote for ignore--have him tell the family he doesn't really use it.

 

[Erin]

My mother never went around the phone tree telling family members about my sister. We just let her be herself and sometimes people would ask and my mother would be truthful. But she never told people unless they asked. I''d say, if your brother could just leave off whether he prefers men or women on the site and still be himself, people will figure it out. If they have a problem with it, it is THEIR battle to face. Your mother should be prompted to tell the truth when the questions arise.

PS - I think that lying on his facebook about preferring women is unnecessary. Just don''t answer the question. My facebook says nothing about significant others or whether I''m on the site for socializing or dating or whatever. It''s really not needed.